Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it...

By Cyberella - 17/7/2009 05:36 - Australia

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Ghosted

Delayed proposal

By Anonymous - 18/12/2012 07:48 - United States

Today, I saw a man in an army uniform. As a bit of a patriot, I went up to thank him for his service. After about 10 minutes of me going on and on, he started laughing. He wasn't a soldier. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2019 05:00

But he's only 5

Today, I was playing with my 5 year-old neighbor. I was changing and he saw me naked. Then he went home and his parents came over. Apparently, he told them that I have beautiful boobs. FML

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By YoungSmileBones - 15/8/2016 18:29 - United States - Lake Havasu City

Today, I'm so broke that I'm thinking about using a glass of whiskey and a pair of pliers to pull out my broken wisdom teeth. FML

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By squizzlebee - 24/2/2017 03:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I saw on Facebook that a friend left her job where I also used to work, as she posted a picture of her farewell gifts, including cards, balloons and cookies. Normally, I'd be happy for her, except when I left I was told they'd "stopped doing farewell presents", and as such, I'd got nothing. FML

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By XxOx - 4/2/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

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By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2015 14:23 - United States - Bradenton

Today, my father told me that my mental health issues, which have been confirmed by multiple doctors and tests, are all caused by the fact that I'm slightly overweight and don't exercise a lot. FML

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By LittleMissRejected - 21/7/2017 14:27

Today, I learned that, even after several interviews and congratulations for getting the job, you still might not get the job. I just received an email stating that my accepted offer is now rejected. I already treated my close friends to an expensive dinner to celebrate. FML

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By SinkyBalls - 30/8/2011 03:56 - Canada

Today, I found out my roommate thinks the sink is an appropriate place to wash his junk. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, I drove past a firehouse that had volunteer firemen taking collections. I take out a $20 and start to roll the window down when I remember my window was broken. I ended up driving by, holding the $20 against the window, staring at the fireman. Now the fireman thinks I was taunting him. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2013 05:40 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I was driving around with a few friends when one of them suggested we go in to an insurance company's office and sing their jingle. I'm an awful singer, so I was planning on lip syncing. Everyone else had the same idea. FML

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By RootalyTootToot - 29/6/2018 15:00

Today, after slipping on my stairs and spraining my ankle, I got a brace and crutches at urgent care. When I went to get into my car, my crutch slipped on some paper and I fell. I crawled back into urgent care, only to learn that my sprained ankle is now broken in 2 places. FML

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By emergencyroom - 15/3/2014 12:21 - United States - Parkton

Today, I locked myself out and had to enter my house via the back door. Thinking I was an intruder, my 7-year-old daughter slammed a metal rake into the back of my head. Nice to know she can take care of herself. FML

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By JakeHolmes - 17/11/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was in my hot tub with my brand new phone. I set it down and when I grabbed my towel I knocked it into the water. I quickly snatched it up and dried it off with the towel and suprisingly only one button stopped working. It was the unlock button, a perfectly good phone that I can't use. FML

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By dontaskdonttell - 24/4/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies, "Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML

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By anonymous - 7/1/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

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By BoobSicle - 17/4/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, I took a picture of my boobs and sent it to my boyfriend, only to realize after I hit "send" that I had sent them to the taxi driver (my last phone call) who had just dropped me off at my house. He won't stop calling my phone now. FML

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By why me - 24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2012 21:52 - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

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By unrequited - 18/5/2011 02:36 - United States

Today, I drove the width of the country to tell the girl I've lost that I'm in love with her. She wasn't home. FML

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By number2 - 18/10/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, while sitting on the toilet, my phone pocket dialed my boss's cell. He was in the next stall. He answered. FML

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By Degueusement - 18/8/2014 04:48 - France - Puteaux

Today, to spice things up, my boyfriend suggested we wear disguises. Amused by the idea, I accepted. That's how I ended up having sex with Gandalf. FML

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By ellesworth - 1/9/2017 23:15

Today, while sharing my screen with our tech guy at work, I forgot he was there and opened Facetime to pick a zit on my chin. After going in for the squeeze, I horrifyingly remembered he could see everything and quickly closed it. After a few seconds, he said, "Did you get it?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2013 05:57 - United States - Spokane

Today, I discovered that my stepbrother has been telling his friends that I'm his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 08:05 - Australia

Today, I took my daughter to the library instead of the pool. I sat her on the counter and, while I reached for my library card, she turned to the librarian and said "We didn't go to the pool today because Mum has hairy legs." FML

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By ps3isbetterthanme - 11/12/2009 16:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and my boyfriend was already awake. Feeling in the mood I slipped off my nightdress and looked him in the eye. He looked me up and down, smiled seductively, reached over... and turned his PS3 on. FML

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By ko - 9/12/2012 00:25 - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to see a musical that some school friends had put on. At some point in the show, the main character kicked her leg up in the air, and her high heel flew off of her foot and into the audience. The shoe hit me square in the face. FML

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By okeythen - 30/6/2013 05:03 - United States - Orlando

Today, I heard my husband telling his friend that I used to be a skank and was "easier than 1 plus 1" when we first met. I was still a virgin when we got married. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 05:19 - United Kingdom - Oldbury

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was too tired for sex, which she interpreted as me confessing to not wanting to have sex with her because I’m having sex with other women. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my two year old cousin was having a temper tantrum. I decided to give him a flashlight because playing with it usually distracts him. It didn't. Instead, he hit me in the face with it as hard as possible, leaving a bruise. FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - 12/9/2014 21:11 - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By kate9871 - 4/10/2019 02:00

Mr. Nice Guy

Today, while driving home, a jeep hit the back of my car. When I got home and told my boyfriend, he acted concerned but still wanted to know what was for dinner. I think I have whiplash, can't stop shaking from the shock and he's practically already waiting at the dinner table. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 07:48 - Australia

Today, I awkwardly had to comfort my 32 year old friend when he broke down crying in the middle of a crowded McDonald's. Apparently they no longer serve barbecue bacon cheeseburgers. FML

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By stuckass - 5/4/2016 09:02 - Pakistan

Today, our office had a mock audit before the real thing. I got warning note for not maintaining proper databases for last year's activities. I only joined a few months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 07:26 - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

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By lababy - 15/11/2011 17:20 - United States

Today, my son asked me where babies come from. I told him, "From god." He came back with, "Daddy said it was from fucking." FML

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By Chris - 2/2/2010 05:40 - France

Today, the windows on my car were frozen. I filled up a bucket of hot water, and threw it on the windows. The windows cracked. FML

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By shelteredchild - 20/3/2009 00:07 - United States

Today, I got the courage to ask my mom if I could go to the movies alone on my first date with my new boyfriend. She said ok, which was surprising because she never lets me go anywhere alone. When I got to the theatre with him I saw my mom. She had saved seats for us. FML

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By m0m - 4/3/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2015 20:52 - Ireland

Today, my housemate got back at me for asking for her share of a bill by losing her virginity to the guy I like, very loudly. FML

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Top comments

By MissyMayhem | 0

#404490 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:10

Naughty grandma!

By Darth_Taco | 14

#404513 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:18

Well...at least you learned to not get her drunk again :D.

COMMENTS

By MissyMayhem | 0

#404490 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:10

Naughty grandma!

laurenmary34 | 0

#405422 - Friday 17 July 2009 20:08

ahaaa i loveee it,

biohaz_fml | 0

#967250 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 10:11

americans

nitrogirl | 0

#991108 - Wednesday 12 May 2010 4:30

gotta love drunk grannys!!

SuperPineApple | 0

#2965756 - Sunday 24 July 2011 18:48

I would've gotten turned on

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3825894 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 22:00

64- Yea those damn Americans from Australia. You do know that it says where OP is from, yes? Don't just assume Someone's American because they act wild or moronic.

By pizz0wn3d | 0

#404497 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:14

hahahahaha your Nanna is lulz.

By becominginsane | 0

#404509 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:17

LOL

By Darth_Taco | 14

#404513 - Friday 17 July 2009 12:18

Well...at least you learned to not get her drunk again :D.

spoo | 24

#405132 - Friday 17 July 2009 17:55

Why? This is awesome... not for her grandkids, but for everybody else in the room! I wouldnt be able to stop laughing at an old lady ranting about stuff like this.

measure life by love or laughter, not pride