By Lewis

This is some cool impression

I present to you: Joe Snow, the fire's watch commander!

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The smell detective is on the case

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

How's your hovel?

By Catremorse - United States - Centreville

Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1295

You deserved it

515

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, to celebrate my older sister's 21st birthday, my parents forced me to take the night off work so we could all go to the casino. Not only is this coming out of my vacation, I wasn't old enough to enter the casino, so I had to sit in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40539

You deserved it

4408

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By Johnny on the Spot - United States

Shit, dude

Today, campus security called to inform me that my car had been in an accident. I rushed down to the security office to find most of the officers laughing. A portable john blew over on to my car and smashed my rear window. Now, security calls me "Port-A-Potty Guy," and my car smells like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45306

You deserved it

2288

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By I'm screwed - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32562

You deserved it

2378

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By DuckyKiller - United States

Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24514

You deserved it

57325

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By Anonim23

Today, I finally decided to go talk to my upstairs neighbour about the loud banging noises he makes every single morning around 8 a.m. It worked. Now he starts at 7 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1688

You deserved it

174

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By unknown - United States

Today, I gave my little brother my iPhone so he could play a game. I soon forgot about it, and when I got it back two hours later, there was pudding and a couple of big cracks in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17053

You deserved it

30786

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By - France

Today, I can hear my parents having sex in the next room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47512

You deserved it

4345

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By Anonymous

Today, I flew 1800 km with my two small children to a remote northern village for work. Our bags were lost, leaving us without winter gear and only one change of clothes. Just to make things extra fun, we now all have uncontrollable vomiting and diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10037

You deserved it

1021

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By Bill - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch with my 5 year old on my lap. All of a sudden, she turned to me and said, "Daddy, I love your boobies. They're a good pillow." My own kid just called me fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28870

You deserved it

18056

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By Great. - Brazil - Belo Horizonte

Today, I found an old toy that I gave to my daughter several years ago. It was still unopened, and long forgotten, so I decided to re-gift it to one of my friend's children. My daughter immediately remembered her "favorite" toy and started crying inconsolably. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33629

You deserved it

11783

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By omgwtf - United States

Today, it was Homecoming. During the dance, I saw this mentally handicapped guy ask this pretty girl to dance. She said no. So I went over to him and asked him to dance. He replied that he only wanted to dance with "pretty girls" and I was not one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54659

You deserved it

5509

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By biggieT - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Actor's Studio

Today, I was having sex with my wife, when she fell asleep. She then woke up and started moaning, clearly faking an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33876

You deserved it

7533

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

I agree, your life sucks

28418

You deserved it

3156

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By Sonofa - Canada - Cold Lake

Not now, guys

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53144

You deserved it

3791

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By yek - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22551

You deserved it

1596

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By canwesayfail - United States - Gloucester

Today, the only part of my Psychology final that I was 100% confident in was my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11435

You deserved it

3131

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, a one-eyed drunken homeless man followed me around the store I work at, screaming at me because I turned down his sexual advances. My managers and coworkers wouldn't kick him out because they thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29587

You deserved it

2094

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By Anonymous

Pleasant smell

Today, while watching TV in my dorm, I clearly heard my roommate yell to someone proudly, "I've only taken a shower 4 or 5 times since I've been here." He's been my roommate for four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1818

You deserved it

185

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By LizLiao - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

70770

You deserved it

7749

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out my wife named our son after her ex-lover. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43727

You deserved it

3367

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By aarone23 - United States

Today, I was slammed onto my car, thrown on the ground, and arrested for outstanding warrants from 1979. I was born in 1992. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72357

You deserved it

4044

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By Anonymous

Thanks mom

Today, it's my third day in the hospital. On Monday, my mother grounded me for not going to school because I was “milking” a sore foot. On Wednesday, we finally went to the ER and it turns out I have a very bad infection in my foot. She refuses to come to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4263

You deserved it

196

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, at my sister's wedding, I got my 15 month old son to 'sign' the big guest book. I gave him a pen and was hoping for a cute little squiggle or something. But no, he managed to draw something that looked uncannily like a big swastika. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15885

You deserved it

13573

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By Anonymous

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3758

You deserved it

171

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By Kiki - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4232

You deserved it

271

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By WasteOfTime - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39275

You deserved it

3427

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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15926

You deserved it

40442

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54889

You deserved it

2491

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By Khagen - 27/1/2021 05:01

Supportive

Today, after two rounds of antibiotics, I got a yeast infection. My husband started calling me "Yeasty." FML

I agree, your life sucks

605

You deserved it

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By Jim - 25/12/2020 02:01

Life choices

Today, my mom is coming to pick up the Christmas presents we got for her and her husband. She won’t come inside or come within 6 feet, so she can be healthy when she goes down to the ex-wife’s parents house to hang out. The ex in-laws that hate me. Glad my mom chose them over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

969

You deserved it

106

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By WasNotAdopted - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom told me that if I wanted to commit suicide, I should make it seem like a car accident, and not do it in the house, because she would be too embarrassed if people thought she was a bad parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40006

You deserved it

2992

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By whattdafuuukkkk - United States

Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

25343

You deserved it

6575

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By RaYan

Today, I thought it was yesterday, I went to school for nothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33409

You deserved it

75079

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By blondebarbie271 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22275

You deserved it

14391

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48658

You deserved it

6880

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By DMO - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10706

You deserved it

63759

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By Robert - United States - Anchorage

Today, I had another lucid dream. Like every time I lucid dream, I immediately started having tons of dream sex. That would've been fine if I hadn't been taking a nap on the living room couch in the middle of the day. The entire family heard my squirming and moaning and saw me nut my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7518

You deserved it

2597

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By dotcomboy - United States

Today, my boss asked me to call his new phone to make sure it's working. When his phone didn't ring, he looked at my phone to confirm I called him. My boss then saw that I'd entered him into my phonebook as "douche bag". FML

I agree, your life sucks

12923

You deserved it

78686

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By skyhigh - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48653

You deserved it

3301

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Top comments

By redlizzybeth | 24

#7742734 - Tuesday 25 December 2018 0:38

This is funny unless this is a special needs individual.

By Agent JPN | 9

#7742760 - Tuesday 25 December 2018 2:50

Pretty sure this person is special needs.... and this is just wrong

COMMENTS

By redlizzybeth | 24

#7742734 - Tuesday 25 December 2018 0:38

This is funny unless this is a special needs individual.

By Agent JPN | 9

#7742760 - Tuesday 25 December 2018 2:50

Pretty sure this person is special needs.... and this is just wrong