Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob....

By Soline - France

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35079

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8951

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Intimacy

Emergency haircut

Parental guilt

Near the knuckle

By SadMother - United States - South Windsor

Today, I overheard my daughter talking to her boyfriend over the phone about having sex. She said, "You have to piss on me to get me pregnant, that's what I heard anyway." She's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50687

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By :( - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I had a Chinese test. Our teacher decided to wait until yesterday to tell us about it because she "knew" we wouldn't study anyway and she didn't want to stress us out. I'm pretty sure I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20172

You deserved it

1969

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By Lizz - United States

Today, I got up the courage to go to my very first voice lesson. I thought I did alright, but at the end my teacher told me, "Now don't worry about grades in this class, I grade on effort, not on talent." FML

I agree, your life sucks

25611

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3083

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By Anonymous

Today, my lovely boyfriend decided to make grilled cheese on his own for the first time in months. Apparently, within that time span he forgot that plastic doesn't go well with prolonged heat. Goodbye favorite pan and spatula. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5623

You deserved it

505

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By fuckmylife - United States

Today, I decided to be the sober housemate for the first time in a while. I drove my drunk friends to the bar and back and even bought them pizza before they passed out in the living room. I get repaid by catching my wasted housemate in my room peeing all over my floor, bed, and nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58206

You deserved it

8318

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I gave a beautiful book of baby names to a friend of mine who's been trying to get pregnant for a while. She just burst into tears when she saw it. Just before meeting me, she'd found out she was sterile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58165

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By Cam - United Kingdom - Holsworthy

Today, I photoshopped a picture for my Facebook profile so my stomach would look a little flatter. I came back later, only to find someone had said, "What in God's name is this? Is your belly duck-facing?" and half a dozen other insults. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8197

You deserved it

43609

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By jitiizer - Netherlands - Leeuwarden

Today, a stranger called me, saying I look hot in the bra I was wearing. When I hung up, thinking it was a joke, I opened the back door, and saw a man running away from my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34803

You deserved it

2301

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By Muwz - France - Paris

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44419

You deserved it

9734

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By BG1059 - United States - Irving

Today, my best friend since first grade, who I've been in love with for years and finally hooked up with last week, asked me for advice. He wanted to know if he should start a long distance relationship with a girl he hooked up with last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15217

You deserved it

2028

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By nolife - United States

Today, my stalker - an annoying guy who's dedicated the past three years of his life to stalking me at every turn - somehow got a hold of my number and started texting me at 10pm about how I have no life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30279

You deserved it

2950

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By urgg - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34742

You deserved it

4973

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By "crawforda350"

Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3463

You deserved it

239

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By footyfallout - Canada

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13117

You deserved it

53499

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By maystar

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3766

You deserved it

287

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, I decided to start a new and healthy diet. When I came home from my run this morning, my family decided to show their support by buying takeaway food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39417

You deserved it

4722

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By parker1993 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8848

You deserved it

76354

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By Zahkrii

Today, while returning from a class, I stopped to use the bathroom. While in said bath room, someone threw a chip bag filled with piss water into the stall I was using. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2653

Phew, glad it wasn't me

335

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a public toilet, enduring an extremely awkward silence between myself and the person in the next stall. In my rush to get out of there, I managed to get my ass stuck in the toilet seat, and ended up being pulled out by the maintenance men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22307

You deserved it

8049

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4487

You deserved it

320

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By Bye Bye Toast

Today, I came home from a funeral to find that my mother had cleaned my house. She thought it would be a good idea to put my toaster in the dishwasher to clean it. My toaster is fried, and she thinks everything's fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1946

You deserved it

142

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By bronzemedal97 - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48484

You deserved it

3201

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a month after my final bout of intimacy with the stage five clinger who's been borderline stalking me since high school, she called to tell me I'm going to be a father. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14388

You deserved it

62788

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I hit a deer with a rental car... which I had to rent because I hit a deer with my car last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30027

You deserved it

21720

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I had my last orchestra concert and had a large solo. My dad came to watch and record it; however, the whole time he recorded another girl, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48483

You deserved it

3206

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By CC - United States - Southfield

Today, I was icing an injured foot with a frozen water bottle as the doctor directed me. When I was done, I picked the bottle up and immediately dropped it on the same injured foot, which is now swollen and bruised. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21682

You deserved it

4725

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By ihatelife - Canada

Today, I was trying to listen to a phone message I'd received. I was excited because I'd been waiting for the coaches to call me back for tryouts for a week now. Trying to figure out how to listen to it, I ended up deleting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17204

You deserved it

28376

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6759

You deserved it

61985

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By ScrewedOver - United States

Today, is January 1st. Last night, I threw a party. Only 3 people came. Luckily, one of the people who came was the love of my life, I had been hoping to get a midnight kiss from him. Unluckly, he decided to get back with his ex-girlfriend. At my party. They were liplocked almost the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30180

You deserved it

4462

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By Tally - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

49629

You deserved it

2839

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By Rawrssa - United States

Today, I came down with painful sores in my mouth, just after having gotten over a cold. Apparently I'm allergic to the cough drops I've been eating for the past week to make myself feel better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31357

You deserved it

3438

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By that’s what you get - 5/8/2020 17:02

Food for thought

Today, I warned my husband not to eat the seafood he'd left on the counter. He insisted it was fine. He’s now been in the bathroom shitting, puking and wailing for three hours. Our place is tiny and the bathroom is attached to our bedroom. The door doesn’t keep out the noise or the rancid smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1591

You deserved it

137

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By burgeee - United Kingdom

Today, the love of my life sent me a text saying "touch my pork". Somehow I don't think my feelings are mutual. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24381

You deserved it

4243

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By supersmashpika - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26119

You deserved it

9705

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I had just gotten over the flu and thought I was better. So me and my boyfriend decided to have sex. As I was about to orgasm, I puked all over his face. He was so disgusted that he ended up throwing up on me as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70157

You deserved it

26761

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By Bad Teacher - Australia - West End

Today, I got sent to the head teacher's office for doing "stupid hand gestures and disrupting the class". Yesterday my teacher told the class to do the same hand gesture to ask for permission to go to the toilet so it wouldn't interrupt her talking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43643

You deserved it

3265

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By chloe - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58958

You deserved it

3107

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking on a main street downtown. Suddenly, I felt someone slap my butt. I turned around, expecting to be my girlfriend who was to meet me there and almost gave an old homeless man a kiss on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28754

You deserved it

4454

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By megs

Today, I was promoted. After going to school for 10 months to get certified for the new position, training extensively, and taking on a ton more responsibility, I was hoping for a decent raise. How much do my bosses think all of that time and effort is worth? One dollar more per hour than I made before. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9087

You deserved it

1095

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By - France

Today, I drank a beer that I thought was mine, it wasn't and someone had put out their cigarette in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27426

You deserved it

11835

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Top comments

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

COMMENTS

By firstnlast77 | 0

#29272 - Friday 13 March 2009 3:37

lol pwned

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#30966 - Saturday 14 March 2009 5:49

lol

By MEGAJOSH | 0

#31130 - Saturday 14 March 2009 10:43

Well what did you expect trying to wake him up by farting in his mouth???????

toaster468 | 0

#985315 - Monday 26 April 2010 23:13

you sir are a retard, just think, where could she have been where he could knee her in the stomach? his crotch! guess what she did.

TheOptimist | 0

#1145550 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 3:17

Get a sense of humor, toaster. I know it was a bad joke, but he was obviously kidding.

By blue_bunnie | 0

#33810 - Monday 16 March 2009 2:55

yea, you really should have woke him THEN done it. it's a scary feeling to be woken up that way...

billyboi | 0

#513111 - Tuesday 25 August 2009 4:53

nice dude nice

gomego87 | 0

#803985 - Thursday 28 January 2010 5:34

meow

ilaaFML | 0

#1024448 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 2:14

speaking from experience? haha

By sadoc | 0

#40447 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 17:59

thats really sweet of you, dont let one bad experience deter you, just position yourself better next time

By tateno | 0

#41004 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 22:13

hahahaha ouch! that would of hurt

By inlimbo11 | 0

#42351 - Thursday 19 March 2009 8:24

#6 scary? really? i remember it to be the best way i've ever woken up.

just keep your body over the bed next time, not his legs...

By Joeku | 0

#49578 - Sunday 22 March 2009 7:36

Best wakeup call ever. I've never kneed my fiancee in the stomach though lol. Position yourself better next time?

By Jackthestripper | 0

#99038 - Friday 10 April 2009 16:01

LOL does he know Krav Maga by any chance??

cradle6 | 13

#2756886 - Saturday 25 June 2011 19:07

^hahahaha. That's tactical sleep fighting right there

By Time2Remission | 0

#114574 - Thursday 16 April 2009 1:30

OUCH!