Guess this FML wasn't a success either since it's been four days and I'm the first commenter.

This is the way people should comment 'FIRST'

Wow #1 is right I'm so sorry OP

"my greatest successes is surviving this far without suicide or complete social and emotional collapse" -actual essay I wrote my Jr year of high school ?? something along those lines

Maybe your greatest success is having an FML published?

Greatest success is being the one sperm that made it out of the 100 million released during ejaculation!

Don't feel bad I'm in the same boat as you.