Kids: Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted... - FML

By Rory - 14/04/2012 22:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 107

You deserved it 2 843

You tried

Another great day to be alive

Mother of the year

By MissedTheBoat - 14/04/2013 07:28 - Canada - Calgary

Today, when I was talking to my younger brother, he suddenly said "Oh, I was supposed to tell you that there's this girl who has a huge crush on you!" I asked who and he answered, "I totally forgot her name, that was like 2 months ago." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 579

You deserved it 4 190

Corporate logic

By AloisTrancy - 24/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 746

You deserved it 78

By OompaLoompa - 18/06/2009 13:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 237

You deserved it 62 170

By Anonymous - 29/08/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 111

You deserved it 3 958

By Anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:39 - Australia - Cambridge

Today, my boyfriend had a tantrum because I didn't like Black Sabbath as much as him. Apparently our entire relationship was based on him thinking I did. I've now been labeled "The Queen of Lies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 450

You deserved it 3 238

By lifsabtch - 06/01/2013 17:24

Today, I went out to meet a wonderful woman I'd chatted with online. I did have a few fears about if she was really just some guy trying to make a fool out of me. When I met her, she really was a girl, and was happy to see me. Problem: she was actually 13. I'm 34. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 8 791

Come to think of it, no, you didn't

By fail land - 02/04/2021 05:00

Today, some asswipe keyed a swastika into my car. Did I mention it’s a rental? FML

I agree, your life sucks 898

You deserved it 53

By drfrogpepper - 01/01/2011 23:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 994

You deserved it 3 591

By farmakakis - 21/12/2009 06:25 - Australia

Today, I wore a pair of glasses with no lenses because I thought I'd look smarter. I ended up poking myself in the eye several times, leaving it swollen. So much for making me look smarter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 637

You deserved it 56 497

By "96Ellie" - 11/03/2017 14:00

Today, I finally got a product I ordered 2 weeks ago as a free trial/ only pay shipping deal. Also today, the same company took an extra $130 out of my account without authorisation. Best part: when I called to sort things out, they told me they had no record of my order details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 974

You deserved it 610

By Coccinelle - 05/02/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 320

You deserved it 2 713

By Fml24609 - 09/08/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, I misspelled the word "failure" in front of all my co-workers. Now I'm not given any writing tasks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 787

You deserved it 32 552

By NYMTS - 01/07/2011 23:22 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 283

You deserved it 10 885

By Username - 21/12/2010 05:09

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me to have phone sex with him. However, it seems he doesn't quite know what it is, so now he wants me to explain it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 459

You deserved it 4 402

By Anonymous - 23/02/2017 01:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 825

You deserved it 447

By GuiltByTenuousAssociation - 01/03/2010 13:17 - United States

Today, I parked and noticed a car that was identical to mine across from me. I thought it was an amusing coincidence until I came back to find both cars trashed. At least the vandal realized their mistake and left a note saying, "You deserve it for having the same car as that cheater, asshole!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 314

You deserved it 2 815

By sickdisney - 21/05/2012 18:42 - United States - Riverside

Today, I watched a movie with my little sister. I couldn't understand a word that was said during one scene, but I figured it was in some kind of made-up language. When I commented on it later, she called me a moron and said it was Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 095

You deserved it 35 854

Sucker

By Anonymous - 08/09/2021 14:01

Today, I tried out my new noise-canceling headphones while vacuuming my house. They worked so well that I didn't hear the vacuum stop when the plug fell out of the outlet. I accidentally had the vacuum off the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 923

By antwhite1987 - 08/05/2016 17:30 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 289

You deserved it 1 403

By Anonymous - 19/01/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I drove to buy new sneakers to work out and lose weight. Coming out of the store, I saw someone had parked too close to me. I had to beg a stranger to back my car out for me, because no matter how I tried, I couldn't get into the driver's seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 379

You deserved it 10 178

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, I got my belly button pierced. The guy put a small dot with a sharpie right above the center of my belly button so he knew exactly where to pierce. I also have a small freckle noticeably to the left of center of my belly button. Guess which one he pierced through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 059

You deserved it 6 775

Thanks for being so compassionate

By Anonymous - 17/01/2021 01:59 - Jamaica - Kingston

Today, and for the past year, I've been struggling with depression because of family life. I've been talking to my mom for the past weeks, telling her things that happen when she isn't home as a way to build trust. I finally told her I have depression and have had had it for a long time. She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 61

By Bibi - 23/09/2018 12:00

Today, I went to my little brother's high school to speak to his counselor about his grades. On my way to the office, the office manager threatened to write me up for ditching class and told me that high school is not like middle school, 9th grade will be different. I graduated 5 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 493

You deserved it 221

By Anonymous - 10/02/2015 23:32 - United States - Herndon

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 210

You deserved it 2 794

By Ilovelife07 - 14/01/2010 15:14 - United States

Today, I snuck out of work 2 hours early. As I was speeding away so I wouldn't be seen, I rear-ended my boss as he was leaving the lower parking lot for a late lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 718

You deserved it 46 395

By unsuspcted - 17/11/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, my son told me to grow a pair and ask my girlfriend of a year and a half to marry me. He is 7 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 916

You deserved it 37 233

By ThisChick - 06/07/2016 17:59 - United States - New Orleans

Today, I cringed at a memory of 5-year-old me going to restaurants I was brought to and stealing tip money because I thought it was free. I got to watch a kid do the same thing to me. Oh, sweet karma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 944

You deserved it 2 528

By Fattypatty - 09/07/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I realized how fat I really am. While going to the bathroom I leaned to the side to wipe my butt and heard a crack. Not knowing what it was, I continued to wipe. After I finished, I got up to see that I'd cracked the toilet seat in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 270

You deserved it 58 183

By pplsuck - 25/09/2012 23:57 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I went to eat out. When I sat down, I realized I forgot my straw. I took my purse with me, not wanting it to get stolen. Someone stole my food instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 241

You deserved it 2 753

Pants on fire

By Lucille - 07/09/2019 00:01

Today, while going through my daughter’s room, I found a pair of pants with the security tag still attached. My daughter is a thief. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 278

By ouch - 03/01/2011 00:36 - United States

Today, I took a nap on the couch in the family room. My brother thought it would be hilarious to take clear packaging tape and put it on my chapped lips. Then rip it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 561

You deserved it 2 966

Moobs

By Dad Is Fat - 25/08/2021 02:01 - United States - Mount Orab

Today, my 3-year-old daughter told me I was blocking her view of her puppy. She said, "Dad, your boobs are too long!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 194

By UniqueKay - 15/07/2019 06:06

Today, on our way home, my cousin, step dad and I noticed a man trying to kidnap a young girl. As good citizens, we called the police so they could catch the man. Nine police cars showed up at my house because dispatch told them we were the kidnappers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 937

You deserved it 122

By TappedAnts - 08/04/2016 01:45 - United States - Seabrook

Today, I went to a family reunion with my brother and my mother. She spent quite a while giving a glowing introduction for my brother to one of her cousins. Then, just before walking off, she jerked a thumb in my direction and said, "Oh, yeah, and that's his sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 028

You deserved it 1 315

By Camera - 17/04/2015 04:56 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I had to get a colonoscopy. Which wouldn't have been so bad if they had removed the camera from my rectum before waking me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 352

You deserved it 2 163

By walker - 04/10/2009 21:33 - United States

Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 791

You deserved it 3 801

By anonymous - 28/12/2009 02:18 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been secretly madly in love with for 6 years told me "fuck off and stop doing nice things for me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 802

You deserved it 10 274

By Anonymous - 06/12/2016 17:09 - United States - Orange Park

Today, it's the 11th day I've been in the hospital due to my kidneys. My mother has come in every day since to make me feel bad about missing Thanksgiving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 718

You deserved it 649

Red Sox Nation

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 804

You deserved it 133

By Anonymous - 27/01/2017 01:30 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I can remember dozens of serial killers, their victims, the way they killed, the length of their prison sentences, and anything else about them, but nothing related to my upcoming science test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 795

You deserved it 1 942

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:41

Fall asleep and have them mess up the whole house and wait until your parents get home and just say "I told you I wasn't feeling good"

erockinthesuburb 17

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:39

Quick, get some bananas!

Comments

erockinthesuburb 17

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:39

Quick, get some bananas!

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:48

And a joint

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:50

Take them to the zoo…

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Sunday 15 April 2012 4:50

A spoonful of sugar!!! That'll make you feel better.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 5:28

Oh Well I'm not a huge marry poppins fan, even though I got the cd and saw the show in Radio City

jordyxjigsaw 11

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:40

I'd call them to come back to their children then get up and leave.

jessicaazzzzzzzz 3

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Sunday 15 April 2012 17:24

She expected to "help babysit", not be all my herself.

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Wednesday 30 April 2014 9:03

learn how to say no!

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:41

Your mother is a...................very nice lady...not really

chickenwalrus 14

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:45

"not really".. oh i couldnt tell.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 4:43

3 period spamming is so overrated.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 5:25

Ellipses...

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:41

Fall asleep and have them mess up the whole house and wait until your parents get home and just say "I told you I wasn't feeling good"

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Sunday 15 April 2012 3:28

I love how most of us give advice as if this is currently happening and not a few days old. lol

rubberduckie94 13

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:41

Give them the meds you need for your sickness and knock their butts out. (Jk). Sorry for your luck op. it has happened to me. I guess consider it practice for parenthood.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:45

Unless OP doesn't want kids.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 3:59

or reason to practice safe sex!!

mk58 31

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:45

That's when you become one of these howler monkey-like abominations and get someone else stuck with babysitting.

kinkyfemboislut 6

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:49

Your goddamn fault for evening going home.

beatlegirl27 20

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:56

Her mother made her

kawaiisakura 12

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Sunday 15 April 2012 5:21

I have to agree its her fault. She could have simply said no. Plus, ive learned that when people mention "help," they are really asking u to do it urself while they do something else. Thats y if ppl ask if i can "help" them w something, i say no due to my experience.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 5:27

10 - 'Evening?' I think a better word to use would be 'even.' It fits into the context a whole lot better unless you were trying to make some type of pun in which I believe you failed . . . miserably.

kelseynikolee_ 7

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:50

Well, make the best out of it!

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Sunday 15 April 2012 2:59

Sounds like a fun time...one thing though, don't fall asleep..when you wake up one of them might be fondling your breasts

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Sunday 15 April 2012 5:31

Or running around in circles screaming, "Woo woo woo" . . . or masturbating. You never know what kind of kids OP may be dealing with.

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Sunday 15 April 2012 3:01

You should sit on the couch and do nothing because your too sick to get up, it's not your fault your sick.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 6

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111

You deserved it 46

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 340

You deserved it 38