Animals: Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 419

You deserved it 13 196

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Coherence dude, do you have it?

In-laws, in-fighting

By Anonymous - 25/08/2014 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 284

You deserved it 17 534

By ragingwaffles - 13/08/2014 04:25 - United States - Chico

Today, my blind date thought the best way to start off is to show up blind drunk. She ended up puking on the table and leaving me to pay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 171

You deserved it 3 877

By Al - 22/06/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 827

You deserved it 3 328

Unfair. Period.

By shanna - 23/05/2018 15:00

Today, after I missed my last 3 periods, my mom grounded me for "getting pregnant" and refuses to believe anything else. I'm 15 and never had sex in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 561

You deserved it 209

By fuckall - 19/01/2011 11:05 - United States

Today, I worked out that if I paid the minimum monthly amount on my student loans, I'd be paying them until I'm 65. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 673

You deserved it 5 758

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 08:07 - Canada

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 463

You deserved it 8 691

By Anonymous - 19/05/2018 01:30

Today, after dating a guy for 2 months, things seemed to be going well. I offered to buy dinner and trusted he would keep in mind that I'm a college student on a budget. He picked the restaurant, ran up the bill over $100, made me pay, and dumped me right after. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 061

You deserved it 640

By punaise ... - 05/12/2014 02:12 - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 696

You deserved it 3 059

By JC - 26/03/2012 20:56 - United States - Villa Ridge

Spicy

Today, I read an article with tips on how to give girls full-body orgasms and I decided to test a few on my girlfriend. Instead of having a mind-blowing orgasm, she started cackling and said I looked like a giraffe trying to bob for apples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 419

You deserved it 6 015

By coolguy - 06/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Spicy

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 794

You deserved it 46 617

By awkwardballer - 24/05/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 831

You deserved it 1 577

By frustrated - 11/07/2013 04:52 - United States - Antioch

Today, I got head lice, so I went to a store to buy medicated shampoo. When checking out the cashier saw my shampoo and asked me to leave immediately to protect the other customers. He didn't let me buy the shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 729

You deserved it 3 564

Revenge is rarely satisfactory

By forgettable - 21/06/2020 20:08

Today, I wanted to rub my success in my ex's face to get her back for breaking my heart. I typed the perfect email, included every detail of opening my own business, buying my own home and cleverly intertwined insults. A few hours later, she replied, "That’s nice. Who’s this?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 3 738

Big tongue logging on

By Anonymous - 09/09/2020 23:01 - United States - Norwich

Today, I spent seven dollars to find out I’m allergic to kiwi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 029

You deserved it 153

Seize the means of production

By Anonymous - 21/07/2020 20:02

Today, my job has a policy where you can only have two breaks if you work 7 hours or more. I've recently been assigned multiple strings of 6 hour 45 minute shifts. And no, I can't work 15 minutes of overtime so I can have the extra break. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 543

You deserved it 170

By Colin Jr. - 23/09/2015 13:24 - United States

Today, it's the third week of my dad's midlife crisis. So far he's blown half my college fund pimping out his piece of shit car, keeps texting me meme pictures, and keeps yelling "Savage!" and "Recked!" any time my mom makes a joke at anyone's expense. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 724

You deserved it 1 676

By McKenna - 16/07/2011 04:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was sending my boyfriend dirty texts to try and turn him on so when I see him the next day he will want to get intimate. Twenty minutes later he texts back, "ew stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 210

You deserved it 17 837

By crazyautio - 16/07/2012 04:08 - United States

Today, while at work, a lady with a mustache came in and told me she was lost. I was happy to help, but could not stop rubbing my nose due to allergies. As she left she said, "I know I have a mustache you little ass" and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 741

You deserved it 2 923

By Anonymous - 27/07/2013 17:51 - Finland

Today, I was babysitting a kid for the first time. She asked if she could watch a movie, so I downloaded Cinderella for her. An hour later, this 10-year-old girl was lecturing me about unrealistic standards of beauty and abusive relationships, and how I suck for liking the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 001

You deserved it 8 739

By ottawaaa - 27/01/2009 22:26 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend and as I pulled out to finish I slipped and ended up punching her in the stomach, I came while she was writhing in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 017

You deserved it 10 797

By bad luck skier - 30/12/2013 20:28 - United States - Albany

Today, I went skiing. On the first run of the day, a little girl came out of nowhere and crashed into me. I was fine, but she was hurt, so I called the ski patrol. She told him that I deliberately hit her, and got me kicked out. I was there for 10 minutes. I paid for all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 888

You deserved it 3 482

By Anonymous - 06/04/2016 16:59 - United States - Meriden

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try having sex despite her serious body image issues. Unfortunately, I couldn't get it up due to how utterly terrified she looked. Now no matter what I say, she thinks it's all because her body is hideous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 946

You deserved it 2 901

By Anonymous - 28/01/2016 02:44 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I received a phone call from my boss, from the other side of the country. It seems the conference I sent him to is actually happening next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 039

You deserved it 6 994

Stalker vibes

By Anonymous - 30/06/2020 14:01

Today, a woman who has a history of being horrible came into my work. I had to help her, so I was determined to be so nice that she couldn't possibly complain about me, like she has about several co-workers before. Apparently, I was too nice. Now she loves me and wants me to help her every time she comes in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 335

By twinzies - 20/02/2016 02:46 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, there's a new freshman at my school that looks exactly like me. Whenever we see her, my friends shout "Twinzies!" I don't have anything against her, but I'm bummed because I'm a male senior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 540

You deserved it 1 825

By mvp - 26/07/2009 23:51 - United States

Today, my 50-year-old mother borrowed my denim miniskirt to go to the bar. In return, she offered to let me borrow her red "f*** me" pumps whenever I needed them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 838

You deserved it 3 465

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 563

You deserved it 3 043

By fishruinsex - 08/12/2010 08:46

Spicy

Today, I was messing around in my boyfriend's pants while watching TV. He was totally absorbed in the fishing show that was on. When the guy lost a fish, he got so disappointed that he became completely flaccid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 259

You deserved it 5 979

By jessybear777 - 15/02/2015 03:41 - United States - Branson

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. I'm extremely uncomfortable with eye contact, but he kept staring into my eyes the entire time. I had to sing the F.U.N. song from Spongebob in my head to stop myself having an anxiety attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 066

You deserved it 6 410

By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 215

You deserved it 2 982

By titov - 10/01/2009 14:41 - France

Today, I got my stuff together before leaving to take the bus: cigarettes, newspaper, mobile phone and the trash. I took me at least 5 minutes in the bus to realize that I was travelling with the trash on my knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 990

You deserved it 7 097

By stanky - 19/06/2015 14:47 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 242

You deserved it 2 968

Living in another world

By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 14:08 - Canada - Fort Frances

Today, I played The Sims just so I'd know what it was like to live alone, own a home, and have a well-paying job that didn't slowly kill me from the inside out. It was the happiest I've been in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 94

By boyo - 21/05/2009 09:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 298

You deserved it 81 893

Afterthought

By Anonymous - 31/03/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he never thought we had a future together. He just wanted to move in together so he could get "cheaper rent for a while." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 864

You deserved it 184

Ouch

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 23:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a clogged milk gland. I am not, nor have ever been, pregnant and therefore have also never breastfed. This condition is caused by my boyfriend's over-active urge to suck on my nipples. I'm in horrible pain, and he won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 758

You deserved it 6 252

The Times They Are a-Changin'

By Anonymous - 22/07/2021 16:01

Today, thanks to my ex-husband's misogyny, my son is now convinced girls are inherently weaker and that if he had to, he could beat any woman in a fight, even if she was a trained martial artist or a soldier, because, "Men are the stronger gender." I can kick both their asses, husband and son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 129

You deserved it 224

By fredo - 19/03/2013 12:31 - United States - Ames

Spicy

Today, I walked into the room naked while my wife was on the computer to surprise her. She smiled, put down her laptop and left for the bathroom so I started jerking it in anticipation. It was really feeling good until my wife's best friend, who was on Skype, started giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 887

You deserved it 23 940

I don't know why

By Anonymous - 05/11/2019 21:00 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 525

You deserved it 481

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 03:42 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 428

You deserved it 4 657

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:51

Urgh, those things are the spawn of Satan.

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:50

Not your fault... Kinda ironic though. FYL

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:50

Not your fault... Kinda ironic though. FYL

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 16:44

She must've barked up the wrong tree.

sayyestothedress 24

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 16:44

Never underestimate the power of CHIHUAHUA'S!!!!!

orbit 22

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 17:19

Could it have been a wild squirrel with rabbis that found it's way into her house? I mean Chihuahuas and squirrels look pretty similar.

enddmd 27

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 18:19

#23, a wild squirrel with Jewish religious figures? Sounds like the start of a bad joke to me.

orbit 22

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 23:01

Thumbs up to you sir

Send a private message

Monday 20 October 2014 5:59

im part of a conversation.

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:50

Found out the worse way that his bark was not worse than his bite huh?

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:51

Urgh, those things are the spawn of Satan.

Voij 16

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 16:21

One of the most terrifying mixes. Aggressive insecurity of the Chihuahua combined with the anti-christ in dogform, the Poodle... I'd say the OP was lucky that he managed to survive at all.

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 18:06

The only good thing about them is that they're tiny. If you fear for your life you can punt them across the yard and run.

dragonkisses28 25

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 19:54

Awww I had a chaweenie, a dachshund, and a St Bernard. The little one was actually very protective...of me. :) He thought he was a big boy. They were all so jealous of each other I couldn't pet one without petting the other two or the little rat, a 100 pound slobber factory, and the hotdog would all try to get in my lap. Sorry, OP. Those chihuahuas are little but vicious.

Send a private message

Monday 20 October 2014 14:16

What does it look like? A tiny fuzzy poodle?

Imthedaddy11 16

Send a private message

Friday 12 February 2016 2:24

#40 I'm going to call bs, you should know a ST Bernard weighs more than 100 pounds

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:51

that dog is going places

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 19:42

Where exactly #4? I'm confused..

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 20:12

I was also thinking the pound xD

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 20:18

I was thinking it was going to the back yard.. In a hole.. About 3 feet deep.

SystemofaBlink41 27

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 23:54

Damn. Dark, dark, dark...

Send a private message

Monday 20 October 2014 10:10

I was thinking a dodgy Chinese food restaurant.

theinsidiousgeek 9

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:51

Same thing happened to me

Paultheouctopus 13

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:51

Didn't you know, animals are unpredictable?

RayneSmytson 24

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 21:55

Animals are very predictable, especially dogs. It's just that most people can't read the body language. The barking was the dog warning OP to stay away, and I'm guessing there would have been growls, ears laid back, posture would have been aggressive. Just because you can't read the signs doesn't mean they don't exist.

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:52

"I don't just want a nibble, I want a whole goddamn piece!" - poodle thingy

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:52

Bit off more than you could chew on this one, OP.

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:56

Typical small dog..

garrett_8614 14

Send a private message

Sunday 19 October 2014 15:57

Never trust a tiny dog

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 44