Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where... - FML

By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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Out of it

Never flip flop and drive

The cheek of some people

By Anonymous - 19/8/2014 00:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to talk to the girl I like. After awkwardly saying hi, I manage to work up a nice conversation with her. I thought everything was going well, until I got home and realized that she had stolen money out of my wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 06:42 - France - Cateri

Today, I had a boyfriend who wanted to wait until marriage before having sex. When I came home, I realised he must have married my roommate. FML

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By yggiz - 29/8/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2014 12:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, it's the first day of fall. It's also the day that over 20 people have made jokes about my name being "Autumn" like they're the funniest, most original people alive. It's not even 8 am. This is going to be a long day. FML

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By bob the builders pissed off daughter - 29/12/2016 23:52 - United States - Campbell

Today, my dad got drunk and decided to fix everything in the house he thought was broken. Now the oven won't cook, half the floorboards from the stairs are piled in the garden, we put the TV back together but now it is stuck on mute, and we still have no idea where he has put my bedroom door. FML

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By MumMatters - 9/9/2016 10:26 - Germany - Hamburg

Today, my babysitter told me to find a replacement, so I tried to bribe her into staying by offering her a raise. She told me that the money would be better spent on an exorcist. FML

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By saltinawound - 5/3/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend of almost a year because he was no longer sexually attracted to me because I'm "overweight," even though I only weigh 130 pounds. Afterward I went to my friend's house and sat in an old wooden chair. It broke into pieces as soon as I sat down. FML

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By Foodcomesfirst - 24/11/2009 20:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I felt dizzy and light-headed. So I sat down at the top of my stairs calling my brother who was downstairs, for help because I was scared something was wrong with me. He called back "No, I'm eating." I fainted. When I woke up, I was still alone upstairs and he was still eating downstairs. FML

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By bummer - 25/11/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By Flutie - 27/10/2017 22:00

Today, I went to a haunted house with my fiancé. A few minutes in, I saw someone following us so I turned and screamed. She ran off and my fiancé explained that she wasn't an actor, just a lady with a pigment disorder. I can never go back there again. FML

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By idiocy Trumps reason - 10/8/2016 15:32 - United States - Mission

Today, a customer made a huge scene at work because all of our reading glasses are made in China, and apparently any "moral" person should be repulsed by that. FML

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By Lanthane - 31/3/2016 06:00 - France - Bordeaux

Today, after living for a while with my husband and our cat, I'm still not sure which of the two leaves the most hairs strewn around the house. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2013 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to dinner with a guy I like and paid the $120 bill. After joking that he was an expensive date, he replied, "I laugh at how you think this is a date." FML

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By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - 1/6/2013 04:31 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By savagepixie - 1/6/2019 14:09

Ex-Lax Time

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, and he thought it would be funny to steal my ring and "pretend" to swallow it. I tried to get it back, but unfortunately I "surprised" him. He reckons I'll get it back some time tomorrow. FML

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By Aliiiice - 16/7/2013 13:18 - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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By iFail - 29/1/2009 17:55 - United States

Today, a guy sitting next to me in class asked me for a pen. I accidentally handed him a tampon instead. FML

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By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By Icy - 25/10/2008 16:56

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Wtf - 10/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, I was asked to babysit for a family that attends the daycare I work at. All of my coworkers warned me that they were rough kids but I shrugged it off. As soon as the parents left, the 7-year-old girl said, "Oh good now I can focus on death and my plans". FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2010 16:55 - United States

Today, I started my first day of work. I was told to absorb everything going on and to get used to the high-paced flow of things. I've been sitting at my desk for two hours now, and the office has been empty since I've walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 16:13 - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, I poured my heart out to my now ex-girlfriend over the recent passing away of my grandmother. Her eyes glazed over multiple times, and when I said that I don't know how to cope with everything, her advice was simply, "Shotgun. Mouth. Blam." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, I received a serious concussion and several stitches to the back of my head. The attacker? My mom. FML

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By Username - 24/11/2010 01:40 - United States

Today, I woke up early and went to the dermatologist's, only to have them tell me that the skin condition I have that causes big, white spots to appear is chronic and I can do nothing about it. But they did give me cream for a different skin condition they found. FML

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By Tytonic - 20/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Havertown

First dates

Today, after my first dinner with my new girlfriend, I was using a toothpick when I fell, stabbing the roof of my mouth. She then laughed at me, as there was so much blood. FML

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By JoLaFritte - 7/11/2008 10:10 - France

Today, thinking that I’m alone at work, I start rummaging through my nose trying to find something interesting. It’s only after about a minute that I notice that my boss is looking straight at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/2/2015 15:32 - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By Infected - 20/2/2011 17:30 - United States

Today, I found out the girl I gave my virginity to gave me gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2017 13:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad refused to give me permission to marry his daughter because I'm "covered in gang tattoos" and he doesn't want his daughter marrying a criminal. The only tattoos I have are the Game of Thrones direwolf and a quote from the Lord of the Rings movies. FML

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By Brittany - 10/4/2009 20:07 - United States

Today, my boyfriend's friends were throwing him a surprise birthday party. I thought it'd be funny to get him some fuzzy handcuffs and a box of condoms as a gift. They never told me they invited his parents. FML

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By PokeWife - 6/2/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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By cat-astrophic - 25/2/2015 15:44 - United Kingdom

Today, after 3 years of studying to be a veterinarian, I found out I may not be able to continue. It's not because I'm failing my classes, but because my body has developed an allergy to cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2017 13:00

Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 19:02 - United States - Lemont

Today, my mom's obsession with cleanliness hit a new low when she bitched at me for having trash in my trash can. FML

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By CantPublish - 15/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By cockroach - 27/9/2009 15:52 - United States

Today, I saw a cockroach on the ceiling. Immediately I got a stick to smack it down. When I hit it, it fell and landed in my mouth. Karma much? FML

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By Dude - 2/4/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I got laid off from work. I was being escorted to the elevator when another coworker stepped inside. He said, "How goes it?". I said, "It goes". Then he said, "At least we have a job". FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2011 22:46 - United States

Today, my boyfriend picked me up bridal-style to carry me to our bed. As he carried me through the bedroom door, the dog ran between his legs and sent us both crashing to the ground. FML

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By Welcome to Florida - 20/7/2017 13:01

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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Top comments

By popatia | 0

#680948 - Friday 20 November 2009 16:12

Why do you have a fake celebrity ID?

By No_fyl_cuz_ydi | 0

#681330 - Friday 20 November 2009 22:04

if you misplaced it then how did you know exactly where it was? ydi for having a fake celebrity id

COMMENTS

By popatia | 0

#680948 - Friday 20 November 2009 16:12

Why do you have a fake celebrity ID?

By No_fyl_cuz_ydi | 0

#681330 - Friday 20 November 2009 22:04

if you misplaced it then how did you know exactly where it was? ydi for having a fake celebrity id

By sanders924 | 0

#681362 - Friday 20 November 2009 22:35

WHY?? you're a pathetic loser

Reply

HollyoaksFan93 | 9

#3396923 - Thursday 6 October 2011 18:19

Says you.

By Cramps_fml | 0

#681783 - Saturday 21 November 2009 4:10

I don't even understand this one.

What is a finder and why do you have a fake "celebrity entertainment" Id?

Reply

DLT_17 | 0

#681880 - Saturday 21 November 2009 5:49

#6 the finders are the people who found his wallet. A fake celebrity enertainment id is something you would make for fun. but it had his name and picture so you could compare it to his actual id and you would know it was him.

to the OP. FYL i hate when people don't take me seriously.

By daboodidaboodi | 0

#681923 - Saturday 21 November 2009 7:35

Lol even the sentimental people on fml didn't care. How do these FMLs get accepted when mine don't?

By tayajayne | 0

#903589 - Monday 1 March 2010 8:28

this was shit and made no sense

By Grimmerie | 31

#2048026 - Saturday 5 February 2011 12:24

hufflepuffs are particularly good finders.

Reply

TheFiercePhoenix | 5

#3059820 - Sunday 7 August 2011 22:54

Winnnnn!!

By princess_bk2014 | 16

#5640312 - Friday 23 August 2013 17:32

Why would you take out your only form of picture ID in the first place?

By lufflala | 6

#5648854 - Thursday 29 August 2013 10:15

I'm completely confused by this post lol

By it__happens | 17

#5860698 - Monday 17 February 2014 7:37

Why