Miscellaneous: Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke... - FML

By Strainer - 23/05/2015 04:38 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I strained so hard trying to take a crap that I broke a blood vessel in my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 551

You deserved it 5 989

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Same thing different taste

High tension

By Discipl - 28/10/2014 03:00 - Canada - Waterloo

Today, I strained so hard while on the toilet that I gave myself a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 103

You deserved it 5 951

Too stupid

By Anonymous - 15/02/2020 01:00

Today, I was picking my nose so aggressively that I flicked a booger right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 2 262

How? Why?

By WetMorning - 05/11/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, my day started with me peeing in my own face. My eye still burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 628

By Anonymous - 04/05/2011 18:05 - United States

Today, after an extremely hard day at work, I took a hot shower to wind down a little bit. I accidentally splashed a painful amount of hot water and shampoo in my eyes. My left contact is now stuck to my eyeball. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 187

You deserved it 8 951

Blow it

By Anonymous - 22/10/2021 01:59

Today, I reached to pick out a booger stuck in my nose that had been irritating me, and ended up poking myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 711

Leave it to the pros

By Anonymous - 05/11/2021 00:01 - United States - Epsom

Today, I was attempting to tame my bushy eyebrows, since I'm starting a new job in a few days and need to look somewhat presentable, when I poked myself in the eye. Hard. I thought I’d blinded myself for a few moments. Now it’s just red, sore and watery. FML

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You deserved it 200

Headshot

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 14:01

Today, I was putting on my sweatpants and accidentally stepped on the elastic drawstring. I moved my foot. The string snapped upward with great speed and hit me in my open eye. My eyeball is not happy with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 101

By blanknameisblank - 09/06/2014 19:36 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 656

You deserved it 22 101

Like a true Marxist

By Anonymous - 29/12/2022 12:00 - Germany

Today, I’ve been feeling like I got something stuck in my eye for hours. Nope, just one of those tiny blood vessels swollen up to the point it chafes on my eyelid. The only way I’m not in pain is by looking exclusively toward the extreme left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 83

Precision flinging

By oh god why - 06/10/2019 00:01

Today, while I was changing my tampon, I somehow managed to fling period blood into my eye. I wish I was making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 246

Next

Top comments

Chrriis 20

Saturday 23 May 2015 23:58

How does one simply do that while taking a shit? What the ****.. Stop pushing so damn hard!

Welshite 39

Saturday 23 May 2015 23:58

Next time play Eye of the Tiger for extra motivation.

Comments

booze_n_bitches 37

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:11

You'll give yourself haemorrhoids, OP! As other comments said: more fibre with more water, and maybe some laxatives are in order.

Soverain 15

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:12

You might consider a change of diet if you need to force yourself that hard to poop....

lemonadestand 7

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:12

You should get that checked out.

igive 29

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:18

Fiber is your friend.

EarlFug 19

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:21

I'm no doctor but pretty sure you're not supposed to push too hard. Pushing until your eyes explode seems like a bit of a no-brainer. Think you might need some more fiber in your diet.

abNormal62 23

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:23

Welcome to the adult version of pinky and the brain

KatieKoala 19

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:35

Wow, it makes me think of that toad that shoots blood out of its eyes

Headcrab 29

Sunday 24 May 2015 0:49

Believe it or not I've heard about this first... In an episode of The X-files.

samlovesham1234 9

Sunday 24 May 2015 3:32

Yeah it was the one about the cockroaches. "War of the Coprophages" I believe it's called.

SMHsohard 22

Sunday 24 May 2015 1:09

Great way to stroke out. All your friends can call you Elvis.

muarif 19

Sunday 24 May 2015 1:09

Next time, try taking some fibre or laxatives if you have a constipation THAT bad..

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Today, my boyfriend came over. We'd planned on losing out virginities today. What we didn't plan on was having my 9-year-old brother and his friends making a video of "What teens do when no one is home." They taped the whole thing, including the five minutes it took us to get the condom on. FML

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You deserved it 931

Today, and every time I try to talk to my mother about being a lesbian, she just says in the most condescending way, "Oh no you're not sweetie, it’s just a phase." The "phase" has lasted 17 years, including marrying my wife and adopting twin sons, but sure, it’s “just a phase.” FML

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The Top

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You deserved it 51 029

Today, my boyfriend forgot our anniversary. But it's okay; I wasn't expecting anything after he forgot my birthday, Valentine's Day, and my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 242

You deserved it 28 597

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 295

You deserved it 66 686

Today, at work at a beauty salon, I was explaining to a mom and her daughter about how we were going to style their hair, and the processes involved. I tripped over my words, saying, "We’ll start with a wash and a blowjob." Pretty sure from the way they stomped out I might not have a job tomorrow. FML

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Today, I finally figured out who my girlfriend reminds me of when she wears her glasses: the character Newman from Seinfeld. I can't unsee it. FML

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Today, I discovered that when my doctor said my new medication "may cause sensitivity to sunlight" what he meant was "sit in total darkness during the day or your skin will feel like its burning off." FML

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You deserved it 568