Intimacy: Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink...

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 197

You deserved it 8 877

Intimacy

Late term

Batman

Good kid

By AlwaysTired - 14/09/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 072

You deserved it 1 521

By taylor124 - 22/08/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I listened to a voice mail from my mom about how she misses me and cant wait to see me when I get back from vacation. Thinking she hung up, my mother then had a conversation with my aunt about how quiet the house is without me and how she'd be blessed if I didn't come home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 982

You deserved it 2 862

By yoyo22 - 05/12/2009 21:04 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 927

You deserved it 9 389

By nicetoknow - 26/09/2016 12:57 - Australia - Blacktown

Today, I was showing my crush/co-worker how to operate a particular piece of machinery. She exclaimed out loud, "Oh! This knob pulls out," then mumbled under her breath, "unlike my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 779

You deserved it 1 519

By Anonymous - 19/01/2014 21:08 - Canada - Prince Albert

Today, I bought an automatic air refresher. I put the can and batteries in, and it promptly sprayed a blast of its scent down my throat. Now I can't breathe without tasting it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 792

You deserved it 9 809

By Username - 20/07/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 706

You deserved it 3 857

By cs - 13/02/2011 02:21 - United States

Today, the snowblower found my lost phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 749

You deserved it 4 968

Drive

By Anonymous - 20/11/2021 16:59 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. Two of my best friends forgot it, and so did my grandparents. All of my friends were busy, so I spent it alone in my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 960

You deserved it 91

By thetalkingvagina - 09/06/2010 11:34 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Suddenly, he grabbed my 'lower' lips and moved them in a talking motion, proclaiming that "the talking vagina declares war and wants to conquer the great penis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 715

You deserved it 18 480

By LordCrafte - 15/05/2013 23:43 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after finding out that I would never be able to move my dominant arm again, I decided to talk to my best friend about it because it was getting to me. She responded with, "It really bugs me that you made this conversation all about you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 343

You deserved it 3 223

Brain fart Andy over here

By Anonymous - 17/08/2021 16:01 - Italy

Today, as I was getting dressed after a shower, I spent a good 30 seconds searching for my underwear… which I'd already put on at that point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 589

You deserved it 281

By anonymous - 22/11/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I got a text from a woman containing many naked pictures of her. Apparently she meant to send those to her boyfriend whose number is one digit from mine. The bad part? My girlfriend was using my phone when I received that message. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 516

You deserved it 2 964

By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because we didn't have any ketchup packets. I work in a coffee shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 909

You deserved it 2 443

By kb - 01/02/2012 05:06 - United States

Today, I found out how it feels when a refrigerator door unhinges and falls on your toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 052

You deserved it 2 430

By newkid - 13/09/2016 19:06

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 833

You deserved it 1 326

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

By Thescarlettfox - 01/03/2020 21:00

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 1 319

By sadcat - 06/02/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, I took my cat to the vet. He said he felt a strange lump that could be serious. I got really upset and picked her up, crying. The vet then told me I had to put her down. Absolutely devastated by having to euthanize my cat, I passed out. He meant I had to put her back on the table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 988

You deserved it 14 747

By OperaLover - 12/09/2011 19:00 - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 058

You deserved it 3 447

By 3sacrowd - 17/11/2009 03:46 - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 841

You deserved it 30 142

Not now!

By annonymous - 30/11/2009 18:59 - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 271

You deserved it 3 485

By Silent - 18/10/2018 17:30

Today, at the orthodontist, the nurse was checking my teeth. She asked me a question while her finger was in my mouth, and when I stupidly tried to reply, I bit her finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 425

By Anonymous - 24/10/2017 06:00

Today, I had a few drinks with a female friend after having a bad week. I got so wasted that I wound up ending the night by giving my boyfriend a rimjob. He thoroughly enjoyed it and thinks it's going to be a regular thing now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 520

You deserved it 6 989

By fs - 23/11/2013 23:45 - United States - Northfield

Today, I realized that no matter what I accomplish in life, I'll always be remembered for being the son of a woman so stupid that she claimed she used to be Elvis Presley's mistress. She was still an infant when he died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 333

You deserved it 3 278

By story of my life. - 21/02/2009 14:33 - Switzerland

Today, at a party I told this guy that I really liked his pirate costume. Turns out he wasn't wearing a costume, his eye was shot out with a BB gun. This explains the eye patch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 142

You deserved it 34 337

Delete your account

By Anonymous - 06/08/2021 08:01 - United States - Delhi

Today, I learned that Dolph Lundgren's "daughter", Lisbeth Olofsson, is not only fictional, but a stolen identity. Who the hell have I been talking to on Facebook since 2013? FML

I agree, your life sucks 261

You deserved it 881

By sorrydad - 13/12/2009 18:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I had our parents over to our new apartment for the first time. We spent hours cleaning, cooking, and making sure everything was "parent-appropriate." Apparently we didn't notice the S and M catalog in the pile on our coffee table... but his mom sure did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 491

You deserved it 19 757

By Dude - 21/01/2010 11:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I went back to school after missing the first 2 weeks of the new school year. I got grilled in my first lesson by my teacher for "gallivanting around on holiday in some sunny place" when I should've been at school learning. My dad had died from liver cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 496

You deserved it 2 925

By moudly - 06/01/2010 21:28 - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 544

You deserved it 4 972

By Anonymous - 27/05/2014 19:26 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was at a bar, when a heavily drunk guy came up to me and slurred "Fuucckkk lady, your face... not even with beer goggles!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 701

You deserved it 5 477

By Anonymous - 29/01/2011 11:55 - Canada

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had been telling me for the past two weeks that he had something planned for the occasion. His plan? Me watching TV with his parents, who hate me, while he went to work. His gift? A brand new Xbox 360 for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 849

You deserved it 4 114

By Anonymous - 12/06/2015 05:35 - Australia - Rydalmere

Today, I was studying for a big test I have next Tuesday in my room. I heard a creak in my ceiling but assumed it was nothing as my house is old. Thirty seconds later something fell from my air vent directly onto my head. It was a giant cockroach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 500

You deserved it 2 126

By Uncomfortable - 17/05/2013 07:21

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 652

You deserved it 5 307

By Username - 03/01/2011 11:40

Today, I lost my virginity, I think. Does it still count if she left halfway through, laughing? FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 752

You deserved it 10 649

By SoMuchForThatIdea - 12/06/2017 00:00

Today, I got to spend the entire day shopping for lingerie with the man of my dreams. He bought everything I'd ever wanted and more! Too bad it was for another woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 868

You deserved it 865

By Phil - 21/12/2008 12:14 - France

Today, I'm 65 years old, and I've been given a bottle of wine produced in the year I was born. The wine tastes foul; not a good omen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 349

You deserved it 2 928

By awilson - 11/09/2009 18:26 - United States

Today, I was eating MandMs on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering, "Where is that little bastard?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 707

You deserved it 16 804

By Anonymous - 28/06/2012 12:08 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my mother met my boyfriend. She thought it would be appropriate to tell him that he looks just like my ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 087

You deserved it 2 784

By Stepmotherfucker - 23/03/2016 06:32 - Ukraine

Today, my stepmother started talking to me after a month of the silent treatment. When I asked her what I had done wrong, she replied, "Nothing, but do you know that feeling when you look at someone and you just want to choke them?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 110

You deserved it 1 541

By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 13:57 - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 126

You deserved it 2 346

By Anonymous - 03/11/2010 17:57 - Germany

Today, I failed to get my driver's licence. My father was the instructor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 048

You deserved it 28 092

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Top comments

Betz 10

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:00

Use that same amount of alcohol to get her drunk instead. Problem solved.

Psycho_Babydoll 26

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:10

Get off the Internet, Raaj.

imsosleepy 9

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Saturday 10 March 2012 11:51

I think it's time you decide which is more important.. Man up, OP.

electrorange 13

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:28

Or what's more 'IMPOTENT"!

mongooses 2

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Saturday 10 March 2012 13:32

Fuck em then talk to them

iamyummylicious 14

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Saturday 10 March 2012 13:34

Why does there gave be any talking at all?

SpicyDuck 22

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Saturday 10 March 2012 13:49

Rajesh Koothrappali anyone?

eatdemcupcakes 4

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Saturday 10 March 2012 16:13

Bazzinga punk

hubla 0

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Saturday 10 March 2012 18:49

Maybe your secretly gay and that's why you couldn't get it up lol

amoscore 5

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Saturday 10 March 2012 19:17

What's up Raj?

ss_20_xx 14

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Saturday 10 March 2012 20:55

Talk about 'governtment failure.' Damn I've been studying too much economics.

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Saturday 10 March 2012 21:12

Time for some weed, OP.

tjv3 10

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Sunday 11 March 2012 0:51

Why do you have to drink to get the nerve to talk to women. The worse that can happen is they reject you

CommiesRus 0

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Sunday 11 March 2012 6:15

In Soviet Russia women kick men in balls as sign of rejection. Vodka numbs pain.

Ray_of_midnight 22

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Sunday 11 March 2012 7:23

No, the worst that can happen is that they reject you, and then hold you up to public mockery and ridicule because you had the nerve to ask. Happened to me enough times in high school and college that I eventually stopped asking. :-(

Alelol 3

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Tuesday 13 March 2012 0:06

F' you americant

blushy 14

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Thursday 5 April 2012 16:10

time to grow a pair op

i13Zero 5

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Wednesday 23 May 2012 7:17

YOLO

SocialAmethyst 20

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Friday 29 July 2016 16:37

Communist hippy!

immaMonsta 8

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Saturday 10 March 2012 11:53

Liquid courage is a limited pass, you shouldn't do it all the time. You should try and build up your confidence another way.

MetalxSoldier 26

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:28

For me, drinking gives me a never ending boner. But I guess we're all different. Maybe he could try another drug to boost his confidence, may I suggest viagra?

immaMonsta 8

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Saturday 10 March 2012 13:07

#10 Viagra is only good for the actual act of sex though. I don't know about other girls, but if a guy came onto me with a huge boner, I'd run the other way. I don't think Viagra is a good confidence booster before the ice breaker conversation, but definitely after the guy gets her in bed (if those are his intentions).

perdix 29

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Saturday 10 March 2012 13:28

If he came onto you with a huge boner, he'd be finished and might prefer it if you left. ;)

ohSNAPyall 26

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Sunday 11 March 2012 18:10

May I suggest being a gentleman and going down on your date?

Betz 10

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:00

Use that same amount of alcohol to get her drunk instead. Problem solved.

ya_momma 4

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Sunday 23 September 2012 10:38

Raj from the big bang theory? You actually exist?

Tsunami87 17

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:04

That's a bonerfide problem, unlucky dude.

ninjacapo 2

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Monday 12 March 2012 5:52

^hes got the soft-sword. Maybe op needes bonerpills

indoorsy 3

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:07

Cockblocked by your own insecurities, ouch.

Psycho_Babydoll 26

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:10

Get off the Internet, Raaj.

make_me_smile 4

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Saturday 10 March 2012 14:59

u spelled raj wrong. and I know right!

sarbear293 4

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Saturday 10 March 2012 15:28

That's exactly what I was thinking! Haha poor Raj:(

ohmandapants 16

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Saturday 10 March 2012 20:45

30- You spelled "you" wrong. Hypocrite.

ladyLALAA 28

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Saturday 10 March 2012 22:31

There is more then one documented way to spell the name Raaj.

eviegirl247 0

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Sunday 11 March 2012 0:41

I love you.

mdtdnb 7

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Sunday 11 March 2012 10:15

Bazinga!!!

perdix 29

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Saturday 10 March 2012 12:32

Viagra. Plan B: When you get shitfaced and start talking to girls, get their numbers and make up some emergency that makes you leave abruptly. Don't drink as much on your date, so you can perform. Warning: Four-hour erections...blah, blah, blah. Use only as directed. Women who appear beautiful when you are drunk may be fucking ugly as shit.