Valentine's slay, Caring and Animals: Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month.... - FML

By Anne - United States

Today, I returned home from college for the first time in a month. I went to my bedroom and found a nice gift bag on my dresser. Thinking it was a Valentine's gift, I opened it. My dog's ashes were in a tin inside. This is how I found out my dog died since I was away. FML

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Valentine's slay

There's no helping some people

Ungrateful

Freshman blues

By Drafty - United States - Sylmar

Today, a stray dog came up to my living room window. My pitbull went into attack mode and tried to jump through said window, while it was closed. Now I have to pay to replace the window, and pay to get stitches for my idiot dog. FML

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By the forgotten one - United States

Today, my grandfather sent everyone in my family an email thanking them for the photo we got him. I'd bought the frame, edited the picture, and delivered it to him. All everyone else did was show up and complain while the picture was being taken. I'm the only one who didn't get a thank you email. FML

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By username - United Kingdom - Leatherhead

Today, my girlfriend suggested we start using a safe word during sex - not because we're into BDSM or anything like that, it's just in case she gets bored and wants me to stop. FML

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By NightHawk4926 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man. I gave him my sandwich, since he needed it more than me. Seconds later, he was attacked by a flock of birds. FML

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By loving wife - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had to convince my husband that I'm not having an affair all because I refused to have sex with him. Apparently the fact that I gave birth to our twins 10 days ago isn't a good enough reason to turn him down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hicksville

Today, my girlfriend sent me a bunch of sexy pics and said to come over to her place. I thought she was in the mood for sex. Nope, she just wanted me to come over and hang a shelf, after which she sent me back home. FML

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By myfamilyisodd - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By matish

Today, despite having long hair and wearing makeup and a dress, I was still mistaken for a man several times. I'm a girl and I was born a girl. FML

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By aces10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By hitintheeye - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By lee - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over breakfast. In the afternoon I got to smile at him prettily for hours because he was the photographer in a session neither of us could get out of. FML

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By fecal romance - United States - Phoenix

Today, I swallowed and nearly choked to death on the ring my boyfriend hid in my wine glass. It's still in me somewhere, and my doctor basically told me that I'll have to "keep an eye on things" if I want to find it. FML

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By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at the doctor's getting some skin scraped off the bottom of my foot for some tests. As soon as the doctor grabbed my foot, it tickled and I accidentally kicked him in the face. During this, the blade sliced my foot open. FML

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By piliseep

Booze confused

Today, I realized that I accidentally said my phone number wrong when I was giving it to a really smart, cute guy with all the same interests as me that I met at a bar last night. I'd had a few drinks and had gotten the middle three digits mixed up. FML

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By Simon - France

Today, as a prank I shook my girlfriend's can of soda. I hadn't noticed that it was already open. FML

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By peacechick25 - United States

Today, as a finisher to a date with my girlfriend we decided to park behind the school and mess around. As we were pulling into a dark shaded spot, she drove straight into a snow bank. We spent the rest of our time together trying to dig the car out. FML

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By ZeroLuck - United States - Miami

Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML

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By thebrokentardis - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I got hit by a car while riding my bike to work. In the hospital, every single nurse lectured me about how I wouldn't be here if I wore a helmet, which I'm sure would be really helpful to my broken leg. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I overheard my parents in the kitchen talking about how they wanted to try anal tonight. There is over three and a half feet of snow outside, leaving me no way to escape the horrible sounds and mental images yet to come. FML

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By everythingWASperfect - Canada

Today, at work, I accidentally walked into a meeting at which the whole company was there but me. The meeting was about how they could legally fire me while paying as little severance as possible. I'm the CEO and the founder of the company. FML

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By teach - Canada

Today, at the elementary school where I teach, the kids all voted for their favorite teacher. I was the only one to receive zero votes. When I asked a small group of students why no one voted for me, one boy replied "because you're the ugliest". FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By miss tomato - United States

Today, I was really badly sunburnt, so I put on some after-sun. The only type we have has glitter in it, and now I look like a sparkling tomato. FML

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By duhitskelly94 - United States

Today, I drove 150 miles to see one of my favorite singers in concert. Before I got out of the car I checked to make sure I had the tickets. Did I have the tickets? Yes. Were they for today's concert? Nope. FML

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By Anonymous

Phoney sex

Today, after having some great, intimate phone sex with my boyfriend, he immediately said, "Well, gotta go," and hung up. Thanks for making me feel like some sort of phone-hooker, dude. FML

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By B-Rad - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I share a birthday with a fictional character who is "untrustworthy" and has a "dark side", so therefore I can't be trusted either. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By RENThead - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was walking down a path in the woods behind my house when I saw a squirrel. It ran away, but little did I know it wasn't running from me, it was running from the dog that had forced Animal Control to sweep the area. I ended up with stitches in my leg. FML

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By Anon. - United States

Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML

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By kiriakousauce21 - France

Today, I woke up thinking after wearing glasses and contacts all my life that I had miraculously been corrected to 20/20. Turns out I had just fallen asleep with my contacts in. FML

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By marriedtoaretard - United States

Today, I came home from out of state. I found out someone online had told my husband that the "fumes" from hot showers can be lethal. As a precaution, he removed the draft-blocking bathroom door to make sure it's "properly ventilated." FML

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By youwouldbeacat - United States

Today, I was making a nacho and grabbed some refried beans that were in a plastic container out of the fridge and put them on top of the chips. After I’m completely done eating my mom looks in the fridge and asked me if I knew where the cat food was. I just ate a small can of cat food. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was making my bed, which would normally be a simple task, until I leaned into the wooden foot of my bed, and put my entire body weight on my left nut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend learned that calling someone a "stupid bitch" under your breath while staring right at them from six feet away works very differently in my house than at hers. She also learned my sister has one hell of a punch. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, despite my pleading, my boyfriend mounted a set of bullhorns above our headboard. Guess what came crashing down on our heads at 2am. FML

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By Mustache - 3/11/2020 14:02 - Austria

Bushy

Today, I was on my way to meet my partner's parents for the first time. Although I was in a rush, I managed to hop into the shower and shave. I now have a cut on my upper lip. I'm a woman. FML

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By pist

Today, I was lying in a lawn chair next to my wooden fence when a yellow liquid started spraying me. The neighbor's douchebag son was peeing through the small hole in the fence and soaked me. FML

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Top comments

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

By StudleytheDragon | 0

#1806034 - Tuesday 7 December 2010 4:29

I hate how no matter how shitty the thing is there's always some jackasses that say you deserved it, how the fuck is this the persons fault?! and I'm sorry for your loss

COMMENTS

By that_one_guy | 0

#2228 - Saturday 14 February 2009 23:59

That suuuucccccckkkkssss
I'm sorry to hear about that.

Just one question, who the fuck could possibly think that you deserve it?

Reply

Alicia_Raven7 | 0

#970886 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 5:10

people are idiots. they do that even though the OP doesnt deserve it. i mean look at the people whos best achievement in life is yelling "first!" to being the first comment.

its a sad world we live in.

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#5991495 - Sunday 29 June 2014 0:12

#4 people who want to get medals for saying YDI its 100 for the judgemental medal. people say YDI on random FML without reading them

Reply

FaguIous | 22

#6228347 - Wednesday 11 March 2015 1:45

I vote both on every FML I read. I have a sad life.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6343003 - Tuesday 7 July 2015 6:59

... I cringed at #1

By Amkii | 0

#2229 - Sunday 15 February 2009 0:02

=( Aww, I'm sorry.

By primogen18 | 0

#74964 - Wednesday 1 April 2009 18:47

Sorry to hear that, my friend's parents didn't tell him his dog died til he went home a couple months later, and now I'm moved out and states away from my parents I always worry about my dog as I miss him.

By jewbilee1 | 0

#262213 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 23:10

That sucks but shouldn't you know when your dog hasn't been around or your parents even talk about it.

By V461N4 | 0

#896125 - Saturday 27 February 2010 4:09

That's rough man. It sucks to lose a pet, and especially to find out like that.

By georgiinaa | 0

#899871 - Sunday 28 February 2010 8:44

LMAO

By greendaygirl112 | 0

#981698 - Monday 19 April 2010 5:56

we cremated my dog fuck your life and ur dogs life btw both of ur parents a ducked up

By bummervacation | 10

#1218184 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 17:47

WIN!!!
finally!
a first post that provides humour and isn't FIRSTTTTT111!!!!!!111!!!11!!!!!!!!11!!!*creams pants*11!!!!!!!!1!!!111!!!!!!

i think i can safely say i love you now

By Big_Boner | 3

#1365779 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 17:22

Oh man, I LOL'd so hard.

By ake072007 | 2

#1559879 - Sunday 17 October 2010 7:57

I am soooo sorry. I would hate to find out