Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a...

By LostSoul

Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML

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Messed up

This ain't working out

Reliable

Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By nevaagain - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I saw a cute guy at the coffee shop reading a book. Wanting to be friendly, I smiled as I approached and asked what he was reading. He returned the smile and said, "Minding your damn business, by Fuck Off." FML

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By acnebutt - United States

Today, thanks to my peripheral vision and a dropped mirror, I realized that I have horrible acne on my ass. FML

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29533

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By shibs - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I spent the only money I had left for lunch only to take two bites before a seagull snatched my burger from my hands. I had to shamefully start walking back to work with a pair of girls laughing at me and an empty stomach. FML

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By happy birthday to me - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

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By Anna

Today, I went into a gynecology appointment to find out my IUD had apparently fallen out without me knowing. What tipped me off? My pregnancy test. FML

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By dickofbrokendreams - United States - Waynesville

Today, I discovered that my fiancé consistently thinks about his fear of breaking his penis while we have sex. He's afraid to have sex with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy rang my doorbell, yelled "Happy Halloween" and then threw a bunch of leaves that he'd lit on fire at me. FML

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By moodyreallyrocks - United States

Today, my friend took me and a bunch of other guys out to a nice dinner. This was his way to say thank you for helping him move to a new apartment. He got the cheque, excused himself to go to the restroom and never came back to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By t-dawg - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had my girlfriend over and we were hugging when she put her feet on my feet. We started walking around like that and I said, "This is hard to maintain." She replied with "So's your erection." FML

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By mrjude

Whiner!

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

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By Lilie - France

Today, my sweetheart came round to drop off some underwear which I'd left at his house. Not all of what he brought was mine. FML

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31260

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By ninnang - United States - Honolulu

Today, my boss delivered some flowers and a sympathy card signed by everyone in the office to my cubicle. The card said, "Sorry your mom died". My mom isn't dead. I don't know where they got the idea from and no one believes me. They said that denial is part of grieving. FML

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48942

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By MrMagicMan000 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air and thought to myself "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of my bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML

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47182

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

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34048

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By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

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1273

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By WTF

Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML

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By Shamu - United States

Today, I was talking to my parents about feeling insecure with my "beach body" as Spring Break keeps getting closer and closer. My dad warned me by saying, "Don't wear a gray swimsuit. People will try to roll you back into the ocean". FML

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By tittyboomboom - Australia

Today, I was taking the train home from another unsuccessful job interview. As I was sitting there, I felt the urge to yawn, but before I could raise my hand to cover my mouth some guy stuck his finger in it. FML

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By johnboy - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

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By Xibalba - 1/9/2020 14:02

F*** my overweight life

Today, my 5-year-old daughter drew a picture of our family. A typical drawing for a 5-year-old. Sticks and straws. One had two round shapes on its chest. "Is that mommy and is that one me?" I asked. "No daddy," she said. "You’re this one," she said while pointing out the one with boobs. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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22590

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By no - United States - Worcester

Today, someone in my class referred to the September 11th attacks as "Nine-Elevs". FML

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40078

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By qtpieo1 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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41399

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By - United States

Today, I went to a party with a friend. All I remember is passing out on the couch. About 10 minutes ago I was woken up by a bucket of cold water and thrown out by the guy who lives there. I'm still dripping and very cold, and I have no idea where the hell I am. FML

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20555

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By Anonymous

Today, I was cleaning the litter box and found a large clump. I later found my 3-year-old peeing there instead of in the toilet. FML

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4671

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By gassy - United States

Today, I had my new boyfriend come over. Within five minutes of him arriving, I accidentally let one rip. Shocked, I quickly tried to explain it away with, "That was my shoe." I was barefoot. FML

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15116

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By Jo - United States

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some loser's car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML

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By teeeessst - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

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27788

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By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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25126

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By stupidsantaclaus - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my friend, when my four year old nephew came in, asking who I was talking to. I told him it was Santa Claus, so he insisted on talking to him. I handed over the phone and I hear, "Santa is fake. Grow up." I spent the next two hours with a screaming child proving Santa exists. FML

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By vicgal - Canada

Today, while having sex I realized two things. First, I can't remember the last time my boyfriend gave me an orgasm, and secondly I think the curtains slightly clash with the duvet cover. I was more annoyed with the second one. FML

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49880

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

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50327

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By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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53692

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

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18710

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By cdn_steed - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

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Top comments

By ajh1800 | 25

#7817289 - Monday 1 July 2019 22:38

Well? Are you gonna tell us why or not??

By Late For Breakfast | 19

#7817305 - Monday 1 July 2019 23:34

They shrink

COMMENTS

By ajh1800 | 25

#7817289 - Monday 1 July 2019 22:38

Well? Are you gonna tell us why or not??

Late For Breakfast | 19

#7817305 - Monday 1 July 2019 23:34

They shrink

LostSoul | 19

#7819393 - Tuesday 9 July 2019 2:28

Wet hot leather shoes smell like something died.

By ViviMage | 38

#7817671 - Wednesday 3 July 2019 7:12

Poor unfortunate soles!

evilplatypus | 38

#7817857 - Wednesday 3 July 2019 17:02

In pain!
In need...