Miscellaneous: Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to... - FML

By fuck teh poleese - 12/02/2012 21:50 - United States

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 973

You deserved it 29 401

Stop talking!

Age difference

You're Gonna Miss Me When I'm Gone

Freaked out

By Anonymous - 30/04/2021 23:02

Today, I told my girlfriend that one of my intellectually challenged friends now holds an engineering position at an aircraft company. She wasn't a fan of flying before, and now refuses to set foot anywhere near any aircraft of any kind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 202

By Anonymous - 27/01/2013 22:44 - Canada - Rosetown

Spicy

Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 681

You deserved it 8 534

By insomniac - 19/06/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 245

You deserved it 4 723

By Anonameow - 26/02/2016 00:31 - United States - Nanticoke

Today, I'm recovering from surgery. Every time I laugh, it hurts so badly I start to cry, which hurts even worse and makes it difficult to breathe. The painkillers I'm on make everything seem funny. I laughed so hard at a dumb pun that I nearly passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 284

You deserved it 1 496

By mac - 27/01/2014 14:40 - Australia - Bankstown

Today, my roommate showed me a video of a cockroach crawling all over my face while I was asleep in the lounge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 362

You deserved it 4 358

By helprelou - 29/06/2016 22:12 - France - La Chevroli?re

Today, a guy who likes me a little too much, and who I asked to tone his advances down a little, sent me a message on Twitter, Facebook and by text message to apologize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 330

You deserved it 1 017

By fishfloors - 21/04/2017 14:00

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 293

You deserved it 861

By SoupCanoe - 29/08/2011 08:33 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum gave me half-raw chicken for dinner. After she refused to cook it again, I threw it away saying that I didn't want to get salmonella. She told to be more grateful, and that I was an idiot for trying to use salmonella as an excuse because 'it's chicken, not salmon'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 042

You deserved it 3 842

By SaggyBoy135 - 12/07/2011 12:19 - United States

Today, my dad thought it would be OK to make sound effects for everything he did, in a public park, with me tagging along behind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 876

You deserved it 3 549

By Silent - 01/06/2012 14:24 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, a girl started talking to me at the bus stop. After it descended into an awkward silence, I jumped on my bus to avoid further conversation. She got on the same bus. And got off at the same stop. I swear the whole bus could feel the tension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 887

You deserved it 4 655

By farksh - 07/03/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 107

You deserved it 6 249

By . - 16/10/2013 21:05 - United States

Today, I convinced my father that "Juanito", our relative who needed money for immediate surgery in Mexico was a stranger attempting to scam him. I was $1400 too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 262

You deserved it 4 031

By cubs44fan - 04/03/2014 23:25 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I had the most intelligent conversation I've ever had with my boyfriend. He was getting really in-depth about subjects like biotechnology and gamma radiation. I soon realized he was only referring to the Incredible Hulk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 379

You deserved it 6 126

By Anonymous - 06/01/2015 00:16 - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 062

You deserved it 3 190

By ...thanks - 07/09/2013 14:17 - United States

Today, my best friend confessed to me that she's a lesbian. She quickly added, "Oh, don't worry, I don't like you. You're not attractive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 582

You deserved it 4 862

By Misunderstood Waitress - 06/11/2012 22:37 - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 690

You deserved it 49 687

By All The Best People Are Crazy~ - 04/11/2016 03:49 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my cat used his expensive new bed for the first time since he got it last month. He used it as a litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 932

You deserved it 1 262

By nic - 01/04/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, for April fools I decided to set off the smoke detectors in my friend's apartment while he was sleeping and saran wrap the outside of his bedroom doorway so he would smack into it. Instead, he jumped out the window and broke his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 722

You deserved it 120 278

By EyeSeeYou - 02/05/2012 18:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 885

You deserved it 6 905

By Zack - 01/04/2012 21:36 - United States - Duncannon

Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 713

You deserved it 26 405

By Jobless - 10/12/2016 03:35

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 024

You deserved it 584

Classic fantasy

By I was just curious - 17/06/2021 17:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I made the mistake of telling my boyfriend that I once fooled around innocently with another girl. He’s now trying to force me to "explore my bisexuality". Not because he thinks it’s a healthy expression, but he thinks it’s "hot" and wants to set up threesomes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 295

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 379

You deserved it 4 545

By Jim - 28/03/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I decided to ask my girlfriend of 3 years to marry me. I made brownies with walnuts and put an engagement ring into the brownie I gave her. Not only did she choke on the ring, but on the way to the emergency room, I find out she is highly allergic to walnuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 205

You deserved it 82 461

By calikola - 28/01/2009 17:25 - United States

Today, my grandmother who has Alzheimer's and can't usually remember my name, had a sudden moment of clarity and asked me why I'm still not married yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 416

You deserved it 2 261

By Anonymous - 19/10/2012 20:54 - Czech Republic - Ceska

Spicy

Today, while making love to my wife, I felt adventurous and told her to hit me. She didn't so much as hesitate before savagely slapping me with her ring hand. Now I'm back home from the hospital, with stitches closing up a huge gash on my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 493

You deserved it 31 659

By Lola - 29/07/2019 06:00

Today, for the third time, I’ve had to clean a puddle of pee from the bathroom floor. I live alone, and I’m a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 397

You deserved it 531

By Solo coffee - 28/06/2017 00:00

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of 2 and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 419

You deserved it 442

By Tenniemo - 20/06/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 685

You deserved it 195

By Wetarse - 15/03/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was laughing at the new granite stool sculpture our work put in the office garden. I said to my colleagues for a laugh that I'd be the first to sit on it. Turns out it was a bird bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 4 384

By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 20:54 - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 994

You deserved it 6 109

By Anonymous - 18/07/2014 23:06 - United States - Horseheads

Today, my mom told me my relationship is a joke, because teenagers don't understand the meaning of relationships and commitment. I couldn't help but remind her how she's divorced three separate men to date. She hit me over the head so hard that snot flew out of my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 817

You deserved it 11 239

By brokeandcardless - 13/01/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 782

You deserved it 2 589

By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 14:49 - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 466

You deserved it 4 851

By payne - 04/01/2010 21:07 - United States

Today, I found my daughter's brand new ipod touch. At the bottom of the washing machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 650

You deserved it 6 190

By snowbunny - 12/02/2010 02:14 - United States

Today, I bundled up to shovel my car out of almost 2 feet of snow, only to find my car was gone. I ran into the nearby police station to report my stolen car. The policeman trudged down with me to get a report. I had parked my car on the other side of the street. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 333

You deserved it 31 432

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 16:24 - United States

Today, I took my Spanish test, and I felt very confident. I got the test back later, and saw my teacher had written on it: "Congrats on the 94%, but I know you cheated." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 844

You deserved it 7 430

By drunk - 06/03/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up on a friend's floor with a massive hangover after her party last night. My friend, who was next to me, barfed all over me. She then told me that while I was drunk last night, I made out with her dog as well as two of our other friend's boyfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 245

You deserved it 40 810

By Professional_Ars - 18/10/2018 12:00

Today, my coworker brought chocolate muffins to work for everyone. This would have been really nice if they hadn't tasted like rotten blueberry muffins spray-painted brown. I reflexively gagged after taking a bite and coughed up a brown mush in front of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 443

You deserved it 215

By NickC - 29/11/2009 00:40 - Malaysia

Today, my girlfriend's parents wanted to cook dinner for me. After a whole day of cooking up a storm, her parents cooked an elaborate meal of roast lamb, pork chops and grilled chicken. Rejecting a meal is like spitting in ones face in Chinese culture. I'm vegetarian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 093

You deserved it 14 928

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Monday 13 February 2012 2:58

Pore microwave.:c it was just doing its job. Fuck your microwave's life

grahambertus 11

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:12

Yes, that PORE microwave. All it ever wanted was to be a hair follicle, but now its just a pimple.

Comments

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Monday 13 February 2012 2:58

Pore microwave.:c it was just doing its job. Fuck your microwave's life

grahambertus 11

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:12

Yes, that PORE microwave. All it ever wanted was to be a hair follicle, but now its just a pimple.

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:17

Need a moment?

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:33

#1 Here lies the PORE little microwave. The POUR thing was just minding it's own business when it was yelled at to death. And fyi, it's POOR.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:51

I'd hate to see what you do to your toaster when the bread gets burned...

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:03

.-. Blame my iPod. *poor xD

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:49

Yeah, too bad iPods don't change poor to pore.

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Monday 13 February 2012 5:05

Too bad they do if you type the wrong letter...especially since iPods are touch screen and all.....

dayzz1 10

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Monday 13 February 2012 5:22

Poor*

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Monday 13 February 2012 5:46

Sounds like me when I play CoD :S

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 13 February 2012 6:06

This is definitely one of those situations where you turn around and notice someone was watching you with their jaw dropped the whole time while you did the dumbest thing in your life.

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Monday 13 February 2012 7:40

Get some friends at least they will defend you microwave

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Monday 13 February 2012 9:01

fuck your poor spellings life! :D

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Monday 13 February 2012 15:45

XD Good one!

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Monday 13 February 2012 15:52

Don't we all do this sometimes

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Monday 13 February 2012 21:36

Lol. Your picture matches perfectly to your comment

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:52

Heck yea lol

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 21:03

Why thank you!8D

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Monday 13 February 2012 2:58

You PROBABLY have anger problems? More like you DO have anger problems.

LightningCactus 12

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:17

That microwave must be terrified every time op goes into the kitchen.

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Monday 13 February 2012 5:34

WHY DIDN'T GOD GIVE MICROWAVES LEGS!!!

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Monday 13 February 2012 5:46

Wait... What?

rubberduckie94 13

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Monday 13 February 2012 16:36

I would hate to have seen what happened to his lap top or phone had this been denied publication when he read the email telling him so.

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 1:55

*beep beep beep beep beep* did that make you mad OP ? :O

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:00

I believe that's actually having anger issues.

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Wednesday 15 February 2012 5:25

Hi!

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:01

I feel bad for the people that have to live with you :P

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:01

Umadbro?

LiveLaughFML 10

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:25

Staymad.

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:51

Bemad.

WhoaItsKiernan 4

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:42

Get glad! No? Okay..*crawls back into dmthe corner*

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:01

If you think you have anger issues just because of that, then i declare myself to have anger issues as well. Lol jk. Sucks pretty bad for you xD

DrDilllonReese 12

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:59

Anger management issues aren't funny. Just saying.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:22

Yes they are. =.=

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:02

I'm curious at to why OP's name is "f**k teh poleese."

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:05

You know you can say fuck...right? Why do you censor it ? Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckidy fuck fuck. :l

LiveLaughFML 10

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:21

Fuck my life.

DrDilllonReese 12

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:00

Fuck everyone.

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:14

Fuck you and fuck me.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:24

-.-

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:24

Ya lets all just fuck together....*starts fucking*

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:32

possibly because they hate the police cause they're a criminal, or super badass

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Monday 13 February 2012 7:10

or they're criminalS not they're a criminal

dapheronixx03 6

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Monday 13 February 2012 7:48

agree.and your very cutee! message me:)

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 8:08

Fuck you, and fuck SPAGHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETI

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:02

I moderated this today

TheLoneWandererX 2

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:05

Get off the crystal brah its bad for da health.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Monday 13 February 2012 18:29

Not everyone is a bra >:(

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Monday 13 February 2012 20:40

I wish I was a bra.

TheLoneWandererX 2

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Tuesday 14 February 2012 2:37

Everyone is a bra in my book!!!

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Monday 13 February 2012 3:08

OP, your a nut job.

hotPinklipstick 24

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Monday 13 February 2012 4:33

You need a dictionary.

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Monday 13 February 2012 7:43

And you'RE a bitch, who gives a rats, this is the Internet. Fyl 54!

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Monday 13 February 2012 7:50

^ here's 3 rats. Now, find a dictionary! It's "you're," not "your."

hotPinklipstick 24

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Monday 13 February 2012 8:07

82- It's funny how you concluded I'm a bitch from one comment. I wasn't rude, I didn't curse, and I didn't call names. Seems to me like you're the bitch in this thread. Have a nice day.

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Monday 13 February 2012 9:04

If I need to spell correctly I will. But do I need to here? No. And it doesn't really change how people read it so piss off.

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Saturday 18 February 2012 11:12

89, I've seen many of your comments to come to this conclusion.

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Monday 20 February 2012 16:24

haha this is actually kinda funny how long this argument went on

CBML 7

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 7:25

Fuck off you mean :P

CBML 7

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Wednesday 29 February 2012 7:27

Nice one hotpinklipstic

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Monday 12 March 2012 9:06

I stand by the fact ur a whinging mole :)

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 924

You deserved it 121

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 295