Valentine's slay, Caring and Animals: Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month.... - FML

By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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Valentine's slay

Out of it

Last dates

True hero

By Noname - United States

Today, I found an ad for my job at my company on an online job board. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my husband decided it would be funny to shout "Woohoo!" in Michael Jackson's voice while having an orgasm. FML

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By Mogg - Australia

Move!

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By Tonya - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

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By BadIdea - France

Sucker

Today, I decided to shave my balls. When I was finished, I vacuumed up the mess on the carpet, and then the fragments of hair still on my balls. Very bad idea. FML

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By ithappenswhenithappens - United States - Gresham

Today, I've been in my old hometown visiting because my sister is having her baby. I scheduled the trip a full week after her due date, and still no baby. We tried everything to start her labor. I had to go back home, and as soon as my plane landed, I got a text saying she just gave birth. FML

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By - 14/6/2020 02:02

Risky business

Today, I went to get insurance and I have a non-fault third party claim and yet my insurance has gone up. I wasn't even in the car when someone hit it. Why have I got penalised? They claim I'm now "statistically more likely to get in an accident." My car was parked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mexico

Today, my boyfriend and I compared our No Shave November body hair. This is how I found out that my legs are hairier than his. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2020 20:00

Creepy

Today, one week after moving into my new apartment in a new city to get away from my stalker ex, I met my new neighbour. Yep, stalker ex. FML

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By Username

Today, I updated my facebook status as "lost all contacts, need numbers". My mom commented saying "her phone didn't get reset, she just doesn't have any friends". Her comment got 32 likes. FML

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By RAS266

Today, a water snake slithered into our pool. He can have it. FML

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By DemonicDummy

Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML

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By sayno - Switzerland

Today, I went to a coffee shop to meet an online date. I couldn't spot him, so he eventually came up and introduced himself. It seems his on-line picture must have been taken before I was born. I spluttered "This isn't going to work," and promptly scuttled out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

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By Awahso - United States - Buford

Today, I had to buy a new boxcutter for work after our old one broke. It came in a box, the type which policy requires a boxcutter to open. FML

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By suuuucks - United States

Today, I got my new work schedule. I really need the hours. The boss says he can't give me more because the economy is bad. However, he did find enough hours to hire his son last week. This week? Most of my hours were erased and given to the new employee; his daughter. FML

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By Cleo - Brunei Darussalam

Today, I found out that my colleagues don't add me on Facebook so that they can publicly put me down in their statuses, without me knowing. My boss liked the one which said that I talk too much. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

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By Kitty Lover - United States - Houston

Today, a few weeks after moving in with my boyfriend, I borrowed his phone to Google something because mine was dead. His most recent searches? "How kill cat", "Kill cat laws", "Cat + poison". I thought he was ok with my cat when I moved in. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Southwold

Today, my parents heard from my sister that I'd recently lost my virginity to my girlfriend. I've never been bitched out so viciously in my life, and yet my sister, whom everyone knows has had numerous casual sexual partners this year, is treated like a princess 24/7. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd never made a girl orgasm. I didn't think much of it until he decided to go down on me. Every time he got me close to orgasm, he'd stop and ask, "Are you about to come?" or "Does that feel good?" Now I can see why he's never made a girl orgasm. FML

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By Desiree_lianne - United States

Today, my fiance said his cat is going to be my maid of honor at our wedding. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked into my house with a couple of friends and I saw my girlfriend doing laundry. I jokingly asked her if she had time to do a load of mine as well. She scoffed and said, "Yeah babe, I'll gladly do your laundry... The same day you learn to wipe properly." FML

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By idonteven - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olympia

Today, I got laid off. Why would they lay me off right before the holidays? Because they want to make sure every one else gets a nice holiday bonus. FML

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By

New deal

Today, my girlfriend's dad offered me $100 to break up with his daughter. I eagerly replied "No", but my girlfriend grabbed the money and said, "Deal." FML

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By Anonymous

Hairline fracture

Today, I ended things with the love of my life. I kept my composure the entire conversation, and was even fine when I got home. It wasn't until I was showering at night and found one of his hairs in my butt crack that I lost it. FML

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By Stingraybeemonster - Thailand

Today, I was snorkeling when a stingray suddenly appeared when I thought I was just looking at sand. It startled me, so my heel made contact with a sea urchin so that then startled me, and my other foot hit another one. FML

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By MikeA

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

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By Aries_gurl - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my sister asked to use my blow dryer, so I gave her the keys to my apartment. When I came home from work, half my clothes were missing. FML

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By noname - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

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By garfwebba - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

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By hopeless - United States

Today, I was talking to my dad and told him that I want to be a hotel maid, hoping that he would tell me "You can do better, you're smart, etc." Instead he said, "I'm glad you finally have a goal that you can actually achieve." FML

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By RetailRage - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

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By dontworrybehappy - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

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By Sam - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my mom and I took my senile grandmother to the mall, since she doesn't get out much. She complained it was hot, then took her clothing off in the middle of the food court. It took us thirty minutes to make her put her shirt back on. FML

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Top comments

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

By StudleytheDragon | 0

#1806034 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:29

I hate how no matter how shitty the thing is there's always some jackasses that say you deserved it, how the fuck is this the persons fault?! and I'm sorry for your loss

COMMENTS

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

Reply

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#970886 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 5:10

people are idiots. they do that even though the OP doesnt deserve it. i mean look at the people whos best achievement in life is yelling "first!" to being the first comment.

its a sad world we live in.

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#5991495 - Sunday 29 June 2014 0:12

#4 people who want to get medals for saying YDI its 100 for the judgemental medal. people say YDI on random FML without reading them

Reply

FaguIous | 22

#6228347 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 1:45

I vote both on every FML I read. I have a sad life.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6343003 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 6:59

... I cringed at #1

By Amkii | 0

#2229 - Sunday 15 February 2009 0:02

=( Aww, I'm sorry.

By primogen18 | 0

#74964 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:47

Sorry to hear that, my friend's parents didn't tell him his dog died til he went home a couple months later, and now I'm moved out and states away from my parents I always worry about my dog as I miss him.

By jewbilee1 | 0

#262213 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:10

That sucks but shouldn't you know when your dog hasn't been around or your parents even talk about it.

By V461N4 | 0

#896125 - Saturday 27 February 2010 4:09

That's rough man. It sucks to lose a pet, and especially to find out like that.

By georgiinaa | 0

#899871 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:44

LMAO

By greendaygirl112 | 0

#981698 - Monday 19 April 2010 5:56

we cremated my dog fuck your life and ur dogs life btw both of ur parents a ducked up

By bummervacation | 10

#1218184 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 17:47

WIN!!!
finally!
a first post that provides humour and isn't FIRSTTTTT111!!!!!!111!!!11!!!!!!!!11!!!*creams pants*11!!!!!!!!1!!!111!!!!!!

i think i can safely say i love you now

By Big_Boner | 3

#1365779 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:22

Oh man, I LOL'd so hard.

By ake072007 | 2

#1559879 - Sunday 17 October 2010 7:57

I am soooo sorry. I would hate to find out