Intimacy: Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't...

By SharkWeek - 27/10/2013 15:26 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I reminded my husband that I was on my period, so he wouldn't try to fool around with me. A few hours later, his goldfish-like memory kicked in and he stuck his hand down my pants while we were going to bed. I was wearing a maxi pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 605

You deserved it 5 766

Intimacy

Good kid

Save yourself

Single life

By Anonymous - 01/11/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I was laying in bed with the covers over me, when I got an itch on my leg. It felt really good to scratch it so I got really into it. At that very moment my mom walked in, saw me doing a back and forth motion under the covers, gave me a look of disgust, and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 836

You deserved it 5 847

Hangry

By JoanT - 20/10/2020 11:08

Today, while petting one of the goats we have, the other one was jealous so it ripped out a chunk of my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 901

You deserved it 176

By anabolic - 27/02/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, my boss said he was giving me a significant raise. After he requested the payroll department to raise my salary they informed him he needed to fill out a one-sheet form. He took my raise away because he didn't want to fill out that sheet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 614

You deserved it 2 727

Ace of Spades

By Simon Edhouse - 13/09/2021 09:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife has initiated sex less than five times in the 18 years we've been married. If I don't mention it, then she doesn't have to bother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 193

By Monroe - 23/06/2011 22:30 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my cousin when I realized my aunt didn't tell me where the diapers were. I searched the entire house, but I had no luck. Then my cousin ripped off the diaper she was wearing and peed on the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 279

You deserved it 4 231

By Anonymous - 14/02/2012 12:39 - Australia

Today, I walked into two things. The first was a spiderweb. The second, due to blind panic, was oncoming traffic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 872

You deserved it 5 812

By RYZILLAHitZ - 30/06/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, as I was walking home from work, my dad drove past, pulled over, rolled down the window and asked, "Are you tired of walking?" To which I replied "Yes!" Just as I reached for the car door, he yelled "RUN A WHILE" and sped off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 949

You deserved it 5 725

Quite the journey

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 20:58 - Australia - Surry Hills

Today, I begrudgingly helped relocate my 84-year-old mother-in-law to our home at my partner's adamant request. It took months of stressful preparation, around $10,000 in costs, and some 500 km travelled via medical transport. Ten minutes after arriving, she had a heart attack and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 678

You deserved it 142

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 849

You deserved it 9 001

By Amore - 09/12/2014 19:15 - France - Bois-colombes

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 954

You deserved it 4 241

What the fuck was that?

By Hatty - 14/03/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 674

You deserved it 23 611

By Anonymous - 08/04/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 726

You deserved it 6 259

By Anonymous - 11/04/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 192

You deserved it 3 254

By cbolig - 03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 317

You deserved it 31 706

By NeedaNosePlug - 26/01/2012 05:19 - United States

Today, I had to have a discussion with my 54-year-old mother about showering. She thinks it's perfectly OK to shower only once a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 242

You deserved it 3 198

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 15:47 - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 474

You deserved it 52 982

By Anonymous - 18/08/2019 22:00

Today, I needed to call my mom to get some info so I dialled the number on my work phone. Not 2 seconds after, my cellphone rang. I got super pissed off because I hate when people call me on my cell at work. It was me. I'd dialled my own number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 449

You deserved it 2 135

By 081013 - 02/03/2013 07:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, I came home to find my fiancé trying to do laundry. His version was "rubbing the smelly spots with baby powder". Looks like I'll be the only one doing laundry for the rest of our lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 347

You deserved it 4 480

By Ethan - 17/10/2009 11:13 - United States

Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 032

You deserved it 2 387

By ehcanadianeh - 13/12/2015 20:04 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 677

You deserved it 12 013

By sexysue - 07/11/2009 22:22 - United States

Today, it was me and my husband's anniversary. He was at work, so I decided to dress up "sexy". You know, the typical lacey thong and fishnets. I heard the door open, and what I thought was him was actually my brother who'd visited to wish me a happy anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 927

You deserved it 5 723

Masterchef

By Embarassed - 19/03/2014 22:24 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 667

You deserved it 3 606

By emih - 21/02/2010 08:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came to my workplace and presented me with a lock of his hair. His pubic hair that he'd just cut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 473

You deserved it 3 120

By myownperson - 25/10/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I ordered food at McDonald's. I'm on crutches, and a guy offered to carry my tray to the table. He rushed out with my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 411

You deserved it 3 591

By joeshmoe - 05/09/2009 07:07 - United States

Today, my 26th birthday party got busted by my parents due to them coming home early because of a flight cancellation. Everyone had to leave, but not before my mother made me go to my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 200

You deserved it 49 543

By WhyGod - 10/12/2016 15:21

Today, I got a diaper rash from a pad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 666

You deserved it 1 041

By Anonymous - 30/08/2013 16:14 - United States - Redmond

Today, I got home from work a little late due to bad traffic. My wife kissed me, then flew into a rage and swore that I had the taste of penis on my lips, accusing me of cheating on her with a guy. Apparently she got this insane "test your man" idea from some Cosmo-type magazine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 428

You deserved it 3 241

Baby fever

By Anonymous - 09/06/2021 14:02

Today, it's the fifth long-term boyfriend I’ve dumped because I want to be a mother but they didn’t want to be fathers. In fact, the last one laughed in my face and told me he’d be willing to get a cat, because cats require less effort than dogs, and don’t interrupt his PS4 time after work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 430

By Username - 19/02/2011 07:57 - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 342

You deserved it 6 883

By Anonymous - 30/09/2009 15:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 381

You deserved it 41 916

By DantesInfernalRage - 12/09/2017 13:00

Today, I had to resign from my job because I tested positive for drugs. I've never taken drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 849

You deserved it 235

By thanks.... - 03/01/2014 21:04 - United States

Today, I woke up to every window in my house packed with snow. It was so bad that I thought I'd been snowed-in, and I started freaking out. It took two hours and multiple phone calls before I found out that my neighbor had taken our prank war too seriously and staged the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 146

You deserved it 13 396

By catsofly7 - 30/01/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at 9:00am. I left at around 8:30am, and as soon as I got in the car to drive to the interview, I checked my phone again, and it said 10:33. My boyfriend had decided to change the time on my clock as a "joke." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 773

You deserved it 4 464

By blower - 11/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually remembered our anniversary. Not our anniversary of being together, which he forgot last month, but the anniversary of him getting his first blow job from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 755

You deserved it 9 273

By NeverDrinkingAgain - 09/12/2010 12:31 - Canada

Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 631

You deserved it 43 617

Poor good boy

By Anonymous - 27/09/2009 20:54 - United Kingdom

Today, my dog died. I spent ages digging him a grave and buried him in the garden so that my dad wouldn't have to deal with the stress when he got home from work. When my dad got home he told me that he had wanted the dog to be cremated. I have just had to dig up my dog's body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 142

You deserved it 5 171

By Jill - 15/06/2013 04:19 - United States - Santa Rosa

Today, I was going through my daughter's contacts, except all of them had names from Harry Potter. I found the name "Mom." I was relieved I didn't have some silly name, until I realized it wasn't my number; it was her father's new wife. My number was under "Voldemort." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 270

You deserved it 22 674

By Anonymous - 23/10/2011 21:16 - United States

Today, I had to break up a fistfight between my wife and mother. Apparently, my mom heard that I finally got the great paying job of my dreams, and told my wife I'd finally kick her "useless ass to the curb." We have to spend the holidays together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 3 551

By Cheese4men - 14/05/2010 23:28 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend saying, "I shall be the prince, and you shall be the princess," to his hamster. Once he saw me, he quickly turned to the hamster and said, "I have to go. The dragon is here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 542

You deserved it 8 750

By Cammi0 - 02/06/2015 17:58 - United States

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 856

You deserved it 6 604

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Top comments

happle 21

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:19

That's pretty nasty, but it seems like he would have learned his lesson.

Misshhh 23

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:21

Looks like he was caught.. Red handed... YEEEAAAAA xD

happle 21

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:19

That's pretty nasty, but it seems like he would have learned his lesson.

thisawkwardchick 15

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:35

I agree, EEEWWWWW.

184886837272837 32

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:53

When the river runs red, take the dirt road

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:59

Or maybe he decided to go straight up Braveheart and use his now bloody fingers to apply war paint on his face. That's what I would have done..

Sports_guy3 28

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Sunday 27 October 2013 20:02

#1- hopefully.

TheCerealKiller 24

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Sunday 27 October 2013 23:17

Sounds like a bloody awful situation, right?

tjv3 10

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Monday 28 October 2013 0:02

I just threw up a lil in my mouth

aoc123 8

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:19

I'm sure that fixed his memory problem reallyy fast

summerguy97 16

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Sunday 27 October 2013 23:14

I don't think it was his memory. I mean, a true knight gets a little blood on his sword every now and then right?

TotallyAradical 14

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Sunday 27 October 2013 23:40

Not on my watch.

lilhellian 26

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Monday 28 October 2013 1:54

109, Then move your watch out of the way :)

unlucky_04 10

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Monday 28 October 2013 10:34

#2 - Awesome DP, you've got such pretty eyes :)

A07 48

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Monday 28 October 2013 14:29

#150 it really brings out her personalitits :p

ottokat 15

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Tuesday 29 October 2013 22:49

really

isabellasimone 18

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:20

Well, you told him!!!

Raesin 21

Sunday 27 October 2013 19:21

You know goldfish remember things for at least 6 months or longer right? Knowing that this FML makes no sense.

Soloman212 28

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:28

You know that it's an idiom for having bad memory, right? Knowing this, this FML makes perfect sense, even if it contains an inaccuracy. Don't be a smartass. The point of language is to communicate effectively, which this FML does. If you're too disconnected to understand that idiom because of your impressive and extensive knowledge in the field of marine life memory, then you're really not very smart at all.

mcm_3 16

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:43

And did you know that the internet will remember you as a smartass without a sense of humor FOREVER?!?!

MrSassypants 32

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Sunday 27 October 2013 20:08

#41, actually, us Internet users won't remember he's a smartass forever; we have the memory of a goldfish.

Cwizer 17

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Sunday 27 October 2013 20:16

Best internet troll ever !!!

kinsmas 18

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Sunday 27 October 2013 21:07

So you'll forget him in 6 months? Hahaha

SmuggletheBudgie 15

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Sunday 27 October 2013 22:08

I would say the internet has a memory of around a month max, there is always new and exciting stuff to waste our lives on the internet!

JMichael 25

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Sunday 27 October 2013 22:16

21- good one!

blowinkissies 9

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Sunday 27 October 2013 23:08

#4 ~ Did you know that goldfish only can remember up to 30 seconds?

JennyK1414 13

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Monday 28 October 2013 4:27

"Impressive and extensive knowledge in the field of marine life memory..." Hahaha best comment ever.

AlexRaptor 3

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Sunday 10 November 2013 18:37

Goldfish have a 3 second memory span...

akakennedy 16

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:21

Bah! Love your name!

ironichalibut 24

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Monday 28 October 2013 1:49

Just when you thought it was safe..

Dubai_fail 7

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:21

guess he had a "pad" day !!!

Dallasluver19 14

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:21

Us Girls are the screwed ones with periods, being raped, sore boobs, giving birth, pregnancy, having to look good. What do guys have to do? Just stay out of our damn way when these things occur.

Welshite 39

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:23

Please don't start another gender debate.

theomg 2

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:28

OMG you're so right girls have it so hard!!

Beepbeep7 14

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:30

I sometimes have feminist viewpoints but this is taking it too far.Even though I would never tell my husband this,guys go through a lot of shit too especially when women are on their periods.And as far as rape,there are many many men that have been raped or abused so you can't even use that.

golden_warrior 23

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:31

We have issue as well. After certain age, we got hairs growing out of place that you would think is not possible. And guys get judged based on their looks as well. Plus, some guys get judge on the size of their penis. I'm not saying our situation is worse but we have our own issue as well.

Pwn17 25

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:33

I am a feminist and I support gender equality, but just because women have issues 7, that doesn't mean men don't have any. Shut up.

Jasmeent11 15

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:34

Guys can have it hard too! *hinthint* ahahhah

beelee1988 13

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:43

I really hate when other girls complain about these things. I'm a girl, yes I complain when I'm on my period, but I don't feel like I have it harder than anyone else. I also hate when girls use their periods as an excuse to be bitches. PMS comes before you actually start pouring blood from your vagina. After that, you're just a bitch.

evan_7899 28

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Sunday 27 October 2013 19:43

#31 Shut up you ignorant woman, its retards like you who make a bad image for your gender. So when men insult you and you go into a fit because you have it "so hard" think about men next time

tranced_ 44

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Sunday 27 October 2013 20:05

ok don't be so sexist.. I agree on some level girls suffer alot but guys face the same problems too! not all guys are like her husband and not all girls are angelic like you described so Chuck it!