Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught... - FML

By Embarassed - 24/8/2011 02:44 - United Kingdom

Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught the same bus home. He started telling me about my ex's "totally insane" ex-girlfriend. He refused to believe me when I told him he was talking about me. I had to sit there for half an hour as my personality was ripped to shreds. FML

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Proactive

Great boyfriend

Emergency haircut

By Ouch - 21/6/2013 03:06 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML

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By Allenburg - 18/1/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2014 16:38 - Ghana - Accra

Today, I got high for the first time. Apparently I called my vet and told him my goldfish was barking. I found out when he called me back later to make sure we were both okay. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML

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By Annie - 22/11/2009 22:07 - Mexico

Today, I noticed that my dog was feeling sad. I let him hop on my bed with me to make him feel better. It worked, right after he vomited all over my face and pillow. FML

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By Yum - 3/12/2008 07:26 - France

Today, I realised that the steamy photos that I took with my ex a few months ago had not been erased from his father's camera. FML

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By Beaky - 12/10/2011 05:09 - Canada

Today, I found out it takes no special training to put a large glass marble up my nostril but may require someone with a medical degree to remove it. FML

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By NotHungryAnymore - 1/3/2016 15:46 - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss is now so comfortable with me that she doesn't even try to hide the fact that she goes digging for gold in her nose through every conversation we have. FML

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By has an old monitor - 5/12/2014 14:00 - Germany - Berlin

Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML

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By Roostermann25 - 31/5/2016 01:34 - United States - Lebanon

Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

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By DatAss - 15/1/2016 10:56

Today, I was out grocery shopping when some pervert decided to slap my ass as they walked by. As I turned around to confront them, I saw that the culprit was a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I was so shocked, speechless and angry that I couldn't even decide how to handle the situation. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2012 07:12 - United States

Today, after giving my mother and my girlfriend their Christmas presents, I realized just how similar they looked both in box size and wrapping paper. I noticed after my mother gasped upon finding a vibrator in her box. FML

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By teriyaki124 - 21/3/2009 09:13 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 21:50 - United States - Wexford

Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML

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By Dude - 2/4/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2015 15:25

Today, my dad got over his aversion to tight pants, giving everyone at the DMV a good look at his package in skin-tight blue jeans. FML

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By cupcakelady127 - 23/3/2011 11:25 - United States

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/12/2015 10:41 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after working my ass off for months trying to prove myself, I received an email from my boss regarding the end-year function. Excited to be invited, I opened the email just to see I'm the only one being left behind to answer the phones. FML

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By Freelman - 6/5/2015 14:34 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I tried to write a bad review for the fast-food place at which I work part-time. My username made me anonymous, but I forgot to change my profile picture. Now my manager and coworkers won't even speak to me. FML

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By sweetlilthing - 31/5/2020 17:00

Understandable

Today, my husband is depressed because the government is relaxing coronavirus isolation and he doesn’t want to have to return to talking to people, or having family drop by unexpectedly, or socialising at all. He prefers being stuck at home as an antisocial Xbox and Netflix goblin FML

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By FML - 10/9/2017 16:00

Et tu, Brute?

Today, I returned home from my aunt's funeral abroad to find my boyfriend in bed with my sister, who claimed she was unable to fly due to the flu. FML

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By Erik Aleckson - 5/5/2019 02:00

Today, at my hotel job, I had to help a drunk naked guy back into his room. Earlier today, a fat old guy wearing only briefs came down to the lobby drunk as hell. I used to like my job. FML

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By "Bianka05" - 19/7/2017 20:00

Today, after being on vacation for a week, my alarm sounded early in the morning. It scared me so badly I peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2017 01:30

Today, my roommate forgot to pay the water bill on time, so they shut it off. Now we're without running water for 3 days and I'm taking my morning dump in Target next to a stranger. FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 22:17 - Canada

Today, I was masturbating to a girl with huge tits on the internet. I then scrolled down and found out she had a penis. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, I went to run outside, only to smack straight into our sliding glass door. Just a few hours beforehand, my mom put up a strip of colored tape to stop this from happening. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2016 05:29

Today, my best friend and I got in a fight, and we have a 3 hour drive back home together. FML

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By the dead never die - 9/7/2019 22:00

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

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By allennn - 14/3/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2016 05:49 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went on a second date with a guy who seemed perfect in every way possible. That is until he started mentioned how children are a deal-breaker for him. I had to break it to him that I have a 14 month old daughter. He actually had the balls to ask if I'd ever consider foster care. Seriously, dude? FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2016 09:14 - United States - Redlands

Today, the CEO of my company wanted to meet with me. I was excited until I found out she just wanted to bitch me out and personally fire me. Later on, I found out my boss had totally shafted me and blamed the failure of a big project on me instead of admitting it was all his fault. FML

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By PseudoHappiness - 18/7/2016 00:16 - United States

Today, I found out my debit card information has been compromised and that someone in San Jose, CA has completely drained my bank account. Joke's on them though. I was already broke as fuck. FML

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By monster in law. - 17/12/2014 07:35 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a toaster and a fork as a wedding gift. FML

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By Katz - 11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

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By BarhydtBran - 18/8/2015 01:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my drill sergeant was yelling at me and asking me questions. I got a question wrong, and he asked me if I am a "Shit Sandwich". I replied "Yes sir, with extra cheese." I'm running miles till the day I die. FML

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By notsoproudfather - 1/2/2016 15:54 - India - Pune

Today, I walked in on my son's new habit. Sticking his finger up his ass, farting on it, and smelling it. Apparently, the scent is the purest then. FML

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By FlyingPain - 5/8/2016 11:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that I need to get a root canal, the only day I can get an appointment is on the same day I'm flying out for training for my new job. I can't get out of either, so now need to face my fear of flying and fear of dentists the same day. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2019 20:00

Today, I dreamt I had a secret admirer whom I met in person. She had red hair, a plus size body and a beautiful smile. This would've been great if it weren't for the fact I was a straight woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 01:44 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By staceyymaee - 6/7/2016 17:47 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my new futon mattress arrived. Upon laying it out on the frame, I realized IKEA has whack bed sizings. When I went to return the mattress for a queen, they informed me a queen mattress wouldn't be here until sometime next week. I already threw out my old crappy mattress. FML

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Top comments

By Dalliance | 4

#3171854 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

At least you don't give off an immediate vibe of douchey-ness if he didn't even know it was you.

By ihasbrains | 10

#3171870 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

At least he refused to believe you :)

Comments

By TrixER | 6

#3171845 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Umm hi?

Reply

nastenka_fml | 0

#3171849 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

hello

By Italiae | 7

#3171851 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Wow that blows...FYL

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3171908 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:52

I'd just like to point out that because he didn't automatically assume it was you, that your personality isn't actually that bad!

Reply

uncleyuggles | 0

#3171912 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:53

" yea his ex was a fucking psycho!"
"umm, I'm that 'fucking psycho'"

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3171987 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:04

Sounds like you found your soulmate OP
Should've asked him out, and then one day your ex will reveal to him that he's dating that pyscho bitch

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#3172018 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:08

Did he mention how you faked orgasms?!

Reply

SunnyUserName123 | 5

#3172159 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:29

She did say something, he didn't believe her.

Reply

NTimmy | 2

#3173342 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 15:32

Maybe when he meant fuking insane he meant as in hot, some guys do that

Reply

Iamaninchworm | 0

#3184122 - Friday 26 August 2011 22:10

Huh, I don't get it...
Why's this fml? I thought it was common knowledge that ALL women are totally and irrefutably mad...

By Dalliance | 4

#3171854 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

At least you don't give off an immediate vibe of douchey-ness if he didn't even know it was you.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3172275 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:59

Or the bf gave a completely exaggerated description of her

Reply

loserman67 | 35

#3173216 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 14:56

Sounds like she gives off a "You'll learn to be frightened of me" vibe.....very slowly

By penelopecruise | 2

#3171862 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Work on your personality maybe you wouldnt be his ex

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#3172440 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 11:12

Wow that's just a tad judgmental, don't you think?? You have no idea what the circumstances of their breakup were.

Reply

Tennispro349 | 2

#3176628 - Thursday 25 August 2011 9:22

Can't tell if troll or just stupid

By astonmartin007 | 4

#3171864 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:48

That's fucking hilarious!

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3175765 - Thursday 25 August 2011 4:34

So is your pic, sir.

Reply

astonmartin007 | 4

#3214323 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:19

Sorry I changed it

By loveekaren16 | 0

#3171865 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:48

Talk about having a bad memory..

By ihasbrains | 10

#3171870 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

At least he refused to believe you :)

By thatnucca | 36

#3171875 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

Well, was he right though?

By BrittanyB94 | 0

#3171889 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:50

Hhhhmmm, not good

By enonymous | 8

#3171899 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:51

Sounds like he was doing play by play of your love life... Wish I was there

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3172178 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:35

Psh, it'd be like NASCAR

"And he pulls it out and... wow! Look at him stick in there. He really knows what he's doing! And it looks like he's pulling it out once again, what will happen next!?"

Reply

hypuuurness | 6

#3172261 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:56

lmfaaaaoo!

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3173607 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 16:21

SOTY I don't need the detail of your love life. Especially a NASCAR reference but it's nice to know you only can make left hand turns, your condoms are sponsored by coke and hit the wall

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3174250 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 19:07

Lol, what?