Fat Cat

Today, my best friend stopped by my house, borrowed a movie, and left. That was the extent of our communication for the day. Today is my birthday. FML

Sorry…

Lobbied

Addams Family Values

By Anonymous - United States - Panama City

32075

2473

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

28750

2120

Today, my son accidentally damaged another kid in the face with a baseball bat, while blindfolded trying to hit a piñata. Except there was no piñata, or blindfold. FML

By Anonymous - 27/8/2020 10:02 - Australia - Murarrie

Kids will be kids

633

1186

Today, my 15 year old daughter got kicked out of her cheerleading squad because she was overweight. I heard one of the cheerleaders say, "She must be overweight because her mom is." FML

By fatty:( - Australia

43286

13799

Today, I finally got a job after months of searching due to Covid. The bad news? It's cleaning dog kennels. I have an extreme fear of animal poop. FML

By corleon198425 - 13/11/2020 20:08

Face your demons

619

478

Today, my dog disappeared for an hour. After calling her name repeatedly, she crawled out from under my bed, threw up on my feet, and then happily walked out the room. FML

By Anonymous - United States

30019

4143

Today, I hugged my dog and kissed her on the side of the face. She responded by mauling me across my own face. FML

By anonamous - United States

22079

9073

Today, I was eating pizza with my girlfriend. She got sauce on the corner of her mouth so I tried to be sexy and lick it off. It wasn't sauce, it was a cluster of zits. FML

By choldcreations - United States

22022

41166

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

By Anonymous - 22/5/2020 23:00

Slip of the tongue

1428

165

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

By Muffinhater - United States

28245

2420

Today, my friends decided it would be funny to scare me by tilting the portable street toilets while I was taking a dump in one of them. One of my friends accidentally rocked it too hard and it fell on the floor. They wouldn't even let me sit in the car after because I had shit all over me. FML

By dontevenassk - Canada

64015

3764

Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML

By Katie - Reserved

31975

3095

Today my boyfriend tried to be sexy and rip off my underwear. Instead, he bit a chunk out of my hip. FML

By littlepeepboo

You want a piece of me?

5003

422

Today, at my job working retail, I had just finished cleaning and straightening a whole aisle. This kid watched me do the whole thing. When I was done, he stuck his arm out, and ran it down the whole shelf, knocking everything off it. His mother just grabbed his hand and walked away. FML

By RetailRage - United States - San Francisco

30877

1846

Today, the girl I like came over to my house to watch a movie. We had seen pretty much every movie that I suggested, so we ended up watching The Lion King. I forgot how sad that movie is, because once Mufasa died I started bawling my eyes out. FML

By Anonymous - United States

44018

25481

Today, I ran out of clean boxers. Thinking nobody would find out, I snatched a pair of my wife's panties. Later, we had a cook out for my birthday, where some of my old pals thought it would be funny to pants me. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Noblesville

40725

73397

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

By Needsanewjob - United States

15455

55236

Today, after a week of rejoicing that my petty, passive-aggressive, bullying neighbours were moving away, I came home to find the "to let" board had been outside the wrong house the whole time. It's actually the people I really like who are moving away. FML

By Jade - United Kingdom - Wembley

11914

964

Today, I found my company car wrecked in a ditch. Apparently, leaving it parked on an icy hill all night was a bad idea. I have to pick up my manager from the airport. FML

By croleymd - United States

8873

27240

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

By duckthehack - Poland

42870

8857

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

By Bookworm - United Kingdom - Singapore

52835

4377

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Bodyshaming

632

Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML

By Anonymous - United States - Pennsville

33348

2562

Today, I hit a parked car. I was walking. To make the scene more embarrassing, the car alarm shocked me and I backed up quickly into the parking meter, knocking me down once more. FML

By tracelee - United States

44440

13194

Today, my daughter was putting clothes in the drier when she yelled, "Mom!! The drier won't start!" I had to explain to her that the door needed to be shut. Her response, "Oh. I didn't know that mattered." She's 15. FML

By i_am_forever - United States - San Francisco

31677

6062

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

By Anonymous - United States

40763

4254

Today, I was walking to class. While waiting at the crosswalk, a guy cat-called me from his car. I guess he was pissed that I didn't respond, because he purposely drove through a puddle and completely soaked me and the expensive textbook I was holding. FML

By Soakedandbroke - United States - Houston

22842

1745

Today, my alcoholic dad finally came to see to my last dance recital after years of never showing up to watch me. He got kicked out of the audience for snoring too loud. I could hear him from the stage. FML

By Anonymous - 17/12/2020 22:58 - Canada - Newmarket

Bored

1013

Today, I got a promotion. I was really excited until I realized that the only friend I had to celebrate with was my pet cat. FML

By ktwithaq - United States

28698

5344

Today, I was home by myself. I was singing "If I Had A Million Dollars" really loudly since I figured no one could hear me. As I'm really into the song, my neighbor shouts, "If I had a million dollars, I'd give it to you to stop singing" and slams his balcony door shut. FML

By NotAmericanIdol - United States

40470

29144

Today, I wanted to play Among Us for a little distraction. I ended up having a panic attack. FML

By Anonymous - 28/11/2020 07:04 - France

Pro gamer move

534

196

Today, I realized that my wife is such a bitch normally, she's actually nicer when she is on her period. FML

By Username - United States

39396

8141

Today, my cat decided the perfect place to throw up was on herself. Cleaning a smelly old cat with a showerhead is trouble enough, but when she tried to escape, it resulted in the bathroom being turned into one big puddle. FML

By Kas - 25/11/2020 11:02

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

682

114

Today, I found out nobody in my family wants to come to my college graduation. I spent 4 years and $60,000 to be the first person in my family to go to college, and nobody wants to see me graduate because the 4 hour ceremony is too long. FML

By strawberrypuff - United States

78311

4572

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

By Josh - United States - Fenton

36828

7810

Today, I found out that I was never actually enrolled in the class I've been attending all semester. I guess that explains why I only got $400 dollars in student aid, not the 1,200 they said I'd get. FML

By graphite01 - United States - Eugene

9633

1214

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

By nana - United States

66169

9291

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Birmingham

25009

31864

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

By NoNaMe - Australia

10605

75042

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

By Heather - United States

69298

10895