Work: Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got...

By Bandgeek

Today, at work, 5 minutes after I'd sent my help home, we got an 83 dollar order. I'm the only cook. FML

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Work

Rock, hard place

Fear factor

Emergency haircut

By firstandlastjob - 13/6/2020 14:11

Make it stop

Today, at work I had to listen to a group of old men talk about double penetration. I work at a coffee shop. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - United States - Phoenixville

Today, I met my boyfriend's other girlfriend. She then informed me that he has a wife, and that they have an open relationship. Thanks for keeping me in the loop, honey. FML

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By badsinger - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée told me she was having a bad day while we were lying in bed. Just as she was about to fall asleep I thought it would be sweet if I sang her a song that her Mom sang to her when she was a child. Instead, I was told to shut the fuck up and that I sucked. FML

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By saltynutz20 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By awkword - United States - Mckeesport

Today, I was dressing in front of my boyfriend. He was looking at me in wonder and I assumed this was a good thing. Then he muttered, "God damn, you're awkwardly shaped." FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got my fake ID and went out with the boys to dinner and the bars. One of my friends asked to see my ID. He noticed my birthday didn't make me over 21. I paid $170 for a fake ID with my real birthday. FML

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By fuckoffgran - Ireland

Today, my grandma told everyone at our party to stay away from me, saying, "Ya might catch obesity from her and become fatass porkers too." I complained to my dad, at which point my gran faked being inebriated. My dad rolled his eyes and said, "She's DRUNK, honey. Chill out." FML

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By ohmydog - United States

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has a chipped tooth is because his teeth hit another girl's teeth while kissing her. FML

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By Anonymous - Philippines - Sucat

Today, I had a big argument with my girlfriend, after she tried to stop me going home, even though it was already past my curfew. I got home, only to find out I'm grounded for staying out late, and dumped for being "inconsiderate". FML

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By Shocked

Why hello there...

Today, while looking at a house to buy, I opened a bathroom door. There was a naked man on the toilet. FML

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By bl3ur0z3

The luck of the draw

Today, my supervisor was in a leadership meeting pulling random calls for quality. Mine was chosen. He got excited and told them my stats and how I put him to shame with how I drive my team, that I'm the best and this call is going to be amazing. I was then written up for arguing with a customer. FML

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By bill - United States

Today, I received a $500 fine for an "unruly" dog. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Itchy

Today, I found out I'm allergic to soil, pollen, dust, mold, the colors green, yellow, orange, black and grey, most metals, wood, carpet, drywall, most hygiene and beauty products, and plastic. Basically, I was told to avoid the entire planet and everything man-made. FML

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By sicksicksick - United States - Lansdale

Today, I have pink eye in both eyes, the stomach virus, and a cold. I'm also sitting at work because my boss "doesn't believe in sick days." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

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By Firequeen

Today I visited my boyfriend's house for Thanksgiving. The fast food from the drive made me really need to poop, so I did my business and flipped on the air vent. Turns out the vent sparked a hot spot in the attic and caused a fire. I literally set my boyfriend's house on fire with my shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, I discovered that when you suddenly get channels that you didn't have before, it doesn't mean there was a glitch and you're getting free TV, it just means that your son called the cable company and had your plan changed so you get every conceivable channel at a hugely increased price. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 23:04

Love don't pay the rent

Today, I begged my dad for money, for the first time ever, because even with two jobs I still can’t make rent. When asked why he sent way too little, he replied, "You always said you’d prefer to get love from me rather than money." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

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By EFFED4LIFE - United States

Today, I was late to school for the third time this week because my alarm clock didn't go off. I clearly remembered setting it, so I videotaped myself sleeping. It turns out I've been turning off my alarm clock in my sleep. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mom said that if I wasn't her daughter, she probably wouldn't even like me. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 05:01

Helping hand

Today, my granny has been constipated for the past two days. She is too weak to get out of bed, so I ended up trying to dig the poop out of her butthole with a spoon. Yay me. FML

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By argh - Canada

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I hit a patch of black ice and totaled my car. The car is a month old. For the next 5 years I'll be paying for a car I can't drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home from my 2 week trip to Florida. At the airport, the door said "Enter Only", while a sign above it said "Do not enter." Long story short, I got arrested for "disobeying signs." Nothing says "Welcome home" like being arrested. FML

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By very analytical - United States - Ashland

Today, our outgoing boss told us about guy who's replacing him, saying he's very nice but very anal about things. Without thinking, I shrugged and said "Anal's not bad." Now everyone's calling me Anal-Girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years left me for a guy whose favorite color is camouflage. FML

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By the fuck? - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, I actually had to reassure the girl I'm seeing that she can't "catch" my epilepsy. FML

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By ugh - United States - Troy

Today, I woke up from an explicit dream involving my dentist. I'm scheduled for a conscious sedation appointment with him in two hours and I'm terrified of what I might say or do while I'm under. FML

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By HttpsHaileyy - United States

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

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By RecentCollegeGrad

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

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By justanidiot - 20/9/2020 22:01 - United States - Macon

Vibe check

Today, I've been getting weird vibes from my boyfriend of over a year and half, so I made a fake Tinder account. Guess who my first match was? My now ex-boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By "Lisa" - Romania

Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML

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Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By Anonymous

The Crying Game

Today, I noticed that my weekend hobby is crying. I live in a city where I don't have a single friend or relative. FML

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By dancer, not a hooker... - Canada - Penticton

Today, I finished a dance competition. With competitions, it requires you to wear a lot of makeup like false eyelashes and red lipstick. I went into a Starbucks to get a coffee and a boy around 18 asked me, in all seriousness, what my rate is for one night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

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Top comments

By Colon_Man | 17

#7425775 - Thursday 16 March 2017 20:07

So... two steaks?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7425817 - Thursday 16 March 2017 22:55

I'll bet after that you were fried. Or toast?

Hopefully, you went home and got baked.

COMMENTS

By Colon_Man | 17

#7425775 - Thursday 16 March 2017 20:07

So... two steaks?

Cali | 54

#7426099 - Friday 17 March 2017 17:00

For once I'm lost. What's up with all the steak comments? Are $40 steaks a thing? o_o

By Undiscovered_X | 7

#7425778 - Thursday 16 March 2017 20:15

Now that's one misteak you made. Hope it didn't went bad.

By Reasonable_one | 12

#7425801 - Thursday 16 March 2017 21:50

That was just two steaks...

By chrddajr | 19

#7425803 - Thursday 16 March 2017 21:59

Story of my life

By RichardPencil | 29

#7425817 - Thursday 16 March 2017 22:55

I'll bet after that you were fried. Or toast?

Hopefully, you went home and got baked.

By Bridger Walczynski | 12

#7425912 - Friday 17 March 2017 7:49

an 83$ order simple...

By Craig Lurtz | 6

#7426471 - Saturday 18 March 2017 14:29

so 25 burgers and fries

By SAPAEPICITY | 11

#7426841 - Sunday 19 March 2017 12:32

Or maybe he works at a cheap fast food joint so $83 is actually a ton of food for one person to cook?

By lucasjames22 | 8

#7497790 - Wednesday 19 July 2017 4:06

so cook it. you can do it.

By sharond23 | 10

#7598711 - Wednesday 14 February 2018 2:09

$83 doesn't really sound like a lot of food. I'm not sure why this is an fml.