Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked... - FML

By Username - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

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You tried

Commando

Life of Brian

By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I overheard my boyfriend admitting that he's only dating me because having me around "sucks a bit less than fucking my own hand". FML

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By samantha711 - United States

Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 23:01

Thanks, great feedback everyone!

Today, after years of not meeting my partner's family, along with the new arrival of our daughter, we decided to travel to meet them all and introduce our bundle of joy. Instead of the usual welcoming committee, all they could go on about was whether or not my daughter was his because of how fair toned she is. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, while on a crowded public bus, a cute girl asked if she could sit next to me. Problem is, I didn't hear correctly and thought she asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I answered no, causing her to walk off angrily and earning me several disgusted stares from other passengers. FML

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By BlueyedKat - United States - Huntsville

Today, I gave a presentation to a class of 70+ people. No one bothered to tell me my fly was unzipped. No wonder they were all smiling. FML

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By obnum - United States

Today, I met my new girlfriend at her house for the very first time. And her 17 cats, whose names all begin with the letter "K", because they're all "kewl kats." FML

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By imawesomeokay - Mexico - Zapopan

Today, I went to watch a movie. In the middle of it, I accidentally fell asleep. Minutes later, I awoke on a stranger's shoulder. He was caressing my hair. FML

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By AbandonedHouseWife - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I woke up and found a little note where my husband should have been. It said, "We've had some good times, hun, but it's time for me to move on." We've been married for 15 years, and have 3 children. FML

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By frenchpie - Korea Republic of

Today, the guy I liked came over for dinner with some friends. One of them asked him if we were dating, he became so distraught he started to choke on the food I had made, in his haste to tell them that in no uncertain terms, were we together. FML

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By i believe in shaq - United States - Muskegon

Today, my husband announced that he was fed up with us being known as the neighborhood slobs, and prepared to take down all the Christmas decorations still up from last year. He then decided it was too much effort, and that he'd leave them up to give us a three month head-start. FML

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By thafinest - United States

Thanks, "Mom"

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

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By Dreamer - United States - Castro Valley

Today, I'm going to court to give an eyewitness account of a robbery. Unfortunately, I had a wacky dream last night concerning the robbery, and no longer have any idea of what actually happened in real life. FML

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By Ellie - United States - Mission

Today, I dreamt that I beat someone up for using Comic Sans in a project. Now I can't look at him without being irrationally angry. FML

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By Broon - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, on the brink of a stiflingly hot summer, I've come to a terrible realisation. It seems the apartment I've just moved into has been specially insulated to trap enough heat inside for the occupants to survive the planet's next Ice Age. FML

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By happyeffingbday202 - United States

Today, was my 16th birthday. Needless to say, I was delighted when my friends presented me with a birthday card in a homeroom. I pretended to be surprised and exclaimed, "Aw, you guys really shouldn't have!" They didn't. It was our teacher's birthday. They just wanted me to sign the card. FML

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By How's the salmon? - United States

Today, my drunken mother shouted to me at the top of her lungs, "All men are fucking assholes, and your new husband is no different!" during our wedding reception. All he did was ask her how she liked the salmon. FML

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By MikeA

Today, I used Siri to text my VP asking for a good time to talk. Siri helpfully changed the text to ask for a "good time to talk my dick" and sent it before I could change it. FML

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By pmek - Australia - Collingwood

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

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By Michelle - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, on my way home, my girlfriend started sexting me, telling me that she was waiting at my house. In my rush to get home to see her, I got pulled over and had to be patted down. He found no weapons, but he did find my stiffy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

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By Loveless

Today, I discovered my girlfriend's secret blog, where all she does is vent about how much she cheats on me and hates me, but will never leave me because she can’t afford to. Her followers love and support these actions. FML

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By julieriis - Denmark - Hals

Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML

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By psychopumpkin - United Kingdom - Boston

Today, I'm so strapped for cash that I smuggled toilet paper out of my mother's house. FML

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By B-Ry

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

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By masterman - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2020 20:01 - Canada

Dried out

Today, after spending $300 replacing a dryer and getting the vents cleaned out when our tenants complained their clothes weren't getting dry, my husband and I realized that it was actually the washing machine that was broken. FML

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By Boyufd - 5/11/2020 17:01

They're not real

Today, my girlfriend, KNOWING I have severe arachnophobia, changed the wallpapers on my phone and tablet to pictures of tarantulas, all because she's mad at me. And she won't change it back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made out with a guy that I had just met at a party. It was my first kiss. I don't know what's worse, the fact that my first kiss is at the age of 23, or the fact that I saw him making out with a different girl later on in the night. FML

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By ally - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I was life guarding at a community pool and noticed a toddler go under water. I quickly jumped in and suddenly got a charlie horse which caused me to stall. When I looked up, I saw an old woman saving him, and got a shoe thrown at my head. I was fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 05:02 - United States - Pittsburgh

Hedging your bets

Today, I realized I've been avoiding a doctor's visit for issues, because it might be less painful to go out that way than to see how much more a crapshoot 2021 would be. FML

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By acneface - United States

Today, my math teacher decided to use my acne as an example of symmetry in front of the whole class. FML

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By bibou2324

Today, during my first day as a doctor’s intern, I attended a consultation. The embarrassed patient asked me to leave. Not really knowing my way around, I went through the first door I could find. By the time I realized it was a closet, I didn’t dare come back out. Twenty minutes is a long time to wait. FML

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By lynnie - United States

Today, I had to come up with a reward system for getting my boyfriend to brush his teeth daily. He's 24. FML

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By GodDaughter - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Anonymous

Jagged Little Pill

Today, my daughter wanted to show me the tooth she had just lost. As I was in a rush to leave for work, I quickly picked up and swallowed my pill that was on the kitchen table. It was only until I looked back down at the table did I see not only my pill, but one extremely angry daughter glaring at me. FML

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By rejected - United States - Charlotte

Today, my girlfriend saw the name "Melissa" on my phone's contact list. After refusing to tell her who it was, she accused me of being a cheater, broke up with me and stormed out of my house. Melissa is the name of a woman from Craigslist who was going to sell me an antique engagement ring. FML

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Top comments

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

COMMENTS

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

Reply

Nanall | 15

#3022437 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:06

Great bonding opportunity.

Reply

sarabraun8 | 7

#3022439 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

that'd be embarrassing!

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3022444 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

Male prostitute??(

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3022455 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:10

If you want that kind of stuff 8, go to

www.lemonparty.org

You'll not regret, I guarentee you that!

Reply

zbajis | 7

#3022483 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:17

he deserves a #1 grandpa mug!

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3022553 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:45

What kind of world is this where we're expected to put on clothes every time we leave the house?! C'mon, it's summer :D

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3022583 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:53

Maybe he's a nudist. You gotta respect that. :)

Reply

SirObvious | 1

#3022700 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:10

wouldn't you?

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3022997 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:05

maybe he was hot?

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3023136 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:31

It must be my birthday!

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3023261 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:04

that's just icing on the cake, and i'm pretty sure OP would like to blow the candles out! :P

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3024264 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:07

Is it just me or is fml getting an influx of stories involving nude grandparents

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3026392 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:21

Lol dolphin. The baby boomer generation is plotting a nudist take over.

Reply

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#3027177 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:03

funny uncle=0 funny grandpa=1

Reply

penguinsniper822 | 4

#4947403 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:59

Come on join him in the fun!

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022425 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

That sucks

Reply

musicfreak9821 | 6

#3022521 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:32

that sucks ass

Reply

BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3022641 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:03

It doesn't suck! IT ROCKS! OP has a crazy awesome grandpa!

Reply

getviolated | 5

#3022735 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:13

I bet it's his walk of shame back from his hoes' houses

Reply

Youdrongo | 0

#3023183 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:40

Not the walk of shame, the walk of pride. Go grandpa!

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#3022560 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:48

Your pic goes perfectly with your comment

Reply

BraBrando | 0

#3022743 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:14

Indeed, I shit myself laughing.

Reply

mattmadden | 0

#3022954 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:00

His picture goes perfectly with almost every comment he says...

Reply

BADDiam | 4

#3025901 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

i know xD

By bluebell707 | 13

#3022435 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:05

What a beautiful sight. :/
At least it's dark.

By birdofparadise | 16

#3022441 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

Soooo...what is he really doing, besides just walking around????

By sammybearbby | 6

#3022449 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

awh haha that would be scary, let's hope your friends don't find out it's your grandpa

By joooeee | 3

#3022463 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:11

Even worse for everyone else if the sleepwalker is a daywalker

By lilmamiyankee67 | 5

#3022471 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

lmao, nice

By MrSexyPants | 14

#3022472 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Flaunt what you've got. Learn from him, grasshopper.

Reply

fuckmrsoftee | 0

#3022906 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:47

your picture is one of my favorite wallpapers for my ipod: it stands out in the best way possible.

By Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3022475 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Grandpa has some fly