Intimacy: Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were...

By Dannylover - 17/02/2009 20:53 - Netherlands

Today, I finally hooked up with a boy I really liked. We were lying in bed and my panties were already off when he asked me : "Would you also have sex with me if you weren't drunk?". I responded "Yes!" and asked him the same question, at which he responded : "No, probably not." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 153

You deserved it 13 000

Intimacy

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Fundies say the darndest things

Taking sides

You give me fever

By Boredstoner420 - 14/03/2020 21:00

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 724

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 22:46 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 561

You deserved it 2 682

By Pooldead - 28/07/2019 04:00 - Germany - Munich

Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 236

Scam artists

By oldladiesbecrazy - 03/09/2021 07:59

Today, in a market, an old lady stood beside me for a few moments, not saying a word, before turning to me and screaming that I'd taken the money out of her purse. Security was called and I was given the ultimatum to either go to jail or give her the money back. Now I have no food for next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 155

You deserved it 98

Wham!

By Omar Khalaf - 28/09/2017 01:30

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 014

You deserved it 384

By morethanablondemoment - 28/08/2015 04:40 - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 319

You deserved it 4 324

By Anonymous - 22/02/2012 19:55 - Canada

Today, I found out that my wife is pregnant again. During her last two pregnancies, she craved pop-tarts and screamed bloody murder at the drop of a hat, so I went out and bought a box for her. Turns out that this time, pop-tarts make her want to puke. Cue screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 041

You deserved it 4 504

By leah12 - 18/03/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail from my Grandma about how much she adores and loves me. Then it went into detail about how much prettier, smarter, and successful I am than my sister, Leah. I am Leah. She mixed up the letters to the wrong envelopes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 434

You deserved it 3 518

By independant - 08/11/2018 08:30 - United States - Corvallis

Today, my son turned 18. He now calls me by my first name instead of "dad" and refuses to stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 537

By Vassy - 04/12/2012 18:51 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I made a positive remark to the owner of my local groceries store for employing a special needs girl. Not only is the girl not mentally handicapped, she's also the owner's daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 641

You deserved it 32 649

By Noname - 13/03/2009 20:54 - United States

Today, at the dinner table my parents were talking to my younger sister about her new boyfriend and how they should be taking it slow. My sister then pointed out that that's not what I do. My dad said, "Believe me I know- your sister's easier to get into than community college." FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 785

You deserved it 30 035

By ringhider - 08/10/2010 16:55 - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 568

You deserved it 6 918

By Lily - 08/01/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, during a dinner party, some friends brought up how sweet, innocent and caring they thought I was. I had to sit there as my drunk boyfriend cut them off and loudly argue that I was neither sweet nor innocent, and really nothing that special at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 880

You deserved it 4 550

By tracy4191 - 18/09/2016 05:21 - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I found out my mom sleeps in my room when I'm at college during the week. I discovered this my bumping into her dildo with my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 445

You deserved it 709

Kinkshaming

By no way! - 29/08/2021 17:01

Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 419

You deserved it 202

Monster!

By lu… - 08/12/2020 08:02 - United States - San Jose

Today, my mother decided that I'm a complete sociopath and that I don’t care that my grandmother just died. Why? Because I haven’t lost my appetite. My grief response is to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 49

By anonymous - 24/06/2009 06:13 - United States

Today, I went to write "Happy Bday, I Love You" on my girlfriend's car windows to surprise her when she woke up. I was the one who got the surprise when I saw her, in her backseat, having sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 728

You deserved it 3 694

By tacolove69 - 16/02/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I was late to dinner with my anal-retentive parents because my boyfriend was too busy making cock puppets in the shower to get ready to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 703

You deserved it 3 342

By stoolgal - 23/09/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 435

You deserved it 1 420

By LexS12 - 30/04/2017 04:00

Today, at the age of 21, I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees. There goes my volleyball career. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 595

You deserved it 375

By Anonymous - 04/11/2014 18:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, army recruiters came to my school and set up some punching bags to attract potential recruits. I gave it a shot, managing to set the highest score at my school and fracture my wrist at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 870

You deserved it 7 000

By nickthetank - 31/12/2011 09:21 - Canada

Today, I got circumcised by my girlfriend's braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 826

You deserved it 12 202

By Beardedlady - 27/09/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 563

You deserved it 385

By jgw - 07/04/2017 00:00

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 668

You deserved it 668

Too clever

By DamnGurl - 12/02/2021 02:58 - United States - Kula

Today, during a programming interview, I provided the right approach and the right answer as agreed by the interviewer, but used some extra variables with proper names. Guess who is not selected for the next round due to those extra variables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 760

You deserved it 146

By injuredwifelady - 23/02/2016 08:23 - United States - Omaha

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 770

You deserved it 1 976

By feiedbutter - 07/12/2013 14:55 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wife made me a Sex Rewards Chart, where I get points by doing chores and such, and 50 points gets me some action. She refuses to even look at me if I haven't earned the points, and is contemplating sleeping alone in the guest room until I earn more points. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 782

You deserved it 20 651

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 17:30

Today, my husband cancelled our internet and cable package because we’re having money problems. I work from home and need the internet to do so. I guess getting a job of his own wasn’t an option. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 758

You deserved it 306

By miley098 - 02/11/2011 16:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from school, only to find I was locked out. The cars were all there, but no one was in. It wasn't until I heard continuous banging from my parents' window that it clicked. They locked me out for over an hour in freezing weather just to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 734

You deserved it 4 679

By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 062

You deserved it 6 474

By sober - 10/07/2012 03:40 - United States - Hillsborough

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was going to stop drinking, since I have been having some problems with alcohol and some of my relatives are alcoholics. He later broke up with me, saying he couldn't be with someone who "chose to be boring." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 954

You deserved it 3 396

Heaven knows I'm miserable now

By lazydude - 17/03/2021 11:01

Today, I got hired and now I have to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 1 461

Men and their balls

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 05:01

Today, five years after the birth of our last child, my husband still hasn't gotten the vasectomy he swore he would get. He wouldn't let me get my tubes tied, because it was "the least he could do," but when I ask about it, I'm a nag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 345

You deserved it 176

By mew - 25/10/2011 18:04 - Canada

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 104

You deserved it 3 215

Play 4′33″ by John Cage

By NonPianoMan - 26/08/2021 16:01

Today, after I'd told this girl I’m seeing that I play piano to impress her, it turns out her father is a pianist and has a grand piano in their house. Tonight, I’m supposed to go to her place to play her my "favorite piece." FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 960

By WorryNot - 29/12/2016 01:22 - United States - Prescott

Today, I accidentally left a small but very important piece of my breast pump at home. Only ten more hours until the end of my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 742

You deserved it 579

By dypshyyt - 22/07/2014 23:20 - United States

Today, I went to my weekly AA meeting. It was a huge crowd and I was the guest speaker. Not 5 minutes into my speech, I was booed off stage and banned from further attendance because I accidentally wore a Jack Daniel's shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 079

You deserved it 56 404

By Anonymous - 16/05/2016 04:48 - United States - Rocky Mount

Today, I had to sit through the wedding of my best friend and the love of my life, and pretend to be happy for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 940

You deserved it 3 344

By myjobsucks - 13/12/2011 02:15 - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 254

You deserved it 9 244

Don't get involved

By Joe - 13/09/2021 20:00

Today, some kid on the bus kept pissing me off, making fart jokes and singing the Peppa Pig theme song on repeat. Angrily, I confronted him and asked him if he was 7. He retaliated with, "Yeah, 7 inches deep in your MOM!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 868

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hurr 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:20

I'm just guessing that he was kidding -- no man is stupid enough to say that BEFORE he gets laid, drunk or not.

emilypancakes 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:21

you better not have slept with him after that.

bobdole 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:15

that sucks but better than becoming involved in a relationship to only find out the same thing?

hurr 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:20

I'm just guessing that he was kidding -- no man is stupid enough to say that BEFORE he gets laid, drunk or not.

PiNYANo 11

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Saturday 7 February 2015 1:51

Agreed

emilypancakes 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:21

you better not have slept with him after that.

Bauer_fml 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:38

See, why must women ask questions like this before sex? Who cares? You're already half naked, just do the deed. @#4 He's not just an American hero, he's a hero to all nations.

DakotaAkira 13

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Saturday 18 February 2012 21:16

He asked the question, not her.

MissFae 0

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Tuesday 17 February 2009 23:54

The appropriate reply to this would be "Far be it from me to take advantage of you then. Now you get some good rest and I'll talk to you when you're sober."

rational_man 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 0:01

hahaha, i love it. All women want is an honest man and when we this guy was honest and now he is a jerk!! Were you planning a relationship in your head as your were drunkingly getting it on, i bet he wasnt. I say if you want your cake and eat it too you should be paying my insurance rates, that would be fair.

Fucked4Life 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 0:40

I'd say if you slept with him after, then you deserve it. If you did what you should and told him to fuck off then congratulations!

toogood4you 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 0:54

i hope you didnt sleep with him after hearing that

sillypun 0

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Wednesday 18 February 2009 1:33

dumb question to ask.... genius answer. Anyone insecure enough to ask those questions would probably go through with the deed by that point anyway. FYL.