Showing Off

Today, I had a horribly realistic dream where I was being robbed and had to swallow my wedding ring to save it. After waking up, I realized my wedding ring is in fact gone. The doctor assures me that I will have it back in a day or two. FML

Great speech, thanks!

KoBabe

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 01:23 - Japan

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Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

By shizzy09 - 13/4/2009 20:09 - United States

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Today, I woke up and went down to my apartment's underground garage/laundry area to do my laundry and noticed my family's car in the back of the lot, as far away from the garage door as can be, had been broken into. The other, more expensive cars around the garage were untouched. FML

By Anonymous - 10/6/2020 05:08

Targeted

1335

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

By anonymous - 6/11/2009 23:55 - United States

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Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

By Holland - 4/4/2019 12:00

1931

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Today, I spent half an hour on the phone with four departments at my college due to a mistake on my tuition bill. The last guy I talked to told me to call the financial aid office and hung up before I could respond. That was the first office I called. FML

By Anonymous - 25/8/2018 20:30

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Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

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Today, my Platoon Sergeant caught me unshaved, so now I have to write a 1000 word essay on "The importance of shaving." FML

By jacko - 15/8/2010 09:47 - Reserved

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Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

By Tanny - 19/4/2017 04:00

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Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

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Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML

By rinala - 1/7/2012 07:07

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Today, I made my mom a mix CD for her car. It took me ages to find just the right songs that would be perfect for her. When I played it for her in the car, she took it out and threw it out of the window. FML

By lovelikewoe - 11/7/2010 01:00 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

By Whosthegroom - 13/5/2011 01:09 - United States

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Today, I'm so broke that I had to get a refund for my unopened hummus, just so I'd be able to afford the bus fare to get to work tomorrow. FML

By Sarcasmo - 12/7/2016 20:04 - United States - Madison

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Today, I walked into work after being completly wasted last night. I was sitting in a meeting when all of a sudden the presenter had gotten an e-mail saying "crazy girl dances on tables at local bar". So obviously everyone wanted to watch it. That crazy girl was me. FML

By lifesucks - 24/2/2009 19:21 - United States

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Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

By anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:13 - United States

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Today, my mom admitted that she always makes me put away the dishes because my obsessive compulsive tendencies force me to arrange the glasses and silverware by size, just the way she likes them. FML

By Awesome. - 15/9/2011 02:35 - United States

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Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

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Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

By ewewew - 24/9/2009 22:10 - United States

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Today, I had to go along with my mom to meet some of her old friends from high school. When they asked her about how her life was going, she said she was married, always traveling, no kids, and introduced me as the neighbor's kid she babysits. FML

By Bullet - 13/8/2010 16:28 - United States

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Today, my mom called and casually let me know she'd wrecked my iPad after putting it in the dryer with my bed sheets. FML

By Anonymous - 25/10/2014 02:53 - United States - Naples

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Today, I've spent nearly three weeks indulging my boyfriend's weird fetish, where he wears a hockey mask and I call him Jason. He just confessed it isn't really a fetish for him and that was just fucking with me. He's already told all his friends. I'm humiliated. FML

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 12:44 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

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Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

By Moeswifey - 24/10/2010 17:11 - United States

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Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

By squishy - 18/11/2009 21:11 - Canada

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Today, my coworker paid me back the $15 I let him borrow and we shook hands. Later, I was called into my boss's office, where he threatened to fire me for doing a drug deal in front of customers. The police are getting involved. FML

By Sudokori - 7/9/2017 01:30

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Today, my mom told me my aunt was coming over. I told her I might have to work, and would be sad to miss her. My mom said, "Or, you know, if you're not there, it might be nice." FML

By Anonymous - 19/10/2019 20:00

Absence makes the heart grow fonder

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Today, while shopping, I bumped into a guy I knew in high school. He went on about he heard I'd got married, looked like I'd had a baby, and that, "she looks just like you!" The kid was my niece, and my husband broke up with me 2 years ago. Thanks for bringing that up. FML

By thankspal - 24/6/2012 10:57 - United States

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Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

By thissucks - 20/6/2009 01:12 - United States

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Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

By CHEERS, TUMBLTARD - 13/9/2013 21:31

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Today, while sitting on the bus a stranger sat next to me, farted, put his hand under his butt to smell what it was like, and then sniffed it throughout the whole ride while glancing at me. FML

By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 04:53 - United States

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Today, my boyfriend kindly informed me that if I ever got bitten during a zombie apocalypse, he'd love me enough to beat me to death with a tire iron. He said this because he's been having vivid dreams about it happening. I honestly don't know whether he's joking or not. FML

By DeadScared - 19/9/2011 00:23 - Canada

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Today, I was talking to a nice guy on a dating app and we exchanged numbers. Later, I got a call. It was his wife asking me to stop talking to her husband. FML

By Nykole McAllister - 15/9/2018 17:30 - United States - Baltimore

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Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

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Today, while working as a masseur, a man requested a foot massage. This wouldn't have been an issue, had he not had at least 20 warts on his feet. FML

By SquishFish - 10/7/2019 14:05

Big nope

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127

Today, my cat learned how to open doors. Ever since then she's been running up to my room, opening my door, and running away. My cat is playing ding-dong ditch. FML

By Apes - 25/3/2013 07:18 - United States - Temecula

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Today, I had surgery on my "girl parts" and can't have sex for six weeks. My boyfriend sees no need to spend any time with me until I heal up. FML

By Justme - 20/2/2011 12:23 - United States

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Today, my family of five and I decided to have homemade sushi. We did not prepare the fish correctly, and now we all have excruciating food poisoning. The worst part? We only have one bathroom. FML

By fuuuuuh - 20/7/2012 05:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

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Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

By ChangoFett - 26/5/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

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Today, I got to take my 10-year-old son to the junior high school at which I teach. When my students questioned him about what I was like at home, he told the entire class: "Well, she farts all the time." FML

By Laurel - 25/5/2013 04:37 - Canada - Toronto

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Today, my fiancé came home drunk with some girl. Then he told her that I was his sister. FML

By elisabeth_pwnes - 16/3/2012 10:38 - Norway

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