Fat Cat

Today, the person I've been sharing my most intimate feelings with finally got bored and let me know I've been texting the wrong number for weeks. FML

Out of it

Rich people problems

Territorial pissings

By john - 4/5/2012 19:14 - United Kingdom - Reading

29083

4966

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

4172

228

Today, a friend wanted to show me a game he bragged he was the best at. I beat his score on the first try, and now I have a black eye to prove it. FML

By SeaBind - 16/11/2014 00:41 - United States - Saginaw

31713

3233

Today, it's been three days since I started working 12-hour night shifts. My neighbors have now decided to renovate their house. They're focusing on the rooms sharing my wall. FML

By need sleep - 25/2/2015 16:53 - United States - Severna Park

32227

2311

Today, I was out on a dinner date when suddenly a girl walks up to us and says to my date, "Girl, you can do so much better." Hearing this, my date looks at me, nods, gets up and walks off. I still had to pay for everything. FML

By Anonymous - 19/12/2012 01:49 - United States

49375

3862

Today, I held my bag of burger and fries out the window while driving, to preserve that new car smell. Not only did I hit a pothole and lose my lunch, I got pulled over by a cop who suspected I was either littering or tossing drugs when I saw him. FML

By ThatNewCarSmell - 1/10/2014 16:53 - United States - Carlsbad

21853

45441

Today, my family came over for Thanksgiving. We were supposed to have had dinner hours ago, but my mom kept sneaking into the kitchen and dialing down the temperature on the oven, claiming I was going to overcook everything. At this rate, we'll be lucky to have eaten by midnight. FML

By mommycooks - 22/11/2012 23:18 - United States

25104

1822

Today, in the middle of the store, my daughter pointed at my belly and loudly announced that she was going to have a brother. I'm a man, and apparently I need to lose weight. FML

By Anonymous - 19/8/2012 05:30 - United States

25656

5907

Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting 'goo', which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML

By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 01:51 - Australia

26310

3780

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

22426

1751

Today, I was driving at night and saw a small animal run across the road. I slammed on my brakes and got rear-ended. The animal turned out to be a plastic grocery bag. FML

By himtopia19 - 3/3/2009 00:09 - United States

51550

16379

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he wasn't on Facebook for the last two days. It turned out his father found out we were talking, and banned him from logging on. He's 19. FML

By Tang - 27/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

5755

541

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend has been asked by multiple people "why he is going out with such an ugly girl." FML

By hjufidskndf - 30/8/2010 05:35 - United States

36108

4074

Today, my mother was trying to have yet another "helpful" conversation about how to fix my anxiety. My sister's insightful comment? "I think your problem is that you need to get laid." My mom agreed with her. FML

By sexandanxiety - 30/4/2015 00:46 - Canada - Stittsville

34491

4176

Today, I made it my life goal to own a towel heater. FML

By Ahlph - 20/5/2011 04:43

11074

28081

Today, it was my first day at my new job. My new boss asked me if I was single. After telling him I have been happily married for 6 years, he fired me on the spot. FML

By Anonymous - 22/6/2011 05:35 - United States

54889

3827

Today, after driving hundreds of miles to sign the paperwork for my new job, I found out the guy who hired me recently quit, and HR has no idea who I am. FML

By Anonymous - 17/11/2014 16:59 - United States

36442

2570

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

By Christin Deason - 8/9/2019 22:00

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

1225

353

Today, I had a dream where I was imagining myself hooking up with a really hot girl. Not a sex dream. A dream where I was sitting in a room alone and imagining myself hooking up with this really hot girl. Even in my dreams I can only imagine. FML

By BigDreamer - 9/2/2019 02:00

2135

228

Today, I got a drunken call from my boyfriend, which consisted of him telling me that he, "does man things like fuck bitches and roll with hoes," and that I've been, "trying to turn him into a half-ass girly man," but, "that shit ain't right." Then he threw up. FML

By turnmyphoneoff - 24/9/2019 00:01

The Phone Call

1708

178

Today, I dropped my camera down 4 flights of circular stairs from the top of a lighthouse. Everything worked, it just had a few dents. Then, as I went to put it in my pocket, I missed. It fell 3 feet and hit the floor. Now it won't turn on. FML

By Anonymous - 4/12/2009 23:43 - United States

31828

17233

Today, I lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It lasted about 20 seconds, and he cried during it. I later heard him telling his friends he'd given me a "damn good pounding" and "made her cum 3 times". I wish. FML

By Lady Vulva - 19/9/2015 02:56

34666

3028

Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML

By Anonymous - 24/2/2017 03:00 - Finland

5035

2223

Today, I spent more time driving to my vacation spot than actually vacationing. FML

By Hue - 7/7/2015 20:43 - United States

23324

4154

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

By noO - 7/2/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

23047

3825

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

By unloved - 1/10/2009 14:25 - United States

42243

6792

Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

By KMROYALShottie - 27/5/2009 04:50 - United States

68699

2892

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

By Anonymous - 11/8/2011 06:04 - Canada

32291

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Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

By Anonymous - 9/5/2013 16:01 - United States

54090

3293

Today, my wheelchair was delivered. My brother and I were messing around with it when he rolled over my already injured foot. At least surgery is next week. FML

By ouch - 29/5/2016 23:27 - United States - Las Vegas

11881

2993

Today, the university bike permit that I'd ordered half a year ago finally arrived. Unfortunately, my bike was stolen months ago. FML

By walkingisfun - 2/7/2017 20:00

4750

293

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

109822

6388

Today, I put my paint brush into my cup of tea. FML

By Petridishoflove - 20/1/2009 06:12 - Hong Kong

10503

22774

Today, I had an art class with my girlfriend. The teacher assigned "anti-cards", or cards for unusual or bad occasions. My girlfriend decided to make a "break-up" card, and I helped her write the poem inside it. After class, she gave it to me. FML

By UnluckyArtist - 14/9/2009 18:54 - United States

46117

6435

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

By Theboredone - 29/3/2018 19:00

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367

Today, I received an eviction notice taped to my door stating my landlord is selling his property and moving out of the country in 13 days. My landlord is my boyfriend. FML

By LonelyMonkey - 12/11/2009 19:39 - United States

45296

3239

Today, I was kicked out of a Family Dollar. My mom thought it would be fun to press all the buttons on the musical ceramic cathedrals so they would all play at the same time. FML

By dearprudence89 - 10/11/2010 13:16 - United States

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3049

Today, I was told I pull the "whole grunge look" off quite well. I don't dress "grunge", nor was that my intention. FML

By ashleylynn17 - 25/2/2014 21:59

34382

5386

Today, my mom ordered my birthday presents on eBay. Too bad she used my account, so when I went to look for ideas, everything she bought me popped up. It's so much stuff I don't want, need, or will ever use, and it's on my credit card. FML

By ARGHHHH - 4/10/2018 05:00

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323

Today, my grandmother died. No one called me to let me know she passed. I found out because people kept writing RIP on her Facebook wall. My siblings and I weren't even mentioned in her obituary with the other grandchildren, but they did remember to mention her dog. FML

By katta2009 - 29/8/2010 11:29 - United States

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