Today, my father used my birth certificate as a beer coaster. Accident or not, it pretty much perfectly sums up our relationship. FML

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

Thanks for the memories

Today, I bought a cutting board at a Dollar Store that had a helpful kitchen guide printed on it. It was supposed to list “liquid conversions” but instead said “liquid conversations.” My husband quipped that it reminded him of me in college. I'm a recovering alcoholic. FML

Today, I had to admit that I'm an alcoholic when I spent my last dollar bills on Southern Comfort instead of tampons. FML

Need beer now

Today, I went kayaking with some friends, and I had an empty beer can dedicated to throwing cigarette butts in. After running out of beer, I took a big swig from the only can in my kayak. Twice. FML

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

Today, my roommate gave me a self-help book on alcoholism for my birthday. He's an alcoholic. I gave him that book around 8 months ago. FML

Today, I bumped into my English teacher at an AA meeting. FML

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

Today, the water was shut off, so I had to wash down my anti convulsants, anti depressants and sleep aids with an old, flat, non-alcoholic beer from the night before. I don't think I've ever had a more mentally dysfunctional cocktail. FML