Intimacy: Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room... - FML

By konens_dick - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

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Delusional

Scoville scale

Zeitgeist

By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, I returned to work after taking two days off to find I'd been fired. Why? For not being at work on those two days. Everything was agreed in writing, all trace of which has mysteriously vanished. I can't work until HR sorts it out, and nobody can tell me how long that'll take. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Friendswood

Today, I brought a boy over to my house to help with a history project. My mom suddenly swooped in and bombarded him with questions about his and my sex life, and how she wants to have exactly four grandchildren. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - York

Today, my boyfriend's mum publicly shamed him on Facebook after she caught him having sex under her roof today. Everyone thought it was hilarious, except me. Not because I'm ashamed, but because I'm over 300 miles away right now. FML

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By Herbiee - United Kingdom

Today, I shaved off the beard I had been forced to grow over the past 3 weeks due to forgetting my razor when away. 15 Minutes in, with half my beard gone, I realised I had got a tan everywhere but my beard. I now have a large white patch on my face. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother refused to buy a cat because my sister is allergic to them. She bought a rabbit instead. I'm allergic to rabbits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Howell

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2021 23:00 - United States

Stuck

Today, while on my way to deliver aluminum to a customer on top of a really steep hill, there wasn't enough room to do a U-turn without clipping a vehicle. I had to go through some mud, so now the company semi is bumper-deep in it. FML

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By Matt - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

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By jobless - France

Today, I've been dating a girl for a year and she's only touched my penis twice. Once by accident. FML

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By Username

Today, my daughter went potty. Just as she always does, she came up to me and announced, "I flushed, and wiped, and shut the light off." Then she did something brand new. She covered my face with her hand and asked, "Do these fingers smell?" They did. FML

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By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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By cstokes - United States

Today, at work, I was supposed to have an easy two-hour shift, after which I was planning on attending a party that had been arranged to celebrate my graduation. Nearly six hours later, I am just getting home after being super busy and shorthanded at work for hours. I missed my own party. FML

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By Airplane crap - United States - Leavenworth

Today, I got stuck on an airplane for a while before takeoff. Someone decided it was a great time to get diarrhea while on the toilet, and we couldn't take off for safety reasons. FML

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By WasteOMoney - United States

Today, my son called me from medical school, asking for a new phone. Why? Because he dropped it in the toilet. How? Trying to videotape his anus while taking a dump. I pay $80,000 a year just to hear he took a dump on his phone. FML

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By ishweta56 - United States

Today, me and my friend are sitting here on fmylife.com while our boyfriends are out clubbing. FML

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By thafinest - United States

Thanks, "Mom"

Today, I received a call from a collection agency. Since I had no clue, I was ready to file a police report for stolen identity. I then called my mom only to find out she has been opening new credit cards with my information for 3 years and not paying them. My credit is ruined and I'm only 21. FML

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By larsn - United States - San Antonio

Today, I regret calling my hardass boss a cocksucking bastard when I quit a few months back. My new job just laid me off, and I could desperately use a good reference from the aforementioned cocksucking bastard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pearland

Today, trying to be friendly, I said good morning to the creepy guy at work. He responded by wordlessly hugging me. I was touched, until I realized he was trying to unhook my bra. FML

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By Thalassophobic - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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By anon - Australia

Today, my daughter asked why there was an X marked on a telephone pole. I told her they were going to remove it. She started crying and saying, "They can't kill the tree!" She is 16. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, as a public defender, my client was actually innocent for once. I intended to utterly destroy the prosecution's case and demonstrate his good character. That plan went straight to hell when he showed up heavily intoxicated. FML

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By TrashGirl

Today, for our 8th wedding anniversary I gave my husband several well-thought-out gifts. He gave me divorce papers. FML

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By santashelper - United States

Today, I took my kids to the mall to see Santa. While waiting in line, my eldest got bored and loudly complained, "I don't know why we're here. Santa's not even real." I don't think any of the kids within a hundred feet took the news very well. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after over a year of lifestyle changes and a ritualistic exercise regime, I finally reached my goal weight. I excitedly told my boyfriend, and he responded, "Yeah, that's nice, but now your tits are tiny". FML

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By Anonymous - Norway - Oslo

Today, my boyfriend bought me a silver necklace. I have a silver allergy, but I thanked him anyway and encouraged him to return it. I found out later that he knew about my allergy all along and bought it on purpose so he could return it, get a refund, and still look good. FML

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By hpberkla - 5/9/2020 23:01

Fast food

Today, I was at the Wendy's drive-through with my four kids in the car. As the worker handed me my food through the window, a man wearing a ski mask ran right between us, snatched the bags of food and took off. They refused to refund me for the food, because they said I staged the whole thing. FML

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By DriedDeadFroggo

Today, my dog has figured out how to open screen doors on his own, by body checking them at full force, of course, like one does. This would be all fine and good, but we live by a lake with a considerable mosquito infestation. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, it was a hot day and a woman walking in front of me collapsed. I helped her up, and I called an ambulance while she laid down. While we waited, two teenage girls walked past and I heard one say to the other, "I love how this city just lets people tan wherever". FML

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By Noname - Australia

Today, I was on a standing on a crowded bus going home after school. A wriggling 5 year old boy and his mum left the seat to get off the bus. Since no one looked keen to sit on the seat, I did, only to find out that it was covered in pee. FML

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By jessica - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By WhatdyaDo - Canada

Today, I spent a solid four hours and over one hundred dollars preparing a nice fancy meal for my new girlfriend. A delicious three pound rack of ribs with a sweet and sour marinade. Steam broccoli with melted cheese. Home made buttermilk biscuits. I serve the meal. She doesn't eat beef. FML

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By LanaStidolph

Today, I bought shampoos and household chemicals and was heading home on my bike when it started to rain. I felt a weird burning sensation down my back so I stopped and got off the bike. My backpack and jeans were covered in foam. FML

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By DuChaillu - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to perform a strip tease for me. As he was stripping out of his clothes, he took his shirt and then pants off first. He was wearing zebra striped knee high socks and underwear. I burst out laughing. He left. FML

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By rollergirl13 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, I texted my boyfriend of two years and asked if he wanted to go to ball with me. His response was "The person you are trying to message cancelled their phone service and moved to Mexico. Taco taco burrito." I'll take that as a no. FML

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By Jane - United States

Today, I found out the weekly coffee talks my husband was having with his ex-girlfriend stopped involving coffee about 2 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Landenberg

Today, I downloaded Grindr to my phone. It also downloaded to my mom's phone, my dad's phone, and my brother's phone. FML

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By RatCityChick - United States - Bellevue

Today, my grandmother said she's noticed that I've been very angry lately. She came to the conclusion that I "haven't been laid enough" and my boyfriend is "not doing his job." Thanks Grandma. FML

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By johnnyfuckfacer - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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Top comments

By CptJackSwallows | 0

#50043 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

that is bloody funny. Plan on how to get him back.

By Inkspell | 2

#50045 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:29

LMAO. that's a fun roommate.

COMMENTS

By zeeduhb | 0

#50041 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Justforlolz | 14

#1087474 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:48

That's some sick shit there, Jimmy!

Reply

Laxer21 | 0

#1151039 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:56

wat a dick

Reply

DearLar | 0

#1285365 - Sunday 22 August 2010 17:25

fyl .

Reply

babygirl995 | 0

#1287911 - Monday 23 August 2010 4:29

your room mate is a genius

Reply

terranada | 3

#1314229 - Sunday 29 August 2010 2:02

lol I love ur roommate!!! xD

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#1374094 - Thursday 9 September 2010 3:07

your roommate is pro

Reply

confusdsincbirth | 5

#1469366 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 15:07

ferrettamer i love ur pic. its true for me -.-

Reply

belouie | 2

#1739489 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 10:52

ur gay if u say uber

Reply

boatsandhos16 | 0

#2174938 - Saturday 12 March 2011 9:39

your roommate sounds hilarious haha

Reply

steffieee | 0

#2328082 - Monday 11 April 2011 4:08

I LOVE YOUR ROOMATE<3

Reply

JipvS | 15

#2908242 - Saturday 16 July 2011 20:34

Whahaha that's hilarious! Looking forward to read his story after you caught him back! :D

Reply

The_Tool1 | 13

#4020444 - Saturday 11 February 2012 6:07

Sounds like you guys had a gay time

Reply

BaconLover27 | 1

#5192744 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 1:08

Maximum Trolling
Roommate:1
Op:0

Reply

gay_flavored_cx | 16

#5893012 - Saturday 22 March 2014 15:52

I LIKE DICK AS WELL

Reply

kaiuskc | 3

#6128311 - Wednesday 26 November 2014 20:46

Well no one like you gay boy

By CptJackSwallows | 0

#50043 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

that is bloody funny. Plan on how to get him back.

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#614908 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:46

I love how everyone assumes the roommate wasn't being serious. Maybe they did have some fun the night before.

Reply

ericshun313 | 0

#853975 - Sunday 14 February 2010 7:32

that's fuckin hilarious

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969601 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:14

EPIC WIN!!!!! I love it. Sounds like something my friends and I would do. Then laugh our asses off about it.

Reply

Nicksaysheyyy | 0

#977314 - Saturday 10 April 2010 17:05

gay

Reply

30hockeyfan4 | 0

#1015137 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 15:58

last night wha......

Reply

hobojo11 | 0

#1642793 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:07

by what dick slaping him

Reply

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2111073 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 13:33

what did your dad say

Reply

niccipicki | 0

#3652409 - Monday 28 November 2011 9:40

Pure gold

By Inkspell | 2

#50045 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:29

LMAO. that's a fun roommate.

By lemyou | 0

#50049 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:30

BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#2970575 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:46

Owned

Reply

thanks_guys | 14

#6116760 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 15:24

~~(•_•)~~

^ laughing dance

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#50052 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

Hahaha! You're roommate is awesome!

Reply

Mikemfm88 | 6

#3452077 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 21:22

True that!

Reply

lolandstuff | 8

#5091403 - Sunday 28 October 2012 16:04

*Your

By ammali | 0

#50054 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

LOL NICE!

By eastsidehippie | 0

#50055 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

Good luck trying to explain that one

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3728397 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 4:02

"Uhh, dad... He's... We're not... Just.... Nevermind. So how's mom?"

By nando92 | 0

#50064 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:33

HAHAHAH id wanna chill with your roommate (no homo)

Reply

iMP0W3R | 0

#1226985 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

rednick95 | 0

#2240952 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:51

379-moron none of them were gay he was just screwing his friend over since he knew his dad was there

Reply

roflrawrlol | 0

#3027361 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:35

how did he know it was his dad if it was a surprise visit?

Reply

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#3683067 - Sunday 4 December 2011 20:13

379-Hanging out with someone is gay? 0.o

Reply

yuuudiii | 13

#3711054 - Saturday 10 December 2011 13:40

he is nuts, but his room mate are cool

By Meri_fml | 0

#50067 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:34

xD Your roommate is AWESOME! xDD

By dsous72 | 0

#50068 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:34

Thats funny as F***

but heres a plan next time he brings a girl back to the room wake them both up and shot

"I can't believe you went out last night got drunk and brought home another girl this is hurting our relationship and i can't be with you if you keep cheating on me"

followed by " this one doesn't look too manly what were you thinking!"

Reply

Fentown_fml | 4

#602101 - Sunday 4 October 2009 2:24

Hilarious!

Reply

lovesux2013 | 0

#909843 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:49

wow #10 nice one :) hahahahahahaha agreed.

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969604 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:16

perfect idea. love it.

Reply

daniisme | 0

#973549 - Saturday 3 April 2010 11:56

or;

OP: hey, I've invited your family to dinner, my treat.
room mate: k, sweet

(enter fancy resteraunt)

-OP gets down on one leg in front of family-

OP (in gay voice) Sweetheart, I've invited your family here to show them we are in love, no longer will we have to hide it. Will you marry me?

room mate: shit...

Reply

2011softballgirl | 0

#1870137 - Monday 20 December 2010 16:17

omg love this idea! freaking halarious!!! =)

Reply

hmlftw | 0

#2137473 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 17:40

Epic win!

Reply

RealityChecker | 0

#2212290 - Sunday 20 March 2011 22:51

10: win, 361: epic win.

Reply

peterubino | 2

#2885197 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:37

haha nice one

Reply

Legendslayer222 | 26

#3195061 - Sunday 28 August 2011 14:42

@361, what if he accepts the proposal?

Reply

ShutUpAndStare | 7

#3696823 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 11:59

Then OP's screwed

Reply

Moonshadows | 1

#4505125 - Thursday 31 May 2012 21:42

LMAO! OP, please use this idea!

Reply

lenaduchannes | 4

#5098957 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:51

For the win

Reply

blackgirllb | 12

#5540917 - Tuesday 18 June 2013 17:04

that's faf

Reply

countryrose92 | 23

#6229681 - Thursday 12 March 2015 4:33

#10, wouldn't it be funnier to insult the girl by saying "you could at least do it with an attractive looking one instead of this freaky looking one" or something like that.

Make sure that ship sails away and NEVER comes back. Haha