Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous...

By duko3000 - 6/6/2010 17:36 - Canada

Today, I found out the reason I can't get a job. My previous employer didn't know my name, so when places I applied to called there for a reference, my boss said he had no recollection of me working there. FML

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Work

Mind your own beeswax

Trust

Healthy relationship

By Anonymous - 24/6/2018 15:00

Today, I was training a new volunteer at a clothing donation center. While explaining how to sort donations, I reached into a garbage bag full of clothes and something on my hand caught my eye. It was a bed bug. The bag was full of them and they sought refuge up my arm. FML

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By ugly - 3/9/2012 08:17 - United States

Today, I attended my 10-year high school reunion. My ex-husband's new wife showed up in the same dress as mine. I guess both the dress and my ex-husband look better on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:08 - United States - Bloomdale

Today, my husband and I switched phones by accident. I've already received several naked pictures from one of his co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2010 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out my parents are getting divorced. They're fighting over the dog instead of my sister and me. FML

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By bucktooth - 26/4/2012 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By Eres - 11/2/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, my mom took away my medication. She's afraid I'll get "hooked". The medication is anti-anxiety pills. I have horrible anxiety attacks that sometimes cause me to scratch my arms until they bleed. FML

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By OhPleaseNo - 7/4/2020 14:00 - OhPleaseNo

We could be heroes

Today, I was at work at my local hospital. I went to the toilet to empty my bladder; the door was half open so I assumed it was empty. Upon opening the door, I was greeted with a half naked old man, who then yelled at me and violently shat himself, all over the walls and floor. FML

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By Numbnuts - 8/3/2010 03:08 - United States

Today, I was really bored and decided to annoy my mom while she was doing the dishes. I walked up behind her, touched her shoulder, and said "Poke". She then donkey kicks me straight in the nuts saying "Kick". I know now to never bug my mom when she's in a bad mood. FML

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By Taylor Easley - 17/3/2012 04:53 - United States

Today, my mom was put in jail for beating the shit out of my dad. FML

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By Halloween Fail - 1/11/2014 03:59 - United States - Braidwood

Today, I went to a Halloween party dressed in Charlie Brown's ghost costume, a white sheet with holes all over. I got beat up for dressing like a member of the KKK. FML

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By bribreeeeeezyfreshhh - 6/12/2010 17:03 - United Kingdom

Today, my grandmother told me to say "sofa king retarded" really fast. Not only did it take me several attempts to figure out what it meant, I'm now grounded by my mother for having a foul mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2012 16:13 - United States

Today, I got a root canal. It wouldn't have been that bad if the dentist hadn't performed it on the wrong tooth. FML

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By Dweeb - 2/10/2019 18:00

WOOF!

Today, I ran into a parked car and fell into the gutter. All because a dog suddenly barked at me. From the other side of a wooden fence. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 17/5/2019 01:59

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By innocent cat lady - 7/7/2015 18:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend freaked out at me because he found a couple of orange hairs in my bed and he knows my ex is a redhead. He also knows I have two orange cats. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2009 23:49 - Canada

Today, I got a new cell phone. I was texting pictures from my old phone to my new one, including several dirty ones, when I noticed I wasn't receiving any of them on the new phone. I was texting the wrong number. FML

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By hoboman - 2/9/2009 15:12 - United States

Today, I was turned down from my dream job at a graphic design firm. Before the interview, concerned about my hobo style would not impress the company, I shaved, cut my long hair, and even bought a suit. They said I wasn't "free-spirited and creative enough." FML

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By uneek_3225 - 22/10/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I met his mother for lunch to discuss wedding plans. When we got there, I went to the bathroom to wash my hands. I heard a woman talking on her cell phone in the stall about her son's "disgusting, slutty girlfriend." The toilet flushed and my future mother-in-law walked out. FML

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By KillahCam - 26/1/2010 00:15 - United States

Today, my ten year-old brother told me that his thirteen year-old friend took one of my bras and two pairs of my underwear a few weeks ago. Apparently he took them out of my room, put them on, and has been sleeping with them ever since. He's coming to give them back tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, my house got robbed. They left a note: "Next time, we steal your souls." FML

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By lonely_island - 28/4/2014 21:27 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, I finally worked up the guts to add the guy I like on Facebook. To make it less obvious, I added 15 other people as well. Everyone added me back, except him. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2012 18:39 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend discovered how to make me queef on demand when he has his fingers inside me. I now feel like my love life has been replaced with fart sounds. FML

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By S to the HIT - 8/4/2015 16:08 - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

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By Webmonkey - 8/1/2009 13:30 - United States

Today, I turned around in my cubicle to see the entire marketing department (myself excluded) getting ready to have lunch together. Nobody mentioned it to me. FML

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By whoknows?! - 5/2/2010 21:18 - France

Today, I decided to change my boyfriend's background on his phone. As I was in the process of changing it, I noticed his most recent picture is of a naked girl. The naked girl happens to be my 18 year old sister. FML

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By painedandpissed - 10/8/2014 16:42 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I called my boyfriend and invited him over to watch a movie. He was all for it, until I mentioned I was on my period, at which point he said "NOPE." and hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 14:26 - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

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By Noname - 16/1/2009 17:31 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend struck up a conversation about the reproductive systems of seahorses. We were getting intimate at the time. FML

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By KaraAnn17 - 12/2/2011 16:29 - United States

Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML

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By Dani - 12/1/2012 10:35 - Australia

Today, I happened to make eye contact with a stranger standing on a balcony of the apartment building across the train tracks from mine. He ran his finger across his neck like a knife and winked at me. I'm afraid to go out again. FML

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By grrrrrr - 19/2/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, I grounded my daughter for putting play doh in the toaster. She's 17 and got into Columbia early admissions. FML

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By FathersDay - 22/6/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

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By thisbethed - 2/11/2015 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

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By Adam Gordon - 30/3/2017 14:00

Today, I received a Snapchat of a horse-drawn carriage version of a hearse. I replied, "That's so extra!" because I thought it was finals week at her school. Turns out, she's at her uncle's funeral. He was an officer in the Air Force and there's going to be a 21-gun salute in his honor. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/2/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By Xena - 25/8/2017 04:30

Today, I was at our hotel waiting for my husband to finish his shower so we could have our anniversary dinner, when hotel security forcefully removed me from the building because they do not allow "prostitutes" to look for clients on their property. They thought I was a hooker. FML

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By Ape - 17/12/2012 23:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend grabbed my boob, shook it savagely, and shouted "Earthquake!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 00:10 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I decided to conquer my fear of blades, and tried shaving my legs with a razor. I sat on the side of my bathtub and wet my legs, but some of the water splashed. I slipped on it and fell back, hitting my head on the tile wall and slicing my leg open at the same time. FML

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By jaeilssanguh - 26/11/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was walking in rain. I had my hands in my pants pockets, so that the front of the jacket was pointing down. Halfway to Taco Bell, my crotch felt exceptionally wet. I looked down to see a wet spot. The rain on my jacket was channeled to my crotch. FML

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Top comments

By Boon_fml | 0

#1021915 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:20

You kind of deserve it.... I'm pretty sure you're supposed to ask someone if they will give you a reference before you put them down for one, so that way they have some notice and aren't surprised when a potential employer calls them.

By 101393101393 | 0

#1021914 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:17

Start a new life and call yourself "Pete 'O Grande." Get it Spanish-speaking people? Har har har.

COMMENTS

By gotdapowa | 0

#1021895 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:04

first! XD

Fml37 | 0

#1021896 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:04

7373683934th!

mylifeblows3232 | 3

#1021899 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:05

ur mom

SciGuy013 | 0

#1021901 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:06

That sucks op. there's not much you can do about that.

AbnormalAshley | 0

#1021903 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:07

gjcjh?!?)?

phreshboi | 1

#1021904 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:08

hahaha that's funny take him off the reference sheet then

AbnormalAshley | 0

#1021905 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:09

Oh and uh that sucks

FML_Leet | 0

#1021909 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:13

It's called by more Social so people can remember you....

Vanni | 0

#1021916 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:20

Here's a novel idea. Follow the rules!

Vanni | 0

#1021935 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:33

I didn't misspell anything, seeing as how I didn't write that.

I don't know why you would announce to a moderator that you came back after being banned, seeing as how that defeats the purpose of our ban.

seanreddog | 4

#1021942 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:46

Talk to to corporate (like a boss)
Approve memos (like a boss)
Lead a workshop (like a boss)
Remember birthdays (like a boss)
Forget employees (like a boss)!!!!!!

kurrri | 0

#1021958 - Monday 7 June 2010 0:07

When applying for a job there is usually a place asking you to list your previous employers. He never said he listed his boss under reference.. I'm 16 and have only filled out two applications and I even know that.

ticklemechantell | 0

#1021964 - Monday 7 June 2010 0:22

35, haaaa =) that made my day

jacketfootball | 0

#1022093 - Monday 7 June 2010 2:04

that song kicks ass

pseudolife | 4

#1022213 - Monday 7 June 2010 3:54

#7 has a point. YDI for not informing your former employer that you were using them as a reference.

NiZmO_Z32 | 0

#1022335 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:24

Way to make an impression.

omgurkidding27 | 0

#1022721 - Monday 7 June 2010 10:42

The first comment was removed so I'm not thread jacking.

Oh and this comment is so late no one will give a shit.

By dax002 | 0

#1021900 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:05

you must ghave made a big impression on your old boss!!!

wreckem881 | 0

#1021937 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:36

sue your boss for everything he's got! lol

By hobozrule | 4

#1021908 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:12

sucks

By x_Elle_x | 0

#1021911 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:14

Depends on how long you worked there and if it was a big place with a lot of staff.

By HoesInaBox | 0

#1021912 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:14

YDI, how did you ever expect to get a promotion if you're a ghost to everyone else!?

By 101393101393 | 0

#1021914 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:17

Start a new life and call yourself "Pete 'O Grande." Get it Spanish-speaking people? Har har har.

HoesInaBox | 0

#1021921 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:24

That must be the long lost Spanish brother of Dixie Normus :D

fawfulster | 11

#1023468 - Tuesday 8 June 2010 4:12

Explanation: Pete O'Grande = Pito grande = Spanish for big dick

By Boon_fml | 0

#1021915 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:20

By Namenlos_fml | 20

#1021924 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:28

Well, on the bright side, now you know the problem that needs to be fixed.

By Xavi89 | 0

#1021926 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:28

hahaha

By Stevefett | 0

#1021927 - Sunday 6 June 2010 23:29

11- Maybe they were so inconsequential that he never knew that OP worked there. Like maybe someone else hired them and the manager never really knew them. God I'm weird.