Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the... - FML

By Anonymous

Today, after a year of living with my girlfriend, I came to the conclusion that I'm never going to marry her. I packed my things, wished her well in her life, and loaded everything up into my car. It's been working fine up until this afternoon. Now it won't start. FML

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Proactive

Fancy a pint?

Alexa, play "Leave Me Alone" by New Order

By shaggy - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML

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By MyLife

Today, my best friend broke up with her partner. In retaliation, he got drunk and stole my car, then crashed it into a neighbour's house. Then after dealing with the police who didn't arrest him, he and my best friend made up and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2021 22:59

Real life

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of 16 months has had an "internet-only" girlfriend since before we got together, but she wasn't ever "real" to him, so he didn't think it would get in the way. FML

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By Donewiththis

Today, my cat was diagnosed with FIV, to which my in-laws said, "That's impossible!" Apparently, what is possible though is that aliens are stealing their pool water. FML

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By Beva - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, due to technical problems, I had to call the company's IT-support as my computer went totally haywire. I explained via phone that I couldn't access anything. The support then tried contacting me by e-mail and got upset with me when I didn't answer. FML

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By ohmylantis - United States

Today, my boyfriend was introducing me to some business partners. As he was going along telling me their names, when he introduced me, he called me by my best friend's name. FML

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By cek4uytp - United States

Today, my boyfriend caught me in a lie about being on my period. He memorized my menstrual cycle, but still forgot that today is my birthday. FML

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By depr3ssed - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

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By J……… - 16/10/2020 02:02

Dog whisperer

Today, my new dog broke out of his new crate, ate my door, pissed on the floor, and trashed my room. I got him to help with my anxiety, but all he does is give me more anxiety. The worst part is that I adopted him as a favor to a friend, because she couldn’t handle him. FML

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By Tejanoswhy

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of five years gave me the silent treatment, refusing to talk to me or do anything more than glare at me during the entire three hour drive we took this morning. Why? Because I slept with his best friend. In his dream last night. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By Dunnie

Today, my aunt was itchy down there and sent me to buy a vaginal cream at the pharmacy. The pharmacist was a cute boy and was flirting with me. I said I needed a cream and he asked what for. When I said vaginal cream, he stopped smiling, got the cream, and said, "Good luck." FML

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By J.O.S - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was stabbed in the chest. Not with a knife though, the under-wire from my bra escaped and stabbed me in the boob. FML

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By Sl3vin - United States

Today, I went on a third date with a guy, hoping that maybe finally I would get some physical interaction. I did. I got a high five. FML

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By thrifty gone wrong - United States - El Cajon

Today, I received a birthday present from a friend. It was the very same gift I gave to her for Christmas. FML

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By fat girl - United States - North Pole

Today, my coworkers decided to throw me a surprise baby shower. I'm not pregnant. FML

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By oops - United States

Today, I walked past a church with a bunch of people standing outside waiting for the bride and groom to walk out. When the church doors opened, I yelled congratulations as loud as I could. It was a funeral. FML

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By peevedemployee - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

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By life101 - 19/10/2020 13:56

PMS FTW

Today, I realized how emotional I get around my time of month when I cried because a cheese commercial was so "touching." FML

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By Buzzie - United States

Today, I learned that my apartment's walls are thin enough for my neighbors to hear my vibrator. I've lived in this apartment for three years. I've been single and horny for all of them. FML

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By kids next door - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

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By "Jester94752"

Today, a co-worker who lives 30 minutes out of my way had broken down so I picked him up. We were both 5 minutes late and both got fired. Our department takes 30-60 minutes to even start running. FML

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By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

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By SOMAgirl - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to put some streamers on my bike handles, even though I knew they would probably be stolen fairly quickly. I went into a restaurant to eat, and when I came out both my wheels were gone, but at least the streamers were still there. FML

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By Mark - United States

Today, a car backed into mine. I thought that was pretty bad, until another car backed into me right after I'd finished taking the first guy's info. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a hard-on looking at my best friend. He asked me how my NutriSystem diet was going. He was looking at my friend's boobs when he asked me. FML

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By I hate my job - Canada - Delta

Today, I went to my retail job to buy some clothing. As soon as I walked through the doors, my manager yelled at me for not being in appropriate work clothes. I tried to explain that I was off the clock but he was having none of it. I got written up. FML

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By Trapped - Australia

Today, I failed a basic intelligence test when the mouse trap I was setting up snapped on my thumb. Later, when I checked the trap I saw that the mouse had managed to lick all the bait off the trap without being caught, I have a sore thumb and was outsmarted by a rodent. FML

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By ColdMN - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

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By Makusu420 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my dad sent me $200 by mail, only to mail it to the wrong person. So now some random person is getting $200 from my dad. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I flashed my boobs at my boyfriend's boss. My boyfriend was wearing tan pants and a black sweater. His boss was wearing black pants and a tan sweater. From 100 feet away they looked the same until my boyfriend came behind me wanting to know what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after failing my Ls twice in the previous weeks, I finally passed. As I got home, I went for a drive with my dad. I smashed my mums car into an old ladys fence and ended up in her backyard. FML

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By Beestings - United States

Today, I was complaining to my husband about a busty but vapid celebrity, and he replied, "She doesn't need brains, honey, she has boobs. You wouldn't understand." FML

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By Redhottt6

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I paid a social visit to my grandparents. While we were watching the news, a story came on about the Queen of England. I scoffed, "How is she not dead already? How old is she, anyway?" My grandmother replied, "About my age." Oops. FML

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hartford

Today, my girlfriend started bitching me out about how public proposals are unfair and how they pressure a girl to say yes. All I did was get on my knee to tie a loose shoelace. FML

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Top comments

By mas12806 | 22

#7823988 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:35

You don’t have to marry her to stay together

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7823992 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:44

Wait a minute. Hold on. Don't go anywhere. Oh, right...

Seriously, though... was it a realization that you didn't want to be with her anymore, that you just didn't want to marry her, or does she not want to get married, but you do?

COMMENTS

By Alup132 | 22

#7823984 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:29

So you just ditched your girlfriend after dumping her and left?

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7824017 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:23

you seem confused

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7824018 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:24

you seem confused

Reply

EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7824019 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:25

confused??

By mas12806 | 22

#7823988 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:35

You don’t have to marry her to stay together

Reply

lilbiggie814 | 3

#7824002 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:06

waste of both their times let's be honest.

Reply

Hempseed | 23

#7824033 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 2:48

How exactly is being content in your relationship a waste of time?

Reply

JuliaKay14 | 32

#7826309 - Sunday 28 July 2019 17:14

They’re probably not content, that’s why they don’t want to marry her

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7823992 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 0:44

Wait a minute. Hold on. Don't go anywhere. Oh, right...

Seriously, though... was it a realization that you didn't want to be with her anymore, that you just didn't want to marry her, or does she not want to get married, but you do?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7824004 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:08

Sounds like the car has other plans for you and your girlfriend.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7824015 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:22

the universe isn't gonna let yup
you quit.

By EmDizzle2007 | 28

#7824016 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 1:23

the universe isn't gonna let yup
you quit.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7824091 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 7:54

So you chose to live in your car before finding a place to live?

By Johnny Yoakum | 7

#7824443 - Wednesday 24 July 2019 23:47

Women do shit like this. Ridiculous.

By i8cake | 12

#7824498 - Thursday 25 July 2019 5:12

getting a car fixed is easier and cheaper than a divorce, good on you for taking the decision seriously.

sucks that it had to end

By Taurus_ChicKa | 36

#7825715 - Saturday 27 July 2019 4:09

Well that sucks, but it's not your fault. If you don't see the relationship going anywhere, it's your right to end it. The question is, was it a civil, mutual breakup? Or do you think she somehow tampered with your car? This day and age, anything is possible.