Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited... - FML

By L_lives - 30/5/2015 05:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I realized out how sad my love life is when I got excited that the number a girl gave me turned out to really be hers. FML

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Season finale

Toxic parents

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By nerd - 3/3/2009 03:20 - United States

Today, I got a call from my friend who invited me to a theme party. It was a goth theme, and I decided to get real into it. I put on a trench coat, black skin tight pants, and black paint under the eyes. When I got there I was greeted by a kid in a pink popped collar. It wasn't a theme party. FML

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By hockey - 26/11/2009 20:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my new iphone in a taxi I was sharing with a friend. Apparently when I got out she looked at it, told the driver some one had left it and gave it to him. FML

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By MrsCasillas - 26/9/2013 06:24 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, my financial issues hit a new low when I had to borrow back some of the money I gave the guy who did my hair. FML

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By BearGrillz - 17/8/2009 23:40 - United States

Today, there were some wasps getting in my bedroom from a hole in the frame of my window. I went outside with some spray and took out their entrance. What I didnt know is that when you spray wasps, they go the other direction. I now have 60+ wasps flying around my bedroom. FML

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By AnnaMarie. - 28/2/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 05:14 - Canada - Clairmont

Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML

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By Noname - 27/1/2009 19:42 - Ireland

Today, I found the family's pet hamster under my mattress, he's been missing for six months. FML

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By themanontheright - 1/3/2010 20:50 - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

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By inappropes - 8/7/2019 14:00

Start your Monday with a Song!

Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt tunes out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I sold a customer some beer. He then asked to see the manager, and told me he was a 19 year old undercover cop. My knee jerk reaction was to panic and curse aloud, before realizing he was balding, toothless, probably 50, certainly not a cop, and laughing at me for being such a gullible moron. FML

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By uhhh what? - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2009 03:38 - United States

Today, my little 7 year old brother asked me what horny meant whilst in the car with my parents. When I wouldn't tell him what it meant he screamed, "I'm getting horny!" at the top of his lungs, and told my parents that I told him to say it. FML

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By pandapantsMD - 18/4/2015 03:12 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, my fiancé freaked when he noticed the tattoo on my wrist, and demanded to know when I got it. It was two years before we even started dating. FML

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By crizzy - 24/4/2011 00:08 - United States

Today, I dislocated my arm while trying to escape from underneath a flipped over kayak. Who saved me? My two brothers-in-law. Who didn't? My husband, because his "feet were hurting." FML

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By youredisgusting - 3/10/2014 07:00 - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 18:48 - United States

Today, I got a missed call from my dad, who hasn't talked to me in months and has vowed not to have anything to do with me. I called him back excitedly and apologized for missing his call, and we had a 20-second conversation about how his phone accidentally dialed my number. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2019 18:00 - United States

Today, I ordered takeout. When I looked in the bag, I saw they'd included four sets of plastic cutlery. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, then estimated that there must be at least four people eating such a large meal. I was eating alone. FML

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By tbright010 - 8/4/2011 22:48 - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was learning how to drain my dog's anal glands. FML

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By Christoams - 12/1/2009 04:35 - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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By singlegirl - 27/11/2009 18:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's wedding. All my friends and their boyfriends were seated at one table, while I, as the only single girl in the group, was put on a table with all the other single people. They were all over forty years older than me. I feel like I have seen my future. FML

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By Sanchez - 7/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By awkwardpineapples - 8/1/2015 03:13 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I found my sister licking all of the silverware and putting it back in the drawer. FML

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By unforgettablee - 29/4/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

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By ifpigsflew - 4/10/2010 23:31 - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

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By showerpower - 21/1/2010 00:23 - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2020 03:11

Call the FBI on her ass

Today, I got home from work to I find my cash box open and empty. My mom walked up and said, "If you have a lock that easy to pick, you don't deserve the money." There was 650 dollars in there. She refuses to give it back. FML

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By ForeverAlone - 22/9/2015 21:40 - Ukraine

Today, there was a big party at my workplace. The only person that was socializing with me in any way was my co-workers 4-year-old daughter. Before leaving, she drew smiley faces on plastic plates and napkins and gave them to me so I "will have some friends and not be all alone". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2019 06:00 - Australia - Carlton

Today, I found the remnants of a condom in my dog’s poo. FML

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By I_Lossed - 3/11/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

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By NoBasement4U - 26/11/2015 20:24 - Canada - Medicine Hat

Today, my dad went to a hardware store to replace the broken shower head in my bathroom. He got the cheapest shower head he could find, and so when I took a shower, the shower head burst out and hit me square in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was so bored that I spent two hours researching the history of spoons. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2013 21:58 - Australia - Richmond

Today, my future sister-in-law cancelled my invitation to her and my brother's wedding. Her reason was that I was incredibly rude to announce my pregnancy to my family at a time like this, because it took all the attention away from her. FML

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By FML4evs - 10/4/2009 02:43 - United States

Today, my younger brother watched an old music video of The Who, who are know for smashing up their guitars and such. He decided it would be cool to try it with mine. That guitar was worth over $3000. FML

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By fuckmuppet - 27/5/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I came down with diarrhea thanks to a particularly low-class restaurant. My dad has been making constant stupid puns like "pretty shitty state you're in" and "this day and age, you just don't expect this crap". I'm at the point where I want to gouge his eyes out with a goddamn spoon. FML

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By anonymous - 30/10/2009 07:45 - United States

Today, I decided to adopt a 11 year old dog that has been in need of a home for several months. Two hours after I got him home, I discovered him dead in the backyard. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 08:08

Vicious

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years after finally realizing I'm a lesbian. He then outed me to my very religious and conservative family. FML

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By youmindyourownbusiness - 15/2/2013 05:53 - United States - Genoa

Today, I walked past a few of my coworkers sitting outside smoking. As I got a whiff of the smoke, I coughed. They immediately started to defend their habit, and I was told to "mind my own fucking business." I wasn't trying to be rude; I'm actually allergic to cigarette smoke. FML

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By Stormy - 18/6/2011 21:49 - United States

Today, after a long and tiring day at work, I went to the movies, loaded up on soda, popcorn, and candy. I ended up falling asleep and being woken up two hours later by an usher. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2011 13:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By Thisismylife - 26/1/2015 06:55 - Canada

Today, I had pizza for lunch. Later, I passed out in front of a customer. Now I get to explain to my boss that I fainted on the job because of heartburn. FML

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Top comments

By Peng1995 | 11

#6305898 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:58

Always take that chance when you get one from someone you like.

By Mauskau | 35

#6305982 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:40

Am I the only one that prefers to be texted than called?

COMMENTS

By pansar | 6

#6305895 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:57

What?

By Peng1995 | 11

#6305898 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:58

Always take that chance when you get one from someone you like.

Reply

xx000o | 27

#6306396 - Sunday 31 May 2015 12:45

That number could change your life.

By hotheadslav | 17

#6305899 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:58

This doesn't make sense... Follow up please.

Reply

Razell | 13

#7679900 - Monday 20 August 2018 21:59

It makes perfect sense. A girl will give a guy a fake number if she's not interested in him and he's being persistent enough that only a number will make him go away.

By DonnaNoble_fml | 10

#6305901 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:59

A girl gave you get number? You're right. Your love life sucks. As a girl, I only give guys my number if I don't like them

By allie2590 | 30

#6305903 - Saturday 30 May 2015 23:59

That's a good thing, no?

By Benmantha | 31

#6305923 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:05

Time to text!

By swaglesshipster | 23

#6305927 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:05

Yay! Go call her and turn that progress into something even better ;)

By Lorenzo1102 | 21

#6305928 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:05

Now use that opportunity! If you don't the answer is always no

By harjotxo | 12

#6305933 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:07

Congrats! Hope things work out :)

By Wizardo | 33

#6305936 - Sunday 31 May 2015 0:08

Its a legitimate reaction these days. Be smooth OP, be smooth.