Today, I learned that in my family, 'Father's Day' is more like 'Father's drunken, piss on a plant in the kitchen during breakfast, order you to scrub in between his toes with your toothbrush Day.' FML
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Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML
Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML
Today, it's my 15th birthday. My dad stumbled into my bedroom at six in the morning, completely drunk, and slurred the "Happy Birthday" song. Then he told me to go fuck myself, and said that he wished I was never born. Me too, dad. Me too. FML
Today, my parents forgot it was my birthday. They ordered me to scrub the common bathroom, and when I asked if they'd remembered, my dad's reaction was, "Oh! Really?" My mom's was, "I thought that it was next week." What lovely parents I have. FML
Today, I made it halfway through saying "Happy Father's Day" before he interrupted to send me to do an unimportant chore. When I finished, he’d opened the beer I'd bought him, despite it being 7:30am, but he was convinced it was a bribe because I wanted something from him. I don’t know why I bother. FML
Today, at 8:00am, I walked into the kitchen and stubbed my toe. That's quite a normal occurrence, but this time, I stubbed it on my drunk, passed out, 53-year-old father's forehead. He's mad at me now and has cancelled my allowance. I'm 23. FML
Today, my dad came home drunk and called me hot. FML
Today, it's Fathers Day. Both of my adult daughters called me… from their stepfather's house. FML
Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML
Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML
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Top comments
SyraSid5 0
use his toothbrush instead, he's probably to drunk to even notice, and then tell him when he is sober!
emopinback 0
i wish i had a father but now i dont want one
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Comments (93)
firstdbzmaker 15
******* fathers... jkjk <3 :)
CurseYourLove 0
ooh i love that holiday too! jkjk fyl OP
aback 5
If he's drunk enough he won't know that it's his toothbrush.
Miko159 0
That sounded awesome! that's one hell of a father when drunk.
teamsleep22 0
fag
SyraSid5 0
like I said 20! :)
aback 5
So you did! Great minds think alike.
starpowerr 0
fyl I'm sorry
CalGirl1990 0
favorited, this is too funny
f_alltheirlives 3
That is my favorite day of the year
HeyMina 0
Omfg. I love your dad. The last time my dad was drunk we talked about what we're going to name our dog. Lame. :(