Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend... - FML

By Anonymous - 16/9/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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Who's a good boy?

Yappy neighborhood

Ant life

By secret - 11/3/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I found out the electric bill I have been paying was on my old house. I found this out when they shut off the power to my house. FML

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By Eric Jurgensen - 10/6/2020 17:03

Used

Today, I found out my now ex-girlfriend had only moved in to spite her mother, not because she loved me. Five months of falling in love, just to find out I was just being used to get back at her mom. FML

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By forever_young - 13/5/2016 13:03 - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Bee - 8/6/2011 00:13 - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2010 01:59 - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By RaveCharlie - 18/4/2013 22:47 - United States

Today, I had to break up with my girlfriend twice. Apparently the first time she thought I was kidding. FML

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By Darkness162000 - 8/1/2010 00:21 - France

Today, I found out that while I was on vacation my neighbor had let my brother into my apartment. I don't have a brother. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 00:01

Take a number

Today, the guy I've been flirting with for a week, and would be meeting in two days, sent me a message that he wouldn't be able to text me this evening because he'll be on a date. FML

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By Lori_ftw - 27/2/2014 03:28 - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

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By jonnah - 5/3/2010 13:06 - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend I love him. His response? "Is that why you have been so clingy and annoying lately?" FML

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By mylifesucks - 31/1/2014 23:50 - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend and I made love. She stared at her One Direction poster the whole time. FML

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By klaatu barada nikto - 20/1/2015 13:23 - United States - Des Moines

Today, at the soup kitchen I volunteer at, a guy called the food crap and threatened to shove his bowl up my ass if I didn't give him something better. FML

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By 4evalone - 1/11/2014 05:59 - United States - Monterey

Today, I was dressed as a single girl. I wore pajama pants, hoodie with no bra, and carried a plate of pizza around. But it wasn't my costume, I just had nowhere to go for Halloween. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2014 18:27 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I found out that my wife of 12 years has slept with the workmen we've had working on our long term building project. They call her the "quickie queen". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 04:08 - United States

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

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By awwimanahole - 4/7/2013 05:07 - United States - Palmetto

Today, I needed a change of clothes, so I called my mom. She brought me a grey shirt with a toucan on the front and Mexico City spelled in glitter. I asked her why she would bring me such an ugly shirt, and she started crying. Turns out she bought it for me as a present from her trip. FML

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By Snow White - 22/5/2017 22:00

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By alexo - 23/5/2012 15:52 - United States

Today, I took the bus. The old lady next to me almost fell when the driver stopped, but I managed to catch her. Five minutes later, the same thing happened to me. The old lady tried to help me, but I lost my balance and pulled her skirt down. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 10/6/2020 14:19

My cousin the shitgibbon

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

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By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - 9/9/2015 02:37 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

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By optimist - 26/1/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML

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By tommy3824 - 20/8/2009 12:45 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By Rachel247 - 1/8/2009 23:13 - Israel

Today, we had a hike at my camp. We hiked in a line. I suddenly felt things hitting me at the back of the head. After a few minutes I finally turn around, only to discover a bunch of older guys throwing tampons at my head. They were my tampons, falling one by one out of my unzipped bag. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - 16/2/2016 01:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By Permafucked - 12/5/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer I ended up in bed with one of them who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

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By sucks4me - 18/6/2011 04:45 - United States

Today, I got in my sister's car outside the movie theater and started talking about the movie. When I realized she wasn't saying anything, I looked up to see my ex-boyfriend sitting in the drivers seat. I got in the wrong car. FML

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By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By russianfail - 4/12/2013 16:24 - United States - Dallas

Today, I'm not getting paid 400$ per month because I failed my Russian language proficiency test. Russian is my first language. FML

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By Courtney - 21/7/2011 09:54 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By wifeofafainter - 24/9/2015 06:31 - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

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By Ben - 3/8/2017 23:00 - United States - Lansing

Time to grow a beard?

Today, my girlfriend told me she won't have sex with me anymore. When I asked her why, she said I've lost too much weight and I look like her son. Her son is 4 feet tall & 9 years old. I'm 6 feet tall & 30 years old. She said having sex with me feel like having sex with her son. FML

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By horniness - 10/10/2009 16:30 - Hong Kong

Today, I was in a bad mood after being stuck in traffic for 2 hours and late for work. I was walking to my building when I saw a 100 dollar note flying my way. A man called after me for it, but being selfish I took the note in my pocket as a little reward. That man was my boss. Yes, I'm fired. FML

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By alanh69 - 26/8/2014 19:12 - United States - Woodward

Today, I asked my dad to give me a haircut. After 20 minutes of "fuck"s and "shit"s, he gave up and just shaved my head bald. I pull off the look so badly that two people I don't even know have already told me I look like a psychopath. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 03:30

Today, I found my vibrator that I didn't know was missing... underneath my dad's mattress. FML

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By bad in the sack - 5/7/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

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By DennisQuaide69 - 27/6/2017 00:00

The date from hell #5676

Today, I went on an a date with a guy I met online. We were waiting in line at Starbucks when he turned to me and said, "Do you want anything?" Just before I was about to answer, he practically shoved in front of me and paid for himself. The cashier looked more horrified than I did. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2019 20:03

Today, I fell off my chair, then missed it completely trying to sit back down. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:58 - Finland

Today, our new boss banned coffee from the workplace, comparing caffeine to hard drugs. His comparison may not be wrong; after two hours, I couldn't take it any more, and in between fantasising about his cold-blooded murder, I begged to be allowed just one last cup. FML

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Top comments

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#566605 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:34

he must be pretty awesome, even you enjoyed hearing about how great he is.

By LA_Barbie | 11

#566646 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:06

lol I'm jealous because I know as soon as my ex finds out about the next guy I date he won't be my friend anymore...u stayed friends with your ex somehow and u approve of her new bf over yourself...well FYL

COMMENTS

By generalfartimus | 0

#566573 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:09

You know what? Why can't us men just fart in their faces when they give us a hard time? You know. Mate, when you see her, shat on her face. Show her who's boss. Works every time..

Reply

futtgoredo | 0

#850917 - Saturday 13 February 2010 5:45

wut you takin bout Willis!!!!!

By Kenpachi_fml | 0

#566584 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:17

Such a tool and i agree grab her head and fart in her face

By skaffz | 0

#566596 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:27

u suck

Reply

The_9th_Doctor | 18

#5636701 - Wednesday 21 August 2013 3:56

we all know you do. it's no big secret

By fretforyerlatte | 0

#566605 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:34

he must be pretty awesome, even you enjoyed hearing about how great he is.

Reply

Blithe_626 | 0

#566841 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 15:36

LOL @ #4. or he just likes to kiss ass

By pbuk | 0

#566630 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 12:51

Can you say "meathead". You're not very quick on the up-take are you?

Reply

kukopia | 0

#567008 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 16:54

+ 10!!

I bet OP can press more than new bf... but we see where that's gotten him.

By LA_Barbie | 11

#566646 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:06

lol I'm jealous because I know as soon as my ex finds out about the next guy I date he won't be my friend anymore...u stayed friends with your ex somehow and u approve of her new bf over yourself...well FYL

By plexico | 3

#566663 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:16

If it was such a good time hearing about why this guy is so great, why don't you go blow him?

That'll fuck up your ex-girlfriend much more than even the wettest fart to the face.

By Supermum43 | 0

#566677 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:26

Suckerrrrrr

By TheLetterZero | 7

#566694 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 13:38

Are you sure there were no drugs involved in this "work-out" OP?

By Action_Batch | 0

#566728 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 14:07

OP You spent a whole evening not being able to pick up on her derisive, callous passive aggressive sarcasm? That leads to only one conclusion; You're an idiot. But lucky you, the world is full of idiots so I'm sure you'll find someone soon! YAY!