Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the... - FML

24/07/2019 00:01

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 732

You deserved it 740

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Double trouble

Business school of business school

13/12/2016 13:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for going potty inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 170

You deserved it 3 313

Help yourself

By danielle1575 - 24/06/2021 04:01 - United States

Today, my older, pill-addicted brother, came over to visit with me. After he left, I realized all my Vicodin was gone. I got my wisdom teeth removed two hours ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 980

You deserved it 208

26/08/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend was in the midst of giving me head when she got lockjaw. My dick was stuck inside her mouth as she bit down on it for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 325

You deserved it 731

23/01/2010 16:09 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 211

You deserved it 3 431

02/11/2015 22:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss made up a rumor that I was quitting my job so I wouldn't get the promotion that was coming up. There goes that raise I've been wanting for six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 870

You deserved it 1 522

Odd one out

By fun_gal - 25/03/2020 17:00

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 207

23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 381

You deserved it 11 408

08/08/2009 07:18 - Canada

Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 753

You deserved it 83 153

09/10/2018 16:00 - United States - Portsmouth

Today, my wife asked me to come talk to her in the bedroom. Thinking she wanted to have a quickie while her sister was spending time with our son, I rushed into the room. She didn't want a quickie, she wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 848

You deserved it 438

Medicare for all, please

By thefirstcutisthedeepest - 30/09/2021 14:01

Today, I cut my leg deeply at the beginning of my work shift. I wrapped it up with packing tape and a thankfully sterile paper towel, and had to work 6 more hours before I could leave. I made 110 dollars at work, only to spend 120 on stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 145

13/12/2011 02:15 - Australia

Today, I found out that I'm working on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. I'm spending my favourite time of the year working for $8.70 an hour. At McDonald's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 251

You deserved it 9 242

15/04/2011 05:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 810

You deserved it 57 272

11/04/2013 00:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my social teacher thought it would be a great idea to have a casual debate about Margaret Thatcher and her legacy. Within 10 minutes, the entire class was yelling, screaming, throwing stuff at each other. I got hit in the face with a binder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 366

You deserved it 3 861

"Now, I ain't sayin' she a gold digger…"

By Anonymous - 27/05/2020 20:00

Today, my wife wants a divorce. Apparently, she only married me for my potential, since my twin brother is a lawyer, she hoped I’d become a success as well, but since I’m content to be a carpenter, she considers me a disappointment and a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 143

04/07/2015 03:29 - United States - Panora

Today, I took an online IQ test, even though I knew they give everyone unrealistically high scores. My score was 73. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 581

You deserved it 5 485

27/07/2013 04:47 - United States - Arlington

Today, my family and I visited my cousins in Virginia. When we arrived, we found that they already had guests over. I've stuttered my whole life, so when they asked me what my name was, I stuttered for several seconds trying to say my name. Everyone burst out laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 029

You deserved it 3 814

09/01/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 557

You deserved it 7 746

18/12/2011 05:18 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my dad came to pick me up early for the Christmas break. He walked in on me cleaning all 19 of my sex toys. That's more than one sex toy per year that I've lived. I now have to face a 7-hour drive from Montreal to Toronto with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 214

You deserved it 44 129

20/10/2011 06:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been "single" on numerous occasions during our 9 month relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 885

You deserved it 3 565

Live through this

By Artist man - 08/01/2021 07:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend walked out on me because she realised she doesn’t love me enough to go through a second lockdown with me and our 2-year-old daughter FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 87

22/06/2013 07:31 - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 780

You deserved it 51 193

Cravings

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, on my way home from work, I decided to bring my pregnant wife a bouquet of roses to surprise her. Her response? "Why didn't you get me something useful, like chicken wings, instead?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 139

You deserved it 11 072

23/04/2011 08:37 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 081

You deserved it 10 777

02/02/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 839

You deserved it 32 468

18/12/2017 18:00 - Armenia - Yerevan

Today, I got a little too drunk at my best friend's birthday party and threw up in the pub bathroom. I wiped everything up, composed myself, and went back to the party table before promptly throwing up on myself in front of the whole pub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 955

You deserved it 3 616

14/07/2011 08:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 660

You deserved it 9 042

09/06/2015 16:12 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 357

You deserved it 2 054

Ouch

By Aracrifice98 - 03/07/2021 01:59

Today, the day after saying that I'd never broken a bone, I snapped my fibula in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 731

You deserved it 106

TMI

By PatientInWaiting - 19/03/2012 10:37 - United States

Today, I had a conversation with another patient in my gyno's waiting room. It was about her getting pregnant in a truck while passed out drunk, her therapist's frequent use of a "For Dummies" books, and how she had waxed and oiled everything to impress our doctor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 159

You deserved it 2 472

10/12/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 142

You deserved it 40 446

13/01/2013 06:39 - United States - Miami

Spicy

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 561

You deserved it 12 431

So selfish

By Anonymous - 26/04/2020 14:00

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 710

You deserved it 103

18/06/2018 14:30 - United States

Today, exactly 28 days after I started my last period, I started a new period. This would be perfectly healthy and normal except that my last period was 24 days long. This has happened every month this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 428

You deserved it 292

01/07/2017 16:00

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 746

You deserved it 413

06/01/2009 08:28 - France

Today, I couldn't take home the free weights I'd planned on buying to start bodybuilding 'cos I couldn't lift the box, which was too heavy for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 998

You deserved it 5 460

Neuter your pets

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 20:01

Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 1 077

20/09/2018 13:30

Today, despite having long hair and wearing makeup and a dress, I was still mistaken for a man several times. I'm a girl and I was born a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 934

You deserved it 185

20/08/2013 13:41 - United States - Austin

Today, I went to see a therapist for help with my severe fear of spiders. The therapist held a big spider in a box inches away from my face. I ran to the back of the room and asked him why. He responded with, "Aren't therapists supposed to help you face your fears?" I'm paying $150 an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 500

You deserved it 7 755

08/01/2016 21:57 - United States - Spring Valley

Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 756

You deserved it 4 616

12/11/2018 12:00

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 345

You deserved it 472

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:35

You don’t have to marry her to stay together

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:44

Wait a minute. Hold on. Don't go anywhere. Oh, right... Seriously, though... was it a realization that you didn't want to be with her anymore, that you just didn't want to marry her, or does she not want to get married, but you do?

Comments

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:29

So you just ditched your girlfriend after dumping her and left?

EmDizzle2007 28

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:23

you seem confused

EmDizzle2007 28

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:24

you seem confused

EmDizzle2007 28

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:25

confused??

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:35

You don’t have to marry her to stay together

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:06

waste of both their times let's be honest.

Send a private message

Wednesday 24 July 2019 2:48

How exactly is being content in your relationship a waste of time?

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Sunday 28 July 2019 17:14

They’re probably not content, that’s why they don’t want to marry her

BurnInDemonFire 32

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:44

Wait a minute. Hold on. Don't go anywhere. Oh, right... Seriously, though... was it a realization that you didn't want to be with her anymore, that you just didn't want to marry her, or does she not want to get married, but you do?

RichardPencil 30

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:08

Sounds like the car has other plans for you and your girlfriend.

EmDizzle2007 28

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:22

the universe isn't gonna let yup you quit.

EmDizzle2007 28

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:23

the universe isn't gonna let yup you quit.

jbuckets_404 38

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 7:54

So you chose to live in your car before finding a place to live?

Johnny Yoakum 7

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Wednesday 24 July 2019 23:47

Women do shit like this. Ridiculous.

i8cake 12

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Thursday 25 July 2019 5:12

getting a car fixed is easier and cheaper than a divorce, good on you for taking the decision seriously. sucks that it had to end

Taurus_ChicKa 36

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Saturday 27 July 2019 4:09

Well that sucks, but it's not your fault. If you don't see the relationship going anywhere, it's your right to end it. The question is, was it a civil, mutual breakup? Or do you think she somehow tampered with your car? This day and age, anything is possible.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 363

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 609

You deserved it 69