Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room... - FML

By konens_dick - 22/3/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I awoke to the sound of my dad knocking on my dorm room door for a surprise visit. He's barely outside the door and I pull the door open and say hey, when my roommate strips naked pulls the door open, kisses me on the cheek, says in an uber-gay voice, "Thanks for last night", and leaves. FML

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Yappy neighborhood

Live dumping

Tidy your room

By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 19:35 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML

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By WaxOnWaxOff - 6/9/2012 21:50 - United States - Denver

Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML

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By Tech Savvy - 20/9/2011 00:20 - United States

Today, my ex, whom I haven't seen in two years, contacted me. She was great company back in the day, wild in bed, the most attractive person I've ever dated, and totally uninterested in a serious relationship. She wants me to fix her computer. FML

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By doomed - 22/8/2009 17:46 - United States

Today, my fiancée, who believes in "sex after marriage" like me, told me she was pregnant. FML

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By Snurkles McGree - 29/12/2011 06:47 - Canada

Today, my racist grandmother was complaining that the new nurse at her nursing home is a black woman. I casually asked, "Is she cute?" I'm now out of the will. FML

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By FrozenAnonymus - 14/7/2016 18:05 - Czech Republic - Prague

Today, I was laying on a couch with my dog watching TV when I heard my dog fart. I looked at her, she looked at me and started waving her tail, blowing it into my direction. FML

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By sleeplessinrichmond - 15/9/2013 06:02 - United States - Bronx

Today, the guy on the floor above me decided it was time for a tuba jam session. Apparently optimal tuba time is 2am. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2013 22:21 - United Kingdom - Derry

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

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By jackgrant - 7/12/2011 01:01 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2018 15:00

Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last summer... or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed. Again. FML

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By farksh - 7/3/2015 12:14 - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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By amy1023 - 26/11/2009 10:18 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

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By guy - 30/7/2012 03:24 - United States - Avon Lake

Today, I was taking a walk when I noticed an elderly man on the ground, unmoving. Being a registered nurse, I tried to give him CPR. As my lips touched his, he hacked a loogie and spat it into the back of my throat. I swallowed. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2014 04:12 - United States - Woodland

Today, my mom left the house in the morning, leaving me alone. I called and I got no answer. Hours later, she finally answers one of my calls and tells me that she'd been in an AA meeting all this time. Happy, I tell her to come home. She came home drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2013 21:34 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, at work, I felt a sudden, all-too-familiar pain in my stomach. I ran for the restroom, but before I could get there, I shat myself. I had to limp the rest of the way, then beg my boss to let me go home. He said no and told me to get back to work. FML

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By crub - 5/3/2009 15:10 - United States

Today, I had my quarterly review with my supervisor at the warehouse I work at. He told me I was doing great and we discussed my raise. After I left his office, his supervisor told me I was being fired for my attendance. The last time I missed work was to attend a funeral. Five months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2014 18:47 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I decided to check out a dating site, when I stumbled across my ex wife's profile. She'd had it for four out of the five years of our marriage. And no, it didn't rate us as a good match. FML

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By Irony - 8/10/2009 11:40 - United States

Today, my dad took a call while driving. He always yells and curses at people who talk on their cell while driving. I asked him to get off the phone because it's dangerous, and told him he's being a hypocrite. He shook his head at me and continued talking. Seconds later, we got into an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 00:09 - United States

Today, formal portraits of my entire class were posted online, with about five photos per person. As my mom was looking at them, she was commenting about how pretty all my classmates look. When she got to my photos, all she had to say was "ugh". FML

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By yayaimannoying - 9/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, I posted a pic of my prom dress on facebook. The dress looked amazing on me and it just felt so right. So I spent every single dollar I had and some borrowed to buy the dress. When I logged on later that night, the first comment asked "Is this a joke?" FML

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By tracey - 19/10/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for going 85mph in a 60mph zone on a highway in the Everglades. There were cars passing both the cop and me as I was being pulled over. The cop decided I was easiest to catch since I was the slowest of the bunch even though the other cars were topping 100mph. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2013 08:38 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, on the train, I was sitting next to a homeless man. As we left the train he shook my hand and was seemingly on his way. That was until he caught me greeting my boyfriend, to which he decided to tell the romantic story of how he murdered a man for "getting too close to his woman." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 10:51 - Australia

Today, I registered on an irritable bowel support group, unknowingly linking it to my Facebook wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2012 06:29 - United States

Today, I was cooking and I burned my thumb. I had some first-aid burn spray, so I sprayed it on. I went outside to smoke a cigarette, and when I flicked my lighter, my thumb went up in flames. Turns out that first-aid burn spray is flammable. FML

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By still single - 6/8/2015 01:22 - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2019 06:00 - Australia

Roller coaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2013 21:39 - United States - Arcata

Today, I interviewed three elderly residents at a nursing home, hoping to use the transcript for a very important paper due next week. It went great, so I wrapped up and drove home. I sat down to start typing, and realized that my recording had stopped ten minutes in. FML

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By Kath - 8/2/2009 13:55 - Poland

Today, I was reading an article about girls who have low self-esteem and end up whoring around to feel better. When I finished, I realized it was actually written by my best friend. The girl in the article was me. FML

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By PghSportsNation - 2/9/2011 14:56 - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By fuauntflo - 7/7/2020 17:01

Thanks, I'm cured!

Today, I went to the ER because of an intensely heavy flow. They kept me waiting so long that, although I was wearing a super absorbent tampon and a pad, I still bled through three times. When I was finally seen, the doctor said, "Try using a higher absorbency and follow up with your regular physician." FML

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By pretty princess - 1/2/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, my cat, who is very 'don't-ever-touch-me', jumped up next to me as if she wanted to be stroked. In reality, she wanted to share a hellish fart. I need a new cat. FML

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By Whatever479 - 17/2/2011 17:29 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous. - 31/12/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, the guy I've been texting told me he loved me and he couldn't wait to make me his wife, and he couldn't wait for us to have kids and grow old together. I've only known him for 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2012 03:59 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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By Karmas3itch - 12/5/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, I was taking a bath and needed shampoo. I leaned on the soap holder to get some and it came off the wall. Huge ants started pouring out running up the walls, down the walls, EVERYWHERE. I ran out of the bathroom screaming, completely naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 03:11 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By tommy - 6/6/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

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Top comments

By CptJackSwallows | 0

#50043 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

that is bloody funny. Plan on how to get him back.

By Inkspell | 2

#50045 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:29

LMAO. that's a fun roommate.

COMMENTS

By zeeduhb | 0

#50041 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Justforlolz | 13

#1087474 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 5:48

That's some sick shit there, Jimmy!

Reply

Laxer21 | 0

#1151039 - Wednesday 28 July 2010 4:56

wat a dick

Reply

DearLar | 0

#1285365 - Sunday 22 August 2010 17:25

fyl .

Reply

babygirl995 | 0

#1287911 - Monday 23 August 2010 4:29

your room mate is a genius

Reply

terranada | 3

#1314229 - Sunday 29 August 2010 2:02

lol I love ur roommate!!! xD

Reply

ferrettamer | 6

#1374094 - Thursday 9 September 2010 3:07

your roommate is pro

Reply

confusdsincbirth | 5

#1469366 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 15:07

ferrettamer i love ur pic. its true for me -.-

Reply

belouie | 2

#1739489 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 10:52

ur gay if u say uber

Reply

boatsandhos16 | 0

#2174938 - Saturday 12 March 2011 9:39

your roommate sounds hilarious haha

Reply

steffieee | 0

#2328082 - Monday 11 April 2011 4:08

I LOVE YOUR ROOMATE<3

Reply

JipvS | 15

#2908242 - Saturday 16 July 2011 20:34

Whahaha that's hilarious! Looking forward to read his story after you caught him back! :D

Reply

The_Tool1 | 13

#4020444 - Saturday 11 February 2012 6:07

Sounds like you guys had a gay time

Reply

BaconLover27 | 1

#5192744 - Wednesday 28 November 2012 1:08

Maximum Trolling
Roommate:1
Op:0

Reply

gay_flavored_cx | 16

#5893012 - Saturday 22 March 2014 15:52

I LIKE DICK AS WELL

Reply

kaiuskc | 3

#6128311 - Wednesday 26 November 2014 20:46

Well no one like you gay boy

By CptJackSwallows | 0

#50043 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:28

that is bloody funny. Plan on how to get him back.

Reply

GreenHacker | 0

#614908 - Sunday 11 October 2009 7:46

I love how everyone assumes the roommate wasn't being serious. Maybe they did have some fun the night before.

Reply

ericshun313 | 0

#853975 - Sunday 14 February 2010 7:32

that's fuckin hilarious

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969601 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:14

EPIC WIN!!!!! I love it. Sounds like something my friends and I would do. Then laugh our asses off about it.

Reply

Nicksaysheyyy | 0

#977314 - Saturday 10 April 2010 17:05

gay

Reply

30hockeyfan4 | 0

#1015137 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 15:58

last night wha......

Reply

hobojo11 | 0

#1642793 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:07

by what dick slaping him

Reply

iluvmemicookies | 0

#2111073 - Tuesday 22 February 2011 13:33

what did your dad say

Reply

niccipicki | 0

#3652409 - Monday 28 November 2011 9:40

Pure gold

By Inkspell | 2

#50045 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:29

LMAO. that's a fun roommate.

By lemyou | 0

#50049 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:30

BAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA

Reply

gntfmlingnow | 12

#2970575 - Monday 25 July 2011 8:46

Owned

Reply

thanks_guys | 14

#6116760 - Wednesday 12 November 2014 15:24

~~(•_•)~~

^ laughing dance

By fillmyheart028 | 0

#50052 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

Hahaha! You're roommate is awesome!

Reply

Mikemfm88 | 6

#3452077 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 21:22

True that!

Reply

lolandstuff | 8

#5091403 - Sunday 28 October 2012 16:04

*Your

By ammali | 0

#50054 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

LOL NICE!

By eastsidehippie | 0

#50055 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:31

Good luck trying to explain that one

Reply

dudeman1212 | 22

#3728397 - Wednesday 14 December 2011 4:02

"Uhh, dad... He's... We're not... Just.... Nevermind. So how's mom?"

By nando92 | 0

#50064 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:33

HAHAHAH id wanna chill with your roommate (no homo)

Reply

iMP0W3R | 0

#1226985 - Thursday 12 August 2010 7:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

rednick95 | 0

#2240952 - Friday 25 March 2011 18:51

379-moron none of them were gay he was just screwing his friend over since he knew his dad was there

Reply

roflrawrlol | 0

#3027361 - Wednesday 3 August 2011 6:35

how did he know it was his dad if it was a surprise visit?

Reply

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#3683067 - Sunday 4 December 2011 20:13

379-Hanging out with someone is gay? 0.o

Reply

yuuudiii | 13

#3711054 - Saturday 10 December 2011 13:40

he is nuts, but his room mate are cool

By Meri_fml | 0

#50067 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:34

xD Your roommate is AWESOME! xDD

By dsous72 | 0

#50068 - Sunday 22 March 2009 16:34

Thats funny as F***

but heres a plan next time he brings a girl back to the room wake them both up and shot

"I can't believe you went out last night got drunk and brought home another girl this is hurting our relationship and i can't be with you if you keep cheating on me"

followed by " this one doesn't look too manly what were you thinking!"

Reply

Fentown_fml | 4

#602101 - Sunday 4 October 2009 2:24

Hilarious!

Reply

lovesux2013 | 0

#909843 - Wednesday 3 March 2010 4:49

wow #10 nice one :) hahahahahahaha agreed.

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969604 - Sunday 28 March 2010 3:16

perfect idea. love it.

Reply

daniisme | 0

#973549 - Saturday 3 April 2010 11:56

or;

OP: hey, I've invited your family to dinner, my treat.
room mate: k, sweet

(enter fancy resteraunt)

-OP gets down on one leg in front of family-

OP (in gay voice) Sweetheart, I've invited your family here to show them we are in love, no longer will we have to hide it. Will you marry me?

room mate: shit...

Reply

2011softballgirl | 0

#1870137 - Monday 20 December 2010 16:17

omg love this idea! freaking halarious!!! =)

Reply

hmlftw | 0

#2137473 - Tuesday 1 March 2011 17:40

Epic win!

Reply

RealityChecker | 0

#2212290 - Sunday 20 March 2011 22:51

10: win, 361: epic win.

Reply

peterubino | 2

#2885197 - Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:37

haha nice one

Reply

Legendslayer222 | 26

#3195061 - Sunday 28 August 2011 14:42

@361, what if he accepts the proposal?

Reply

ShutUpAndStare | 7

#3696823 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 11:59

Then OP's screwed

Reply

Moonshadows | 1

#4505125 - Thursday 31 May 2012 21:42

LMAO! OP, please use this idea!

Reply

lenaduchannes | 4

#5098957 - Tuesday 30 October 2012 23:51

For the win

Reply

blackgirllb | 12

#5540917 - Tuesday 18 June 2013 17:04

that's faf

Reply

countryrose92 | 23

#6229681 - Thursday 12 March 2015 4:33

#10, wouldn't it be funnier to insult the girl by saying "you could at least do it with an attractive looking one instead of this freaky looking one" or something like that.

Make sure that ship sails away and NEVER comes back. Haha