Health: Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot... - FML

By Anonymous - 02/06/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 894

You deserved it 3 504

Own it

Bad employee

Not the sharpest tool

By i2xl - 24/02/2012 15:28 - Canada

Today, my landlady roasted a joint of beef and the whole house smelled wonderful. OK, even if I am a masochistic vegetarian and former omnivore, that was way beyond cruel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 638

You deserved it 33 782

I'm here!

By handygirl - 31/01/2020 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I tried fixing my bedroom lock because the push button hadn't retracted. When I closed the door, I couldn't open it again because the spring isn't attached to the latch, so that didn't retract either. I'm locked in my own room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 620

You deserved it 520

Gassy

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 903

You deserved it 9 047

Unhappy Birthday

By Anonymous - 27/07/2020 02:01

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 243

By assumed - 01/03/2011 16:47

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 514

You deserved it 3 721

By HenryRollinsForPresident - 25/09/2012 11:54 - United States - Edmond

Today, I was waiting for my wife in a mall when some kids came and sat near me, wearing band t-shirts. I recognized some, as I was into The Smiths and Black Flag in my youth. I tried to strike up a music-fan chat with them. "Fuck off, grandad" and "Ew, pedo" is all I got in return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 460

You deserved it 4 812

Denied

By Anonymous - 05/09/2020 02:02

Spicy

Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 774

You deserved it 328

By Anonymous - 29/08/2012 21:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, while getting pretty intimate with my newlywed wife in the car, a cop turned his lights on. As he was walking up, I was trying to get my pants back on but they wouldn't fit over my knees. The cop just laughed and walked away. Turns out my wife had my pants on and I was trying to put hers on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 216

You deserved it 7 791

By bottomdrawerraider - 17/11/2010 17:13 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mother was over visiting. My three year old ran out of my room chasing the cat with his toy. He smacked the cat with it, the cat scratched him, he dropped it and ran away. I was busy with the baby so I asked my mom to take the toy away. She walked back holding my pink dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 943

You deserved it 12 137

Smells like… victory

By sickofthesmelltoo - 28/02/2013 10:56 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, my friends confronted me and told me that they no longer want to visit my house because my dog smells really disgusting. I didn't have the heart to tell them that the smell is actually my parents, who have been trying to "save water" by only showering once a fortnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 579

You deserved it 3 074

By CamoElla - 19/02/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, while babysitting, one of the boys fell on an exposed pipe and broke it. It spewed water five feet into the air, spread water across four rooms, and completely soaked another of the boys. Their parents had only left fifteen minutes before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 594

You deserved it 3 203

By Bonecrusher - 27/03/2015 22:50 - United States - Sonoma

Today, I was trying out for a position as pitcher for my college baseball team. I threw the ball as hard as I could, and then collapsed to the ground in agony from a dislocated shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 369

You deserved it 5 312

By williebees - 28/11/2012 17:43 - United States - Huntsville

Today, as I was about to walk across the street, a girl in front of me who clearly wasn't paying attention to the traffic, almost got run over. I grabbed her arm and jumped back. She was fine. I fell and fractured my arm and wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 465

You deserved it 2 410

By madelynn - 31/01/2011 02:03 - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 510

You deserved it 3 005

By dck128 - 29/08/2011 22:05 - United States

Today, I was fired because a 10-year-old shat his pants and couldn't follow directions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 554

You deserved it 3 053

By Anonymous - 08/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 962

You deserved it 38 619

Love is… strange

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, I asked my sister if she could watch my son so I could surprise my boyfriend and take him out for dinner and maybe some sexy time afterwards. He didn't even know it was our 2-year anniversary. He doesn't care, neither do I. FML

I agree, your life sucks 729

You deserved it 252

By Chumpee - 08/06/2016 17:17 - United States - Akron

Today, after years busting my hump for my father's business with the understanding of one day taking it over, he informed me that my nephew, who has never shown any interest in the company, is being brought in to take it over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 726

You deserved it 931

Mother nature's son

By Rita - 24/11/2021 01:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son brought home a fawn, saying it’s his new pet. I objected and told him to put it back in the woods, because the mom deer must be worried. He threw a tantrum, told me to stop getting in the way of their "bond” and stormed off to his room with it. He’s 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 214

By coveholli - 15/11/2014 14:43 - Australia - Perth

Today, I went on a blind date. Not only did his phone go flat before I found him, but we were at totally different bars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 174

You deserved it 3 172

By notapetkiller - 26/07/2016 06:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog that had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 925

You deserved it 1 616

By slukaa - 13/06/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, for the first time in over a year, my mother actually called me. I excitedly picked up the phone. All I heard was rustling; her purse dialed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 645

You deserved it 3 252

Gender bending

By Recluse - 21/11/2014 18:18

Today, the girl I'd been dating online for 6 months told me she was a guy. I said it was alright, and that I was still in love. Then she confessed she really was a girl, and was just trying to make me dump her so she wouldn't be the "bad guy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 575

You deserved it 7 562

By facepalm - 15/10/2014 23:36 - United States - Gainesville

Spicy

Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 298

You deserved it 4 365

By Anonymous - 24/11/2009 11:44 - United States

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 100

You deserved it 3 508

By Noname - 04/02/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, mommy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 601

You deserved it 7 219

By Alex - 15/07/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I found a website that lets you write an email to yourself from "the past". I used my boss's address, and wrote a long email about how much I hate him, signed from me. It worked, and he'll receive it in 6 months, after I move away. He's already received the confirmation email, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 151

You deserved it 58 938

Mom Jokes FTW

By Embarrassed Daughter - 18/07/2017 08:26 - United States - Erlanger

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 252

You deserved it 337

By gkline09 - 06/08/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I walked out to my car to see a broken window, a bunch of stuff missing, egg shells, and a note that read "stop banging my boyfriend". I haven't had anyone in over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 994

You deserved it 3 065

The Big Book of Baby Names

By please don’t - 08/06/2020 02:00

Today, I had to explain to my sister in law why it’s a terrible idea to name her baby Aryan just because she likes the way it sounds. We’re all African Americans, but she still doesn’t see the issue with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 569

You deserved it 216

Deadbeat

By Anonymous - 29/10/2021 02:00

Today, I tracked down my birth dad. He lives in a massive house, with a wife and two kids, 3 cars and a fucking sailboat on the drive. My mom and I grew up in poverty, but I was calm when I confronted him. He had his gardeners throw me into the street like I was inconvenient trash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 560

You deserved it 220

By InfamousLastWord - 27/03/2013 19:34 - United States

Today, I was violently throwing up due to severe morning sickness. My boyfriend looked at me, then turned and walked away. In the end, my daughter gave me some paper towel and her juice. My 18-month-old is more supportive of my pregnancy than her 30-year-old father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 410

You deserved it 6 194

By Anonymous - 04/03/2012 22:20 - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 366

You deserved it 4 343

By Anonymous - 23/08/2012 07:56 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, after I requested a sick day, a very close co-worker texted her boyfriend that I'm a bitch for pretending to have the same rare illness that she recently suffered. She said it was unlikely, disrespectful and unfair that I didn't even look sick. I know this because she texted me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 188

You deserved it 2 788

Lifegoals

By Anonymous - 05/01/2022 17:01

Today, I saw my ex. I was sure he’d be miserable, but he looked happier than I’ve seen him in a long time. He somehow even looked younger, as did the woman he was on a date with, who’s a good 10 years younger than me. Meanwhile, I’ve gained 25 pounds trying to quit smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 474

You deserved it 997

By single - 24/12/2014 21:49 - United States - Hurricane

Today, my ex boyfriend got married to the girl he told me was his sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 638

You deserved it 3 033

Don't tread on me

By Kate - 23/04/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 768

You deserved it 3 197

By WatchOut - 16/08/2013 16:04 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I submitted my big assignment to my teacher at 1:55pm. The deadline was 2pm. She rejected it, because her watch read a few minutes after 2pm, and she maintains that the time on her watch is the "real" time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 780

You deserved it 13 037

By shutupandsmile18 - 18/04/2009 02:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was petting my cat when my new mood ring turned bright purple. I checked the piece of paper that came with the ring and saw that purple meant I was feeling "hot, sexy, and passionate." According to my ring, I'm hot for my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 970

You deserved it 16 781

By fleatitting fame - 04/07/2014 21:30 - Norway - Oslo

Today, a guy told me that I look like Angelina Jolie. Before I could thank him, he continued, "I mean like in the chest area. After the mastectomy, you know?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 868

You deserved it 3 777

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Top comments

whiteboy7thst 2

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:22

This is how rock bottom feels.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:10

wow you must have some pretty bad teeth lol

Comments

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:10

wow you must have some pretty bad teeth lol

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:52

or perhaps bad vaginal smells ?

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Thursday 2 June 2011 17:41

vagina teeth... oh mercy

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Thursday 2 June 2011 18:52

I saw that movie a couple days. Really sucked, but makes you wonder if she could get dental

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Thursday 2 June 2011 20:50

should've read the six pages of fine print.

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Friday 3 June 2011 0:13

oh man, it's stuck in my head now,, DENTAL PLAN!

a_nutritionist 10

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Sunday 5 June 2011 12:32

something tells me you must have a bad credit rating, not earn enough to pay the monthly fees or have some massive outstanding debt. in the case of the first and last i have no sympathy for you and you deserve it. if its the poor income, then i must say FYL. slightly off topic but im so sick of hearing from assbags who get themselves into debt that they refuse to pay and then complaining because they cant get anywhere in life now.

whyXD 12

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:13

jajajajajajaja!!!!!

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:16

There probably was some footnote that you must have missed :(

poor_brown_eyes 2

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:21

Simple reason... You break too many teeth. ;)

whiteboy7thst 2

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:22

This is how rock bottom feels.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 17:32

Or, this is their punishment for the years of meth. Meth mouth is winning.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 21:47

i beg to differ. That's rock bottom When this life makes you mad enough to kill That's Rock Bottom When you want something bad enough to steal That's Rock Bottom When you feel you have had it up to here Cause you mad enough to scream but you sad enough to tear

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Friday 3 June 2011 3:55

no no no. when dwayne Johnson slams you to the floor after "The People's Elbow" That is ROCK BOTTOM

aussie_gemini 5

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:23

do you have teeth to insure? gums aren't covered

angryoriental 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 21:59

Aussie Gemini also smokin hot!!! ftw

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Friday 3 June 2011 0:05

41 Chill, this is FML not a porn site

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Tuesday 30 August 2011 11:29

Ha!

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:24

sue them

aussie_gemini 5

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:32

really? op wasn't physically or financially put out.... just find anther insurer!

missy_lynn012 0

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 17:44

awh crykee it's another aussie!!! standing in the midst of it's naturrohl habitat, you stare and there's absohlutely no movement wowzerz D: come over hereh and ya jerk me awf like this "eh" "eh" 8=====================D~O: splat!!

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Thursday 2 June 2011 21:10

Well, it is false advertising...

aussie_gemini 5

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Friday 3 June 2011 3:16

you know I have never heard an Aussie say 'sue them'... I've seen mates fall in super markets on spills, I fell into a uncovered drain and my bf broke his ankle on a cracked, unleveled bit of concrete.... get up, laugh it off.... yet you wanna sue for false advertising? man the fuck up and get some bloody balls!

aussie_gemini 5

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Friday 3 June 2011 17:01

a 12 year old would say that!

a_nutritionist 10

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Sunday 5 June 2011 12:44

@54 clever wording goes a long way.

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Wednesday 3 June 2015 23:45

#47. your boyfriend is a trooper for laughing off a broken ankle.

JustinThunder 8

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:24

I guess you learned the hard way that you are supposed to brush your teeth every day.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:25

Aah, the Fine Print. That's how they always get you.

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Thursday 2 June 2011 16:26

u can sue for that

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9

You deserved it 9

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 990

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 1 147