Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the...

By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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Kids

Caught red-handed

Don't shoot the messenger

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By ilovemybrother - 28/10/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2016 15:44 - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By PocketTrash - 20/3/2020 21:00

This guy grudges

Today, my dad is still mad because I tossed his empty coffee can over 3 days ago. FML

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By sister_woes - 9/10/2010 06:36 - United States

Today, I didn't have my key, so my sister told me to call her to let me in. I called, no answer. I waited for 15 minutes and then called my dad complaining about her, still being outside. She popped her out the window and yelled, "Don't talk about me, bitch!" and wouldn't open the door. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2014 05:44 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, I was playing Mario Kart with my wife. I threw a blue shell and it hit her. She then refused to speak to me for three hours straight until right before bedtime when she called me a bastard and told me to sleep on the couch. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 04:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was given the following pearls of wisdom: "My grandmother always told me, if you've got nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. Anyway, she was a cunt and so are you." Thanks, dad. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 17:04 - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's and she was wearing some sexy lingerie. After making out passionately for 10 minutes, I started to undress myself, only to have her stop me, confessed that she still wasn't sexually attracted to me. FML

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By night_fox88 - 27/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Camden

Go out please!

Today, I woke up to my overly religious grandmother trying to shove salt down my throat yelling "DEMON BE GONE!". Why? I didn't wear the cross neckless she bought me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 16:04 - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By kahemae44 - 27/10/2009 10:20 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

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By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

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By jetlagged - 16/1/2011 17:17 - Sweden

Today, for an eight hour flight to Copenhagen, Denmark, I paid extra to get a seat offering more leg room. Unfortunately, the man behind me was so tall, his knees were pressing against my back the entire flight. FML

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By phlox_fml - 30/5/2020 08:00

Hammocking yourself

Today, I fell backwards out of my hammock, busting my shoulder. This weekend, I broke my toe falling out of it. I've used hammocks my entire life, but have become apparently unable to during the lockdown. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2010 01:59 - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By anonymous - 25/3/2015 04:24 - United States - Lubbock

Today, I was doing homework and I had my leg bent in a funny position. When I stood up, my hip dislocated. It was the most painful thing I've ever experienced. When people ask me what happened, I have to say I dislocated my hip doing calculus. FML

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By Master Debater - 1/2/2013 11:05 - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2020 05:00

Tricky situation

Today, my roommate in our barracks posted trans hate-speech on Facebook. My choices are to report him and risk ending his military career, confront him and risk him finding out I'm trans, or do nothing and live in fear of him figuring me out. FML

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By irony - 16/8/2009 07:05 - United States

Today, I got a paper cut while opening my box of Band-Aids. FML

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By tee - 6/4/2015 20:02 - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was explaining the inner parts of a vagina and how they work. To my boyfriend. FML

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By Noname - 15/3/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party for my friend's daughter. I picked up a gift for the girl and another for her parents. I got the mother a cute little garden stone that read "What our children see in the world depends on what we show them." Later, I found out her daughter is blind. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2012 04:35 - United States

Today, I went to the hair salon. When I got home, my three-year-old daughter told me I looked like Dora the Explorer. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 17:29 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

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By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By Chris - 2/2/2010 05:40 - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

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By kittyjoe - 8/8/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

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By soupisyummy - 11/2/2012 19:20 - United States

Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML

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By TheJuggla17 - 22/12/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I put in an application to my local market for a job that I desperately needed. I was talking to the manager, he seemed pleased with my application and said he'll call me. As he walks into his private office, I hear the sound of a paper shredder. FML

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By Bibi - 23/9/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

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By KeepinItInTheFamily - 28/10/2018 05:00

Today, my future sister-in-law told me that not only will I have to host her bachelorette party at my new, still under construction house, but she has also booked a sex consultant to come and give a toy presentation. There's a $350 minimum spend. Only 5 people are coming, 4 of which are family. FML

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By Taco Hell - 19/10/2012 06:43 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I got threatened to get dragged out of the window at work because I wouldn't sell someone hot wings. I work at Taco Bell. FML

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By kat - 21/2/2012 09:53 - Reserved

Today, a client stared at me in disbelief after I mentioned that I had a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

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By canadiansun - 26/2/2010 18:37 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my dad. He met him after my boyfriend ran his truck into a tree, and my dad had to pick us up. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2012 14:15 - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend passed out on the floor. Then I passed out, due to anxiety of seeing him passed out. FML

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By diapermommy - 26/8/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

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By roidrager - 16/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Clearwater

Today, the steroids I was prescribed for a slightly irritating sinus infection have worked, albeit at the price of making me almost shit my pants multiple times. My sinuses are now clear enough that I get the full scent of my steroid-induced diarrhea. FML

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By JurassicHole - 22/4/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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By ElixirRose - 20/7/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, I killed a centipede. Now every little itch I feel, I think it's the centipede's spirit coming back to haunt me. FML

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By Daivv - 28/1/2010 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that shouting 'arsehole' at a speeding car is not a good idea. Two chavs MIGHT just turn around, drive onto the pavement and push you into a bush. FML

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Top comments

By RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5457748 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

Playboy level: Your Son

By Marty20612 | 5

#5457746 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Lol that's funny:) He's already a lady's man

Comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5457742 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:11

Charles Manly-son.

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5457783 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:24

Maybe he can give you a few tips? Seriously, though, OP, perhaps you should sit him down and have a chat.

lonewolf621 | 17

#5458085 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:26

We have a little trouble maker here.

AngelSpit | 18

#5458382 - Sunday 21 April 2013 15:32

Hey the daycare doesn't have to Tate that kind of abuse from your child they should be learning to be part of a Family and strive for Sharon and cooperation. Would it Kill you to keep your kid in line the world's Helter-Skelter enough sheesh

jessi_sunshine | 26

#5458729 - Sunday 21 April 2013 19:36

Maybe he can give you some tips? No, but seriously, OP, maybe it's time to sit him down and have a chat?

By Marty20612 | 5

#5457746 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Lol that's funny:) He's already a lady's man

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5457871 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:43

He's going to be a heart breaker one day!

Uhscanherdarklee | 10

#5457885 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:56

Or a face breaker if he continues to have women fight over him.

whos_ur_daddy1 | 19

#5457942 - Sunday 21 April 2013 5:40

Not a bad life haha

Bubbelz | 24

#5458508 - Sunday 21 April 2013 16:41

He's a tooth breaker already!

By shyeahh_fml | 19

#5457747 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:12

Your son is a badass!

miss_madison | 10

#5458717 - Sunday 21 April 2013 19:30

Her son is Dean Winchester.

By RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5457748 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

Playboy level: Your Son

greatdanen | 6

#5458093 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:45

his skill level is over 9000!!

NoFlippinWai | 24

#5458281 - Sunday 21 April 2013 13:54

WHAT? 9000?

Dashelle | 25

#5619731 - Friday 9 August 2013 7:05

We got another Hugh Hefner

By Eorlas | 31

#5457753 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:13

I hope he's capitalizing on that skill.

klovemachine | 24

#5457823 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:57

Future pimp :-D

kingdrizzt | 5

#5457898 - Sunday 21 April 2013 5:05

At 5???? O.o

lmasters35 | 5

#5458603 - Sunday 21 April 2013 18:23

Did you miss the part where it says "FUTURE" pimp? As in, NOT right now?

By groovycrazyjoe | 18

#5457755 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:14

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lilhellian | 26

#5457773 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:18

How does Johnny Knoxvill fit into this comment?

snugglesMcGee199 | 23

#5458090 - Sunday 21 April 2013 9:39

May the odds be ever in your favor!!!!!!

By Authoress14 | 15

#5457758 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:14

I see a CIA operative in his future career

musiciangirl591 | 16

#5457786 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:26

"the name's bond, james bond" :P

iLike2Teabag | 27

#5457870 - Sunday 21 April 2013 4:42

Because James Bond is totally CIA and totally American.

C'mon man.

Catkam623 | 27

#5458568 - Sunday 21 April 2013 17:40

*the names Leiter... Felix Leiter.

musiciangirl591 | 16

#5458809 - Sunday 21 April 2013 20:43

34- i saw CIA operative and its the first thing that popped into my head :P

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5458858 - Sunday 21 April 2013 21:31

Bourne, Jason Bourne.

Catkam623 | 27

#5459427 - Monday 22 April 2013 6:01

Bourne was ex medusa then treadstone. He was only used by the CIA wasn't actually a operative.

Linebacker74 | 8

#5804754 - Wednesday 25 December 2013 17:16

Dammit 114 let us have this one thing

By DejonE | 10

#5457764 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:15

Just wait till high school

lennelleong | 33

#5580003 - Sunday 14 July 2013 17:56

What, are you gonna make him wear a chastity belt & groin lock before high school? (: Kids are so sexually precocious these days....

By AnimeBitch | 14

#5457767 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:16

Welcome to the Jersey Shore Day Care :).

By CatchMe25 | 16

#5457769 - Sunday 21 April 2013 3:17

Ahh the joys of young love! Haha

RainbowDashie140 | 12

#5458590 - Sunday 21 April 2013 18:05

They're 5 years old. Get real.

someteenager | 13

#5459117 - Monday 22 April 2013 3:27

I think she was joking

CatchMe25 | 16

#5463583 - Wednesday 24 April 2013 19:25

I apologize that my own brand of wit has been lost on you and you felt the need to spread your unhappiness. You should work on that and try not to take yourself so seriously! (Sarcasm indicated)