Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, my mother woke me up by loudly vacuuming the house. I had to work the next morning, so I asked her what she was thinking. She told me that if I was really tired and needed sleep, I wouldn't have woken up. It was 3 AM. FML
Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said, "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML
Today, I caught my mom trying to get secretly smashed out of her brain-box on booze at 8:00 a.m. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, my dad told me that I was conceived while he and my mother were high on LSD. He then stared into the distance, mumbled "Probably explains a few things" and chuckled to himself. FML
Today, I told my mom I was thinking of having a baby. She told me it was a huge mistake because children cost a fortune, make you miserable, and if she'd had her chance again she would have gotten her tubes tied when she was 18 and saved herself the grief. Gee, thanks mom. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap before a big job interview at 6. I set two alarm clocks to make sure I didn't miss it, but I woke up at 5:59. As I'm scrambling in a panic to get out the door, my mom says calmly, "I took your alarm clocks out of your room because you looked really tired today." FML
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Top comments
draegbomb 5
In other words you were a load your mother should've swallowed.
Linkerdoodles 15
Well, your mom is kind of a bitch. Sorry OP.
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Comments (108)
ashl123 19
She thinks it was in that time. I'm sure she got around a lot
redbluegreen 41
Because I always check the clock before I have sex.
bettyc4 26
That's what she said
sparkrok 8
why, yes it is
weasel123 9
What a charming mother you have.
thehouseaddict 3
Snap, spot on
silvergaze 1
Bitch! Lol tell her "hey then theres me and my boyfriend."
downtime 13
...So that she thinks you've failed english and this distracts her from the topic at hand?
jizzwold 21
Seriously though, what the **** are you talking about?
tfb4u 8
What a bitch.
ROSEisAmazing01 4
That is a RUDE OLD WOMAN! I would have cussed her out. What a biatch!
l0v3p4in 7
If she was your moma and you cussed her out, I hope she would have bitch-slapped you back to when you were still an anxious sperm in your father's testicular sac. Seriously. Parents can do a lot worse than say a few measly words to piss off or lower their children's self-esteem. Actions speak louder than words. If your parents provide a roof over your head, food for your belly, money for everyday expenses (including a car to drive), and if they don't beat you (except for discipline), sell you to pimps, or keep you locked up in a dark dingy basement for days on end with no human contact, you need to get off your lazy ass now. Find them. Give them a big hug and thank them. Damn ungrateful bastards . . .
jizzwold 21
Seeing as fml is mostly made up of angsty teenagers I wouldn't be surprised if you ended up with a tsunami of downvotes.
l0v3p4in 7
Yeah . . . I figured that. It's okay. Revenge is best served cold, already chewed up and spit back out. They will understand once they have kids. I believe God finds quite a bit of humour in watching these type of people try to raise their own. I imagine Him up there rolling on Heaven's floor laughing hysterically. :)
xxGhost_Wolfxx 2
@ l0v3p4in I am so happy that people like you still exist. Teenagers are extremely ungrateful. I heard this kid complaining about how het parents got a new phone before her. When I've seen her drive to school in a parent bought car.
l0v3p4in 7
Awww, why thank you! :) I've actually witnessed an obese 15 year old complain to her mother why she couldn't get her some ice cream and fix her cell phone's internet connection while the mother was laying in a hospital bed on the very day she had surgery. You could see the mother had her eyes closed, half out of it, trying to ignore her. It took a lot of composure to hold back from slapping that girl. A LOT of composure!
antwon86 4
#51… wtf bro? Seriously just because you and all you followers have 5 examples of spoiled kids dosent mean we are all spoiled… you say that cussing the mom out would have been bad, but you say that you had to restrain from slapping a young girl… I and many other people would agree slapping someone half your age that you don't even know and yelling at a mom because she said something very offensive are two completely different things.… so kindly shut your ******* face
FlamingTacos 7
My biggest mistake at that time would be setting fire to the rain, which burned down my house
redbluegreen 41
Adele, what did I tell you about keeping the fact that you're the Avatar secret?
sougstad 7
It's alright. I shoulda been shot to the floor myself. It ain't so bad bud
l0v3p4in 7
I find this even more hilarious imagining OP's mother saying it in a Japanese accent.