Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/1/2017 23:46

Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By imnotacheateryouimmaturefuck - 27/11/2012 01:41 - United States - San Mateo

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by throwing my stuff out of his place, and accusing me of cheating while yelling, "Cheater, cheater! Pumpkin eater!" When I tried explaining that I have no clue what he's talking about, he started exclaiming, "Liar, liar! Pants on fire!" FML

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By library book - 10/7/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

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By Megz - 2/1/2013 17:38 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2014 18:50 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 5 years. She bitched me out for not getting the ring she had been "hinting" me to get, and angrily left. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2012 06:50 - United States

Today, while working as a massage therapist, a client had me work on a very specific knot in his shoulder. He also happened to have a very detailed, very realistic tattoo of the crucifixion on his shoulder. I just spent 45 minutes violating Jesus. FML

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By slukaa - 13/6/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

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By hairless - 9/10/2011 03:53 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that your little brother is not joking when he threatens to shave your eyebrows if you don't let him watch cartoons. FML

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By begging for air - 20/2/2014 17:45 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

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By some people's parents - 18/4/2013 04:01 - United States - Aurora

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

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By Maxx - 7/3/2010 03:56 - United States

Today, I was so bored at work that I put a zip tie on my finger just for the excitement of trying to get it off. FML

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By ripped - 7/9/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By hjkashld - 24/4/2012 01:48 - United States

Today, I faked back pain to get out of sex with my wife. FML

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By AmyLeigh - 26/8/2012 04:18 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

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By anonymous - 22/12/2017 15:00

Today, I took the bus home after visiting a friend. Standing in front of my house, I realized that I had forgotten my keys. They were still in my car, which I had parked at my friend's place and forgotten. FML

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By a - 21/5/2009 19:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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By Girafarig - 31/7/2009 06:44 - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend on the phone. He said, "You sound depressed, I should cheer you up and give you a big hug." Jokingly, I responded, "You wouldn't hug something as gross as me." His response? "You'd be surprised." FML

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By Sara - 25/2/2016 07:39 - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

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By suckerrrrr - 29/5/2009 05:44 - United States

Today, I bought a top with some other things. I went to the restroom and had diarrhea, but there was no toilet paper in the stall. I had to use the receipt from the store. I then realized the clerk hadn't put the top in the bag. I needed that receipt to get the top. FML

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By fuck the fucking cops - 16/3/2012 18:41 - Belgium

Today, I was on the bus, when the inspector asked to see my ticket. I couldn't find it, and ended up being kicked off the bus while a few of the other passengers jeered at me. I found my ticket on the long walk home, buried in my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2010 21:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

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By Morgan - 22/6/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found it under my bed asleep when I got home. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 16:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I was diagnosed with a condition that makes me lactate. I'm a 6' tattooed guy with a boxing competition coming up soon. I'm never going to hear the end of this. FML

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By NJ - 24/1/2009 10:41 - United States

Today, I went to work things out with my girlfriend that I'd had a huge fight with. She told me the night before to come over at noon and that she would be awake. I unlock our flat to see that the place was a mess. She had thrown a party and was still passed out naked next to her boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2014 20:24 - United States - Chandler

Today, I hooked up with a girl at a club, and we had sex. She just lay there like a corpse the whole time. It got so bad, I ended up faking an orgasm and blaming the lack of semen on a botched vasectomy. She actually believed it. What the hell? FML

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By beaverless - 2/5/2011 20:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By sabrinatarmine_ - 22/7/2013 02:35 - United States - Carmel Valley

Today, I told my boyfriend I had diabetes. He won't talk to me anymore because he thinks I'll infect him with it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 06:59 - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 19:58 - United States - Macomb

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2011 19:21 - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

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By frustrated girlfriend - 29/12/2016 03:30 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML

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By BookBabe - 25/3/2012 15:34 - United States - Panorama City

Today, I wore my new Brazilian thong bikini to the pool for the first time. I was lying face down feeling so sexy, until flies started buzzing my butt. FML

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By gross - 11/6/2016 07:56 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, at 19 years of age, I finally saw a nude girl in real life. Specifically, my sister. FML

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By samantha711 - 10/11/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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By Anonanon - 12/7/2011 17:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally had sex with the guy I've been flirting with for months. Immediately after he gave me the 'let's just be friends' speech then left for work, accidentally locking me in his apartment. I had to call his ex girlfriend to come let me out. She smirked. FML

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By chrono19 - 4/5/2014 10:11 - United States - Bremerton

Today, I got a birthday package from my parents. It was all the stuff I'd forgotten there when visiting a month ago, along with some other things I'd left behind when I moved out. FML

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By Viridian - 12/5/2009 13:41 - United States

Today, I gave a big presentation at work. The manager decided to video tape it. I went through my presentation with ease and was confident I did a good job. My confidence was then lowered after watching the tape. Apparently, my boobs are much more interesting than what I had to say. FML

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By lynn777 - 4/4/2011 20:42 - Canada

Today, I was walking home through the slush and snow when a car drove by, soaking me with dirty water. Frustrated, I flipped him off. He then turned around and splashed me again. FML

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Top comments

By turtle_darkness | 17

#7386547 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 7:44

Guess this FML wasn't a success either since it's been four days and I'm the first commenter.

By coolvictori | 22

#7386904 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 19:14

Wow #1 is right I'm so sorry OP

COMMENTS

By turtle_darkness | 17

#7386547 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 7:44

Guess this FML wasn't a success either since it's been four days and I'm the first commenter.

Reply

missbuble98 | 19

#7634963 - Wednesday 16 May 2018 0:23

This is the way people should comment 'FIRST'

By coolvictori | 22

#7386904 - Wednesday 11 January 2017 19:14

Wow #1 is right I'm so sorry OP

By daringDuckling | 0

#7387089 - Thursday 12 January 2017 3:27

"my greatest successes is surviving this far without suicide or complete social and emotional collapse" -actual essay I wrote my Jr year of high school ?? something along those lines

By KK3137 | 31

#7387392 - Thursday 12 January 2017 18:25

Maybe your greatest success is having an FML published?

By yomedudeo | 12

#7388962 - Sunday 15 January 2017 9:57

Greatest success is being the one sperm that made it out of the 100 million released during ejaculation!

By ThatEmoBoy | 26

#7539996 - Monday 11 September 2017 19:00

Don't feel bad I'm in the same boat as you.