Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked... - FML

By Username - 2/8/2011 06:46 - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

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Dangling modifier

Season finale

Great speech, thanks!

By Anonymous - 12/9/2009 21:26 - United States

Today, I went on a romantic date to the mountains to look a stars with a boy I had just met. We started kissing and he stopped, asking if it was rude for him to take me home now. After getting dropped off, he texted me saying we could never do that again and we should never talk about it. FML

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By mcase - 31/7/2012 05:36 - United States - Compton

Today, my 17-year-old daughter's friend told her that superglue works well as lip gloss. She tried it. FML

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By Jason the flasher - 15/9/2018 22:00

Today, I went to a party that my friends were throwing. I had a great time and got blackout drunk. I woke up to videos from my girlfriend from last night. At some point I'd managed to take off my shorts and boxers and spent the rest of the party naked from the waist down. FML

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By left alone - 29/8/2016 12:46 - United States - Schenectady

Today, the client that hired us for cleaning cancelled her contract because I was seen "holding a broom backwards." I'm left-handed. FML

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By Tokany - 28/4/2011 19:29 - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 20:08 - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By unfortunate - 9/6/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

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By - 18/11/2019 20:00

Hopeless

Today, my wife of 2 years told me she was pregnant, after we've been trying for ages. Excited, about to call my parents, then, my wife told me, "Don't get your hopes up it might not be yours, the father could be 5 other guys." And then asked me what I'd like for dinner. FML

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By what434 - 8/3/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

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By Immaculatedream - 27/7/2013 07:56 - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 4 perfectly happy years together. The reason? He had a dream in which his dead former girlfriend from when he was 13 told him she still loved him. He now believes his dead childhood sweetheart is trying to contact him and I'm "in the way of their love." FML

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By unicorn - 12/6/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I went on a date with my boyfriend. Suddenly he starts speaking gibberish. I ask what's wrong? He says, "I was just talking to my unicorn. He says you're pretty," and winks at me. What have we learned today? The person I like is a freak, and apparently unicorns are real. FML

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By shitty situation - 28/1/2013 23:02 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend came over for a family brunch, during which he told my mother, in vivid detail, how he gets the shits whenever he eats kale chips. FML

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By Jen - 20/3/2012 05:11 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By Knittedbirch - 14/11/2016 02:36

Today, my mom volunteered me to house-sit for one of her friends. This lady has texted me over ten times in less than 24 hours, called me unreasonable for not dropping jury duty to meet with her, and has messaged my mom multiple times to complain about me. My mom already said I would do this for free. FML

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By jennlikewhoa - 18/7/2011 10:07 - United States

Today, I got robbed at the gas station I work at. After only getting $38 dollars out the register, the guy then steals my purse. It had my rent money in it. FML

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By Nick - 6/8/2013 14:44 - Australia - Baulkham Hills

Today, I dragged myself to work, suffering from a bad cold. My boss quietly told me to go home and rest, to avoid spreading it around the office. I thought it odd since he dislikes me so much, but I did as he said. He called later in the day to suspend me for leaving work early. FML

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By ellisp1 - 4/7/2017 22:10

Today, my family was going to go out on a boat to celebrate Independence Day. We agreed we'd be at the marina by 11:45 AM. It's currently 1:45 PM and half of the family is still asleep while two are nursing hangovers. FML

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By brokenrelicslost - 8/1/2010 20:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have completely fallen for this incredible guy, and that I am really looking forward to where our relationship will take us. He just informed me that he will be doing jail time following his court date Tuesday. FML

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By I should have kept my mouth shut - 23/1/2013 01:35 - United States - Davis

Today, I was talking to my grandma and I mentioned the fact that tomatoes are technically fruit. It's been an hour and she's still yelling, accusing me of lying to her. FML

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By blehhh - 4/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I went to see my gynecologist. She was writing my symptoms up in my chart on her computer. After a little while, I noticed that she had a confused look on her face and was reading something instead. When I took a peek at the computer screen, I saw that she was Googling my symptoms. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, I decided to dress up a little to go out to the bar. I put on a nice shirt, some leggings and heels. When I walked out the door my dad said that I looked like a whore. When I got to my boyfriends house I told him what my dad had said and he replied "I'd have to agree with him." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2013 11:26 - United States - North Easton

Today, my sister-in-law pooped with the bathroom door open until my husband had to tell her to close it, then she came out with unwashed hands and started rooting through the cookies. This isn't even the most unhygienic thing she's done today. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 03:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my neighbors. Their 5 year-old had finally fallen asleep at 11 after two hours of stories and songs. No sooner had I tip toed out of the room did I realize that my cell phone had dropped out of my pocket onto the bed. It was ringing. It was their mother checking in. FML

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By TabbyCat87 - 13/1/2016 00:16 - United States - Lamar

Today, my mom informed me she got married two weeks ago. Hard to congratulate her when this is her eighth husband. FML

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By GrossedOut - 11/1/2012 07:47 - United States

Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, a mother wrote me a $130 check for babysitting her four kids for a few hours. Trying to be gracious, I said, "Wow, thank you, this is very generous!" She thought for a minute, then said, "You're right." She took the check back, ripped it up, and wrote me a new one for $55. FML

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By mybad - 11/9/2014 03:57 - United States

Today, at work, a midget came in to buy beer. Not only was he almost as tall as me, he got offended when I had to card him and explain that the manager told me to card everyone, and that it wasn't because he was short. FML

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By jdrew32 - 4/2/2013 02:17 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, after nearly 5 months of trying for a baby, I found out my wife has continued to take the pill as it gave her a better idea of her cycle and thus when she'd be "most fertile". FML

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By bablessinbedsty - 5/5/2017 14:45

Today, I announced to my fiance that I was pregnant with twins. He immediately called off the engagement, furious at me because we "agreed to only have one child". Sorry my embryo decided to split in two. FML

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By Light Sleeper - 14/10/2012 04:24 - United States - Evansville

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend trying to initiate sex with me in my sleep. He confessed to thinking that if he did it lightly enough, I'd think I was just dreaming. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2016 19:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend is mad at me for causing him to fail a science test. Apparently he thought I was serious when I told him that homo sapiens were extinct because they were "homo". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2010 14:20 - Israel

Today, after months of searching I finally got a job interview. Too bad I didn't have enough money to buy a bus ticket to get there. FML

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By Larry - 31/1/2009 18:20 - United States

Today, I am sick with a cold and I go to the most important interview of my life. A giant glob of wet snot comes out of my nose when I am expressing my desire to join their team. FML

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By me - 1/5/2011 16:31 - United States

Today, the tree that my neighbors have neglected to cut down fell on my car. They claim that by law, they aren't responsible and don't have to pay for it. FML

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By MafiaWarsWidow - 5/2/2010 01:35 - Australia

Today, I was on the phone to my boyfriend in England. I live in Australia. What did he talk about for 15 minutes straight? Mafia Wars on Facebook and how far he had got. FML

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By thatonekid - 27/7/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

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By Jaymail - 17/5/2020 17:00

You snooze, you lose

Today, I saw some really nice dining room chairs sitting out on the curb waiting for the garbage man. I went to the door to ask the owners why they were throwing them out. They told me it was because they had just bought new furniture. While I was talking to the owner, somebody else picked them up. FML

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By Ah hell - 31/1/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

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By haha - 4/9/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

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By spiderinmylips - 24/6/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was laying out in my backyard trying to get some color, when I felt a little tickle on my lips. I rubbed them together to satisfy the itch, when I felt a sort of crunchish popping between them. I had crushed a spider between my lips and its legs were still moving. FML

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Top comments

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

COMMENTS

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

Reply

Nanall | 15

#3022437 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:06

Great bonding opportunity.

Reply

sarabraun8 | 7

#3022439 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

that'd be embarrassing!

Reply

tatababe | 0

#3022444 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

Male prostitute??(

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3022455 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:10

If you want that kind of stuff 8, go to

www.lemonparty.org

You'll not regret, I guarentee you that!

Reply

zbajis | 7

#3022483 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:17

he deserves a #1 grandpa mug!

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3022553 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:45

What kind of world is this where we're expected to put on clothes every time we leave the house?! C'mon, it's summer :D

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3022583 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:53

Maybe he's a nudist. You gotta respect that. :)

Reply

SirObvious | 1

#3022700 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:10

wouldn't you?

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3022997 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:05

maybe he was hot?

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3023136 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:31

It must be my birthday!

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3023261 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:04

that's just icing on the cake, and i'm pretty sure OP would like to blow the candles out! :P

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3024264 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:07

Is it just me or is fml getting an influx of stories involving nude grandparents

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3026392 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:21

Lol dolphin. The baby boomer generation is plotting a nudist take over.

Reply

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#3027177 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:03

funny uncle=0 funny grandpa=1

Reply

penguinsniper822 | 4

#4947403 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:59

Come on join him in the fun!

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022425 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

That sucks

Reply

musicfreak9821 | 6

#3022521 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:32

that sucks ass

Reply

BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3022641 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:03

It doesn't suck! IT ROCKS! OP has a crazy awesome grandpa!

Reply

getviolated | 5

#3022735 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:13

I bet it's his walk of shame back from his hoes' houses

Reply

Youdrongo | 0

#3023183 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:40

Not the walk of shame, the walk of pride. Go grandpa!

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#3022560 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:48

Your pic goes perfectly with your comment

Reply

BraBrando | 0

#3022743 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:14

Indeed, I shit myself laughing.

Reply

mattmadden | 0

#3022954 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:00

His picture goes perfectly with almost every comment he says...

Reply

BADDiam | 4

#3025901 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

i know xD

By bluebell707 | 13

#3022435 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:05

What a beautiful sight. :/
At least it's dark.

By birdofparadise | 16

#3022441 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

Soooo...what is he really doing, besides just walking around????

By sammybearbby | 6

#3022449 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

awh haha that would be scary, let's hope your friends don't find out it's your grandpa

By joooeee | 3

#3022463 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:11

Even worse for everyone else if the sleepwalker is a daywalker

By lilmamiyankee67 | 5

#3022471 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

lmao, nice

By MrSexyPants | 14

#3022472 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Flaunt what you've got. Learn from him, grasshopper.

Reply

fuckmrsoftee | 0

#3022906 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:47

your picture is one of my favorite wallpapers for my ipod: it stands out in the best way possible.

By Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3022475 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Grandpa has some fly