Miscellaneous: Today, I hid my parents' booze since I'd always thought their... - FML

By Acidic Donut - 30/06/2013 23:48 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I hid my parents' booze since I'd always thought their shitty behavior was due to drinking too much. Turns out they're just assholes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 624

You deserved it 8 925

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Broken heart

Management

By Subliminal message - 19/01/2014 23:21 - Switzerland

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 603

You deserved it 8 457

By screamer - 02/09/2012 06:41 - United States - Paso Robles

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I was apparently really loud, because when we finished I heard his mom and grandma sarcastically imitating me outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 902

You deserved it 38 310

By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 02:38

Spicy

Today, my ex texted me after more than a year of no communication. He wanted to know if I was interested in having a threesome with him and his current fiancée. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 135

You deserved it 2 655

By Gabi - 20/02/2012 14:23 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend would rather jerk off than have sex with me. Even if I'm next to him in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 095

You deserved it 6 518

By Anonymous - 22/07/2012 19:25 - United States - Nixa

Today, after having taken hormone tablets to try to increase my cup size, I realized that I've basically reversed my menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 848

You deserved it 33 738

By Moving On - 01/01/2011 06:59 - United States

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 527

You deserved it 9 497

Moving day, grandma

By Anonymous - 03/11/2020 14:05 - United States

Today, after my daughter fell in love with a city I didn't want to move to and I caved to make her happy, after a year of which she got engaged at the age of 18 and moved with her fiancé back to his hometown not far from where we moved from, she called to tell me she's pregnant and my first grandchild will be hundreds of miles away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 976

You deserved it 447

By laxie - 27/10/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 129

You deserved it 3 889

By skiergal98 - 18/08/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 131

By Anonymous - 02/05/2012 11:05 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend started a conversation with "I don't want to break up" and ended the conversation with "I think I'd be better off alone." So I guess I'm now single. I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 034

You deserved it 2 495

By junkie - 18/12/2012 18:28 - Belgium - Antwerp

Today, I hid my weed stash in a bag from an expensive jewellery store. My sister walked into my room, went "Ooh, what's this?" and grabbed the bag. I grabbed it back and ad-libbed that it was her Christmas gift. Now I actually have to buy her expensive jewellery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 107

You deserved it 64 250

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 03:25 - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 971

You deserved it 17 745

By Anon - 23/05/2016 10:49 - United States - Lansing

Today, I found out my husband has been catfishing my sixteen year-old brother for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 129

You deserved it 1 242

By blackcat37 - 28/09/2013 10:53 - United States - Independence

Today, at 6 in the morning, I sneezed so hard I fell off my bed. I guess I'm up for the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 534

You deserved it 4 899

Help!

By Anonymous - 23/04/2013 11:25 - United States

Today, my pregnant wife paged my emergency line at work. Thinking she was in serious danger, I raced home and found her hysterically crying. When I asked her what was going on, she replied, "The dogs won't stop barking!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 876

You deserved it 6 398

Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By Anonymous - 07/02/2021 13:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I vented to my friend about how unhappy I am and how I want to kill myself. What did she say? "Don't do that." That was it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 669

You deserved it 229

Caught in 404p

By bgierczak2 - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 708

You deserved it 1 760

By Potential Bridezilla - 10/08/2011 07:18 - United Arab Emirates

Today, a week after my fiancé and I got engaged, his mother is already complaining that she isn't involved enough in the wedding arrangements. We haven't even set a date yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 241

You deserved it 2 581

By Peach - 02/03/2012 05:46 - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 633

You deserved it 2 148

By Anonymous - 13/02/2014 15:47 - United States - Kennett

Today, trying to be a responsible parent, I bought my daughter a pack of condoms in case she ever decided to have sex. She turned them into balloon animals and went back to playing video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 473

You deserved it 52 981

The geyser

By Anonymous - 15/05/2020 23:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend was on top in reverse cowgirl. After she orgasmed, all I heard was, "Oh fuck" and she clenched her butt to try stop, but it was too late, she shot diarrhoea up my stomach, chest and neck. The only reason I didn’t get any in my mouth was because it all got caught in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 247

You deserved it 312

By wasntme - 30/03/2009 10:14 - Netherlands

Today, I finally passed a math exam. I go home super excited to tell my mom, yelling "Mom! Guess what!?!?!" She turns to me all happy and goes "You finally got a boyfriend!?!?!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 472

You deserved it 7 432

By Anonymous - 08/02/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 249

You deserved it 2 805

By Anonymous - 03/01/2011 08:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 630

You deserved it 5 032

By thanks, my fellow americans - 18/04/2013 21:41 - United States - Woodlyn

Today, I was again turned down by a potential host family on a student exchange site. Their reasoning was basically that since I'm American, I might do something to endanger my health, get hurt, and then sue them over my own stupidity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 621

You deserved it 13 602

A nightmare

By charapos - 05/11/2021 08:00

Today, at 4.20 a.m., I'm awake, scrolling through this app for no reason other than to procrastinate going to sleep and having to deal with yet more inevitable nightmares and weird dreams. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 06:51 - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend of eight months that if she didn't start taking my band's music seriously, we couldn't see each other anymore. She said fine, and I hugged her, but then she stood up and said 'I hope we can still be friends,' and walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 063

You deserved it 71 890

By :-( - 17/07/2013 05:22 - Australia - Rozelle

Today, I finally convinced my mum to take me to a psychologist. As soon as he sat me down and asked me how I was doing, my mum burst into tears and went on a rant about how her life is terrible and she regrets everything. I was asked to sit in the waiting room. She used up my whole hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 375

You deserved it 3 629

By Kaji - 14/11/2008 11:20 - France

Spicy

Today, I sent a text message to my girlfriend telling her how much I wanted to make love to her tonight. I've just realized I sent it to her brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 460

You deserved it 24 014

By Awkward - 16/01/2010 21:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to meet his friends at one of his exclusive "clubs." Expecting it to be his old friends from college, I agreed to go. Apparently, I've been dating a member of the Ku Klux Klan for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 494

You deserved it 7 869

By thebigguy - 12/08/2017 04:30

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 698

You deserved it 1 261

By RWW - 28/07/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 540

You deserved it 7 480

By cinderella - 27/09/2010 14:47 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 339

You deserved it 4 463

Thanks, "Mom"

By thafinest - 12/10/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 535

You deserved it 2 266

By Ducati - 10/08/2009 02:13 - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend a small stun gun I bought for her. She mentioned how she thought it was ''cute'', though it probably wouldn't help if someone was after her. She then put the tazer to my chest. When I woke up, she told me how it was my fault, for buying it for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 730

You deserved it 13 448

By Powerfool - 07/04/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 185 970

You deserved it 10 694

What happened?

By Anonymous - 26/09/2021 01:00 - Ireland

Today, after 5 and a half years, my boyfriend had spent months talking about proposing before the end of the year. He'd picked out a ring, told all his friends, and couldn't stop talking about our future. He then dumped me over the phone out of the blue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 937

You deserved it 62

Why would I do that to me?

By car keyer - 02/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 722

You deserved it 54 386

By dust - 27/01/2012 06:54 - Japan

Today, I found out that due to the fact that I got divorced, the insurance for my car is going up. A year after she took everything, she is still costing me money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 935

You deserved it 3 315

By TDCC - 17/04/2011 01:06 - United States

Today, my dog ate a $2,000 check. My credit card bill gets taken out of my bank account tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 224

You deserved it 9 975

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Top comments

cuppycakeslove 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:35

Put the booze back or else their behavior will be shittier!

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:36

On the bright side, you now have a lot of booze to yourself.

Comments

cuppycakeslove 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:35

Put the booze back or else their behavior will be shittier!

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Monday 1 July 2013 9:01

worth the try OP. drink up ;)

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Monday 1 July 2013 18:51

Don't want them to be alcoholics now right?

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:36

On the bright side, you now have a lot of booze to yourself.

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:58

lmfao, win, FYL though OP:(

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:36

Well at least now you know

SkyGuy32 17

Tuesday 2 July 2013 5:34

I feel bad for OP. My mom gets really pissed off at the smallest things. There's nothing really good to do about it.

kee_breezy32 34

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:36

at least you tried!

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:38

did anyone else see this post twice?

kee_breezy32 34

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:39

I did!

XTheDesertSongX 17

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:39

I did.

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:40

yup !

syki 22

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Monday 1 July 2013 9:00

yup !

fuckedPriceless 17

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:39

Give 'em the booze back. As long as they are hungover they will ignore you!

ironichalibut 24

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:39

I bet they were even bigger assholes after you hid their booze

greenfishbait 19

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:40

I wouldn't be too happy if you hid my stuff either.

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:42

Hid their booze ? Oh my, if I did anything to my parents booze or fags they would kill me, literally.

604 11

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:44

For those confused by the usage of the word "fags", in England it means cigarettes.

ironichalibut 24

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:49

It also archaically means "a bundle of wood or sticks" Knowledge is power!

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Monday 1 July 2013 10:30

Well, I'm sure hiding your parents' hairdressers and interior decorators wouldn't make them happy, either.

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Monday 1 July 2013 13:10

29 - Stop. Put down your electronics. Go sit in the corner. Think about that horrible statement you just made. Come back when you're less of a dick.

Neyuu 18

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Monday 1 July 2013 13:33

Who's confused? I thought that was common knowledge.

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Monday 1 July 2013 19:26

No, they would not LITERALLY kill you.

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Monday 1 July 2013 19:34

38) Many people in America don't know that a fag = cigarette to the UK, since it's so predominantly used as a slur towards homosexuals over here.

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Monday 1 July 2013 8:47

Maby they just bought new booze, because you mentioned they drink to much, I know I would

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Monday 1 July 2013 11:03

if she had to get to the point of hiding their booze it's probably because they were unwilling to stop, right? Maybe they're addicted and if so would probably actually go buy some more.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 512

You deserved it 122

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 685

You deserved it 84