Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the...

By Anonymous - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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Kids

Family values

Live from Salt Lake City

Dog whisperer

By LifeSucks - United States

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

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By moneycatious - United States - Seattle

Today, I gave my husband an expensive watch. The first words out of his mouth were, "You didn't use our joint bank account for this, right?" He then asked if I still had the receipt. FML

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By obviously a scumbag criminal

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

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By shizzy09 - United States

Today, I took my 4-year-old daughter to the local pool for swim lessons. As we walked onto the deck she turned to me and said "Mom, that lady has really big boobs!" The whole pool heard, even the man my daughter was referring to. FML

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By blondie101 - United States

Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML

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By Gas-pingForAir - United States - Columbia

Today, my girlfriend managed to trap a fart in her nightgown and carry it all the way from the bathroom, into our bedroom, and finally into our bed. FML

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By systeminitiated - Canada

Today, in math class we were learning about gravity. To demonstrate my teacher asked me to stand on the desk and then step off. Upon stepping on the desk it curved inward and cracked. Everyone was dying of laughter. Fuck gravity. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 02:00

Killing in the name of

Today, I've loved for years that my boyfriend works at an animal shelter, but I learned from his coworker that he’s the guy that puts the animals to sleep, full time, sometimes 30 a day. Now I’m disgusted to sit in the same room as him, because he always says he loves his job. FML

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By joecool3426 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for speeding in a school zone. The school hasn't even been built yet. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Cork

Today, as a romantic gesture, my boyfriend gifted me an origami vagina. FML

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29540

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML

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By Theaccident - Australia

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

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By morethanablondemoment - United States - Redding

Today, after working 8 hours and immediately packing my house for another 6 hours to prepare for moving, I was extremely exhausted and more than ready to brush my teeth and go to bed. I tiredly brushed my teeth with my mascara. FML

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By Timv86 - Australia

Today, I went to the shops with my little sister. We had to walk through the lingerie section of the store to get to another part. My sister then yells at the top of her voice 'stop following me you freak'. I had security escort me out of the store, and got many dirty looks. She thought it was hilarious. FML

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By Anonameow

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

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13800

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By noononononono - United States - Sacramento

Today, my Dad came home with a $500 jacket that he'd bought himself for Christmas. I'd bought him the same one, and it's non refundable. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, my 4-year-old daughter couldn't sleep, crying that her teddy bear wants to eat her. My husband thought it would be funny to put the bear right in front of her face while she slept. She's now terrified to sleep anywhere but in our bed. FML

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36617

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By ArsonistsLullaby - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

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By whatismydadthinking - Australia

Today, I was introduced to my future stepmother, but it turns out that I already know her. Not only are we the same age and went to the same high school, when we were in the same math class together the teacher would often confuse our names because "we could pass as twins". FML

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By Riicogonz

Today, while borrowing my girlfriend's dad's truck, I had to pay $120 to prevent it from being towed. I was parked right in front of my apartment unloading heavy furniture into my garage for not even 20 minutes while the apartment manager, who called the tow truck, watched us from his balcony. FML

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By anon

Today, I was working at the hospital and it was very busy. Unthinking, I told a patient in a wheelchair to "sit tight" while I checked on something. He mocked me for the rest of his stay. FML

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By Apcn - France - Concarneau

Today, my boyfriend bought yet another video game and played it all afternoon. Unlike me, our parrot is taking this situation rather well: for the past two hours he's been repeating, over and over, "EA Sports, it's in the game." FML

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By fryebaby623 - United States - Vero Beach

Today, I was so tired when I got home from work, I took off my bra without removing my shirt which I've done so often it is second nature. I successfully removed the bra, then snagged the clasp on a loose shirt thread, causing my bra to take on a life of its own and slap me in the face. FML

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By LoveGlove - Canada - Calgary

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to slip a condom under my pillow at boot camp. The staff found out, I got bitched out for 30 minutes straight, and now I have to put a condom on the grip of any rifle I'm issued for a week. My new callsign is "Love Glove". FML

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By adogg18 - United States

Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML

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By Anonymous - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

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By cmondude

Today, I was finally cast in my high school play. As Violet. The gum chewer who turns into a blueberry. Does my instructor not know I'm a guy? FML

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By [email protected] - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after uprooting my life to help my boyfriend, I realized I receive more affection from my landlord's dog than I have from my boyfriend since I've moved here. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 14:02

Sewer monster

Today, I realized my morbidly obese sibling's favorite bathroom to use is whichever one is closest to me during the day. Three floors of living space and the monster wants to drop a nuke where the odors are certain to waft to my nose three times a day. Every. Single. Day. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pulled into a parking lot and waited for a car to back out so I could take their spot. The apparently batshit insane psychopath in the other car managed to completely overlook me waving him out, and backed straight into my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, things were getting hot with my boyfriend and I started to breathe heavy and moan. He then says to me, "Babe, can you calm down, we're having sex not running a marathon." FML

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By Akwa - 18/11/2020 14:02 - United Kingdom

You're just saying that…

Today, my mother and I got complimented on how we look alike. She's a German blonde and I was adopted from Vietnam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flew home from college to see my parents. Later I found the expensive painting and hand-made necklace I mailed to my mom for mother's day while taking out the trash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By motherdearest - United States

Today, I went to the mall with my mom. We were in American Eagle shopping for spring clothes, when a few good looking guys walked by and whistled at me. I smiled at them. They were checking out my mom, not me. FML

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By Renter - United States

Today, I received a bill for damage to my old apartment. The same damage caused by the maintenance guy when he came to fix the pipes about a week before I left. FML

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29581

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By minimum wage - Canada

Today, I walked in on a homeless guy peeing on a turd on the floor of the women's restroom at the park. I'm a janitor for the city. FML

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Top comments

By RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5457748 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

Playboy level: Your Son

By Marty20612 | 5

#5457746 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Lol that's funny:) He's already a lady's man

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5457742 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:11

Charles Manly-son.

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5457783 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:24

Maybe he can give you a few tips? Seriously, though, OP, perhaps you should sit him down and have a chat.

lonewolf621 | 17

#5458085 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:26

We have a little trouble maker here.

AngelSpit | 18

#5458382 - Sunday 21 April 2013 15:32

Hey the daycare doesn't have to Tate that kind of abuse from your child they should be learning to be part of a Family and strive for Sharon and cooperation. Would it Kill you to keep your kid in line the world's Helter-Skelter enough sheesh

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5458729 - Sunday 21 April 2013 19:36

Maybe he can give you some tips? No, but seriously, OP, maybe it's time to sit him down and have a chat?

By Marty20612 | 5

#5457746 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Lol that's funny:) He's already a lady's man

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5457871 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:43

He's going to be a heart breaker one day!

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5457885 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:56

Or a face breaker if he continues to have women fight over him.

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5457942 - Sunday 21 April 2013 5:40

Not a bad life haha

Bubbelz | 24

#5458508 - Sunday 21 April 2013 16:41

He's a tooth breaker already!

By shyeahh_fml | 19

#5457747 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Your son is a badass!

miss_madison | 10

#5458717 - Sunday 21 April 2013 19:30

Her son is Dean Winchester.

By RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5457748 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

Playboy level: Your Son

greatdanen | 6

#5458093 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:45

his skill level is over 9000!!

NoFlippinWai | 24

#5458281 - Sunday 21 April 2013 13:54

WHAT? 9000?

Dashelle | 25

#5619731 - Friday 9 August 2013 7:05

We got another Hugh Hefner

By Eorlas | 31

#5457753 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

I hope he's capitalizing on that skill.

klovemachine | 24

#5457823 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:57

Future pimp :-D

kingdrizzt | 5

#5457898 - Sunday 21 April 2013 5:05

At 5???? O.o

lmasters35 | 5

#5458603 - Sunday 21 April 2013 18:23

Did you miss the part where it says "FUTURE" pimp? As in, NOT right now?

By groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5457755 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lilhellian | 26

#5457773 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:18

How does Johnny Knoxvill fit into this comment?

snugglesMcGee199 | 23

#5458090 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:39

May the odds be ever in your favor!!!!!!

By Authoress14 | 15

#5457758 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:14

I see a CIA operative in his future career

musiciangirl591 | 16

#5457786 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:26

"the name's bond, james bond" :P

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5457870 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:42

Because James Bond is totally CIA and totally American.

C'mon man.

Catkam623 | 27

#5458568 - Sunday 21 April 2013 17:40

*the names Leiter... Felix Leiter.

musiciangirl591 | 16

#5458809 - Sunday 21 April 2013 20:43

34- i saw CIA operative and its the first thing that popped into my head :P

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5458858 - Sunday 21 April 2013 21:31

Bourne, Jason Bourne.

Catkam623 | 27

#5459427 - Monday 22 April 2013 6:01

Bourne was ex medusa then treadstone. He was only used by the CIA wasn't actually a operative.

Linebacker74 | 8

#5804754 - Wednesday 25 December 2013 17:16

Dammit 114 let us have this one thing

By DejonE | 10

#5457764 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:15

Just wait till high school

lennelleong | 33

#5580003 - Sunday 14 July 2013 17:56

What, are you gonna make him wear a chastity belt & groin lock before high school? (: Kids are so sexually precocious these days....

By AnimeBitch | 14

#5457767 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:16

Welcome to the Jersey Shore Day Care :).

By CatchMe25 | 16

#5457769 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:17

Ahh the joys of young love! Haha

RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5458590 - Sunday 21 April 2013 18:05

They're 5 years old. Get real.

someteenager | 13

#5459117 - Monday 22 April 2013 3:27

I think she was joking

CatchMe25 | 16

#5463583 - Wednesday 24 April 2013 19:25

I apologize that my own brand of wit has been lost on you and you felt the need to spread your unhappiness. You should work on that and try not to take yourself so seriously! (Sarcasm indicated)