Fat Cat

Today, I took my car to be repaired. The mechanic put out his hand when he saw me, so I shook it. He just wanted my keys. FML

This Charming Man

Summertime sadness

Dominion

By keyshame - Australia - Leichhardt

38253

6451

Today, my cat cracked my phone screen by sneezing on it. FML

By CatofSteel

4813

551

Today, I figured I've been watching too many horror films, due to my parrot mimicking a women's blood-curdling screams that he heard in a movie. How do I know? He decided to reproduce the screams at 3 a.m. FML

By Anonymous

Bird song

1485

394

Today, my new job e-mailed to tell me the role was no longer available, leaving me to start my job search all over again. My notice at my current job ends this week. But it's OK, because as compensation for my 'distress', the company sent £100 worth of vouchers... to the wrong address. FML

By Jobless

4399

251

Today, while working my overnight shift, I went into the isolation room to find some items for a former client. The door fell shut and the magnetic lock went to work. Both unit telephones and my cell phone were lying on the desk, and I waited four hours for my supervisor to rescue me. FML

By ducky2721 - United States

26586

4813

Today, while vacationing, a small boy asked to see the baby I was holding, wrapped in a blanket. I showed him, and his face reflexively scrunched up. The boy's mother came and apologized to me. Her face scrunched up too. FML

By NotAnUglyBaby - Mexico - C?rdoba

20274

1896

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her birthday is tomorrow so she sent her new boyfriend to pick up her birthday present. FML

By holla1787 - United States

36445

2801

Today, for the very first time, I invited my girlfriend's parents for dinner. I bought a pre-made oven dish, just to be sure nothing could go wrong. Once at the table, her mother asked pointedly who forgot to remove the plastic foil before putting it in the oven. FML

By StijnDescamps

711

1880

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

By Anonymous - United States

9494

24183

Today, I received a pair of earrings, a necklace, and some rings as a Christmas gift from my grandma. This would have been nice if I weren't a guy. This is her way of mocking me for wearing what she calls "girl colors", such as white. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Elmont

42852

3350

Today, my company announced a new name. They also announced new coffee mugs with the name on them. They've not announced raises in over 3 years. FML

By glens - United States

23407

2311

Today, when I went to see a movie with my best friend, and there were 3 girls loudly discussing blow job techniques. I texted my boyfriend about how gross the conversation was. His reply was "Pay attention. You might learn something." FML

By ohno - United States

15279

29479

Today, my boss decided to have the whole staff drug tested and fire everyone who failed. Out of an original staff of 14 people, only my boss, two coworkers and I remain. I now have four times my normal workload and am seriously thinking maybe I should've said "Yes" to drugs. FML

By bringthemback - United States - Columbia

49754

4212

Today, I cut myself pretty badly with a knife. I was bleeding quite a lot, so I yelled to my husband to bring me some kitchen roll, along with the first aid kit. He rushed in with the roll… to clean the floor. FML

By DiiiDiiine - France - Limoges

34282

3762

Today, I found out that my crush didn't make up a fake girlfriend to get me jealous; he made her up as a way to tell me to back off. FML

By Cassidy - United States

13292

35620

Today, on Facebook, someone wrote a status implying that she was going to kill herself. I called a mutual friend, asking to check up on her. The next status the girl puts up said, "Someone thought I was going to commit suicide! Haha what a loser!" FML

By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

53863

4921

Today, I discovered that my 8-year old is not fully toilet trained when a turd fell out of his pants, shortly after introducing him to his new babysitter. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Port Orchard

45478

9273

Today, I had my first kiss with the woman I've been in love with for two years. Right as I kissed her, some guys drove by in a car and threw some soggy spaghetti at me, yelling, "Noob!" FML

By johncabbot25 - Canada

36923

3479

Today, I've has a constant feeling like something is moving in my ear. I'm a severe arachnaphobic, and my dad is trying to convince me a spider is in my ear laying eggs. FML

By Anonymous - United States

Laying eggs!

1731

203

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend gets a nose bleed every time he orgasms. FML

By nr1234 - United States

43226

4474

Today, I woke up and checked my fish tank. I thought the temperature was too low, so half asleep, I turned it up. Now all my fish are dead. FML

By Anonymous - 16/2/2021 20:01

Murdered

360

892

Today, I realized why you should never wear a thong under yoga pants that are a couple of sizes too small. It's a weird thing, seeing your co-worker's anus. FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Huddinge

27851

3099

Today, the nicest thing said to me all day was from my microwave that flashes 'enjoy your meal' when it finishes cooking something. FML

By bymyself

30573

3804

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

By Joey - United States

37969

3361

Today, my wife asked me to back up all the photos and videos from our desktop computer so I synced it with my Google account. Every graphic picture and video my wife and I have ever exchanged was sent to all 3 of our children's tablets. My daughter cried all night. FML

By Nursr187

3019

5968

Today, I spent ages applying for a scholarship on-line. I found out on the very last page that I do not meet the qualifications for it. FML

By effme - United States

29833

11031

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

By Anonymous - United States

12847

24046

Today, I found a folder on my boyfriend's computer called "Facebook". It turned out to be a collection of thousands of photos from his female friends' accounts. It was all sorted into folders like "Big Tits", "Blonde", "Cameltoe", "Feet", and "Jailbait". FML

By WTF - Australia

27174

2850

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

By ihateeverything - United States - Granbury

36417

8416

Today, my boyfriend bought a pogo stick. Now he rides it more than he rides me. FML

By RachelVanLannen9 - United States

37105

10671

Today, my girlfriend decided that having OCD will help her lose weight. She is now convinced that walking in and out of doorways multiple times will burn fat. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Evesham

23981

2386

Today, my two closest friends declared that they hated each other. They're my bridesmaids. The wedding is in three weeks. FML

By SadFace - Australia - Newmarket

47707

3844

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

By ari - United States

35820

3866

Today, I took my girlfriend out to eat at a diner where my friend works. My friend was our waiter but too busy to talk much. He texted me after we'd left to tell me that my girlfriend had slipped him her number. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Petrolia

54832

3388

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend when I felt her slip her hand into my pants. She then gave me a wedgie. FML

By Matt988 - 22/3/2021 23:00 - India

Unexpected

748

229

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

45050

9139

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

By ewww - United States

42257

3855

Today, my boyfriend of a couple of weeks mixed up my name with his ex wife's name. After he said it, he looked at me and said, "You knew it was going to happen." FML

By thatsnotmyname - United States - Calhoun City

44944

7770

Today, I was hanging out with my crush and wanted to see what he thought of me. Instead of asking him straight, I tugged at my shirt, saying ''I don't know why I wear this top. I always look awful in it." He said, "Are you fishing for a fat joke?" FML

By Anonymous - United States

11597

45363

Today, picking up my children from school, I overheard some kids saying what a rotten person their dad was, and how they hated him. It was my kids talking to their friends about me! Why? Because I didn't buy them a bag of jelly beans the day before. FML

By Daddo - United States - Elkhart

Call CPS!

4123

403