Miscellaneous: Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came...

By Prego my ego - 23/07/2009 17:39 - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 988

You deserved it 7 839

Miscellaneous

BO Central

People don't always get sarcasm

Two wheels not so good

Yes or No?

By Anonymous - 06/02/2020 18:00

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 804

You deserved it 293

By froyo - 26/02/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107 501

You deserved it 4 371

By Anonymous - 04/07/2012 16:40 - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and sister fooling around in the shower together. Supposedly, she was sleepwalking, and he was trying to wake her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 585

You deserved it 3 271

By nana - 19/05/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, after the church service was over, my two year old granddaughter started to sing into the microphone. She said, "Here Nana, you sing". I picked up the microphone and sang " Jesus Loves Me". She took the microphone back and said, "No he doesn't." FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 198

You deserved it 9 298

Mother nature's son

By Rita - 24/11/2021 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son brought home a fawn, saying it’s his new pet. I objected and told him to put it back in the woods, because the mom deer must be worried. He threw a tantrum, told me to stop getting in the way of their "bond” and stormed off to his room with it. He’s 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 201

By DutchOven - 04/07/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, was my wedding. After eating, I had an urge to fart. I let one rip just before my husband and I were called to do the garter dance. He seductively tried to use his teeth to remove the garter and came out from under my dress dry heaving. I dutch ovened my husband in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 316

You deserved it 25 883

By Burntintomyretinas - 19/09/2012 04:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 772

You deserved it 3 581

Pain in the ass

By Anonymous - 17/06/2021 22:01 - United States - Greenville

Today, I awoke to an excruciating pain in my back from sleeping in the same position all night. I can't wipe my own ass. I've already gone to shit twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 92

By Lou - 01/06/2010 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the supermarket; it was taking me ages to walk home because of the heavy food bags. Halfway home, I realised I had gone in my car. I had to walk all the way back to get my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 538

You deserved it 58 588

By Anonymous - 24/10/2011 09:47 - United States

Today, marks the fourth straight night that my girlfriend has screamed and cried in fear, scratching and kicking me in her sleep. The reason? I took her to see Paranormal Activity 3. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 926

You deserved it 51 166

No sleep for the wicked

By NightzGremlin - 12/09/2020 14:01

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 247

You deserved it 88

By assante2010 - 24/07/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 288

You deserved it 6 864

By Jerrrr - 27/05/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wanted revenge on the rabbit who ate my garden's plants. When he returned, he was standing next to my brand new above-ground swimming pool. I pull out my 22. rifle and shot at it, but the bullet missed and popped a hole in my pool. 15,000 gallons of water flooded my basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 983

You deserved it 286 934

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 23:00 - Canada

Today, I found that my "lesbian" best friend and roommate is now dating the guy I've been trying to get a date with for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 964

You deserved it 3 329

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 10:13 - United States

Today, I found out that some men think it's ok to clip their fingernails at the table, in a restaurant on a first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 753

You deserved it 2 981

By StillPissedOffAtIrony - 06/09/2014 17:25 - United States - Hialeah

Today, my mother yelled at me for not doing all of my homework. She got so mad, she tore up a drawing I'd spent over a week working on. That was my art homework. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 200

You deserved it 3 742

Don't Give Up

By Anonymous - 10/02/2021 12:01 - United States - Longmont

Today, I looked at cute baby clothes while my friend was in the check-out line at JC Penny. It made me want to cry. I'm almost 33, childless, and so unattractive I couldn't pay someone to be into me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 167

He'll understand when he's older

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 17:00

Today, I was reading one of the numerous Thomas the Tank Engine books to my 3-year-old, train obsessed, nanny kid. They needed tinder to relight Thomas's firebox. I laughed when reading this and told him, "I have Tinder too!" He's convinced I'm a train. FML

I agree, your life sucks 522

You deserved it 1 579

By ladygrey - 20/07/2019 00:08

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 771

You deserved it 213

By Anonymous - 28/06/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I went into work to waitress on a table of 40 guests. They were my only table for the day and the bill came to over 700 dollars. After they left the busser was cleaning the table and threw out the credit card receipt which had my tip on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 620

You deserved it 4 079

By theman - 21/05/2009 20:49

Today, I brought some cupcakes to my class for my birthday, like all the cool kids do. When it came time to sing happy birthday, the entire class said "happy birthday to" then forgot my name. Except my teacher. She said Steve. My name's Jeff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 411

You deserved it 6 841

By Anonymous - 17/04/2012 04:26 - United States

Today, there was a mandatory staff-wide "cleaning party" for a corporate inspection. I was assigned the outside bar which is infested with full-grown roaches with wings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 628

You deserved it 2 213

By Smeagogole - 02/07/2015 04:30 - France - Villeurbanne

Today, I found a friend's gold ring in some grass after a intense 10-minute search in the dark. As well as thanks, I've now got a new nickname. You can now call me Gollum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 3 547

By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 297

You deserved it 13 800

By topfisherman - 05/02/2010 20:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 738

You deserved it 42 134

By mrtut - 29/10/2010 12:17 - United Kingdom

Today, as a physics teacher, I was testing a class to see how high a sound frequency they could hear. One girl claimed she could hear the sound even though it was physically impossible. Without thinking, I replied "Only dogs can hear this frequency." Needless to say, she was picked on all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 633

You deserved it 13 083

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 463

You deserved it 14 581

By Anonymous - 16/05/2009 00:11 - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 401

You deserved it 18 173

By ouch - 29/02/2012 19:18 - Italy

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 034

You deserved it 2 848

By Anonymous - 01/01/2012 20:06 - United States

Today, I received a late Christmas present from my estranged father. I was really excited, having neither seen nor heard from him in nearly two years. It was a $200 gift card for a store that only exists in Canada. I don't live in Canada. Not even close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 3 983

By Savviecat97 - 25/07/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 400

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 09/12/2009 13:27 - United States

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't. Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 305

You deserved it 23 937

By ijustwannaplaymymusic - 27/05/2016 04:40 - United States - Jackson

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 106

You deserved it 1 580

By Anonymous - 19/02/2017 01:00 - Australia - Stretton

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 483

You deserved it 737

By Anonymous - 09/08/2018 15:00

Today, UPS delivered my kinky sex toys to my ex-husband. Apparently the delivery went wrong so they sent it to the last known address. He called to say he got my "package" and I had to go pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 096

You deserved it 586

By Silverfeathery - 14/11/2016 11:19 - United States - Lewiston

Today, I was making out with a guy in his car, when we decided we needed a minute of fresh air. We stepped out, only to completely lock ourselves out, with our phones and the keys inside. We had to smash a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 563

You deserved it 2 762

By damn you Ambien - 03/08/2016 05:48 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 285

You deserved it 2 739

By j.b. - 02/12/2009 05:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my husband thinks its okay to have an online girlfriend and have naked pictures sent to his email because he's not "physically touching, making love, or kissing". The sad part is that the online girlfriend gets more action than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 473

You deserved it 4 867

By justfriends - 09/02/2012 19:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It's okay, though; she says we can still go on the vacation I planned next month for our 3 year anniversary, just "as friends." The tickets are non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 721

You deserved it 2 466

Superanty Man

By Anonymous - 02/03/2020 03:30

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 632

You deserved it 197

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Top comments

anarkistsdream 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:08

If you really ARE pregnant, the guy you are dating should know...

SnifflyMiscreant 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:24

Maybe the uncle was just trying to scare the guy she was going on the date with. That's actually something that my dad would do...... haha

ky_stone22 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:04

well that sucks. sorry bout that

UncombedCoconut 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 0:24

Dear idiots who don't get this one, please see #25 (or #11, #13, #15...) before commenting. Jesus thanks you.

ky_stone22 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 0:35

i knew she wasn't pregnant...her uncle was trying to either be funny or freak her date out...i said that sucks cause that's pretty damn embarassing

lovesloving 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 2:56

I have a feeling shes not Preagnate. If she was it would be my ego is prego. Duh

Syn_fml 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 3:00

Preagnate, eh?

jasmine1259 2

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Friday 24 July 2009 9:52

or maybe she likes to drink and the uncle is telling her not to get pregnant so she wouldn't be able to anymore.

thegirlnextdoorr 0

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Tuesday 20 July 2010 8:18

Haha #51- It's pregnant ;D but no biggy. OP- Yoir uncle sounds cool :] but super embarrasing. Good luck, FYL :D

diabetic_rage 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:06

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lubby_fml 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:09

Lol this reminds me of Juno when the dad is like, Dating in you condition is kinda skanky, or scheevy, or whatever you kids call it."

Wingx 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:27

I don't think she's pregnant. -_- In France, even children are allowed to drink, so I think her uncle was just trying to warn her that if she DOES get pregnant, she won't be allowed to drink anymore.

lubby_fml 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:31

Well if that is the case, that is not funny, nor is it an fml. This is just retarded....

xHaniffax 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 0:00

I agree with you. Everyone thinks the OP's pregnant but I think the uncle said that as a warning as in "don't get pregnant or you won't be able to drink". either way FYL

sportastef 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 0:14

Yeah, it sounds more as a warning to not get pregnant, but made the guy think she was, so FYL.

Hugorgy 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 0:41

It said she was going on her "first date". I assume it's her first date ever, which leads me to believe she hasn't had sex yet, so no pregnancy. Her uncle was just warning her/trying being funny.

SS240 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 2:42

38... people call the first date they have with a specific person a first date... I'm thinking you havent ever had a first date or had sex.

Moemoemoe_fml 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 11:41

#14, you're full of it, drinking in France is only after 18 years old like all over Europe. And fyi, the uncle just wanted to ensure that the date wouldn't do much with her. She's obviously not pregnant, but now the boy thinks she is...

sooper 0

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Friday 24 July 2009 13:19

#76, In England you are allowed to drink from the age of 5. In France, Italy and other countries it is similar. I'm from Europe.

Puolukka 4

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Friday 24 July 2009 21:05

Yea and in Germany you can legally buy and drink beer and wine at age 16.

Charlie88 0

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Saturday 25 July 2009 1:00

In Europe you can start drinking alcohol at any age you want. You just can't buy it under 16, sometimes 18.

ohheykiwi 2

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Saturday 2 January 2010 15:31

Yes you can, I'm 15 and I've never had any trouble buying alcohol for parties. Same with cigs, pregnancy tests, whatever. No one cares.

treesdevin 0

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Saturday 4 December 2010 12:05

i need to move to europe.... fuck america

wadweiners33 8

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Friday 24 June 2011 8:43

wise words #91

countrygirl30 14

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Sunday 31 March 2013 4:40

I'm pretty sure the uncle was just trying to be funny

anarkistsdream 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:08

If you really ARE pregnant, the guy you are dating should know...

kbroom4 0

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Thursday 17 February 2011 4:59

she's not pregnant, dumbass. her uncle was being funny by trying to embarrass her and have him *think* she's pregnant.

cacheson 41

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Wednesday 27 July 2016 2:09

He is also conveniently not lying... He's stating a true fact that does not in any way actually say that she is pregnant. Clever!

Kiwi_Splash 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:12

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purplestuff_fml 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:12

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blond3tt3 0

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Sunday 27 November 2011 1:15

gtfo of here ?!

mollyjynxjax 28

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Sunday 19 May 2013 18:33

The uncle was trying to be funny

Nakedsquirrel 5

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:13

Commenting on this just to say I found OP's name amusing. Also, yeah, dating someone new while preggers is very skanky.

mollyjynxjax 28

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Sunday 19 May 2013 18:34

Her uncle was obviously trying to be funny

amys_fml 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:15

ur uncle is retarded.. am really sry

OneandOnlyOne 0

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Thursday 23 July 2009 23:16

Are you actually pregnant? Where is the dad? Why are you dating someone that doesn't know you well enough to know you are actually pregnant? I think you already F-ed your life!