Health: Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after... - FML

By dire-rear - Singapore

Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML

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BO Central

He has issues

Nooooooo… !

By Ouch - United States

Today, I was very sick and kept throwing up. I took a shower after every time I threw up. While in the shower after I threw up, I had to throw up again, so I got out and ran to the toilet. I slipped on the tile, broke my nose on the floor, and then threw up. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML

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By SaltIsReal

Today, after winning the first set for school tennis championship, the losing side refused to shake hands with my team. We ended up getting disqualified from the championship by the referee for bad conduct, even though it wasn't our fault. We told the referee what happened, and he said, "Suck it up." FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was meeting my girlfriend at the airport after studying abroad for a year. She ran to hug me, and I wanted to pick her up and spin her around, like they do in those romantic movies. I tried to do that, but instead I dropped her. FML

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By TowelSmellsNice - Malaysia

Today, I wrapped a towel around my waist so I could take a dump while using my laptop. I sat on the toilet seat and let a big load go. Turns out I forgot to unwrap the towel. FML

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By unwanted - United States

Today, I realized my wife often switches the TV channel from the crime dramas we both like, to Hollywood gossip shows that I can't stand, just to get me to leave the room. From the other room, I can see that she switches back once I've left. She's probably been doing this for years. FML

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By glens - United States

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

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By fml333 - Saudi Arabia

Today, I was hanging out with my ex's new girlfriend. I found out he was dating us both at the same time and was comparing between us. That is why he broke up with me two years ago and is still with her ever since. FML

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By Asteria

Today, my dryer was finally repaired after not working for over a month. I did one load of laundry and my washer stopped working. Another day, another $400+ repair bill. FML

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By alerra - United States - Baton Rouge

Not mine

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was having a garage sale and my mother-in-law came by to see what I was selling. She decided to buy these ugly green wine glasses that were still unopened. It turns out that she gave those to my wife and I when we got married. FML

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By Andy

Today, on my Facebook newsfeed, I noticed a photo of a coworker. In the comment section of the photo he and his wife had written "I love you" to each other. As a joke I commented "get a room". Turns out the woman with the same surname as my coworker wasn't in fact his wife, but his daughter. FML

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By thanksforthat - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

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By fedupson - United States - Milpitas

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

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By panicelement - United States - Carbondale

Today, my college started an internet "confessions" page. Out of curiosity I checked it out, only to find that it's full of some of the most disturbing stuff I've ever read. My schoolmates are either filthy as fuck or they are all pathological liars. Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and we were talking about childhood memories. He told me about a girl he made fun of in middle school. That was me. FML

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By blahblah - Canada

Today, I'm in a relationship with a guy who yells at me everyday for things I didn't do, is in a dead-end job and is not attractive whatsoever, but I can't bring myself to break up with him because he would get to keep the dog. FML

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By audreyav - United States - Dallas

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

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By CassieMarieee - United States

Today, I had to jump into my car while it was still moving. Apparently, just because you put it in park and turn it off, doesn't mean it won't take off towards a ditch without warning. FML

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By jenpearl - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

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By Headless - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - V?ster

Today, I woke up to find my best friend lying down and unresponsive. Frightened, I tapped on the glass. He got scared and started swimming again. My best friend is a fish. FML

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By

Today, I finally received my new computer in the mail. I was so excited, I kissed the box. The truck driver definitely noticed. FML

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By jokersgirl

Today, my boyfriend and I had the wildest sex we'd ever had. I was on top of him and started going at it like crazy. I was close to finishing when the Mortal Kombat phrase "FINISH HIM!" popped into my head. It wasn't until I saw a weird look on his face that I realized I'd said it out loud. FML

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By trp007 - United States - New Castle

Today, after cleaning my house because I'd thrown a party all weekend while my parents were gone, I still got caught because somebody tried to make beer popsicles with Q-Tips in the ice trays in my freezer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lemon Grove

Today, I was pretending a long corridor at work was a catwalk, when a coworker walked out just in time to see me prancing around like an idiot. Now the whole building is laughing about it. FML

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By EPICfml. - United States

Today, my dad woke me up at 6 told me to take a shower and drove me to school only to say "just kidding, happy snowday!" FML

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By escortedout - United States

Today, I was at a movie theater. I heard some obnoxious people talking in front of me. After about 5 minutes, I began throwing popcorn at a group of suspected people. As I was escorted out, I realized that the obnoxious people were in the background of the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss threw a party for everyone in the office who has a birthday in September. Everyone got a cake with their names on it except me. My birthday is today. FML

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By pissed off

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

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By thacupcakeassassin - United States - Shippensburg

Today, I woke up from the most satisfying dream I've ever experienced. Sex related? Nah. I just needed two hands to pull a massive booger from my left nostril. FML

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By

Don't care

Today, I realized that I'm a horrible uncle, I have two nephews and I don't know their age nor birthday. They are twins. FML

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By master6

Today I was pulling in to my work parking lot gate, accidentally hit the accelerator instead of the brake pedal, ran through the gate arm. FML

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By Big B - United States

Today, I was at the strip club. I put my dollar on the stage. When the stripper came over to take it, she stood me up and flipped my tits and said I had bigger ones than her. I'm a guy. FML

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By 20singleandproudish - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to my family remodeling our (extremely) out of date bathroom. I was SUPER excited to help them get it done. I walked down the hallway and opened my bedroom door to find a huge, gaping hole in my wall and my room covered in dust. I had to sweep every surface in my room. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got my first university math midterm back. I did so bad that my teacher put a sadface on the first page. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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Top comments

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

COMMENTS

By SSJ5Goku | 0

#778458 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

...Which would you prefer?

Reply

jessxoxo28 | 5

#778552 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:00

lmao #1!!!

Reply

silvermoonstar3 | 3

#778607 - Sunday 17 January 2010 0:33

F the OP's life for thinking it is possible she ate it and it lived through it!

Reply

The_Cardinal | 0

#778652 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Microbiologist | 0

#778686 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:16

Wow the cardinal really feels they know best don't they! No way is it not implied, that was also my initial understanding too.

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#778822 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:57

airgo visa vi, cincordingly.

Reply

l1douchhe1l | 0

#779806 - Sunday 17 January 2010 15:43

u got that from the mtv parody of matrix right

Reply

vde_fml | 15

#782156 - Monday 18 January 2010 15:39

Think logically, can a cockroach survive the stomach acid?
If yes then it's came trough your body.

Reply

KASHMIR_fml | 0

#848086 - Friday 12 February 2010 13:00

actually fellas cockroaches can live through a lot.

Reply

austinkarimi | 0

#901049 - Sunday 28 February 2010 18:32

not really. everyone always says that because they can survive nuclear fallout. they can't survive my shoe though.

Reply

depotst | 0

#976873 - Friday 9 April 2010 16:36

Actually, he was right. I always think it's weird when people write comments like that.. I'm not sure if it's people being lazy, reading comprehension fail or what.

Reply

FreshlyCut | 0

#3466505 - Friday 21 October 2011 15:49

Have you had any Chinese food lately?

Reply

riax | 9

#4541298 - Friday 8 June 2012 19:40

no shit, the cockroach would've been dead even before it reached her stomach, she would hv chewed it to death! There is another possibility, it may have fallen into the toilet from her panties :/

Reply

JadeOmega | 23

#6560812 - Wednesday 16 March 2016 23:52

before

By TripleJumpMan | 0

#778461 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:08

what the hell

By velvel | 7

#778463 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:09

poor cockroach!

Reply

quicheme45 | 0

#2219464 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 0:35

I love ur pic!!!

By Icy_fml | 0

#778465 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

surpried it didnt eat the poo.

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779452 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:01

Maybe thats what it was doing.

By tinetine_fml | 0

#778466 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:11

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By ihatemylifemore | 0

#778473 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:12

LOL XD

By DillyLyn | 0

#778476 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:13

you shat a roach?

Reply

ZleveL | 0

#1359338 - Monday 6 September 2010 9:20

sgt. gary roach Sanderson?

By Seventytimeseven | 0

#778480 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:15

Probably after or your stomach acids would have killed/injured it wayy before the day after. Plus if you ate it you need also to consider the way you eat and how you managed to not chew it. Your house may be questionable otherwise.

This is disturbing and hillarious, not sure which more so

Reply

Ascaryrobot | 0

#778900 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:39

So roaches can survive massive radiation but not a little acid?

Reply

Vitamin_C | 0

#778927 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:57

Radiation =/= being dunked and churned in acid for close to an hour. And it certainly isn't "a little"...

Reply

DeadMansCrack | 4

#779030 - Sunday 17 January 2010 4:19

Yeah, without all of the mucous surrounding the stomach, the acids would eat away at your body from the inside.

By maryoceanblue | 0

#778487 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:21

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

By maskedman | 9

#778488 - Saturday 16 January 2010 23:23

This happens to me alot. I want it to stop but I love Chipotle too much.

Reply

Love_Bug | 0

#778707 - Sunday 17 January 2010 1:20

you crap roaches too?? O_o

Reply

JustCyanide | 0

#778894 - Sunday 17 January 2010 2:37

LOL

Reply

Mustardnight | 3

#779457 - Sunday 17 January 2010 11:03

ROFLMAO south park never fails. Ever.

Reply

lalagirl912 | 0

#1661682 - Sunday 7 November 2010 8:12

I love Kenny from southpark :) <3

Reply

DuckfaceSoccerpu | 0

#2616450 - Saturday 4 June 2011 5:43

it was cartman.. not Kenny.