Health: Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after... - FML

By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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Mother of the year

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Inspirational tale

By Anne - United States

Today, I spoke to my ex again for the first time after our breakup. The first words out of his mouth were, "I love you, so I'm going to have to confess some things in the hopes that my honesty will help us get back together." It didn't, but it does mean I have to get tested now. FML

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By Unlovable

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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By Boo - Australia

Today, I finally had a phone call after a week of nothing. It was my mother. It was an accident. FML

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By hamster cookie - France

Today, my 6 year old son learned that if you give a mouse a cookie, he will ask for a glass of milk. But if you give a hamster a cookie, he will try to shove the whole thing in his mouth, choke, and die. FML

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By KittKatt - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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By Anonymous

So selfish

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

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By Sleepless Dreams - Canada - Toronto

Today, my roommates told me about all the stupid and embarrassing things I did last night, none of which I remember. Drunk out of my mind? No, I just tried a new sleeping pill after weeks of insomnia. I still barely slept. FML

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, my husband told me I was lucky to have someone who would love me no matter what my vagina smelled like. FML

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By poorchild - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

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By NoUsernamHere - United States

Today, I was working on a project in my schools library when a group of teenagers came in and began loudly talking and laughing. When I asked them to please quiet down, the librarian asked me to leave for being too loud. FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, McDonalds charged me 21 cents for a honey mustard packet. The jerk manager made me break a $50 bill. So I grabbed all their napkins, carried them into the parking lot and tossed them all into the air in protest and drove off. Down the road, I realized I left my wallet at the counter. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 08:01

Mr Loverman

Today, my boyfriend asked when I was going to bed, because he wanted to have sex. With himself. FML

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By bookworm

Today, I had a garage sale and sold some books I don't read anymore. A woman came up and yelled at me, saying I'd stolen one of the books from her house. I later found out that it was a distraction so that her boyfriend could steal my TV. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML

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By say my name

Today, I was having sex with the guy I've been in love with for years. I moaned, "say my name." He didn't know it. FML

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By TheVirginJenny - United States - Spanaway

Uptight girl, she's been living in her uptight world…

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

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By EMTGirl'sLife - United States - Basking Ridge

Today, I responded to an emergency call for an intoxicated 83-year-old man with chest pains. As I leaned forward to check his lung sounds, he groped my chest and said, "Nice rack". I just wanted to see if he had difficulty breathing. I don't even get paid for this, I'm a volunteer for the town. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By What. - United States - Pawtucket

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

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By Anonymous

Whack-a-Mole

Today, I had to pick my daughter up from pre-school because she repeatedly hit another kid with a stick. Apparently, my parents have been letting her watch violent action movies again. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, I was sitting in my basement watching IT. I heard a knocking at my door and turned the outside lights on to see a clown outside staring in at me. I freaked out and began screaming and jumping around like a Chihuahua on drugs. My friends told me it should be on YouTube within the week. FML

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By Rosies - France

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. We all looked together at family photos on the computer. The first picture was a close up of my mother, bare breasts in full view. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Belleville

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

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By BigBallah93 - China

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her mom gave me some seasoned cauliflower, which I didn't like. Not wanting to dissapoint my girlfriend's mom, I slipped the cauliflower of my plate and gave it to their dog. It turns out cauliflower gives their dog explosive diarrhea. FML

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By living in the ugly treehouse - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bonita Springs

Today, my sister got promoted to manager at the store we both work at. Since company policy states that siblings can't work at the same store if one of them is a manager, I was let go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

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By Thanh Quang

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

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By disgusting - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By outie - 13/9/2020 02:02

Genetics

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 20:01

Do me a solid

Today, and for the last six months, I've been on a medication that greatly improves the main symptoms of my chronic illness. Too bad it also gives me chronic diarrhea. I feel much better and can function better than I have since my teens, but I haven't taken a solid dump in half a year. FML

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By Ophelia - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By bam.93

Creepy

Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML

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By notenough - United States

Today, I was on the webcam with my boyfriend. I could see that he was on the couch, and alone, so I took off my shirt and smiled, waiting to see his reaction. He smiled at me but then kept looking in another direction. I playfully asked "What's so distracting?" His answer: "History Channel". FML

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By violetbcracecar - United States - Suisun City

Today, for the first time in my life, I have lice. The dog we rescued infested our house. No amount of showering has made me feel clean, and my bald husband just doesn't understand why I'm so bothered. FML

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By idk.man® - 1/1/2021 22:54

Thanks, dad

Today, I got yelled at by my dad again for being inside so much instead of outside doing stuff. We are still in a lockdown and are not allowed to leave the house unless its for work or to go to the store. FML

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By allocomrade - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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Top comments

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

COMMENTS

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#778552 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:00

lmao #1!!!

Reply

silvermoonstar3 | 3

#778607 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:33

F the OP's life for thinking it is possible she ate it and it lived through it!

Reply

The_Cardinal | 0

#778652 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Microbiologist | 0

#778686 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

Wow the cardinal really feels they know best don't they! No way is it not implied, that was also my initial understanding too.

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#778822 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:57

airgo visa vi, cincordingly.

Reply

l1douchhe1l | 0

#779806 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:43

u got that from the mtv parody of matrix right

Reply

vde_fml | 15

#782156 - Monday 18 January 2010 15:39

Think logically, can a cockroach survive the stomach acid?
If yes then it's came trough your body.

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#848086 - Friday 12 February 2010 13:00

actually fellas cockroaches can live through a lot.

Reply

austinkarimi | 0

#901049 - Sunday 28 February 2010 18:32

not really. everyone always says that because they can survive nuclear fallout. they can't survive my shoe though.

Reply

depotst | 0

#976873 - Friday 9 April 2010 16:36

Actually, he was right. I always think it's weird when people write comments like that.. I'm not sure if it's people being lazy, reading comprehension fail or what.

Reply

FreshlyCut | 0

#3466505 - Friday 21 October 2011 15:49

Have you had any Chinese food lately?

Reply

riax | 9

#4541298 - Friday 8 June 2012 19:40

no shit, the cockroach would've been dead even before it reached her stomach, she would hv chewed it to death! There is another possibility, it may have fallen into the toilet from her panties :/

Reply

JadeOmega | 23

#6560812 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 23:52

before

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

By velvel | 7

#778463 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:09

poor cockroach!

Reply

quicheme45 | 0

#2219464 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 0:35

I love ur pic!!!

By Icy_fml | 0

#778465 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

surpried it didnt eat the poo.

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779452 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:01

Maybe thats what it was doing.

By tinetine_fml | 0

#778466 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By ihatemylifemore | 0

#778473 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:12

LOL XD

By DillyLyn | 0

#778476 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:13

you shat a roach?

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1359338 - Monday 6 September 2010 9:20

sgt. gary roach Sanderson?

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#778480 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:15

Probably after or your stomach acids would have killed/injured it wayy before the day after. Plus if you ate it you need also to consider the way you eat and how you managed to not chew it. Your house may be questionable otherwise.

This is disturbing and hillarious, not sure which more so

Reply

Ascaryrobot | 0

#778900 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:39

So roaches can survive massive radiation but not a little acid?

Reply

Vitamin_C | 0

#778927 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:57

Radiation =/= being dunked and churned in acid for close to an hour. And it certainly isn't "a little"...

Reply

DeadMansCrack | 4

#779030 - Sunday 17 January 2010 4:19

Yeah, without all of the mucous surrounding the stomach, the acids would eat away at your body from the inside.

By maryoceanblue | 0

#778487 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:21

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

By maskedman | 9

#778488 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:23

This happens to me alot. I want it to stop but I love Chipotle too much.

Reply

Love_Bug | 0

#778707 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:20

you crap roaches too?? O_o

Reply

JustCyanide | 0

#778894 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:37

LOL

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779457 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:03

ROFLMAO south park never fails. Ever.

Reply

lalagirl912 | 0

#1661682 - Sunday 7 November 2010 8:12

I love Kenny from southpark :) <3

Reply

DuckfaceSoccerpu | 0

#2616450 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:43

it was cartman.. not Kenny.