Transportation: Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught... - FML

By Embarassed - United Kingdom

Today, at a party I bumped into a friend of my ex. We caught the same bus home. He started telling me about my ex's "totally insane" ex-girlfriend. He refused to believe me when I told him he was talking about me. I had to sit there for half an hour as my personality was ripped to shreds. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Serious times

CIA-level batshittery

By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I shut one of my breasts in my car door. FML

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By Matt L - 21/8/2020 14:07 - United States - Staten Island

Bad day

Today, I discovered a nail in the tire of my car and a nice sized crack on the screen of my phone. I didn't think the day could get worse, until on my way to fix my tire, the cherry of my cigarette fell off and burned a huge hole in my driver's seat. This was my day off. FML

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By Joanne - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By Alex - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, my fiancée woke up from a nightmare where I cheated on her. She has so far successfully gotten into my personal and work e-mails, and all my social media. I'm not sure if I'm worse at picking a wife or at picking passwords. FML

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By Tabeling101

Today, I was in Walmart on a motorized cart and got stuck on a clothing rack next to a super hot guy. Panicking, I said "I just had surgery, I'm a new driver." After failing to get myself unstuck he had to pull the clothes rack and I apart. FML

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By nemo518 - Canada

Today, I was naked on top of my boyfriend looking lovingly into his eyes. He then started to use my boobs as punching bags while singing "Eye of the Tiger". FML

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By zcollins - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my mother informed me that we are no longer taking my graduation trip to New York. Instead, she and her group of continuously drunk friends are going to Vegas because, "We could win the jackpot and take you on an even bigger trip to New York!" She's never won anything in her whole life. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2020 14:01

Great time to try for a kid

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years complained about having to jack off for IVF. We haven't had sex in 9 months, I have to take hormone injections, and I'm jealous of his own hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I found a used condom in my trash can. I have been happily married to my wife for 7 years, and we use other forms of birth control. FML

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By Aleena Rashid

Today, I bought a flatpack, easy to assemble cot-bed for my baby. I spent 5 hours building it, but when it was done, I realised I couldn't reach into it because I'm 5ft and my arms can't reach and lift the baby. I'd have to throw him in. I'm suffering from back spasms as a result, and I now need to disassemble and return it. FML

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By Crypticbeerbelly

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

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By clumsylobster - Australia - Perth

Today, my friends and I went paintballing. The instructor showed us the sound of an unloaded gun by shooting at my face. It wasn't unloaded. FML

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By whyme - United States - Tampa

Today, I was standing in line at the grocery store waiting for my husband. After a while, I feel him kissing my neck, so I turn to tell him that it's not appropriate in public. It wasn't my husband. FML

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By Toothless_Lasagna

Today, my boyfriend and roommate got into a fist fight over a magic trick. They ended up putting a huge hole in the wall that's going to be expensive to fix. We're renting my boss's house. FML

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By dragos_dgt - Romania

Today, at work, my boss stared at me from behind while I made hand gestures and noises at a toaster. I was pretending to be Magneto. FML

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By pissedexworker - United States

Today, I found out that being rushed unconscious to the hospital and missing work qualifies you for termination if you don't call in, even if you have a note from the ER doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to go to therapy for my fear of cats. All the way there, my girlfriend kept making cat noises and scratching at me. FML

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By ananomus - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to kiss my boobs. I am pregnant and started my lactation period. Now every time he looks at me he calls me milky way. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 05:00

Who are you?

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML

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By pathetic - United States - Lincoln

Today, my grocery shopping consisted of Poptarts, SpaghettiOs, Lucky Charms, Popsicles, Easy Mac, and Twinkies. I'm a 25-year-old woman with no kids. FML

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By RunningMurphy - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By Anonymous - Greece

Today, my family and I attended a pool party. I never learned to swim, so I didn't bring a suit. When someone asked why I wasn't in the pool, my sister replied in a loud voice, "She's on her period and didn't want the pool to get dirty!" Thanks. FML

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By TooQuick - Mozambique - Maputo

Today, after a 2-hour meeting, I rushed to take an urgent dump. Unbeknownst to me, my urine was not hitting the porcelain bowl, but rather the underside of the lid. As it pooled around the pedestal, it soaked my pants, underwear, and when I stood up to button my pants, it got on my shirt too. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found my 15-year-old son sleeping on the couch. I asked why, and he said he'd rented his room out to someone on Craigslist to make extra money, so he was getting used to sleeping in the living room instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, "Community" was pulled from its mid-season lineup, with plans to hopefully put it back on the schedule at some unknown time. It will probably be canceled. Meanwhile, "Whitney" is still on the air and doing fine. FML

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By James - 16/4/2020 08:00

Anxious

Today, I began worrying I have social anxiety, all because while getting dressed I convinced myself that everyone would talk about me behind my back if I wore a striped shirt. FML

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By badboyfriend101 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was continuously telling me how great my best friend smelled the other night and how I should wear some perfume that smelled like that. I have the same exact perfume and have been wearing it for months. FML

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By Rob - United States

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2020 20:08

Sharing is caring

Today, when he came back to bed, I asked my flatmate who I've been sleeping since the start of lockdown, whether he had washed his hands after going to pee. He said he barely touched his dick, so he didn't need to. He likes putting his fingers in my mouth when we have sex. FML

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By christmaswillneverend - United States - Red Lion

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

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By Cold - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

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By Mommabear

Thief

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

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By stalked - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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By Wtffmlfs

Modern Family

Today, I dawned on me that my step-dad, who cheated on and is now divorcing my mom, is my favorite family member. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our five-year anniversary. I got him a new flat-screen TV. He got me toilet seat cover. FML

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By shakira, when the walls fell - Canada

Today, thanks to pregnancy hormones, I cried my eyes out for hours over the guy who dumped me 9 years ago. FML

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By Damnsoup - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my fiancé's house to have dinner with his family for the first time. Trying to be polite at the end of the meal I went to take the plates in to the kitchen. I overestimated how heavy the half-finished soup pot was, and threw soup all over myself and future mother-in-law. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, I told my friend over the phone that I had to go drop the kids off at the pool. She told me that she didn't need to know about my bathroom habits and hung up on me. I really had to take my children to the local swimming pool for swim lessons. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was watching wrestling videos on YouTube, when my little brother walked in. Later, my little brother told my parents that I was watching naked men on my computer. They won't stop thinking that I was watching gay porn. FML

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Top comments

By Dalliance | 4

#3171854 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

At least you don't give off an immediate vibe of douchey-ness if he didn't even know it was you.

By ihasbrains | 10

#3171870 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

At least he refused to believe you :)

COMMENTS

By TrixER | 6

#3171845 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Umm hi?

Reply

nastenka_fml | 0

#3171849 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

hello

By Italiae | 7

#3171851 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Wow that blows...FYL

Reply

Keyman1212 | 14

#3171908 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:52

I'd just like to point out that because he didn't automatically assume it was you, that your personality isn't actually that bad!

Reply

uncleyuggles | 0

#3171912 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:53

" yea his ex was a fucking psycho!"
"umm, I'm that 'fucking psycho'"

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3171987 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:04

Sounds like you found your soulmate OP
Should've asked him out, and then one day your ex will reveal to him that he's dating that pyscho bitch

Reply

Zya_fml | 8

#3172018 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:08

Did he mention how you faked orgasms?!

Reply

SunnyUserName123 | 5

#3172159 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:29

She did say something, he didn't believe her.

Reply

NTimmy | 2

#3173342 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 15:32

Maybe when he meant fuking insane he meant as in hot, some guys do that

Reply

Iamaninchworm | 0

#3184122 - Friday 26 August 2011 22:10

Huh, I don't get it...
Why's this fml? I thought it was common knowledge that ALL women are totally and irrefutably mad...

By Dalliance | 4

#3171854 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

At least you don't give off an immediate vibe of douchey-ness if he didn't even know it was you.

Reply

bizarre_ftw | 21

#3172275 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:59

Or the bf gave a completely exaggerated description of her

Reply

loserman67 | 35

#3173216 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 14:56

Sounds like she gives off a "You'll learn to be frightened of me" vibe.....very slowly

By penelopecruise | 2

#3171862 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:47

Work on your personality maybe you wouldnt be his ex

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#3172440 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 11:12

Wow that's just a tad judgmental, don't you think?? You have no idea what the circumstances of their breakup were.

Reply

Tennispro349 | 2

#3176628 - Thursday 25 August 2011 9:22

Can't tell if troll or just stupid

By astonmartin007 | 4

#3171864 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:48

That's fucking hilarious!

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3175765 - Thursday 25 August 2011 4:34

So is your pic, sir.

Reply

astonmartin007 | 4

#3214323 - Wednesday 31 August 2011 23:19

Sorry I changed it

By loveekaren16 | 0

#3171865 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:48

Talk about having a bad memory..

By ihasbrains | 10

#3171870 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

At least he refused to believe you :)

By thatnucca | 36

#3171875 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:49

Well, was he right though?

By BrittanyB94 | 0

#3171889 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:50

Hhhhmmm, not good

By enonymous | 8

#3171899 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 8:51

Sounds like he was doing play by play of your love life... Wish I was there

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3172178 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:35

Psh, it'd be like NASCAR

"And he pulls it out and... wow! Look at him stick in there. He really knows what he's doing! And it looks like he's pulling it out once again, what will happen next!?"

Reply

hypuuurness | 6

#3172261 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:56

lmfaaaaoo!

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3173607 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 16:21

SOTY I don't need the detail of your love life. Especially a NASCAR reference but it's nice to know you only can make left hand turns, your condoms are sponsored by coke and hit the wall

Reply

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3174250 - Wednesday 24 August 2011 19:07

Lol, what?