Intimacy: Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob....

By Soline - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35089

You deserved it

8956

Favorite

Intimacy

Goodbye phone

You ass!

Insane parents

By Anonymous - United States - Newnan

Today, I was listening to a local radio station, and they did a segment called "food porn." As they were sexually describing various types of food, I actually found myself getting turned on over a pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37795

You deserved it

10008

Favorite

By fuck the fucking cops - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23804

You deserved it

4766

Favorite

By BeboKhaos - United States

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65610

You deserved it

9470

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27062

You deserved it

2113

Favorite

By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17746

You deserved it

97401

Favorite

By justwantsomeillusionofjustice - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, I stumbled across my school bully on Facebook. She's a successful business owner and engaged to be married. I can't land a job and am hopelessly single. The b***h that served as the catalyst for my depression and suffered no repercussions is getting married on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4994

You deserved it

665

Favorite

By argh - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35450

You deserved it

2228

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49580

You deserved it

4206

Favorite

By 5220 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were driving back to college. He broke up with me 2 hours into the 3 hour drive. I had to sit in the car with him for the last hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks

71688

You deserved it

4610

Favorite

By nerderer - United States - Duluth

Today, after frantically searching my house and office and calling every place I'd visited in the last 24 hours, I finally found my phone in my fridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26782

You deserved it

6803

Favorite

By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32822

You deserved it

3062

Favorite

By PiaNO - United Kingdom

Today, I was teaching a ten year old how to play piano. Halfway through the lesson, she made a minor mistake, which, trying to be a good tutor, I corrected her. She smiled up at me, paused, then slammed the key cover down onto my fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42203

You deserved it

3518

Favorite

By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24827

You deserved it

5143

Favorite

By ItSucks - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend of two months, hoping this would be our night of the first kiss. I was so excited when the ball started to drop. When it hit "0", I turned to him, hoping for a kiss, and saw him making out with another girl. He didn't even turn around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42731

You deserved it

7519

Favorite

By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53746

You deserved it

17178

Favorite

By Douche - 31/7/2020 23:01

Karma chameleon

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

I agree, your life sucks

1020

You deserved it

1756

Favorite

By facefuckedguy - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to a job interview, and a guy ahead of me went to enter the building, only to walk face-first into a glass door. I rushed to help him up, and after we had a good laugh about it, I turned to walk inside, only to walk straight into the door as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46064

You deserved it

9983

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nephew spent a long while enthusiastically telling me how amazing his new 3D TV system is. I felt his pain as his face turned white when he remembered that I'm blind in one eye since birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32435

You deserved it

2572

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I learned I'm getting kicked out of the house for NOT dropping out of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1933

You deserved it

127

Favorite

By soccerbooty - United States

Today, my boyfriend started to plan our wedding. He included a clown. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38789

You deserved it

8111

Favorite

By MistressSuzuka - United States - Milwaukee

Today, I helped my friend, who is a slob, move out of my house. I found the source of the funky smell she's been complaining about, under her bed. It was her vibrator. I found it with my bare hands. I had to bleach my hands twice and I still don't feel clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38121

You deserved it

2788

Favorite

By RonnieG - United States - Orlando

Today, I confessed to losing my wife's engagement ring, and replacing it with a lookalike months ago. My wife also confessed that her actual engagement ring was locked in the safe, and the one I lost had been a fake. I've been paying the replacement off on my credit card for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46014

You deserved it

14040

Favorite

By Broke Mama - United States

Today, with the cost of craft supplies that ended in a DIY fail, then a costume and overnight shipping, I have now spent $90 to obtain a $10 hat and vest for my daughter to play a cow in the school Christmas play. She will say "Moo" three times with 5 other cows before leaving the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27632

You deserved it

7943

Favorite

By Lisa

Forever Alone

Today, at my younger sister's wedding, my hospitalised grandmother called to ask if I have a boyfriend yet, both my parents wondered if I'll ever get married, and when the 13-year-old next to me caught the bouquet, his father yelled from the back to give it to me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2809

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By FootinMouth - United States - Louisville

Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32417

You deserved it

54444

Favorite

By Alright. - United States - Missoula

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he says, "There's too much of an age gap between us" and that it makes him "feel like a pedophile". He's only four months older than I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30033

You deserved it

2066

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, during a silent breathing meditation at the Buddhist center, I accidentally let one rip which echoed through the meditation chamber. If that wasn't bad enough, the follow-up odor was enough to fell a charging rhinoceros. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29442

You deserved it

8064

Favorite

By the_captain - United States

Today, I was cashiering at Target when an old woman came into my checkout line. Her items? Variety pack of pleasuring condoms, a bottle of KY sensual lube, and two colorful thongs. As I'm scanning these, she leans in and whispers, "I love toys." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55584

You deserved it

3479

Favorite

By Steven, Customer Service - United States - Dover Plains

"Hey, where the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6744

You deserved it

438

Favorite

By justin_99 - Canada

Today, I was working at Tim Hortons. A lady was in line, and she couldnt make up her mind. 20 minutes later she finally decided to get something, and she reached in her pocket. I was hoping it was a tip, but she gave me a coupon for a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27946

You deserved it

3047

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 02:00

Deal or no Deal

Today, my boyfriend's farts got so bad that we made a deal: every day that he doesn't fart, he gets a blowjob. Suddenly, he's not letting gas out anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks

924

You deserved it

1816

Favorite

By Eyebrowless - United States - Willingboro

Today, I decided to wax my eyebrows. My entire eyebrow came off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23942

You deserved it

13857

Favorite

By scoobses - United States

Today, my pain-in-the-ass co-worker is finally leaving. Unfortunately, I was chosen to do the bulk of her job. She has given me no training and on her last day, just smirked at me on her way out and say, "Enjoy doing my job too, fucker". I don't get paid enough for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24749

You deserved it

1875

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, my moron of a teenager drank lube to lubricate his throat during a coughing fit, thinking it would take away the itchiness in his throat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2097

You deserved it

355

Favorite

By dumped - Canada

Today, my girlfriend haltingly dumped me over the phone. Faint splashes punctuated her grunting, straining sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38383

You deserved it

4003

Favorite

By scarlett666 - United Kingdom

Today, on a plane home from Ireland, my husband who was severely hungover, vomitted in a bag before we took off. When he got up to put the bag in the bin the stewardess forced him to sit back down. I had to hold on to a bag full of vomit for a good few minutes whilst my husband was passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39831

You deserved it

5556

Favorite

By Stevie - United States - Southfield

Today, I kindly explained to a client that she had calculated her CD interest wrong. She kindly responded that, as a nurse, she would never give me medical treatment if I was involved in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7460

You deserved it

610

Favorite

By karengoeswest

Today, my coworker was talking about how he's met the man of his dreams and they've been dating for 3 months. He showed me a picture of them at Niagara Falls last weekend. His new boyfriend is my husband, who was supposedly on a business trip in Boston. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4860

You deserved it

254

Favorite

By Confession - Belgium

Get the message

Today, I've been begging my boyfriend to get us a dog for months now. This morning, I noticed he'd bought some toilet paper with dogs printed on it. I asked him if it was a sign. He replied, "Yeah, one you can stick up your ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks

12263

You deserved it

3832

Favorite

By DesignNerd

Today, my best friend excitedly told me all about this new video game she'd just discovered that she thought I'd love. It was her Xmas present from me 2 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2167

You deserved it

191

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

COMMENTS

By firstnlast77 | 0

#29272 - Friday 13 March 2009 3:37

lol pwned

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30966 - Saturday 14 March 2009 5:49

lol

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#31130 - Saturday 14 March 2009 10:43

Well what did you expect trying to wake him up by farting in his mouth???????

toaster468 | 0

#985315 - Monday 26 April 2010 23:13

you sir are a retard, just think, where could she have been where he could knee her in the stomach? his crotch! guess what she did.

TheOptimist | 0

#1145550 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:17

Get a sense of humor, toaster. I know it was a bad joke, but he was obviously kidding.

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

billyboi | 0

#513111 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:53

nice dude nice

gomego87 | 0

#803985 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:34

meow

ilaaFML | 0

#1024448 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 2:14

speaking from experience? haha

By sadoc | 0

#40447 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:59

thats really sweet of you, dont let one bad experience deter you, just position yourself better next time

By tateno | 0

#41004 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:13

hahahaha ouch! that would of hurt

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By Joeku | 0

#49578 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:36

Best wakeup call ever. I've never kneed my fiancee in the stomach though lol. Position yourself better next time?

By Jackthestripper | 0

#99038 - Friday 10 April 2009 16:01

LOL does he know Krav Maga by any chance??

cradle6 | 13

#2756886 - Saturday 25 June 2011 19:07

^hahahaha. That's tactical sleep fighting right there

By Time2Remission | 0

#114574 - Thursday 16 April 2009 1:30

OUCH!