Miscellaneous: Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up...

By whoababy55 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41341

You deserved it

2624

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Rock, hard place

Dementia or hate? You decide

By Anonymous - 23/3/2021 05:59 - United States

Legend

Today, I tripped really hard and twisted my ankle on a toy that was on the floor, dropping a bag of trash filled with coffee and energy drinks my husband has piled around his desk. Instead of helping me up or helping me clean, he berated me about it. Told me that it's not my problem and went to his LoL game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

996

You deserved it

123

Favorite

By McWhopper - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that maggots can live inside of a saxophone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30511

You deserved it

4337

Favorite

By UnemployedGrad - United States

Today, I was offered a position as a school crossing guard. I have a $200,000 degree in Economics from a top 20 University and was offered a position to hold a stop sign and wear a reflective vest. I was tempted to accept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41048

You deserved it

7029

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss told me I was fired 3 weeks ago because there was no money to pay me, meaning that I worked the last three weeks for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46265

You deserved it

3046

Favorite

By The Dishwasher - Canada - Guelph

Today, I started work at catering company. I was aware that I'd be cleaning dishes, but they forgot to warn me how many. Needless to say, after polishing 527 glasses, my hands hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3622

You deserved it

1078

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34989

You deserved it

6290

Favorite

By Matthew - United States - Largo

Today, after working at my summer job for 3 weeks, I was informed that I was too young to work there. I had contacted them 3 months prior and had given them my birthdate multiple times. I had also attended a special training in their corporate HQ, which I drove 7 hours both ways to get to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5051

You deserved it

300

Favorite

No chance

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me over late at night. I got excited, assuming she finally wanted sex. No, she just wanted me to make her mac and cheese and talk to her because she was ‘restless’. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1453

You deserved it

847

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sent my main man a picture of the two of us out on our second date. He immediately added it to his MySpace account, with the caption, "clubbin with my hoe." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24343

You deserved it

9561

Favorite

By Sammmmi - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, I heard someone try to get into my back garden. I ran to the front door, opened it and shouted at whoever it was. I then saw a police officer appear, following the person who'd jumped my fence. I then realised I wasn't wearing any trousers. I'd shouted at the police half naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11608

You deserved it

1850

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a restaurant for her birthday. She had to go to the toilet while there, and when she came back, she was crying. When I asked why, she said "I'm on my period!" and sobbed loudly in front of everyone that we couldn't have birthday sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66080

You deserved it

6980

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1808

You deserved it

226

Favorite

By DMO - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10703

You deserved it

63751

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45904

You deserved it

6886

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada - Maple

Today, I found out that my best friend's psycho ex-girlfriend has been stalking me on social media for the past few months, when she contacted me asking why I was holding hands with him in a picture from over two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19285

You deserved it

1340

Favorite

By wookieewhosshe - United Kingdom - Sutton Coldfield

Today, my building's fire alarm went off. Unfortunately, this coincided with sexy time, and the loud alarm made me jumpy, making it extremely difficult to untie my naked boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2017

You deserved it

350

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Lake Forest

Today, I went on what I thought was a date. After a wonderful night with a perfect gentleman, he told me how excited he is that he's moving in with his girlfriend next week, and thanked me for reassuring him that he doesn't want anyone but her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55226

You deserved it

3903

Favorite

By maxus - United States

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35789

You deserved it

4482

Favorite

By SplashOuch - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28865

You deserved it

7145

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had to drive down to my parents' house. On they way down, I needed to fill up on gas but unfortunately I'd forgotten my wallet at home with all of my cash and credit cards. I then had to call triple A and explain to them in all seriousness how I ran out of gas at the gas station. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17109

You deserved it

3285

Favorite

By WamBamSam - United Kingdom - Kidderminster

Today, whilst at a red light in my car, a homeless man with a spray bottle and a dirty rag came over to clean my windows. He started with the driver's window, which was wide open, and whatever was in his spray bottle smelled suspiciously like urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29957

You deserved it

2328

Favorite

By Anonymous - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, my husband and I arrived in Barbados on vacation. We visited a club, and they had a selection of drinks with weird names. My husband ordered one called the Raging Bitch, flicked his finger towards me, and said to the barkeeper, "Might as well get something I'm used to." FML

I agree, your life sucks

48764

You deserved it

11252

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to my empty apartment. My girlfriend had left a note on the floor that said: "Took my stuff and left. Took your stuff and pawned it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42755

You deserved it

5268

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Appleton

Today, my step-mom restarted the computer because she thought she'd downloaded a virus that stopped her from being able to click on anything, erasing my 7-page paper in the process. It turns out it was just the batteries dying in our wireless mouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27511

You deserved it

13363

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57915

You deserved it

5974

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Hobbs

We got a reader!

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

29312

You deserved it

3732

Favorite

By getslostinherownhouse - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24071

You deserved it

60843

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my work and proposing to me. It was sweet until an angry customer bitched us out for "wasting her time." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30093

You deserved it

3565

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Queen Creek

Today, I dressed up as my friend for Halloween. He has a very distinct style and I thought my costume was pretty clever. When he saw me, he said he had never been so offended in his entire life, and now I feel like a complete asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32469

You deserved it

16476

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was stung by a wasp. Startled, I stumbled and grabbed a nearby tree branch to regain my balance. The branch happened to be the location of the wasp's nest, which fell to the ground and split open. The wasps weren't happy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26172

You deserved it

1929

Favorite

By mudy247

Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3365

You deserved it

840

Favorite

By Ellencrazee - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28670

You deserved it

5247

Favorite

By BrillianceSucks - Canada

Today, I had to give a 15-minute presentation for a conference. I hadn't had the time to write out a proper speech so I decided to just wing it. My sponsor liked my presentation so much he wants me to turn it into an article. Now if only I could remember what I said. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39168

You deserved it

12411

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, I learned that "Je suis excité" does not mean "I'm excited" in French. It means "I'm sexually excited"... more or less. I've been doing a lot of exciting things and using it a lot the past two weeks. With my French friends, people I meet, and especially with my host family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37699

You deserved it

14306

Favorite

By The L word - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been trying to date for six months is gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29817

You deserved it

6244

Favorite

By ifpigsflew - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29093

You deserved it

2761

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting in line at Gamestop, another customer and the cashier started chatting about how Pokémon is for kids, and anyone over 10 who's into it is weird. Embarrassed, I put the new Pokémon game back on the shelf and snuck out of the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33604

You deserved it

18671

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34172

You deserved it

5536

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I made eye contact with a cute guy from across a packed train. He then yelled out, in front of everyone, "You've got foam on your nose!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37335

You deserved it

4024

Favorite

By BathroomMuch - United States

Today, I have been stuck in the bathroom. Apparently, my 8 year old son decided to sneak in some TurboLax into the juice we left out for Santa. Well played son. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36788

You deserved it

7702

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By monkeyspark | 6

#505292 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:02

I'd kick his ass.

By Intoxicunt | 5

#505309 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:05

He sounds like an ass. I'm not some anti-drinking, self-righteous bitch, but he just sounds like an idiot. Get over him. Go have fun.

COMMENTS

By monkeyspark | 6

#505292 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:02

I'd kick his ass.

tyhillman | 0

#505366 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:21

Why would you answer the phone in the first place?

toaster468 | 0

#983891 - Friday 23 April 2010 2:11

half life pwns

rawrlily | 0

#1050717 - Thursday 1 July 2010 1:36

so he was your EX boyfriend???

By oogyboogy | 6

#505299 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:03

If he has ever gotten drunk he doesn't deserve you

LordKoin772 | 0

#505472 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:57

Shut up #2

djb23 | 0

#506948 - Saturday 22 August 2009 10:34

The fact that he's drunk dialing you at 1 am shows that he doesn't have any respect for you anyway, you deserve someone better and are definitely better off without him.

By evangldbrg | 0

#505307 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:04

YDI for not being a lesbian

tapesculpture | 0

#511882 - Monday 24 August 2009 21:24

lmfao win

fckinbowdown | 0

#1096551 - Friday 16 July 2010 5:56

you should fuck his best friend

By Intoxicunt | 5

#505309 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:05

He sounds like an ass. I'm not some anti-drinking, self-righteous bitch, but he just sounds like an idiot. Get over him. Go have fun.

By kitkatkelly | 0

#505323 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:09

Now that's one organized chap. Classy, too.

By irishdancer | 0

#505329 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:10

Aww... That sucks. I'm sorry. Certain guys can be jerks sometimes.

By meowalexx | 0

#505336 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:12

Well, he wouldn't be your boyfriend anymore if he had already broken up with you, right?

bs82407 | 0

#919775 - Saturday 6 March 2010 22:04

haha i was wonderin if anyone else would fuckin notice that.

By shootingstar8D | 0

#505337 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:12

Your better off without him

By Acceleration995 | 0

#505347 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:15

at least you know its really over

By Th217 | 2

#505374 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:23

haha dick