Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating... - FML

By JulieKid - 4/5/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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Big baby man

Caught red-handed

Great boyfriend

By Heartbroken - 8/8/2018 07:00 - United States

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

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By RJB - 29/7/2011 02:48 - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I got so bored I made a "to do" list for the week. FML

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By WhyMe - 9/4/2017 22:00

Today, at work, a customer was staring at me for a long time. Hoping to break the awkwardness, I asked him what brought him to the store today. He complimented me on my friendly demeanor and then followed up with: "Since you're so friendly, how about coming in the bathroom with me and giving me a hand?" FML

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By trigfail - 25/9/2010 08:57 - New Zealand

Today, I failed my trigonometry exam because my scientific calculator was on the wrong setting. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2017 06:00

Today, I found out that, while not exactly probable, it is definitely possible to squirt yourself in the eye with breast milk. It burns. FML

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By mattlikesfunions - 18/7/2016 18:56 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I told my parents that I was going on a diet to lose weight and I wanted their support. They brought home donuts and pizza for dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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By Elevated fear - 24/12/2017 19:00

Today, I finally sought help for my crippling fear of elevators. When I arrived at my new therapist's office, I found the door to the stairs locked. To get to my appointment on the third floor of the building, I have to take the elevator. FML

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By maebyf - 31/8/2010 14:48 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of three years proposed to me. He brought me to our favorite restaurant and ordered expensive champagne. It was all very romantic, until he got on one knee and I farted out of surprise. Loudly. FML

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By and god shat - 11/7/2014 23:38 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML

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By painfetish8021 - 17/9/2012 00:50 - United States - Winston Salem

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his parents. My boyfriend is Japanese, and I wanted to introduce myself in Japanese so I'd asked him. Little did I know he'd taught me how to say, "Hello, I love your son's cock." I almost got kicked out of their house. FML

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By Crys - 29/12/2018 12:00 - Canada - Kingston

Today, I decided to finish up some Christmas shopping. Instead, I ended up having to buy a present for myself - a new alternator after my car died and left me stranded. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2010 07:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

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By Shuttie - 18/1/2013 12:55 - Denmark - Odense

Today, I was walking towards a party where I knew my cheating ex would be. I passionately rehearsed how I would have a go at him big time when I met him. Guess who was walking right behind me and heard it all. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By big mouth - 26/9/2012 11:40 - New Zealand - Northland

Today, at work, I saw a van in our car park with "Hurlz Wagon" painted on its side. Laughing, I told the customer who owned it that I loved the name, and I asked was there a funny vomit story behind it. She didn't laugh, and told me it was her family name. FML

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By Twitchy - 14/9/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By bbbblt - 15/8/2010 11:39 - Australia

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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By I'm Not Dead Yet - 9/6/2014 19:37 - United States - Tucson

Today, I put my headphones on and laid down to relax to some music. I fell asleep, and woke up later to a police officer busting into my house. My neighbor had been knocking on my door, then looked through my window and saw me on my couch, and was convinced I'd died. FML

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By theamericandream - 25/1/2009 13:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me to set up his new Mac and transfer all the pictures from his old notebook. Seems like he forgot that when he went on vacation 2 months ago he took pictures of him getting it on with another guy. We've been together for 3 years and just moved in together. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2011 16:33 - Canada

Today, my friends happily announced that although they had been cut, they were still going to be playing on the school's volleyball team. The rumor going around is that everyone who tried out made the team. I never got a call back. FML

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By heyhijello - 9/9/2013 22:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, at my boyfriend's brother's house, I desperately needed to poop. After finishing my business, I realized the toilet wouldn't flush. I had to pull my poop out, wrap it in TP and make an excuse to go outside to throw it in a bush. The neighbor was watching. FML

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By Ms. Piggy - 2/3/2014 19:09 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

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By Lance - 28/1/2010 20:25 - United States

Today, my headphones were broken, so I fixed them with super glue. Without thinking, I stuck them in my ear and listened to some music. When it came time to take them out, I couldn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2013 17:41 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I spent all of last night preparing, researching the company, and making sure everything was perfect. My interview was for 8am. I woke up at 10:30 to an alarm that had not gone off. FML

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By Bortenssen - 8/8/2019 10:05 - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By poorclubgoer - 14/11/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I decided to go to a club with my friends. I was flattered when an attractive guy started dancing with me. Later, I went to grab my money to pay for my dinner and realized while dancing, the very sneaky man pulled my forty dollars out of my pocket. FML

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By duncanisgey - 4/3/2011 22:57 - Canada

Today, I rushed my dog to the vet because he was foaming at the mouth. I returned home with a bill for $200 and a dog who apparently has a thing for marshmallows. FML

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By jobless - 30/4/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 11:43 - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 06:43 - United States - Woodinville

Today, my wife knows tattoos are a huge turnoff for me. She decided the best way to change my mind about them would be to get one. Across her neck. Of our dog's name. FML

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By stupid - 24/9/2009 01:18 - United States

Today, I had to hand write a 10 page essay for one of my classes. When I turned it in I got an automatic zero. It was written in blue. Not black. FML

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By tommy - 6/6/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

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By That Girl with the Amazon Parrot - 4/1/2014 07:21 - United States

Today, I was called by the counselor to discuss my "issues". She told me that other students had reported to her that they saw scars on my arms. I don't cut, I just have a hormonal and aggressive parrot who sees me as his personal tree. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 04:37 - United States - West Hartford

Today, I found out the unionized cleaning people that empty the garbage and clean the toilets make $19/hr and have more paid time off than I do with my college degree. FML

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By shanna - 23/5/2018 15:00

Unfair. Period.

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

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By Etyl - 18/11/2011 10:49 - Indonesia

Today, I struggled through a one hour traffic jam to get to the airport to pick up my dad who was just coming back from an overseas trip. I got there only to find that he had given me the wrong date, and I had to drive home. Best part? I have to do it all over again tomorrow. FML

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By jimmy - 19/8/2011 21:57 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with crabs. I lost my virginity to my wife, and have never had sex or any sexual contact with anyone but her in my life. FML

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By all arsed out - 6/3/2016 16:50 - United Kingdom - Spalding

Today, I suffered an uncontrollable sneezing attack. I have the runs. It wasn't exactly as bad as I'd have expected. Just a lot worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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Top comments

By chasing_adalia | 0

#168828 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:16

Okay, let me explain it. The OP started to slip on ice, and tried to prevent herself from falling by grabbing the car. Unfortunately, the hand that was grabbing the car had the car keys in that. This means that the OP, when making grabbing motions, effectively scratched her car with the keys, causing a "keyed car" effect.

OP fell and damaged her paint job.

And other hemispheres have winter at different times than others, so it's possible for the OP to be somewhere snowy.

By airandfingers | 0

#168738 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:02

*hands #2 a "get" to make his comment a sentence*

Comments

By alcohol89 | 0

#168729 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:00

FIRST

By frootloop25 | 0

#168736 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:01

Umm I must be a dumbass...but I really get don't this. Are you more upset that you were gonna slip or what?

By airandfingers | 0

#168738 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:02

*hands #2 a "get" to make his comment a sentence*

By frootloop25 | 0

#168753 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:04

^Wahaaa...I fixed it before I saw your post. Thanks, though. But still, this FML doesn't make sense to me. *sigh*

By Evildude | 0

#168764 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:06

I agree.........Fuck your life

By aquariusbeauty | 0

#168772 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:07

Wow, that ones gotta hurt.

By fmlfmlfml15 | 0

#168779 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:07

#1 get a life

and yea FYL

By frootloop25 | 0

#168800 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:10

AHHH whateverrr you all get what I'm saying. It's FINALS WEEK. Can you blame me??? BUT YEAH. I STILL ***DON'T**** GET THIS.

By alcohol89 | 0

#168801 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:10

#7 and # 8
I just successfully accomplished my goal in life, so now i can die happy. Thus, there is no need to get a life.

By FMLwin | 1

#168812 - Monday 4 May 2009 23:12

GG