Health: Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered after four hours of vomiting that it is very much possible to vomit so hard you can't help but shit in your trousers. My boyfriend is currently staying over, too. FML

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Health

Walk on the wild side

Buzzing the tower

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By pmek - Australia - Collingwood

Today, things started to heat up in the bedroom. Not in a sexual way, though; the lamp caught fire. FML

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By wallflower - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By mortified - United Kingdom

Today, my dentist pulled a pubic hair out of my braces. FML

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20393

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By jeremyj - United States

Today, is the third day since I opened my small coffee shop. My parents had given me a nice frame to put my first dollar from working in. I had to sneak in a dollar from my own wallet so they wouldn't know how bad business was when they came to visit. FML

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29128

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By Motorless

Today, after months of riding a bike through the rain, I finally saved up enough for a car. It was a little aged, but ran fine. That is, until a tire blew out, the engine stalled, and the battery died within one week. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Bodyshaming

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

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By smallpaycheck - United States

Today, I was working at a shoe store and was helping a dude try on shoes. He looked like trouble and I wanted to finish with him. When he finally picked his shoes, he abruptly stood up and ran out of the store with the shoes on. The cost of them was deducted from my salary. $240. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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29174

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of my boss telling me how much he appreciates my hard work and has submitted my name up for a promotion, he called me into his office to announce I'm being laid off. FML

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29071

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By NoNaMe - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By ifeelfat - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

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By IceQueen - United States - Clinton

Today, I've been without hot water for three days thanks to a frozen water line. I finally managed to thaw the frozen area, only to have the chunk of ice dislodge, slam into a bend in the pipe, and burst the line. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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35743

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By Black Cat 13 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By preggo eggo

MAKE UP YOUR MIND

Today, after months of my fiancé begging me to have a baby with him, I found out I’m pregnant. He doesn’t want a baby anymore. FML

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4026

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By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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By Bawo - United States

Today, I was getting it on with my cute guy friend in his candlelit bedroom and we had just started tearing each other's clothes off. I decided to be coy and sexy and flip my hair to the side. As I did so, my long hair caught in the flames of his lit candles and caught half of my head on fire. FML

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By BadBoyfriend - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

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64282

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By courtbabbbby - United States

Today, I got banned on Club Penguin because I said "shit" while I was in a fight with another penguin about whose igloo is cooler. Shouldn't I have better things to do on a Friday night? FML

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By florisvanlent - Netherlands

Today, while copying some stuff for school, I felt someone rubbing her boobs against my back. I got a boner and when I looked to see who the hot chick was, I saw my fat friend rubbing his man boobs against my back. FML

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By Little Miss Fucket - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I found out my husband has a fake Facebook account that he uses to add guys and live a double life as some kind of "gamer chick". This would be disturbing enough, even if he hadn't used pictures of me to give a face to his alter ego. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a guy in a fancy car tailed me for twenty minutes, just so he could take a picture of my license plate and tell me there's a $300 fine for flicking cigarette ashes out your window. FML

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By Alyce - 5/12/2020 23:02 - United States - Lewistown

Best of both worlds

Today, I was finally diagnosed with insomnia. The trouble is, because of my physical disability, I also have diagnosed chronic fatigue. Barely can stay awake during the day, can't sleep at night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 4 year old asked to go outside and play in the sprinkler. I told him not right now because I was busy and he's too little to play outside by himself. I came out of the laundry room later to find he'd brought the sprinkler in the house and turned the water on. At least he listened. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend from high school contacted me, telling me we should hang out some time; I casually agreed. Two hours later she's on my doorstep in tears, wanting me to take her back. She's married with kids. I live four states away and haven't a clue how she found out where I live. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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By Harejordan - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

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27554

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By Waitingtomoveout

Today, I had to remove my brother's pubic hairs from the bathtub before bathing my son. FML

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6338

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By oink oink fuck off - United Kingdom - Doncaster

Today, my son got to my great grandfather's old stopwatch, which had been valued at a very high sum, and broke it by twisting the hands in reverse. He says he was trying to time travel. FML

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By baby, baby no - United States - Ladys Island

Today, I stepped outside the house with my wife. She looked up at the sky and asked me in all seriousness if stars are man-made. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 08:19

Rock Bottom Riser

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stillwater

Today, I was taken to the principal's office and bitched out about the dangerous weapon I brought to school. The "weapon" was a pocket fan. FML

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By crap - United States - Mansfield

Today, I realized that if you are dreaming that you have diarrhea, you probably have diarrhea. FML

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47939

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By scarred for life - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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32108

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By rune breaker

Today, I got the hiccups during an exam. I wasn't allowed to leave to get a drink of water, so I had to sit there and take my test while hiccuping violently. The teacher ended up sending me to the hall and ripping up my test for "distracting the other students". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did a 'dine and dash' and left my phone in the restaurant. The owner answered my phone call. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2021 17:30 - United States - Hesperia

How close is too close?

Today, I found out just how close my mom and fiancé are. No, they aren’t sleeping together, but she has been covering for him while he has sex with other women behind my back. Her excuse? He deserves to be happy too. FML

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Top comments

By nicknesser | 0

#1926772 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:09

Hey maybe he's into that shit.

By Wuhuh | 0

#1926787 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:14

At least he can take shit from you.

COMMENTS

By EvilDoll | 7

#1926759 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:06

aaaah how romantic
in before "what a shitty day" and other puns ;)

godlybacon | 5

#1926768 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:08

Indeed, that's a sticky situation.

GiddyXD | 0

#1927101 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 13:35

hm I smell something funny about this. :D

HaloReachIsCool | 6

#1927211 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 14:26

You know what they say...

*puts on sunglasses*

Shit Happens!

nathan5 | 0

#1928343 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 17:36

You know what they say...

*puts on sunglasses*

Shut up. lol

By nicknesser | 0

#1926772 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:09

Hey maybe he's into that shit.

form434 | 5

#1927154 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 14:00

rofl!

nirenna | 6

#2212103 - Sunday 20 March 2011 21:04

good one!

By atticuz | 2

#1926781 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:12

your bf just wants to take care of you... awww..

beetman5 | 4

#1927042 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 13:19

4 - lmao

By Wuhuh | 0

#1926787 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:14

At least he can take shit from you.

BoColors | 0

#1926797 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:15

lmao^

By Shinigumi | 0

#1926815 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:18

man... you are in deep shit D:

By perdix | 29

#1926837 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:20

He must be pretty desperate if he stays while you are puking all over the place and shitting yourself.

He's either hopelessly in love or some scat-vomit fetish weirdo. A normal guy would have gone home or checked into a nearby hotel until you got your bowels in check.