Content warning

Today, I walked into the dining room to find my mom popping pimples on my dad's back. FML

Today, I woke up to my five year old son picking off the scabs from his chicken pox and dropping them into my open mouth as I slept. FML

Proof

Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML

No fun allowed in the kitchen area

Today, I was making egg salad for the week's lunches and told my son to come help. When we started peeling the eggs, he thought it was funny to roll them off the counter and ruin them. I shouted at him for being disrespectful and wasteful, and my wife screamed at me that, "He's just a little boy!" FML

Hair-raising

Today, while at a restaurant, I watched in horror as my daughter picked a hair out of her food and continued eating it. FML

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

The trail

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

Never again

Today, I gave my kid some Pop Rocks. He shoveled a handful in his mouth, then screamed when they started popping and spat them all over the carpet. FML

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML