Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked... - FML

By Username - United States

Today, I found out that the crazy old man that sleep walks naked around my neighborhood every night is my grandpa. And he's not sleepwalking. FML

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Commando

Kids

Fire hydrant

By kittyjoe - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, my dog started to hump my leg. He always does this and I heard that humping the dog back asserted dominance. Well, I decided to, and I dry humped him back. As I was doing this I said "How do you like that!" And then my mom walked in. FML

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

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By Megan - United States

Today, after my boyfriend promised he wasn't cheating on me, I ran into him at our favorite coffee shop with the girl I suspected him of cheating with. When I confronted them, he acted like he didn't know me. FML

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By squishy - Canada

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who told me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

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By Hungry - United States - Appleton

Today, I got written up at work for clocking back in from lunch early. Yesterday I got a verbal warning for coming back late. I'm scared to go to lunch at all now. FML

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By latter - United States - Middle River

Today, I had to explain to my brother why it's not OK to stick his knob in the toaster. FML

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By fmjob - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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By are you kidding me

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

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By embarrassedmom - United States

Today, my daughter and I were driving home when our truck broke down. A police officer stopped and offered to let me and my two year old sit in his car for the A/C. When we got in, I sat her on my lap, and she pulled down my tank top and screamed "Boobies!" right in front of the officer. FML

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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By scarred4life - Canada

Today, my mom gave me and my brothers each a cd of her recent photoshoot for her book. I found out later that my mom didn't know how to burn only SOME of the photos on the CD, and ended up burning all of the photos onto the CD. Some of the photos were provocative. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, at lunch, I told a bunch of people how I had been in love with this guy since freshman year. I made a bunch of jokes about how I was going to marry him and our kids would be so attractive. He was at the table next to mine and looked back at me as soon as I finished. FML

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By Oops - United States

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

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By oompaloompa

New, from L'Oréal!

Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years called me on Skype while he was taking a crap. Think it's a sign that maybe we've been dating for too long. FML

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By whysheheartless - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. By making out with her new boyfriend in front of me. FML

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By LoveMeMother

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

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By pianoblues - Canada - Thunder Bay

Today, I did a piano audition for a musical. Afterwards, the judge asked if I have experience with percussion, and then told me she was considering me for a percussion part. I guess my piano audition really was THAT bad. FML

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By Dummy - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

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By slickboy0023 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

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By loveless - United States

Today, I surprised my girlfriend with U2 tickets. Still no action. FML

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By stickyface - Canada

Today, I decided to be adventurous and give my boyfriend head in the downstairs tv room. Just as he was about to cum I heard someone walking towards the door. I took my mouth off to get up and lock the door just as he came. Didn't make it to the door but my dad saw something he will never forget. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I found out that my boyfriend isn't gay. Apparently, I just give good head. FML

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By something

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

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By Silbax1 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I overheard my co-workers talking about how they don't need flu shots because everyone else gets them. These people are in the medical industry. FML

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By Charli

Today, after months of my (now ex) boyfriend telling me he wished I was blonde with big boobs, I finally retaliated with "I wish you were a redhead with a big dick, but you don't see me complaining." He cried and said I should love him for who he is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of arguing and conflict, I broke up wIth my fiancé. Or at least, I tried to. The wedding's off, but only until he can convince me to want to marry him again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

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By gr8terevil - United States

Today, the men clearing the walkway outside my dorm room, with a snowblower didn't realize that my window was open. I looked over from my computer to see snow shooting in, covering my clock, closet, and radio. And now it's melting. FML

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By no she wasn't high - United States - Garland

Today, I had to explain to my daughter that just because it says non-toxic on the crayons, it doesn't mean that you should eat them. She's 16. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia

Today, one of my teachers asked me to babysit their kids saturday night. She didn't forget that it was Prom night, she was going to chaperone it. My teacher assumed I wasn't invited to Prom... I wasn't. FML

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By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By HeartToFart - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I just got my windshield fixed due to a rock hitting it off the highway. Just one hour later on my way home, a large stick flew off the back of a landscaping truck. My windshield is cracked again. FML.

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By Scholar - United States

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

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By adam - Czech Republic

Today, my dad is having his midlife crisis and bought a mercedes along with a girlfriend less than half his age. I was trying to be supportive until I found out he is funding his midlife crisis with my university loan. FML

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Top comments

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

COMMENTS

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022424 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Wish i had ur grandpa

Reply

Nanall | 15

#3022437 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:06

Great bonding opportunity.

Reply

sarabraun8 | 7

#3022439 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

that'd be embarrassing!

Reply

tatababe | 1

#3022444 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

Male prostitute??(

Reply

CryMoreFMLs | 14

#3022455 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:10

If you want that kind of stuff 8, go to

www.lemonparty.org

You'll not regret, I guarentee you that!

Reply

zbajis | 7

#3022483 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:17

he deserves a #1 grandpa mug!

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#3022553 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:45

What kind of world is this where we're expected to put on clothes every time we leave the house?! C'mon, it's summer :D

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3022583 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:53

Maybe he's a nudist. You gotta respect that. :)

Reply

SirObvious | 1

#3022700 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:10

wouldn't you?

Reply

VeroAnne | 11

#3022997 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:05

maybe he was hot?

Reply

enonymous | 8

#3023136 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:31

It must be my birthday!

Reply

CattyPurry | 0

#3023261 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 19:04

that's just icing on the cake, and i'm pretty sure OP would like to blow the candles out! :P

Reply

dolphincheddar | 10

#3024264 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 22:07

Is it just me or is fml getting an influx of stories involving nude grandparents

Reply

margie2194 | 12

#3026392 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 3:21

Lol dolphin. The baby boomer generation is plotting a nudist take over.

Reply

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#3027177 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:03

funny uncle=0 funny grandpa=1

Reply

penguinsniper822 | 4

#4947403 - Wednesday 19 September 2012 3:59

Come on join him in the fun!

By 317theterrible | 0

#3022425 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

That sucks

Reply

musicfreak9821 | 6

#3022521 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:32

that sucks ass

Reply

BOOSCAREDU | 0

#3022641 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:03

It doesn't suck! IT ROCKS! OP has a crazy awesome grandpa!

Reply

getviolated | 5

#3022735 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:13

I bet it's his walk of shame back from his hoes' houses

Reply

Youdrongo | 0

#3023183 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:40

Not the walk of shame, the walk of pride. Go grandpa!

By BADDiam | 4

#3022426 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:03

Cool grandpa you have there.

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#3022560 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:48

Your pic goes perfectly with your comment

Reply

BraBrando | 0

#3022743 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:14

Indeed, I shit myself laughing.

Reply

mattmadden | 0

#3022954 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 18:00

His picture goes perfectly with almost every comment he says...

Reply

BADDiam | 4

#3025901 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 1:01

i know xD

By bluebell707 | 13

#3022435 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:05

What a beautiful sight. :/
At least it's dark.

By birdofparadise | 16

#3022441 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:07

Soooo...what is he really doing, besides just walking around????

By sammybearbby | 6

#3022449 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:08

awh haha that would be scary, let's hope your friends don't find out it's your grandpa

By joooeee | 3

#3022463 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:11

Even worse for everyone else if the sleepwalker is a daywalker

By lilmamiyankee67 | 5

#3022471 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

lmao, nice

By MrSexyPants | 14

#3022472 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Flaunt what you've got. Learn from him, grasshopper.

Reply

fuckmrsoftee | 0

#3022906 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 17:47

your picture is one of my favorite wallpapers for my ipod: it stands out in the best way possible.

By Xx_Dakota_xX | 1

#3022475 - Tuesday 2 August 2011 16:14

Grandpa has some fly