Today, I thought I felt something itch my butt as I sat down on the toilet. Sure it was just my imagination, I did my business. When I was done I saw there were 4 cockroaches crawling under the seat. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I was abruptly woken by a scratching at my butthole that felt like a spider with a million legs. I've never leapt out of bed so fast. When my partner shined a light on the bed, we discovered it was a cockroach. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I was playing my guitar and felt something like an itch under my foot, so I attempted to scratch it by rubbing against the floor. The big cockroach made a very distinct "crunch". FML
Today, at work, I thought I had to fart, but didn’t trust it. I squeezed cheek and hurried to the bathroom. As I was sitting down, liquid shot out of my butthole and got on the seat. I then sat in it. On top of, that I saw a spider crawl out of my underwear. The spider bothers me more. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go pee. While in the bathroom, I felt something move inside my shirt but just ignored it, thinking it was my shirt brushing on something. Something moved again. I ripped my shirt off to reveal a massive cockroach inside my shirt. FML
Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML
Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML
Today, I thought it was a good idea to flush the stink bug I found in my kitchen. Later I went in the bathroom to take a crap, and next thing I know, I feel a stink bug on my privates. I guess it didn't flush after all. FML
Today, I saw a roach on my toilet. I thought it would be funny to pee on it. It jumped out, which scared me; I hit my head on the wall and started bleeding, then I peed all over myself and the wall. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
aloring 14
If I feel something on my butt I usually stand back up and look at it. Sure it could have been imagination but better safe than sorry..
DocBastard 40
Now we know that cockroaches can survive a nuclear war AND the smell of your ass.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (129)
FelicityWishes 32
That makes me cringe! Poor you! :(
jayrj22 4
I would have died and ran out like no tomorrow!!! Thats crazy!
Lionesse 15
Raid time.... Even then, the Raid spray won't kill them sometimes.. Cockroaches are stubborn bastards..
sarafyna2011 6
You are lucky that they were just roaches ! The most black widow bites happen on the butt, but just thinking about this gives me the creeps !
Jester1988 3
black widows like to hide in/behind toilets. i always check lol.
FelicityWishes 32
That's why I always check as well.
lmbachman 23
My question is: was this your own bathroom??
flysniper77 6
Read this just as I started my dump..
CrackC 5
Thats ****** gross!!
Zebediabolical 45
YDI, OP, but only because you didn't look when you felt something tickle your ass. Just think, next time it could be a sewer rat. Or an albino sewer alligator!
BananerzFresh 12
You didn't see them before you sat on the toilet? Smh.