Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML
Today, I was drying myself with a towel after a shower when I noticed a bad smell. After running out of toilet paper last night, one of my friends decided to use my clean towel to wipe herself instead. FML
Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML
Today, I was washing my hands in my workplace's bathroom and caught my reflection in the mirror. I had toothpaste smeared all over my cheek. I spent the rest of the day wondering how many people had noticed and said nothing. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, I grabbed a fresh hand towel from the drawer in the bathroom. I wiped my hands and noticed they smelled like shit. My 6-year-old had wiped poo from his finger onto the dark grey towels. I guess he sometimes helps the poo out. Good to know. FML
Today, I was washing my face and I started rinsing the soap off my face with my eyes closed when I felt something gooey on my face. I opened my eyes to realize I had been rubbing snot on my face from when water got up my nose and apparently snot came down with it. FML
Today, while showering, I pulled on my white exfoliating gloves ready to wash my face. As I was about to use them, a dark stain caught my eye so I sniffed the mark, only to discover it was poop. After further investigation, I found out my younger sister had been wearing them and "experimenting". FML
Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML
Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Zebidee 9
I'll post this up here, because everyone gets a chance to read it that way (and it also answers #1's question). 'Turps' is an Australian abbreviation for turpentine, either wood turpentine, or the mineral kind that is called 'white spirit' in other places. It's the stuff you use to clean paint brushes. Although it can be used as slang for alcohol, in this context, it can only mean turpentine. It's the word you'd use 99% of the time when referring to the product. There - now no-one has to ask again, and we can all get on with our lives. Oh, and OP - WTF?! How could you not smell that a mile off?
Honesty4U 0
Here in the Southern USA we just call them dish rags and countertops.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (172)
naynay104 0
turpentine....its australian slang for alcohol because some people do in fact drinks turpentine, as in 'he's getting on the turps tonight' would just mean he's drinking. And i'm assuming op is probably australian, its common enough shortening of the word here. I always refer to it as turps.
Babblez 0
No. They don't. They really don't. Australia is SO not that god damn different from America. We really aren't a completely different world just because we're in the Southern Hemisphere. Drinking turpentine is no more socially acceptable down here than it is up there. The only people that ever drink it are like homeless alcoholics who can't get their hands on a goon bag or something. And even that isn't really a common practice these days >.>
naynay104 0
also....no idea why anyone would have a teatowel soaked in turps on their bench - that shit stinks, you'd smell it a mile away.
naynay104 0
and im pretty sure op meant actual turpentine, we don't say turps all the time for alcohol, usually grog or piss if we are going to use slang - if it was rum or something op would have just said that. Plus i would only use turps in regards to alcohol if it was someone drinking some hard stuff like goon or something.
cptmorgan15 2
So if I understand this correctly, you say you're drinking piss instead of drinking beer? I may be alone on this one, but I don't like the sound of that.
kitika 2
actually drinking piss doesn't sound good at all. now drinking some vodka does. oh and turps still doesn't sound good either. no matter how you look at it.
masterkiller102 0
# 35 ftw!!!!!! rwj forever!!
titenite88 0
Two camels in a tiny car!!
bella789 8
I've heard that before bit I can't remember where..
Zebidee 9
It's what Australians use to dry themselves off after they've bathed in cold tea.
BT14 5
what is a turp??
rockell 0
that's pretty gross
heathersmorin 0
Call me an idiot but I don't understand this FML at all. Explain please??
Enummoc 10
i'm pretty sure op meant the fabric at the bottom of pants that rips off after being stepped in and worn for a long period of time. hence, they would be wiping their face with everything those pants dragged through.