Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the...

By nzkristy - 3/1/2010 10:59 - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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Health

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Fashion Police

By imaqtb - 9/9/2010 03:35 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant. This guy comes up to the counter and asks if he could have some toothpicks. I told him they were right in front of him. He said "Sorry, I'm blind." Thinking it was a joke, I laughed until he said "No, seriously." FML

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By Charles Pennington - 22/11/2011 11:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2019 18:00

Today, I realised how little my husband trusts me after I told him I was pregnant and the first words out of his mouth were, “Is it mine?” FML

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By Sammy - 27/4/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. My husband, the father of the baby, got a birdie on the golf course at the exact same time. FML

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By shenmas - 8/7/2018 19:00

Today, while I was out walking with my girlfriend, I got beaten up and called an "abuser" by a gang of women who noticed bruises on my girlfriend's arms and legs. The bruises are from her karate class. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 03:29 - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By ArmyMan - 24/6/2009 16:37 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 04:00 - United States - Boston

#1 Dad!

Today, I told my fiancé he needed to spend at least one night a week at home with his daughter or we will pack up and leave. He responded by getting a suitcase. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/6/2009 08:50 - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

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By lovesucks - 18/12/2009 20:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that the most kisses I ever get are in text messages from my Dad. FML

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By Oriianna Raiinbow - 23/10/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, talking to my boyfriend about each others families, we noticed we both had an aunt with the same name. After a while of trying to figure things out, we decide to call her. Turns out that we are long distance cousins. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

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By Christin Deason - 8/9/2019 22:00

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

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By Grand Slam - 10/9/2013 18:44 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, I had a dream in which I was playing tennis. As I hit a powerful serve, I suddenly woke up due to having slapped myself in the face. FML

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By Brinty - 16/9/2009 02:43 - Australia

Today, I was napping with my boyfriend and his dog. The dog was making odd coughing noises, but my boyfriend refused to kick him out of the bed. A few moments later, I rolled onto my stomach, into a pile of dog vomit. FML

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By riiiighhhttttt - 5/8/2013 05:38 - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

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By scared - 2/10/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, I went on a date at a restaurant with a guy. When he promised I wouldn't have to pay the bill, I didn't think he meant we'd be dining and dashing. FML

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By Allen - 5/1/2010 06:40 - France

Today, I was in a hurry to catch a plane. I got half way to the airport and realized I forgot my phone. I drove back to the house and searched for it. I finally gave up and returned to the airport only to find that I was 10 minutes late for my plane. Just then my pocket vibrated. FML

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By adrenochrome - 9/2/2009 09:21 - Lithuania

Today, I learnt that nail polish remover is, in fact, VERY flammable. And I learnt it the hard way. FML

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By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By HateTheBus - 18/3/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Dating is hell

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

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By Starving Ultimatum - 2/9/2011 01:55 - United States

Today, I was robbed while recovering from a robbery. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2013 15:40 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's the fifth day in a row my workmate has worn the exact same clothing. We share the desk. I'm absolutely positive he hasn't hit the shower since last weekend. FML

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By ew - 4/10/2009 15:41 - United States

Today, I noticed that my acne has gotten so bad, I can see it out of my peripheral vision. FML

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By calling_while_driving - 28/3/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while driving, I got a call on my cell phone. Trying to be safe and avoid an accident, I pulled into the nearest parking lot before answering. While I was turning in to park, someone rear-ended me. FML

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By myheadhurts - 21/6/2009 07:09 - United States

Today, I came home from an amazing cruise to find that my house broken into. My best friend apparently decided to invite her drug addicted friends into my home while I was away where they stole 172$ and my migraine pills, which are non-refillable. I now have a migraine. FML

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By ZSL - 17/8/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, I finally worked up the nerve to text the girl I've had a crush on to ask her on a date. I got back the reply, "Error message 3265: Number No Longer In Swrvice." Not only can she not spell, when I looked it up, "error 3265" doesn't even exist. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - 6/12/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By ill - 2/10/2009 17:18 - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2010 07:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

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By peepa - 10/9/2017 04:30

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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By chunkymonkey - 23/11/2011 23:54

Today, my boyfriend used a laser pointer to show me where I needed to lose weight. FML

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By QuinnyZebrass - 2/4/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

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By shake666 - 4/12/2015 17:50 - United States - Fremont

Today, I presented my assigned chapter for a book we're currently reading in my English class. I really like the book, so I've been reading ahead. When I summarized the chapter, I accidentally spoiled a major plot twist that was actually in the next chapter. FML

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By boring - 10/5/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By kyyle - 11/1/2014 04:02 - United States - Chicago

Today, we were playing charades at school. My word was "head", so I pointed to my face. Nobody on my team got it. But they did guess, "Ugly?!" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 14:01

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By Terrible Boss - 18/9/2019 02:04 - United States

Stability

Today, I fired all 12 of my employees, purely out of anger and frustration. Realizing my mistake when I'd calmed down, I called each employee and apologized, asking if they'd come back. Only one said yes. The mailroom clerk. FML

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Top comments

By Emrysa | 1

#753158 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:28

Seriously, tell them it's hayfever, and they can have you tested if they want, if you're innocent?
Not difficult. YDI for not standing up for yourself.

By blland | 0

#753156 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:27

well... now you get a day of rest. well deserved! YDI thus.

COMMENTS

By GruntOfAction | 0

#753118 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:10

That sucks but you can always take Dayquil

catatonicsleep | 17

#753343 - Sunday 3 January 2010 21:57

they've probably tried that if they know no antihystamine works

By zays | 0

#753121 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:12

Get well soon! :/

By GanjAxZermA | 0

#753133 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:16

I agree with #1

By lenasaur | 0

#753140 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:21

you shouldve used the opportunity to smoked up anyway!

By ServeRocks | 0

#753141 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:20

ohhh and follow me on Twitter @serverocks

By Twinklestar | 0

#753144 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:23

I have more trouble believing there's a work place in Southland that would care if it's workers were stoned than I do believing they wouldn't believe you had hayfever in the middle of summer.

fml98kevin | 4

#1945093 - Sunday 9 January 2011 5:56

lol

jenloveslaughs | 6

#4638580 - Sunday 1 July 2012 17:23

6- I'm so confused right now. Like wtf did u just say?

By ChurchofFagenism | 0

#753153 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:25

Of course it was the hayfever, dear.

By blland | 0

#753156 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:27

well... now you get a day of rest. well deserved! YDI thus.

By Emrysa | 1

#753158 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:28

Seriously, tell them it's hayfever, and they can have you tested if they want, if you're innocent?
Not difficult. YDI for not standing up for yourself.

By drag224 | 0

#753183 - Sunday 3 January 2010 20:40

At least you didn't get fired.