Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month.... - FML

By Anne - 14/2/2012 20:50 - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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Valentine's slay

Family values

Does it taste good?

Live dumping

By leonieNL - 12/8/2010 14:50 - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By ugly - 25/7/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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By scarred - 27/7/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML

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By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2013 00:13 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By Animal - 24/2/2011 19:14 - Canada

One day…

Today, my mom was snooping around my room, and found the unopened box of glow in the dark condoms I bought myself year ago. She laughed and said, "No takers yet, eh?" FML

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By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By FMeeee - 16/6/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, my wife posted on Facebook, "FUCK THA POLICE!" She got 40 likes. I'm a police officer. FML

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By Smitty Werbenjeagermanjensen - 27/10/2016 03:19 - United States - Amarillo

Today, I had a conversation with the cute girl I like at work for the first time. I told her I worked in the camping department of the store, and we had a long chat about how she heard that the guy who runs that department is a complete dick head. I am the guy who runs that department. FML

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By RunningMurphy - 15/5/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By boardwalk the fuck out of my resturaunt - 17/6/2019 00:01 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I received a tip in Monopoly money. FML

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By assoutofuandme - 14/2/2013 07:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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By Phil - 28/5/2012 21:17 - Canada

Today, I came to the realisation that the longest relationship I've had by far is the one I have with my hemorrhoids. FML

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By Manstobe92 - 16/11/2009 07:32 - United States

Today, I went to pick my date up at her house. When I got to the door, her dad answered. We talked for a little bit and he told me to take his 1958 Corvette. I politely refused and he told me, "If I can trust you with my daughter, I can trust you with my car." I crashed into his mailbox. FML

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By void bowels() { cry(); } - 26/11/2014 20:45 - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, I came home late from work. As I got out of my car, I noticed a child-shaped silhouette in my bedroom window. I almost shat myself, since I live alone. I searched the whole house, sobbing in fear, only to find no trace of whatever or whoever I'd seen. FML

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By Lindso1 - 6/7/2018 01:30

Today, I came home to find my home had been broken into. Nothing was taken, but all the drains were plugged and the water left blasting on high, with a note that said “enjoy the mess”. FML

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By fatti11 - 14/1/2017 18:00

Today, during an argument that he couldn't win, my boyfriend farted in a glass, covered it with his hand, ran to me, and let it go it right in front of my nose. FML

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By LOTRfail - 27/7/2012 02:13 - United States - Malden

Today, my husband and I were watching Lord of the Rings. My husband told me he sees the eye of Sauron every time he goes down on me. FML

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By ROLLY - 3/3/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stole a guy's cookie. As revenge, he stole my iPod. FML

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By tubedout - 23/7/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

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By Sean - 10/6/2013 02:27 - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 23:44 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

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By snidpea - 31/1/2010 17:07 - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 05:07 - Australia - Brighton

Today, I had the cops called on me for acting suspiciously. I was using a payphone. FML

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By noooooo - 22/1/2010 07:32 - Canada

Today, I ran 5 miles to catch the bus I take to university after missing my connection. When I got to the bus stop, I realized I had left my U-Pass on my desk at home. On top of the assignment that was due. FML

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By ks0300 - 24/2/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

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By mhm - 6/5/2012 02:21 - Canada - Woodbridge

Today, on the bus, I caught the eye of this ugly, sweaty girl giving me a death stare through the driver's mirror. I gave her a death stare back. Only then I realized I was staring at myself. FML

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By soaked - 31/8/2009 13:05 - United States

Today, I stood for half an hour in the rain waiting for my bus. As I started to go inside, my bus turned around the corner and splashed water all over me. The bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus because I was soaking wet and I would "mess up the seats". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2012 01:06 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I saw my girlfriend walking hand-in-hand down the street with another man. When I confronted her, she claimed she had no idea who I was, and the guy told me to beat it. Later on, she returned to our apartment and actually tried to act as if nothing had happened. FML

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By anonymous - 16/11/2010 22:43 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me to Google how to last longer in bed. FML

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By facebookdeception - 31/10/2014 04:25 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out that the girl on Facebook that helped me out of my sadness after my break-up and who I'd hopelessly fallen in love with was just a prank by my ex-girlfriend. FML

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By k8thagr8 - 1/3/2015 02:47 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, I slipped on some ice and wrecked my back. When my husband and I went to go to bed, he begged me to take one of the pain pills left over from his recent surgery. Not so I could feel better and get some rest, but so he could have sex. FML

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By littlemiss - 10/2/2013 16:17 - Canada - Whitby

Today, my little sister chased me around the house with a mallet, giggling like a maniac. I ended up having to pin her to the ground, rip the mallet out of her hand and lock her in the bathroom. This isn't the first time. My mom still insists it's perfectly normal. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 01:29 - United States - Petaluma

Today, I'm a 34 year old male who just got given the sex talk on my Facebook timeline by my senile mother. 5ML

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By bbbeast - 28/7/2009 02:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad asked me if i started smoking, I gave him a big speech about how I never have and never will. Two hours later he finds my stash of cigarettes under my bed. FML

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By weezel - 31/8/2010 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By sore - 19/4/2011 10:03 - Ireland

Today, my friend and I were bouncing around on a trampoline. We brought my dog up to bounce him around. We found it hilarious. He didn't. He attacked us. FML

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By beckbr - 2/2/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I asked a little old lady in line at my work why she wasn't out enjoying the beautiful day with all her friends. Her response, "I'd love to, but they're all dead." FML

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Top comments

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

By StudleytheDragon | 0

#1806034 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:29

I hate how no matter how shitty the thing is there's always some jackasses that say you deserved it, how the fuck is this the persons fault?! and I'm sorry for your loss

Comments

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

Reply

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#970886 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 5:10

people are idiots. they do that even though the OP doesnt deserve it. i mean look at the people whos best achievement in life is yelling "first!" to being the first comment.

its a sad world we live in.

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#5991495 - Sunday 29 June 2014 0:12

#4 people who want to get medals for saying YDI its 100 for the judgemental medal. people say YDI on random FML without reading them

Reply

FaguIous | 22

#6228347 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 1:45

I vote both on every FML I read. I have a sad life.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6343003 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 6:59

... I cringed at #1

By Amkii | 0

#2229 - Sunday 15 February 2009 0:02

=( Aww, I'm sorry.

By primogen18 | 0

#74964 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:47

Sorry to hear that, my friend's parents didn't tell him his dog died til he went home a couple months later, and now I'm moved out and states away from my parents I always worry about my dog as I miss him.

By jewbilee1 | 0

#262213 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:10

That sucks but shouldn't you know when your dog hasn't been around or your parents even talk about it.

By V461N4 | 0

#896125 - Saturday 27 February 2010 4:09

That's rough man. It sucks to lose a pet, and especially to find out like that.

By georgiinaa | 0

#899871 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:44

LMAO

By greendaygirl112 | 0

#981698 - Monday 19 April 2010 5:56

we cremated my dog fuck your life and ur dogs life btw both of ur parents a ducked up

By bummervacation | 10

#1218184 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 17:47

WIN!!!
finally!
a first post that provides humour and isn't FIRSTTTTT111!!!!!!111!!!11!!!!!!!!11!!!*creams pants*11!!!!!!!!1!!!111!!!!!!

i think i can safely say i love you now

By Big_Boner | 3

#1365779 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:22

Oh man, I LOL'd so hard.

By ake072007 | 2

#1559879 - Sunday 17 October 2010 7:57

I am soooo sorry. I would hate to find out