Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend... - FML

By z - Greece

Today, I found out my "best friends" have gone on a crazy weekend and they didn't invite me. FML

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Out of it

Cloth ears

Bullshit reason #874

By horribletimeeverywhere74747 - United States - Navarre

Today, the girl who'd asked me to prom told me she assumed we weren't going together and is now going with her friends. After agreeing to go with her, I'd bought a $200 non-refundable suit along with the ticket. I have no one else to go with. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my portfolio manager called me and said he had invested all of my retirement in Circuit City. FML

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By rejected4ever - United States

Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, the girl I've been dating dumped me after she found out I'm originally from Alabama. Apparently she doesn't want to date someone from a "foreign country". We both live in Michigan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was masturbating, and out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure. It was my neighbor staring at me through the window with a total look of disgust. I moved in this weekend and hadn't yet introduced myself to her. FML

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By down trodden - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I came home to find my housemate cowering in the lounge corner, sobbing, hugging a bag of chips while the automatic vacuum cleaner gently bumped into him. Apparently he "mistakenly" put magic mushrooms in his sandwich instead of peanut butter. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I took my daughter on her first visit to the zoo. While we were watching the lemurs, some kid thought it would be funny to start shouting "MONKEY CUNTS" at them at the top of his voice. Now my daughter refuses to stop repeating the same phrase. FML

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By Paige - United Kingdom - Witham

Today, I found out my boyfriend regularly has his ex stay over. They even share a bed. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML

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By Superwoman678 - 27/10/2020 05:01 - Canada

Not a sponsored post, honest

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. This brings me bad news and good news. The bad news, I'm a vegetarian. The good news, I finally know why I've been craving Big Macs for the last two weeks. FML

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By Jeff - United States

Today, I was walking out of a bar when someone grabbed me by the throat, and slammed me against a wall, saying "Stop fooling around with my wife, because next time - I'll kill you." I'm gay and haven't been with a woman since 1985. FML

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By HomeAlone - United States

Today, I went into the bathroom and got angry upon finding that once again, no one had bothered to put on a new roll of toilet paper. And then I remembered that I live alone. FML

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By My Life Is Just PERFECT - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up for me. It was going pretty good, then he said he was going to go out to smoke. 10 minutes went by and he still hadn't come back. I called my friend and she said he doesn't smoke. FML

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By Anonymous

Weirdly specific

Today, I was told by this creeper in my grade who I don't talk to ever that I have the same bra size as Megan Fox. He was right. I have no idea how he knows my bra size. FML

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By norestforthewicked

Today, my family and I discovered that my sleepwalking has escalated into sleep-raiding-the-fridge, after I woke up on my kitchen floor in a puddle of melted ice cream, surrounded by my parents, brother, and dogs. Apparently my recent dieting plans aren't going over too well with my subconscious. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Ninja!

Today, after getting home from my morning run, I found my brand new leather couch with scratches all over it and smelling of cat piss. I don't have a cat. FML

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By Hello my name is - United Kingdom

Today, I went round to my Grandparents' to help set up their new Satellite TV. When I turned it on, for some reason it defaulted to "Arab Babes TV". I was therefore inadvertently responsible for the broadcast of porn in my Grandparents' living room. FML

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By Tucker - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. It came running down the stairs. With a used condom in its mouth. The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. It put it directly in my mom's hands. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my parents went to the Cayman Islands, leaving me at home in freezing Iowa. Also, even though I never get into trouble, they don't trust me enough to be home on my own. So they hired a babysitter to stay with me until they get back. I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

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By haappynewyear - United States

Today, I got into a nasty fight, and ended up leaving with a black eye. The fight was with a champagne bottle cork. I was opening the bottle to celebrate the New Year, at home, alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2019 14:00

Taking pictures

Today, I was teaching a high school calculus class. I wrote a complex formula on the board. As I wrote, students asked if they could take a picture of the board and circulate it. I said yes, and I was pleased as everybody seemed to be taking pictures. Soon, I realized why: my skirt was tucked into my underwear. Within a few minutes, every student in the school had an email with a picture of my ugliest pair of floral-printed panties. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By Damn - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

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By Anonymous - Pakistan - Islamabad

Today, going to my psychiatrist's appointment for my PTSD and depression, my mother yelled about how useless I am and how I torture her existence with my "abnormalities." She told the doctor how much I've improved and become such a delight at home for her and our family. FML

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By smellslikeahangover - United States - San Francisco

Today, while waiting for an interview at the career that I've been spending months tailoring my résumé for, I was thrown up on by my only competitor. Guess who got the job. FML

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By STOP - Australia - West Hoxton

Today, it's five days until my wedding and I still can't tell my bride apart from her twin sister. They share clothes, have the same haircut, and they even take turns flirting with me to "catch me off guard" because they think it's hilarious to trick me. I'm scared I'll marry the wrong one. FML

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By Varnpike

Today, I was messaging memes back and forth with one of my female coworkers and I accidentally sent a junk pic. FML

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By KICKxASSxNINJA - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Fresno

Believe her next time

Today, my mother bolted into my room and let out a huge fart that smelled like rotten meat because she wanted to prove a point, that she had been having intestinal problems for three days. FML

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By ilivealoneandwhatthefuck - Guam - Yigo

Today, it's been weeks since some asshat started placing gnomes in my front and back yards. I resorted to setting up cameras, which I thought had deterred the idiot, until I walked into my kitchen this morning and found two gnomes on the counter. Nothing on the tapes. I'm freaking out here. FML

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By Sean - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 20:06

Don't drag me into this

Today, my boyfriend's 13-year-old daughter called me a "stupid f**ing b****" on Snapchat because her dad wouldn't go on the trampoline with her. I had nothing to do with any of it. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Gent

Today, I was verbally and physically attacked in a public pool, because I was swimming in what a grandma claimed was her part of the pool. Since I'm a very tolerant person, I calmly tried to talk some reason into the elderly lady. The lifeguard had to come to protect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Paterson

Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML

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By ForgottenAgain - United States

Today, my boyfriend sat me down to reassure me that his competitive, possessive ex-wife will not come between us or ruin our relationship. Mid-conversation, his phone rang. It was her, and he left to answer it. FML

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By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/5/2020 17:00

All in the family

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

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By oreosaretoocool - United Kingdom - Cardenden

Today, I finally gave my mum an expensive designer dress I spent months saving to buy for her as she had been very depressed. However she has gained so much weight from stress eating she ripped it when trying to put it on, and now won't talk to me because, "I wanted to make her feel fat". FML

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By 205 - United States

Today, after getting my car completely fixed after it being damaged for a year, I was driving and the entire side panel on the car fell off. The repair man forgot to put the screws back in. FML

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By CircleBruise - United States

Today, I was playing my guitar and singing on the street corner. I did earn money, when some guy threw a quarter out of his car window for me. It hit me in the face. I now have a circle shaped bruise under my eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

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By Zkroger - United States

Today, my girlfriend of a year denied in front of everyone that we ever dated. FML

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Top comments

By kk_fml | 0

#352 - Thursday 5 February 2009 23:39

is your name karen?

By Omgwtfnoway | 0

#57721 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 16:20

That sucks but not FML worthy.

COMMENTS

By kk_fml | 0

#352 - Thursday 5 February 2009 23:39

is your name karen?

Reply

GovernorGeneral | 8

#4037028 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 5:57

Whoah how come there are no comments on the comments ?
2008 too. Im going back in time Dx

Reply

rcbarnes | 24

#4090642 - Sunday 26 February 2012 7:20

Careful---my meta-commenting comments got moderated...

By alameda_ | 0

#33291 - Sunday 15 March 2009 22:23

oh man, this exact thing happened to me!
feels great, doesn't it?

By naatalieeee | 0

#47267 - Saturday 21 March 2009 11:08

oh i know how you feel
>_<
things like this happen everyday
and i had like one friend give me a gift on my bday
and no one wrapped my locker (high school)

By Omgwtfnoway | 0

#57721 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 16:20

That sucks but not FML worthy.

By mattiscool | 0

#65112 - Saturday 28 March 2009 18:59

lmao at #1 thats from Dane cook

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl9VxVmXAxs

By PaperxHearts_xox | 0

#105830 - Sunday 12 April 2009 23:20

I know how you feel /:
It's happened to me before; quite a bit
'Friends' suck sometimes.

By sportsbabexox747 | 0

#120472 - Saturday 18 April 2009 0:23

been there done tht

By SwingSea | 0

#200553 - Friday 15 May 2009 4:36

Oh man #8 was right, Karen your life is totally a Dane Cook skit!

By yummip | 1

#251901 - Monday 1 June 2009 23:42

Happened to me

By EnchiladaTaco | 0

#253090 - Tuesday 2 June 2009 5:53

You must be boring.