Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get... - FML

By stanky - 22/4/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with this guy I've been trying to get for four months. I felt like I needed to go to the bathroom. I walked out, glad that I was quiet about it. Ten minutes later, my mom walks out of the same bathroom and goes "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60650

You deserved it

5785

Tweet

Share

Night terrors

Ant life

Billy no-mates

By scarlet - 9/5/2011 15:02 - Canada

Today, on the bus, a large smelly man was sat next to me, pushing me against the divider and sliding into me on every turn. When he got up for his stop, his pants had loosened and his bare ass was staring me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37787

You deserved it

3394

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/6/2015 02:40 - United States

Today, my grown up, unemployed boyfriend stole 70 dollars from my wallet and tried to hide it in two different places in case he needed to ditch me and go out by himself. He got angry when I confronted him and stormed out. He feels perfectly entitled. I work, pay rent and buy food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29300

You deserved it

7090

Tweet

Share

By grossgross - 26/9/2009 18:21 - United States

Today, the subway was extremely crowded and I ended up with my butt in a man's crotch. I kept trying to inch away or turn a different way, but there was no room. He could have turned to face the doors, but didn't. He got an erection. I was on there with him for 20 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51420

You deserved it

5504

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 15/2/2009 23:15 - United States

Today, I wanted to seduce my boyfriend so I put on my sexiest lingerie and started playing mood music. As he was eating dinner, I climbed up on the table and started seductively crawling across to him. The table collapsed under my weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31723

You deserved it

50479

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2014 19:37

Today, I witnessed my psycho neighbor put her cat in a cage, cross into my backyard, and set the cage down before returning to her house. She then called the cops and claimed I'd stolen her cat. The cops didn't believe my side of the story for a second. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50640

You deserved it

3494

Tweet

Share

By superstar - 30/3/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I was at work at Panera. A blind woman came in, ordered and said other blind people were going to come in soon, because they were having a meeting. Later, a man comes in and ask if any other blind people had showed up. I told him there was just one in here wearing a blue shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21142

You deserved it

90890

Tweet

Share

By myheart75 - 7/8/2011 09:52 - Australia

Today, my niece told me to go and find my own friends. She's 2, and I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31431

You deserved it

5852

Tweet

Share

By Instacreep - 20/3/2018 01:30

Today, I found out that when someone posts a "story" on Instagram, they can see who has viewed it and how many times. I have been viewing an ex's story every day for the past week. We do not follow each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2099

You deserved it

4321

Tweet

Share

By whythebunny - 30/10/2015 18:56 - United States - Bastrop

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23600

You deserved it

2304

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/8/2018 20:30

Today, I couldn't sleep. I had to pee really badly but I'm terrified of the dark, so I closed my eyes all the way to the bathroom. On the way, I tripped over my dog and fell face-first into the door frame. He then humped me as my nose bled all over the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1627

You deserved it

3167

Tweet

Share

By KatieElizabeth - 27/10/2013 04:57 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at work, I had a customer accuse me of taking the giftcard I had issued her for her return, after spending 15 minutes trying to fix her screwed up transaction. She began to yell, and follow me around the store. Security had to intervene and I had to be locked in an office until she left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41402

You deserved it

2713

Tweet

Share

By BDayssuck - 2/9/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

I agree, your life sucks

51501

You deserved it

3104

Tweet

Share

By Zanovitch - 13/8/2013 20:19 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my mom asked me, once again, if my girlfriend of almost a year is just a cover up for being gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47939

You deserved it

4250

Tweet

Share

By Fish Breath - 3/6/2016 22:26 - United States - Bloomington

Today, as part of my job at a pet store, I helped our frat house president pick out goldfish for the new aquarium the big brothers are installing over summer break. And, once I'm initiated, I'll get to swallow one of the fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10950

You deserved it

4037

Tweet

Share

By BloodyNoseMcgee - 11/10/2018 15:30

Today, I dropped some glass at my job while putting it on the shelf. A shard bounced off the floor and went up my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2884

You deserved it

165

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 00:48 - United States

Today, my parents gave me my birthday present. Two weeks ago, I ordered an xbox online. Three days ago, it came to my house, and my parents thought they could save money by putting wrapping paper on it, and giving it to me for my birthday. That's all they got me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36021

You deserved it

3456

Tweet

Share

By notsohot - 26/10/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38631

You deserved it

4224

Tweet

Share

By StevieMe - 8/4/2009 14:48 - Canada

Today, I was at work laminating a large photo. While I was doing this, I had a sudden itch on my nut sack. So I quickly scratched it away. When the customer came to pick up the print, I noticed that one of my pubic hairs had laminated itself on the cheek of the woman in the photograph. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18651

You deserved it

98661

Tweet

Share

By Noname - 19/2/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my mom and she paid for 2 games. By the 6th frame of game 1 she was bored and to get her money back for both games she told the employees I shit my pants. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59230

You deserved it

3740

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/4/2015 14:24 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, my religious girlfriend convinced me to let her take my virginity. A few hours later, she broke up with me, crying and saying I was going to hell for having sex before marriage. But apparently she isn't, and she can't be with someone who "tempts" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39059

You deserved it

3671

Tweet

Share

By ugly - 25/7/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41368

You deserved it

3742

Tweet

Share

By ughhhh - 10/11/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, my roommate's boyfriend told me he would be driving the several hours EVERY weekend to come see his girlfriend. As a couple, they are constantly all over each other, and can't seem to break out of the annoying baby talk voice. Plus, they like to kick me out of the room to do stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33278

You deserved it

5737

Tweet

Share

By GAGirl1 - 1/5/2014 21:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40936

You deserved it

7188

Tweet

Share

By justmyluck - 12/2/2010 19:34 - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28376

You deserved it

4851

Tweet

Share

By Nick - 23/8/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I found my truck broken into. Whoever broke in ripped my dash apart, and the stupid idiot couldn't get the radio out. So now I have a trashed truck interior, and the moron has nothing to show for it. He did leave behind his Subway wrapper though. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27456

You deserved it

2291

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 06:00

Air Conditioned Egg on Face?

Today, I went to see the mechanic who'd just serviced my car, because it was still leaking cooling fluid. I started to explain the problem, but he stopped me and asked if I'd had the AC on. I said yes. He smiled and said lots people have this "problem" in summer. Did you know the AC releases fluid when you turn it off? I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1109

You deserved it

694

Tweet

Share

By DaveAlmighty - 2/7/2009 07:22 - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54075

You deserved it

12251

Tweet

Share

By yourekillingme - 19/2/2016 04:12 - United States - Mission

Today, I went to see a doctor because I have been feeling of pressure in my chest. After running numerous tests, I was told I was perfectly healthy and had nothing to worry about. I made it as far as the front door before I collapsed and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23785

You deserved it

1457

Tweet

Share

By gettinghotinhere - 17/10/2014 18:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I climbed onto my boyfriend's lap and sexily told him "It's getting hot in here," and started unbuttoning my shirt. He said "Oh," pushed me off him, and went to turn the ceiling fan on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46655

You deserved it

6819

Tweet

Share

By fmlpanda - 29/5/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. It was going well until our braces got caught. Out of pain, I tried to pull away, which made my eyes water. Then I sneezed in his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39761

You deserved it

8327

Tweet

Share

By luvs2spooge89 - 1/5/2013 14:27 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22855

You deserved it

76148

Tweet

Share

By I love my furry babies - 18/5/2019 16:09

Today, I got a hamster against my wife's will. I can't wait until she wakes up and I have to tell her it's loose in the house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

663

You deserved it

2409

Tweet

Share

By lexiiiiiiweee - 19/2/2010 22:00 - United States

Today, I went bowling with my friends. As I was about to take my turn, my friend came up behind me and yelled in my ear, "Don't mess up!" Startled, I dropped the ball on my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25546

You deserved it

3804

Tweet

Share

By doh - 10/1/2009 05:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my alarm went off. I snoozed it, and went on to dream that I got out of bed, did my business, brushed my teeth, took my breakfast, changed into my working attire, and was ready for work that morning. My alarm rang a second time, I had to do all that over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27510

You deserved it

4364

Tweet

Share

By the girlfriend - 26/8/2011 10:41 - United Kingdom

Today, at my boyfriend's house, I met his mother for the first time. And promptly fell in their pond. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27981

You deserved it

4132

Tweet

Share

By UnpredictableSurface - 17/3/2017 22:00

Today, a tattoo artist send me home without tattoo because the acne on my back has gotten so bad, he refused to work on such an 'unpredictable surface'. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5510

You deserved it

1180

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5291

You deserved it

972

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1494

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2016 03:53 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I woke up to 15 texts from my mom, 6 missed calls, and with no bra or shirt on in a random guy's bed. Welcome to spring break, ladies and gentleman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13926

You deserved it

33375

Tweet

Share

By B-rent - 18/3/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35913

You deserved it

7044

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Alanna_Vicious | 0

#132292 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:15

If it isn't one thing, it's your mother...

By hpnerd | 0

#132331 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:30

Mothers are genetically enhanced to embarrass their daughters. And if you see yourself with this guy seriously then he's going to know you take dumps. He'll have to live with it and you'll have to stop being so self conscious. It's natural.

COMMENTS

By Alanna_Vicious | 0

#132292 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:15

If it isn't one thing, it's your mother...

Reply

happyhak | 5

#989410 - Saturday 8 May 2010 15:04

Win

By Lapras_LvL20 | 0

#132295 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:16

Well, it would be worse if you actually did spray, and she still said something about it.

but did you still get with him?

By Get_Naykid | 0

#132311 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:22

It's only natural.

By zargon | 1

#132314 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:22

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

idgaf77 | 0

#576556 - Sunday 20 September 2009 19:00

YDI purely for hanging out with a guy u like anywhere near ur mum

By hpnerd | 0

#132331 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:30

Mothers are genetically enhanced to embarrass their daughters. And if you see yourself with this guy seriously then he's going to know you take dumps. He'll have to live with it and you'll have to stop being so self conscious. It's natural.

By fatality2009 | 0

#132360 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:47

uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh OUCH!

By Juli_fml | 0

#132364 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 12:51

what #5 said

By imadonkeymoo | 0

#132382 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:04

I did that once then my GF dumped me, so i peed on her

Reply

Zoeeee1234 | 0

#1281568 - Sunday 22 August 2010 0:03

good one...

Reply

kawaiianime | 5

#2774723 - Tuesday 28 June 2011 0:51

-_-

By xxwilkywayxx | 0

#132389 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:06

Today, I was hanging out with this girl that I know likes me. I realized I liked her back and I was getting ready to ask her out when her mom walked in and said, "Honey, you need to spray after you make a stinky." I resubmitted my personal ad that night. FML

By Tehalon | 0

#132396 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 13:09

YDI, what if he needed to use the bathroom after you!