Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after... - FML

By dire-rear - 16/1/2010 20:19 - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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Proactive

Great boyfriend

Peaky Bladders

By Anonymous - 14/6/2018 20:30

It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again...

Today, after showering and moisturising, I turned my fan on to max blast. I got covered in clumps of dust, which I had to take another shower to remove. FML

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By Alyssa - 28/8/2019 04:00 - United States - Macon

Dirty girl

Today, at church, while everyone was shaking hands and saying, “Peace be with you” to one another, a man took out hand sanitizer and washed his hands after he shook mine. And only mine. FML

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By Liv - 29/10/2013 22:09 - United Kingdom - Great Bookham

Today, my mother was talking about a holiday she went on this time last year. She turned to me to say, "You would've loved it, it's a shame you couldn't come". I was there. It was just the two of us on holiday together. FML

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By anonymous - 3/9/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I had a volleyball game against our rivals. I hit myself in the face with the ball 3 times, fell flat on my face against the court, and later had an asthma attack with no inhaler in sight. We lost the game. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 08:50 - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2019 18:02

Today, I offered to help my mother-in-law boil noodles for some noodle soup. She loudly said, "You know how!?" I'm a chef. FML

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By kyyle - 11/1/2014 04:02 - United States - Chicago

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

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By mybfthecrossdresser - 20/1/2015 15:08 - Australia - Scarborough

Today, I found out my boyfriend dresses in my underwear and tights, takes suggestive shots of his ass and legs, and uses them to trick people into thinking he's a girl so they buy him stuff in his online games. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2012 14:33 - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By Swedishsummer - 8/5/2016 21:54 - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

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By Charity Taylor - 18/10/2019 22:00

Some pain, no gain

Today, after establishing that we have no idea what's wrong with me, only that it's chronic pain, my doctor informed me that even though I've been dealing with increasingly worse symptoms for years, I'm not a "good applicant" for pain medication. FML

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By Noname - 18/2/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By sandra - 20/9/2010 06:13 - United States

Today, I was working with some shelter puppies transporting them to the vet's. I got all of the puppies in but one, and when I went to pull him out, I realized he had gotten car sick. Before I could stop it happening, he wagged his vomit-covered tail and hit me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2014 08:08 - United States - Seattle

Today, I got an e-mail regarding an IT support job I applied to. The e-mail had numerous formatting errors due to bad code, and typos all over the place. It said I wasn't qualified for the job. FML

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By Pokemon problems - 23/10/2012 22:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

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By Brightbulb - 16/11/2017 23:00 - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

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By HeatherFeatherB - 5/1/2016 03:27 - United States - Mundelein

Today, one of my customers told me he was going to kill himself when I explained to him that I wasn't going to be able to deliver him the gallon of milk he wanted. I work in a pharmacy, dispensing medication. FML

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By G - 8/10/2011 17:03 - United States

Today, my dad came to confiscate my phone. I stuck it in between my boobs so he wouldn't be able to see it. He said, "Honey, your breasts aren't big enough to hide that." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 19:41 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

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By SquirrellyGirl - 15/7/2019 22:00

Today, my brother asked if I could babysit his kids tomorrow. I declined, as tomorrow is my birthday and I have plans. This isn't the first time he's forgotten my birthday, and I doubt it'll be the last. FML

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By ChangoFett - 26/5/2013 06:46 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, I changed my teacher's PowerPoint picture to me making a funny face. He saw it and changed it to a picture of him, with a middle finger. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2019 04:00

Today, I made eye-contact with a cute guy in a store. Too bad he saw me buying anti-diarrhea medicine. FML

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By mytoehurts - 26/6/2015 13:09 - Canada - Ayr

Today, I was at my lifeguarding exam. Everything was going well until I went to 'save' someone and slipped and bellyflopped into the pool. I broke my toe, and the person I was supposed to save ended up saving me instead. FML

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By figures - 29/11/2009 01:53 - United States

Today, I found out I've been misspelling my middle name for 25 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2018 09:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, my boss entrusted me with his car to run an errand, as I usually take the bus. I managed to get there and back safely before someone slammed into me while I was re-entering the lot, causing major damage. It was his wife, who thought I was a car thief. FML

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By LT - 7/8/2009 18:29 - United States

Today, the car I was in got pulled over by the police for making an illegal turn. I was in a cab. And he kept the meter running. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - 3/1/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By trash80 - 21/2/2018 19:00

This is why we shop online!

Today, while checking out at Target, I had the choice of standing behind one lady or a long line. Naturally, I chose the former. Half an hour later, the long line had completely passed, and I was still standing behind the lady, who was now arguing with the cashier. FML

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By Nope - 26/6/2015 21:46 - United States - Healdsburg

Today, I was at the market when a guy started telling the man I was with how "curly-haired women are an adventure," saying what he would do to a woman like me. He was talking to my father. FML

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By Mush - 27/8/2015 16:42 - France - Montpellier

Today, after an 8-month wait, I went on my big vacation. The beach, the sea, the dive, the jellyfish, the allergic reaction, the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2020 05:00

Who are you?

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 5 years only got divorced last year. I never even knew he was married. FML

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By mmromig - 8/2/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, my therapist told me that I need to do something different with my hair. Then I paid her. FML

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By heartsick - 24/10/2011 01:37 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital with severe chest pain, thinking it was a heart attack. Turns out now I just can't have booze, pop, chocolate, fruit with skins, seeds, tomatoes, or mint. I'd rather have the heart attack. FML

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By Sewert_5 - 10/11/2015 16:16

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

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By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By bookworm94 - 27/7/2009 04:10 - United States

Today, my immature dad said I am a girl not a woman, so my witty response was ''I have a period, I'm pretty sure that makes me a woman.'' My dad stole my phone and sent a text to everyone in my address book, quoting me. Including the guy I like. FML

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By me - 22/6/2012 07:28 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I made a phone call in my office to my doctor. He wanted to call a prescription to my pharmacy, but wanted to know by what method I would prefer my medication. During our conversation, a group of potential clients walked in just as I exclaimed "I definitely prefer oral." FML

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By parenting_failure - 20/3/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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By anon - 18/3/2011 12:36

Today, I finally got the courage to say to my boyfriend that I feel invisible and ignored. To this he said 'You aren't invisible, I mean, look at that nose.' FML

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Top comments

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

COMMENTS

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#778552 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:00

lmao #1!!!

Reply

silvermoonstar3 | 2

#778607 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:33

F the OP's life for thinking it is possible she ate it and it lived through it!

Reply

The_Cardinal | 0

#778652 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Microbiologist | 0

#778686 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

Wow the cardinal really feels they know best don't they! No way is it not implied, that was also my initial understanding too.

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#778822 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:57

airgo visa vi, cincordingly.

Reply

l1douchhe1l | 0

#779806 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:43

u got that from the mtv parody of matrix right

Reply

vde_fml | 15

#782156 - Monday 18 January 2010 15:39

Think logically, can a cockroach survive the stomach acid?
If yes then it's came trough your body.

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#848086 - Friday 12 February 2010 13:00

actually fellas cockroaches can live through a lot.

Reply

austinkarimi | 0

#901049 - Sunday 28 February 2010 18:32

not really. everyone always says that because they can survive nuclear fallout. they can't survive my shoe though.

Reply

depotst | 0

#976873 - Friday 9 April 2010 16:36

Actually, he was right. I always think it's weird when people write comments like that.. I'm not sure if it's people being lazy, reading comprehension fail or what.

Reply

FreshlyCut | 0

#3466505 - Friday 21 October 2011 15:49

Have you had any Chinese food lately?

Reply

riax | 9

#4541298 - Friday 8 June 2012 19:40

no shit, the cockroach would've been dead even before it reached her stomach, she would hv chewed it to death! There is another possibility, it may have fallen into the toilet from her panties :/

Reply

JadeOmega | 23

#6560812 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 23:52

before

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

By velvel | 7

#778463 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:09

poor cockroach!

Reply

quicheme45 | 0

#2219464 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 0:35

I love ur pic!!!

By Icy_fml | 0

#778465 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

surpried it didnt eat the poo.

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779452 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:01

Maybe thats what it was doing.

By tinetine_fml | 0

#778466 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By ihatemylifemore | 0

#778473 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:12

LOL XD

By DillyLyn | 0

#778476 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:13

you shat a roach?

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1359338 - Monday 6 September 2010 9:20

sgt. gary roach Sanderson?

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#778480 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:15

Probably after or your stomach acids would have killed/injured it wayy before the day after. Plus if you ate it you need also to consider the way you eat and how you managed to not chew it. Your house may be questionable otherwise.

This is disturbing and hillarious, not sure which more so

Reply

Ascaryrobot | 0

#778900 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:39

So roaches can survive massive radiation but not a little acid?

Reply

Vitamin_C | 0

#778927 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:57

Radiation =/= being dunked and churned in acid for close to an hour. And it certainly isn't "a little"...

Reply

DeadMansCrack | 4

#779030 - Sunday 17 January 2010 4:19

Yeah, without all of the mucous surrounding the stomach, the acids would eat away at your body from the inside.

By maryoceanblue | 0

#778487 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:21

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

By maskedman | 9

#778488 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:23

This happens to me alot. I want it to stop but I love Chipotle too much.

Reply

Love_Bug | 0

#778707 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:20

you crap roaches too?? O_o

Reply

JustCyanide | 0

#778894 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:37

LOL

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779457 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:03

ROFLMAO south park never fails. Ever.

Reply

lalagirl912 | 0

#1661682 - Sunday 7 November 2010 8:12

I love Kenny from southpark :) <3

Reply

DuckfaceSoccerpu | 0

#2616450 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:43

it was cartman.. not Kenny.