Intimacy: Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob....

By Soline - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

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Intimacy

You tried

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

RIP in peace

By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, I was absentmindedly playing with a piece of lint. When I looked at it, I realized that I had been rolling and squeezing a dead spider in my fingers for about five minutes. FML

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By Ahook1 - Australia

Today, I discovered that my infertile girlfriend, who I have been having unprotected sex with for the past two months, is apparently very fertile. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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By haha247 - United States

Today, I was helping my brother clean his room. While putting clothes away, I found a box of thongs. They were mine. FML

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By Dan223 - United States

Today, I saw my dad for the first time in almost five years, at his funeral. FML

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32470

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By Alison - United States

Today, the "hot" guy I've been talking to for a few weeks sent me a picture. He was very overweight and not good looking at all. He then followed up with, "Now send me one of you so I can prove to all of my friends that you're real." FML

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By lovegotmehung - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the phone with my girlfriend. Just as she said "I love you", the credit on my phone runs out. She now thinks that I've purposely hung up on her. She refuses to speak to me until I tell her the real reason I hung up. FML

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By snowmon06

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

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By streaker? - Germany - Langenhagen

Today, I went clothes shopping. I took my little daughter into the dressing room while I tried some clothes on. She somehow managed to open the door while I was changing. A lady outside then bitched me out for "exposing" myself to her kids. FML

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24137

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By bearprint

Today, I lost my job to the individual I just finished training. Within 2 hours after being escorted out, my old boss called and yelled at me for doing a lousy job. He was angry that the training was deficient and because the new person is as bad as I was. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By wow - United States - Gilbert

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

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57120

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-brieuc

Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut, please, and make it look extra stupid." FML

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By EKG - United States

Today, after being in the hospital for 2 days with no visitors, I got my first phone call. It was my best friend asking if he could date my ex girlfriend. FML

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62638

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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2026

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By innuendom - United Kingdom

Today, I found out I have a job interview coming up. For the job I'm currently doing and have been for the last nine months. My manager told me not to expect too much. FML

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By IHateMyJob - United Kingdom

Today, I received an email from my boss telling me how appreciated I was and how valuable I am to the company. I wish I hadn't scrolled down to read the included conversation where he asked his boss whether to lie to me about how good I was or not. FML

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By thanks sis - 29/8/2020 10:52 - United States - Hesperia

On a leash

Today, my best friend and I were supposed to meet up at an outdoor beer garden. We’ve both had a hard time with quarantine, so it was a great escape. Instead, she kept me waiting for nearly two hours before I finally left. Her excuse? Her boyfriend, who she sees every day, really wanted to have sex. FML

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1757

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Uithoorn

Today, my boyfriend thought it was a good show of etiquette to answer a text message from his ex, while he was still inside me. FML

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By The Horrible Older Sister - United States - Phoenix

Today, my little sister came home crying because someone had shown her a video about the Slender Man. Trying to calm her down, I explained to her that he wasn't real, just like Santa Claus. She looked up at me and said "Santa's not real?" It's been 3 hours, and she hasn't stopped crying. FML

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By Fml37 - Canada

Today, I had to take a taxi to work, because I was pressed for time, and didn't have a ride there. When I got to work, I paid the cab driver, and realized I had spent more money on the cab than I was going to make at work. FML

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By lezbplove - Canada

Today, I finally decided to tell my parents I was a lesbian. They spent the next few hours reading me the bible. FML

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55461

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By ouch - United States - Lutz

Today, I was cashiering, and a customer's change came to $5.51. She looked pretty stinking rich, so I just gave her $5.50. She demanded the extra penny, and I asked if she really needed it. She said, "No, but they do, asshole," and dropped her $5.51 in the charity donation box. FML

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By litup - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

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By Joy - Denmark

Today, we had guests coming over. My dad wanted me to make some bacon, but I refused because I'm a vegetarian, and don't like to touch meat. His response? 'Good joke honey, now make the bacon.' FML

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35986

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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69980

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By actionboy116 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working as a cart attendant, I found one of my coworkers on a lawn chair sipping on a Bud light in the parking lot, while we both were supposed to be working, leaving me to push carts by myself. My boss comes out to me catching my breath and tells me to work harder. FML

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27373

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By anonymous_0505 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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29759

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By Krit - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By kmthomas91

Stinky

Today, after coming home, my apartment reeked of something fierce. Small animals frequently like to crawl under my apartment since I live next to a wooded area. Apparently, skunks are among those who like to visit, and Febreze isn't helping. FML

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1435

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By whatever - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

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26603

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By looking - United States

Today, I joined a dating website and spent all day filling out and improving my profile. My first match is a guy who relentlessly tried to date me for all 4 years of high school. Now he just has more reasons to tell me how much we're meant to be. We're a 97% match. FML

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41317

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denison

Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML

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By mala_19 - Sweden

Today, at work, I had to help a teenager who was stuck in a toy car for kids, and no, it was not in one piece when she finally got out. FML

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Top comments

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

COMMENTS

By firstnlast77 | 0

#29272 - Friday 13 March 2009 3:37

lol pwned

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30966 - Saturday 14 March 2009 5:49

lol

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#31130 - Saturday 14 March 2009 10:43

Well what did you expect trying to wake him up by farting in his mouth???????

toaster468 | 0

#985315 - Monday 26 April 2010 23:13

you sir are a retard, just think, where could she have been where he could knee her in the stomach? his crotch! guess what she did.

TheOptimist | 0

#1145550 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:17

Get a sense of humor, toaster. I know it was a bad joke, but he was obviously kidding.

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

billyboi | 0

#513111 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:53

nice dude nice

gomego87 | 0

#803985 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:34

meow

ilaaFML | 0

#1024448 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 2:14

speaking from experience? haha

By sadoc | 0

#40447 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:59

thats really sweet of you, dont let one bad experience deter you, just position yourself better next time

By tateno | 0

#41004 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:13

hahahaha ouch! that would of hurt

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By Joeku | 0

#49578 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:36

Best wakeup call ever. I've never kneed my fiancee in the stomach though lol. Position yourself better next time?

By Jackthestripper | 0

#99038 - Friday 10 April 2009 16:01

LOL does he know Krav Maga by any chance??

cradle6 | 13

#2756886 - Saturday 25 June 2011 19:07

^hahahaha. That's tactical sleep fighting right there

By Time2Remission | 0

#114574 - Thursday 16 April 2009 1:30

OUCH!