Money: Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML - FML

By Anonymous - 23/08/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I applied to live in a barn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 277

You deserved it 8 613

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Another great day to be alive

Risky business

By OkieThePokie - 07/08/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 034

You deserved it 416

By ohgodwhy - 27/11/2012 23:46 - Canada - Brampton

Today, a customer at the Walmart I work at had a hissy fit and began throwing merchandise everywhere, including at my face, because we are Canadian and don't have a show called "Extreme Couponing" for "devoted shoppers" like her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 292

You deserved it 1 802

By Charlie - 05/05/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 434

You deserved it 4 891

By ... - 10/02/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 046

You deserved it 4 347

By grandpa porn - 28/08/2017 01:30

Today, while I was walking to the kitchen, I heard someone on the TV moaning. As I made my way down the stairs, I saw my grandfather quickly change the channel and lean forward. I'm 90% sure I caught my grandpa watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 561

You deserved it 332

By Anonymous - 29/09/2013 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 321

You deserved it 2 864

By tastetherainbow - 07/07/2013 10:55 - United States - Katy

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 757

You deserved it 4 827

By catlover - 16/06/2011 16:14 - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 13 491

By fuck teh poleese - 12/02/2012 21:50 - United States

Today, I realized that I probably have anger issues. I came to this conclusion after I finished screaming abuse at the microwave for beeping before I could hit the off switch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 973

You deserved it 29 401

By working_as_usual - 08/10/2012 00:09 - United States - Valencia

Today, I was telling my co-workers about how I'd gotten tickets to a concert in a few days. My boss overheard. Later, he told me I now have to work on the night of the concert. However, he was kind enough to offer to buy the tickets off me for half of what I'd paid for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 495

You deserved it 2 592

By Maria - 20/08/2012 13:25 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 731

You deserved it 7 643

By Anonyme - 26/06/2015 00:40 - France - G?anges

Today, our 8-month-old son had a big cold and his nose was blocked. I couldn't find the baby nose pump in it's usual place, so I went to ask my husband. He had it in his hand, and was using to decorate the cake that was going to be served to tonight's guests, my parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 440

You deserved it 2 596

By SLA - 23/03/2009 23:12 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 11 year old brother walked in on me sitting on my boyfriend's ass and giving him a back massage. He tilted his head a little and then said "Aren't you guys doing it wrong? Isn't he supposed to be on top?" My boyfriend laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108 273

You deserved it 32 510

By assdialed. - 04/11/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I got a phone call from my dad that I haven't heard from in months. I didn't answer, but it left me an accidental voicemail saying "Oh s***, I didn't mean to call her!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 479

You deserved it 2 577

By pupitre - 18/10/2011 00:16 - Canada

Today, I was at a Chinese restaurant with my boyfriend and his family. After the meal, we all decided to open our fortune cookies and read them out loud. On mine, it said "You will change your mind many times before settling down." I didn't realize what it meant until after I'd read it to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 393

You deserved it 4 925

By fmynote - 27/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 234

You deserved it 29 680

By Taylor - 20/01/2009 20:41 - United States

Today, my brother's girlfriend dumped him. I overheard my mom tell him "It could be worse. Your brother can't even get a girlfriend". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 786

You deserved it 2 134

By NestHead - 01/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 011

You deserved it 5 851

By Anonymous - 26/06/2010 13:24 - Tanzania United Republic of

Today, I was driving along when I saw a hot girl walking. I decided to impress her by doing a 180 degree turn. Successfully pulling off my trick, I decided to back up so I could go the right way. Not looking behind, I backed up and smashed into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 784

You deserved it 65 860

By Anonymous - 27/01/2014 20:55 - United States - Gardner

Today, I got my wedding photos back. The only decent picture of my husband and me together also featured a fat guy in a crop top behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 452

You deserved it 5 175

By rashree - 13/02/2010 01:34 - United States

Spicy

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 576

You deserved it 3 536

By liilii - 30/08/2014 16:40 - India - Trivandrum

Today, I woke up to the sight of a dead fly on my bedside table, being eaten by a swarm of ants. I screamed so bad that my dad said he thought my sister was being murdered in my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 636

You deserved it 6 666

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 16:10 - United States - Richmond

Today, my ex-husband introduced our daughter to her "new mommy". That's the third time this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 108

You deserved it 1 188

By Anonymous - 05/02/2011 17:22 - Canada

Today, I cried harder than I have in years. I was babysitting, and watching Pokémon to pass the time. It was the episode where Ash, Dawn, and Brock on the show went their separate ways, and may never be together again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 867

You deserved it 37 403

This pandemic is so 2019

By Anonymous - 04/06/2021 20:59 - United States - Cabot

Today, my water broke. Due to Covid-19, we couldn't go straight to labor and delivery, so had to go to the emergency room and wait to be taken up. I sat there for an hour with a ruptured sac and contractions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 83

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 12:05 - United States

Today, my mom tells my sister that she is worried about her because she has a headache and feels like she might be getting a slight cold. I have had the flu for two weeks and have a 103 degree fever. I ask, "What about me?" Her response? "Stay away from your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 204

You deserved it 2 903

By Anonymous - 21/06/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 192

You deserved it 7 760

By Anonymous - 22/07/2010 06:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 960

You deserved it 3 380

By Anonymous - 02/03/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 201

You deserved it 2 668

By loserr - 28/02/2014 17:13 - United States - Highland Park

Today, I made myself a hot pocket for lunch. I managed to scald myself on the red-hot cheese, and at the same time bite into the center, which was somehow still frozen solid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 996

You deserved it 7 135

By disgustedgf - 28/06/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he stopped brushing his teeth two days after we started dating. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 856

You deserved it 8 732

By pooh anne - 26/02/2013 20:26 - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I was trying to be sexy and change in front of my boyfriend. As I was changing, he started to talk to me about how we should both try and lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 996

You deserved it 7 946

By silkytaco - 17/02/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a "save the date" card for the wedding of a couple my husband knows. I was excited because I really wish to be better friends with these people. I emailed the bride, "I got your STD!" and hit send before I realized how that sounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 093

You deserved it 44 307

Renegade neighbor

By Fuck you, Yolanda! - 19/10/2021 22:00

Today, I have an egregious delinquent neighbor. She is always using internet and electrical services illegally, but is always getting packages from Amazon. Her packages are always left at my place, as she is so afraid of tax collectors, she won't open the door. She gave my billing address without my consent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 79

By fuckmyjob - 19/06/2014 20:10 - United States - Lake Charles

Today, at my first day working at Walmart, a customer asked if we have any egg cookers. I said I wasn't sure, but that I'd be "eggstatic" to go ask for him. The first clue I got to suggest he hated puns was him yelling "Don't get smart with me, boy!" and then threatening to kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 937

You deserved it 10 141

By hungry - 13/10/2013 05:23 - United States

Today, I heard that there was supposed to be a huge blizzard heading our way, so I went out to stock up on groceries. After spending $600 on food, I drove home and packed most of it into the fridge and freezer just in time for our power to go out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 554

You deserved it 26 483

By sa la vash - 14/03/2015 08:22 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, what my friends call my "resting bitch face" freaked my boyfriend out enough during sex that he went soft inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 173

You deserved it 8 238

By kiwi - 11/11/2009 22:10 - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 583

You deserved it 11 457

By Anonymous - 14/10/2013 07:13 - United States - Eagle Point

Today, my weird neighbor is a conspiracy theorist and thinks the government is trying to kill him. Someone thought it would be funny to shine a red laser light through his window. I was on the stairs when he ran past, screaming bloody murder, sending me down a flight of steps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 035

You deserved it 3 524

Zamboni please

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 05:01

Today, I took a part time job at McDonald’s and started working in the kitchen. The floor is so greasy, you can’t walk normally, you move around like you’re on an ice rink. With some momentum built up, you can even slide a couple of meters when no one is looking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 119

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:54

Now if someone yells at you and says "Do you live in a barn or something?!" You can say "Yes. Yes I do."

Moota 9

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:47

Why?...

Comments

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:45

When you get it sing BINGO

sandyandellie 5

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 15:51

'nuff said.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 16:06

I think OP will enjoy the moo-ve :D

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 18:03

Today I read the shortest FML I've ever looked at. And it made little sense! FML.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 19:29

This was hard to select on an iPod.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 22:23

# 89...I couldn't agree more. it took me a couple tries and I have small fingers..lol.

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 9:18

I'm awesome...got it the first try!...:)

False_Stupidity 41

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 11:34

No prob here either selecting this on my iPhone and I've got fat fingers...

Moota 9

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:47

Why?...

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:55

So he could post a stupid FML. :D

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:34

prob hes poor.?$$

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:54

What's wrong with living in a barn?

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 14:40

OP, I accept your application. Just don't touch the midget in the corner. He's pretty pissed about being moved out of the basement.

crazychick1269 7

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 16:10

#26... everything

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:44

Just about EVERYTHING.

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 7:47

nothing is wrong wit living in a barn especially if u like to keep the door open

hallix 21

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Monday 9 December 2013 22:43

He's trying out this new religious thing. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:48

That would be so fun! Just make sure NEVER to have a flame in there!

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:51

Beats the streets.

IWATCHYOUSLEEP 7

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 15:02

iTroll :D

manic_maniac11 13

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:51

You have to apply for that?!?!

Majstr 23

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 14:23

To make an ass of yourself.

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 7:49

6- I no rite that's what I was thinkin, I wudnt have applied, I wudve told the animals to move over and make room lmao!!

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:52

You can sing Old mcDonalds farm every night without sounding like a dick.

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 0:21

e i e i ewwwwwwww

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:54

Now if someone yells at you and says "Do you live in a barn or something?!" You can say "Yes. Yes I do."

Send a private message

Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:00

Fuck. I just realized the question is wrong. It's "were you raised in a barn?" So much for being witty. I'm going to bed.

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:29

It's ok, we all have our temporary lapses in sanity. Some just last longer than others...

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:35

Sanity? What is that?

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:51

I can't remember, it's been so long...

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 14:41

I've never had any to begin with.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:11

That would actually kind of kick ass to be able to say that to someone and not be sarcastic

perdix 29

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 17:16

You could have saved this one. If someone says ,"Were you born in a barn?," you could reply, "No, but I was rejected from living in one. The neighbors complained of the smell."

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:55

Today, I posted the shortest FML ever.

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:34

I think the shortest so far is: Today, Michael Jackson died, FML I COULD be wrong though. That's the shortest I remember.

BelleBelle_fml 11

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:37

21- That was a sad day. :(

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 11:57

Did you try the white house?

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Tuesday 23 August 2011 12:04

make the most of it. make it pretty, too! c:

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 3:47

ya pose on the tractor.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, at the age of 25, I learned that it is not normal to have absolutely zero sexual desire. All this time, I thought you had to have sex first before developing a sex drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69

You deserved it 11

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 090

You deserved it 143