Love: Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 394

You deserved it 105

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161

You deserved it 1 369

05/04/2009 08:35

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 367

You deserved it 4 692

Great first impression

Paranoia

Stealth attack

26/07/2012 10:42

Today, I was mugged. Not for a laptop, cell phone or money, but for the cupcake I was eating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 348

You deserved it 2 690

Smells like victory

By Tcake - 19/05/2009 05:19

Today, I was drying off with a towel after coming in from outside. I noticed that the bathroom smelled like cat pee, so I sniffed all around to find out where my cat peed. Turns out, he peed on the towel that I was drying myself off with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 139

You deserved it 7 826

17/02/2014 17:43

Today, I was singing while driving through the car park. I blacked out trying to hit a high note, and ended up bashing into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 612

You deserved it 44 296

QUIET PLEASE

By Anonymous - 02/08/2020 05:01

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 408

You deserved it 189

25/06/2009 01:15

Today, I was texting the girl I am in love with. I was dropping hints about liking someone who I didn't know if they liked me back. Flirting a little. And just when I thought she'd say she liked me too, she said "Don't worry, if you were straight, I would definitely date you!". FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 401

You deserved it 5 462

26/03/2009 18:08

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 221

You deserved it 5 415

Smash the patriarchy

By caveman logic - 12/08/2021 06:01

Today, I overheard my niece telling my daughter that a woman’s only real purpose in life is to find a good man and make sure he’s happy. This includes having his babies, cooking his meals, and submitting to him in any way he asks. My sister is a business owner. I have no idea where she got this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 959

You deserved it 117

03/11/2009 21:17

Spicy

Today, a woman evidently posted on a chat website asking for any young men to send pictures of their junk to her cell phone. Over 60 messages were sent, mostly by underage boys, most of them including the picture. Only problem. The number posted wasn't hers... It was mine. I'm a 21 year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 833

You deserved it 2 639

12/07/2011 17:09

Today, I was hanging out with a guy that I really like. When he gave me a hug goodbye, he slid his hand into the back pocket of my jeans. It was glorious until I farted on his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 306

You deserved it 23 906

19/11/2010 19:38

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 093

You deserved it 2 337

22/05/2019 16:00

Today, on the bus, water kept dripping on my head so I stood up to move. As I got up, the bus turned round a corner and I fell over into a man's lap. When I tried to get up, I slipped down between his legs and the next seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 666

You deserved it 187

08/01/2009 03:59

Today, I met a really hot chick while waiting for the bus. We spoke for 4 hours till we got to our destination. She hugged me and we parted ways. Later that day I realised she stole my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 132

You deserved it 4 208

No one is that good in bed, surely

By Anonymous - 31/01/2021 16:59

Spicy

Today, my ex-boyfriend is still stalking me after several years. I asked him why he doesn't just move on and let me be. He replied that I drove him crazy one time when we were intimate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 013

You deserved it 110

05/05/2012 16:28

Today, I came home from the minimum-wage job I suffer through to support my now ex-boyfriend's ailing music career. It seems his time management skills suck almost as badly as his music, because I found him in my bedroom, licking whipped cream off my step-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 735

You deserved it 4 538

09/08/2014 19:29

Spicy

Today, I heard my sister gagging in her room. She was doing it quietly, and I got pretty concerned, after hearing a lot about bulimia recently. I knocked, then heard a gasp, so I let myself in, only to see her on her knees and her boyfriend with his underwear around his ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 374

You deserved it 24 447

13/05/2016 07:33

Today, I spent eight hours cutting, curing, and aligning on the racks, six months worth of beef to be dried for some tasty jerky, only to find out my dehydrator is broken beyond repair, and would cost as much to fix as the soon-to-spoil meat that I bought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 396

You deserved it 1 887

24/11/2014 12:40

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 120

You deserved it 4 402

04/02/2013 05:15

Today, I was dragged to a Super Bowl party. While there, the host's kid threw 3 cups of apple sauce at my feet, which then exploded and covered my jeans. 10 minutes later, the host's wife announced that she was pregnant with twins. All I could come up with was, "You're making more!?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 683

You deserved it 6 492

27/06/2016 22:49

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 070

You deserved it 1 042

30/03/2012 14:42

Today, I got on the train with my bike, leaning it up against the wall. After a while, it began to slide down the wall and wobble, so I dashed out to catch it. As I ran for it, I slipped and crashed into it, knocking it into an old man and busting the rear brake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 235

You deserved it 4 882

28/04/2018 01:30

Today, I spent 900 dollars on a ticket for my boyfriend to visit me and he missed the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 541

27/08/2017 13:00

Today, I was grocery shopping with my older sister. An elderly couple passed, and the man pointed to my sister, saying, "She LOVES to eat." My sister is 7 months pregnant, and I had to spend the next hour comforting her as she bawled her eyes out because of an off-hand comment from a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 015

You deserved it 283

15/10/2009 03:18

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 666

You deserved it 2 075

03/11/2012 10:02

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 415

You deserved it 3 451

11/01/2013 19:47

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 3 015

Booze don't cure the blues

By Anonymous - 18/02/2021 07:58

Today, it was my birthday, and even the person who seemed excited about me finally turning 21 and can legally drink forgot. Guess who got drunk alone tonight? This guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 732

You deserved it 128

24/10/2010 17:11

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend making breakfast. I thought he was making it for me, so I sat at the table. When he walked over with his plate, he said, "Oh, I didn't know you were here!" I'd slept in the same bed with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 340

You deserved it 4 518

04/06/2011 11:35

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend's band has become quite popular on YouTube. My friends and sister won't stop singing their songs. Most of them were written after I dumped him, and go on to say how much better off he is without me and how horrible I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 308

You deserved it 23 505

And next on The Voice…

By Anonymous - 14/05/2019 22:00

Today, I found out I have a bad singing voice. How? The choir judge decided to yell "STOP! Please just stop!" During my solo. In front of everyone. During the show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 232

29/05/2012 10:19

Today, I went to my first ever job interview, in a totally stressed out state. The employer's first question was: "What's your name?" I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 768

You deserved it 9 896

30/08/2011 16:45

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 977

You deserved it 3 860

29/08/2019 14:00

Today, my brother spent the whole day making a harpoon out of an old Tiki torch to bring on vacation with us to Sauble Beach, and he plans on using this contraption. On the beach. With all of us there to watch. He's 17 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 184

Workout

By Demitrius_T - 19/03/2021 07:01

Today, after noticing weight gain, I purchased an ab belt. Despite no gym for around a year now, I assumed I could easily sustain an advanced level workout and put the belt on maximum strength. The first shock catapulted me off my feet and smacked my head into the wall, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 268

You deserved it 1 169

03/12/2014 21:21

Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 072

You deserved it 3 769

21/02/2010 01:53

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 993

You deserved it 32 651

06/11/2017 12:00

Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 356

You deserved it 366

06/07/2009 19:21

Spicy

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 059

You deserved it 7 228

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

By maystar - 26/05/2018 15:00

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 809

You deserved it 292

28/04/2013 03:25

Today, my friend made me go on a carnival ride. The whole time, I complained that I was going to puke. I didn't, though. She did, all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 409

You deserved it 6 120

05/06/2016 13:16

Today, I got my own row on an almost full transatlantic flight. All it took was having food poisoning two hours into the flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 413

You deserved it 966

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:17

Dump Herrrrrrr.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:27

Harsh. As for the dude being gay, I'm sure if the OP and his GF were together for a period of time he'd have met her friends (including the gay friend). Otherwise I'd talk to her, find out who he is and then probably dump her. I would never be naked around my girl friends since I have a girlfriend and that would be disrespectful. I guess the best course of action would be to figure out who Kevin is (gay or not). If he isn't then find a cute girl friend and then find a situation where you could be naked and hopefully when your girlfriend texts you you can use the same line against her. That's the best way to mindfuck someone. Use the same situation against them so they can walk in your shoes for a while. That way if she dumps your or gets mad at you then you have an excuse to tell her what you really think of the situation she was in. And if she was "joking" about a guy being over there that's just wrong in general and definitely not something you'd do to someone you supposedly love.

Comments

sawdy 0

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:12

That sucks

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Sunday 14 February 2010 13:57

he probably wanted to fap. lol

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Friday 21 May 2010 5:37

maby it isn't who you think it is, maby it's her gay friend, or a woman named Kevin (I've heard worse) or maby even her brother don't assume what you don't know, that tends to end good relationships

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Thursday 5 August 2010 18:23

your girlfriend is a whore.. no wait a DUMB whore

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 2:41

umm. who in the world would tan naked with their brother?! ewwy.

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Saturday 4 May 2013 18:52

Or maybe she's just joking...

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Saturday 26 July 2014 20:51

#127 It's actually normal for many people I know. They just have a close enough relationship to not find it weird. Though I do doubt her brother was sitting watching her tan. And #120... what

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:17

lol. join em. threesomes are fun.

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Monday 21 March 2011 23:47

I hope Kevin in gay for the OP's sake.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:17

Dump Herrrrrrr.

teotsi 28

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Saturday 31 May 2014 21:02

Maybe she refers to a pet or sth? Like she has a cat she calls Kevin...

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:20

or just play it off like a joke, some girls have sense of humors too. and if they are at a tanning bed she will be naked, and he may be gay. if it is at her house then maybe there is more to it and you could have something to be upset about

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:25

Hahaha, sucks for you. But, maybe Kevin is gay? You never know.

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Thursday 7 July 2011 6:03

does it really matter shes with another guy I would be pissed if he was gay or not

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:25

is he gay? does your girlfriend own a tanning bed? im confused.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:27

Harsh. As for the dude being gay, I'm sure if the OP and his GF were together for a period of time he'd have met her friends (including the gay friend). Otherwise I'd talk to her, find out who he is and then probably dump her. I would never be naked around my girl friends since I have a girlfriend and that would be disrespectful. I guess the best course of action would be to figure out who Kevin is (gay or not). If he isn't then find a cute girl friend and then find a situation where you could be naked and hopefully when your girlfriend texts you you can use the same line against her. That's the best way to mindfuck someone. Use the same situation against them so they can walk in your shoes for a while. That way if she dumps your or gets mad at you then you have an excuse to tell her what you really think of the situation she was in. And if she was "joking" about a guy being over there that's just wrong in general and definitely not something you'd do to someone you supposedly love.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:28

It's probably a joke, why else would she TELL you that she was naked with another guy?

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Thursday 13 March 2014 8:23

True, true.

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:29

Lmao, you poor guy. Can you imagine what she does that she doesn't tell you? Unless it was a joke, like #8 said.

King_of_Kings 3

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Sunday 5 April 2009 16:29

DUMP HER!