Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try...

By anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

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Transportation

Age ain't nothing but a number

Honesty is the best policy

You snooze, you lose

By Deployed - 7/12/2019 14:00 - United States - San Diego

Great surprise

Today, I came home from an eight month deployment to find my wife four months into her pregnancy. She actually thinks that I believe it's mine. FML

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By fail - 16/2/2011 23:16 - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

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By thissinglelife - 6/9/2013 06:42 - United States - Alhambra

Today, I had my first date in almost four years. Twenty minutes into our dinner date, I excused myself to use the ladies room. When I came back, not only was he gone, but there was also a security guard waiting to walk me out. I still have no clue why he left or why I got kicked out. FML

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By go snope yourself - 26/1/2013 21:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was debating which hurts more: child-birth or a kick to the testicles. Some guy spouted the old urban legend that a nut-kick is 9000 "dels", and giving birth is 57, so I proved that no such measurement of pain exists. His comeback was to sucker-punch me to the floor. FML

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By "crawforda350" - 12/9/2017 16:00

Today, while stocking up in preparation for Hurricane Irma, an old lady hit me over the head with her walker. She wanted the loaf of bread I'd grabbed. FML

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By Jarool - 12/5/2014 19:41 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By ven980 - 1/6/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I had to blow up an air mattress using only my lungs. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I realized there was a hole in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2019 02:01

Thanks, but no thanks

Today, I got fired from the community service I was doing out of kindness. FML

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By jennag5 - 24/3/2012 06:45 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 18:00

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By i-should-probably-stick-to-swimming - 3/1/2010 16:28 - United States

Today, while on the treadmill, my iPod fell and shot out underneath my feet. I got off to get it, and when I tried to get back on, I slipped and fell on my face on the moving track. The whole gym watched me get beat up by a treadmill and clapped when I finally got back on. FML

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By DoYourWorst - 10/3/2017 06:00 - Canada

Dorsia? On a Friday night?

Today, marks yet another day when I've been threatened to be ruined with the words, "I know people in high places!" and had objects thrown at me at my workplace. I'm a hostess. FML

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By OrangeTree12 - 4/4/2009 06:05 - Canada

Today, a really cute guy sat across from me on the bus. He smiled at me, then tensed his muscles and lifted a heavy bag with one arm. Thinking he was trying to act "macho" to impress me, I rolled my eyes and threw him an annoyed/disgusted look. When he got off, I realized he only had one arm. FML

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By shootme - 13/11/2011 22:46 - Canada

Today, like every day, I used my phone while taking a dump. As I reached for some toilet paper to wipe myself, my sister pounded on the door for me to hurry up. I yelled "Fine," and without realizing it, wiped myself with my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 22:02

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I was on a small plane. A flight attendant told us that there was too much weight in the front of the plane and they needed 3 people to move to the back of the plane. I volunteer and walk to the back. She says, "Okay, we're going to need 1 more person." FML

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By mylifesuckssss - 9/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I received a 7 page text message during school from my mom yelling at me because I ate her cereal. FML

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By DetergentFrog6 - 7/4/2014 20:54 - United States - Rahway

Today, while playing basketball, my friend thanked me for passing the ball to him. I was too embarrassed to tell him that that was me shooting. FML

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By screwwyou - 28/9/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was talking and joking with my boyfriend. He said "Hey wanna hear a joke?" I said "Yes." He said, "Our relationship." and walked away. He seriously dumped me through a one-liner. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 20:35 - Philippines - Las Pi?as City

Today, at preschool, I got to meet the mother of my daughter's best friend. She complimented mine's grades, and noted her quirkiness. I complimented her's for being congenial and being well-rounded. Later, my daughter said they are no longer besties because her mom said I called her daughter fat. FML

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By Sick - 1/1/2020 01:00 - Netherlands - Ede

Nice bird

Today, a bird shit on my jacket whilst smoking, I cleaned it and went back outside, and got shit on again. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

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By PhD student - 10/2/2016 11:57 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I worked from home to actually be able to concentrate and make a presentation about my project. My boss then sends me a long email about how he wants us to work in the office, and how important it is for team building, giving me feelings of guilt for actually getting some work done. FML

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By IBleedArbor - 16/2/2009 22:59 - United States

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "no that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

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By nuns aren’t sexy - 7/5/2019 02:00

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

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By tay - 17/9/2013 15:44 - Canada - Erin

Today, it was my first day closing alone at a pet store when a lady came in wanting to return a bird she bought months ago. Once I informed her there were no returns on livestock, she let the bird free and ran out the door, leaving me to catch it and explain to my manager where it came from. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

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By Coryj1220 - 26/3/2014 03:53 - United States - Louisville

Today, while working at Dairy Queen, a customer asked me what was so special about our ice cream cakes, and how they're different from regular cakes. I chuckled, and told her it's because they're made from ice cream. She threw a fit, which resulted in me being written up and sent home early. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 22:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

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By anonymous - 3/4/2016 21:50 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I discovered that the vitamin I've been taking for hair growth actually works really well. Unfortunately, it only works on my leg hair. FML

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By captfml - 15/12/2010 22:32 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom in a rush to get ready. Without thinking, I put hand soap on my toothbrush. I didn't notice until it was already in my mouth. FML

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By N - 20/5/2016 20:22 - United States - Glenwood Springs

Today, I paid 60 dollars for my senior yearbook. They forgot to put me in it. FML

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By DidntCheckTheCalendar - 3/12/2009 22:29 - Kuwait

Today, I hired a professional makeup artist to apply my makeup for a wedding. After paying her $500 for the excellent job she does, and getting dressed, I grabbed the invitation to check out the address, and it said the wedding was on December 2. Today is December 3. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 08:51 - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

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By fmyactuallife - 3/5/2020 08:00

Sludge factory

Today, I'm on my second day of a week of antibiotics to treat a bad urine infection. Incidentally, the pills seem to be giving me extremely loud, frequent, gut-wrenchingly painful and smelly diarrhea. Only 5 more days to go. FML

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By indi1011 - 20/4/2009 12:21 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By BirdBrain - 14/12/2017 19:00

Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML

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By daisythebunny1988 - 21/3/2020 00:01

Cool

Today, I was sitting in my garage with a fan on my face because it was hot when a suicidal cricket decided to jump into the blades, causing his cricket guts to be sprayed onto my face. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By phlyingphuck - 19/7/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

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Top comments

By portablecupid | 3

#2300257 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:06

Is your name Robert Downey Jr or Zach Galifianakis by any chance?

By TehFMLKing | 0

#2300252 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:06

Someones trying to stop you getting on that plane Op. ;)

Comments

By picklezz123 | 5

#2300248 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:05

aw that's too bad

abbi96x | 0

#2300268 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:07

Fail.

MyNameIsBruce | 0

#2300615 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:55

Sounds like another horribly unoriginal comedy movie in the making!

MyDogTastesBad | 0

#2301052 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 2:52

Use the Andy Green Thrust SSC uber fast landspeed vehicle.

Dr_JuanDiaz | 0

#2301424 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:12

Avenged Sevenfold!

Muliar | 0

#2301621 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:50

hax

RavenRiley007 | 4

#2301970 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 6:21

that's fate mate! or...

picklezz123 | 5

#2302061 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 6:54

whaaaat?

zoraman5 | 3

#2302237 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:51

Why Avenged o.o?

fml_psl | 0

#2302295 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 8:11

Thats really vry bad

gamercanadian | 11

#2303185 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 9:37

it's called a bad day, we all have it

gutzzzz | 0

#2303492 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 11:29

should have just flown to the other airport to catch your flight, that's what I, a lazy person, would do. :)

khaya | 9

#2304973 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 19:17

Is the OP Rambo.

GigglePony | 13

#2305875 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 23:35

As bad as that sucks...YDI for living in New Jersey.

By TehFMLKing | 0

#2300252 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:06

Someones trying to stop you getting on that plane Op. ;)

chester75 | 5

#2300511 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:36

hahaha I was thinking the same thing

broccoli2 | 0

#2300972 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 2:26

ooooo eagle eye

docscientist | 9

#2301020 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 2:43

But allowing everyone else to get on the plane.

iBanana | 17

#2301158 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:18

Maybe it's a plane that's going to blow up.

dirtyblond | 4

#2301438 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:14

It's a SIGN!!!! Oh for Pete's Sake this is a freaken SIGN!!!! :O

OceanBreathesSal | 5

#2301479 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:21

final destination!

eezypeezylifeisb | 0

#2301645 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:54

docscientist? docbastard did you become a scientist? hmmm I think someone is attempting identity fraud... and starting slow and subtly

KingDingALing | 9

#2301684 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 5:01

70- That's what I was thinking. That's like making a KingLingADing or something of that sort.

eezypeezylifeisb | 0

#2301747 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 5:15

I am glad I am not the only one who has noticed this take-over attempt

DocBastard | 38

#2302031 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 6:38

Nah, docscientist has been around for a while. He's a scientist. I'm a...um...

Hey look, a plane!

KongDongALong | 0

#2302106 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:10

Who would do such a thing, 70 and 71?

dirtyblond | 4

#2302158 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:28

LOLOLOL!^^ i bet you did that account recently, to say something like that. Good one, good one (X

sarapsosis | 1

#2303218 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 9:45

85- lmao wow talk about perfect timing, they were just debating your existence

eezypeezylifeisb | 0

#2303849 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 13:29

Bastard, Scientist... Ding, Dong... ahh Tomato, Tomahto who really cares who's who in this whoville

By portablecupid | 3

#2300257 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:06

Is your name Robert Downey Jr or Zach Galifianakis by any chance?

picklezz123 | 5

#2300307 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:12

lol it's Ethan tremblay

nutsackmuscle | 0

#2300376 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:19

^win

flirty19 | 0

#2301329 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 3:55

epic win!

Niicky_fml | 20

#2301629 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 4:52

ha!

Pokeemon | 3

#2302245 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:53

I don't get it

Pokeemon | 3

#2302249 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 7:55

aww I'm retarded :( I'm so slow

robotiick | 12

#2305138 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 20:08

I belive also Osama lol

Neorecon19 | 18

#2315744 - Friday 8 April 2011 21:02

I blame Third Echelon.

By TapialPaado | 1

#2300343 - Wednesday 6 April 2011 0:15

...Police escort? What?

MrsPegg | 45

#6301942 - Tuesday 26 May 2015 13:47

When you're in a hurry and need to get somewhere fast, you can request a police escort to lead the way so traffic moves over and you arrive safely (and without tickets).