Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up...

By whoababy55 - United States

Today, at around 1 am, my boyfriend drunk-dialed and broke up with me. He didn't seem to remember he had already broken up with me yesterday. Thanks for reminding me. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Not now!

By Anonymous - United States - Papillion

Today, I accidentally sent a nude to my 10-year-old brother. FML

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By Dulieu - United States

Today, I woke up next to my girlfriend. When she asked me to pick up her thong from behind my bed I realized there were two. I didn't pick up hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By problems - Thailand - Phuket

Today, on my holiday in Thailand I was using the ATM to withdraw $500 worth of Baht. While doing this the ATM crashed and decided to restart. After 5 minutes it spat my card out and nothing else. When I returned to the hotel to use the Wifi, the ATM had deducted the money from my account. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By HamHanded

Ham-fisted attempt

Today, my loving but absent-minded father gave me a packet of ham for my birthday, which would be pretty shit even if I hadn't been a strict vegetarian for the last 27 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog" and without thinking I respond, "you too." FML

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By Singlelady - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By GM38 - United States - Melbourne

Today, I divorced my husband of 20 years. The only positive thing about my day was my pregnancy test. Yes, it was his. FML

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By armywife980

Today, after teaching my 4 year old son about the concept of "Stranger Danger," we had gone to a park full of people. When I walked up to him to tell him we had to leave, he ran, screaming "Stranger! Don't touch me!" FML

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By Not Engaged - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

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34393

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By don't pray, PAY

Today, I attended a Buddhist prayer service for my religion and philosophy course. When the service was over, everyone stood up. Unfortunately, my legs and feet had fallen asleep so much that I lost balance and tackled a monk into the shrine. I'm expected to pay for injuries and damages. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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By tawnaciousd - United States

Today, my sister surprised me by cleaning my room and doing my laundry. She found my journal, condoms and vibrator and decided to share her findings with my family. Oh yes... she also shrunk half my wardrobe. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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767

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By anonymous - United States - Silverdale

Today, I auditioned for the role of Rizzo in a local production of Grease. The director told me I wasn't tough enough, and that my persona too sweet and childlike for the part. I asked if I should instead try out to play Sandy. He replied "I was being nice. Honestly, you're ugly and can't act." FML

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You deserved it

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By notgettingany - United States

Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex with my wife. FML

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43610

You deserved it

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By jmrz - Puerto Rico - San Juan

Today, I went to the store for a warranty claim on my prescription glasses due to little spots that had appeared on the lenses, covering both. It took 2 seconds for the employee to determine that it was hairspray. FML

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8513

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By Elissa Roth Gooden - 6/4/2020 14:00

He will

Today, I actually got to meet actor George Takei. He was really sweet and charming, and I was just thrilled. When we parted, I wanted to say either, "I'll always remember this" or "I'll never forget this." It came out as, "I'll never remember this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1584

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2020 23:00

Forever alone, episode 7864

Today, I lied at a store when the checkout person told me the cologne I was buying was for men. I told him it was for my boyfriend. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, I just wanted it to smell like one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1301

You deserved it

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By idiotfucks - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was hanging out with my friends, and we got the idea to do some improv comedy together for a laugh. Barely two minutes into our fake political debate, everyone had apparently forgotten it was all a joke. Raging ensued, and a vicious fight quickly followed. FML

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By latino14 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I tried to go to the gym, but I ended up watching cat videos on YouTube for three hours. FML

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12078

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By Theresa - 10/10/2020 17:01

Man's best friend

Today, at my daughter's soccer game, my nephew's dog helped herself to the Snowball I was eating, leaving fur on the side she didn't lick and left it unsalvageable. She peed on the blanket I was sitting on, tried to bite another kid, and went on to pop my kid's soccer ball that she'd used twice since I purchased it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

901

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my serious boyfriend was talking about how he wants to get engaged and married. I was really happy until he said he's excited mainly for the tax benefits. FML

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53318

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By the forgotten one - United States

Today, my grandfather sent everyone in my family an email thanking them for the photo we got him. I'd bought the frame, edited the picture, and delivered it to him. All everyone else did was show up and complain while the picture was being taken. I'm the only one who didn't get a thank you email. FML

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By mississippi123 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30888

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By APetsPet - United States

Today, I got an email from the company that manages my cat's microchip informing me that I had to update my information that had been entered by the local Humane Society. Apparently, they listed my cat "Coral" as the owner, and me as the pet. To change it, they needed the cat's signature. FML

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You deserved it

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By funfettifirework - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

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You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Livingston

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

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51440

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By kitkat - United States

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend. He said it was because he lived 2 hours away, but I think the ultrasound photos his other girlfriend posted proudly on his Facebook wall are the real reason. FML

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48243

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By twiggygonegirl

Today, I updated my list of "quit smoking rewards" to include new clothes. New clothes to fit my new voluptuous body, because the question of how I used to stay thin has been answered. FML

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3744

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By AMIGODO - Netherlands

Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML

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38674

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 08:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

New skills

Today, I lost my virginity. Today, I also learned how to fake an orgasm. Twice. FML

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By Puddlepop - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, in history class I was called "ignorant" and "inconsiderate" because I referred to Stalin as a "he". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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33847

You deserved it

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By nean83 - United States - Inglewood

Today, my dad was helping me move my stuff out. I'd asked my boyfriend to deal with my sex toys and lingerie, but still my dad showed up later at my new place, handed me a box full of them all, and simply said, "I don't want to know." FML

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24397

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By MooCow - United States

Today, my best friend told me to face my fear of cows and hop over the fence in with them. This resulted in me being chased by a raging cow, and thrusting myself head first over a fence. FML

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25500

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By Florida - United States

Today, my husband informed me that his father adopted a dog. I replied "Cool," he then said, "She happens to have your name." I think my father in law is trying to send me a message. FML

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27030

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went into work and noticed one of my fellow colleagues had a large bunch of flowers on her desk. As soon as I saw her, I immediately said, "Happy Birthday!" Everyone went quiet. It wasn't her birthday; her father had died. FML

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By auscop - Australia

Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26610

You deserved it

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

62232

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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Top comments

By monkeyspark | 6

#505292 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:02

I'd kick his ass.

By Intoxicunt | 5

#505309 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:05

He sounds like an ass. I'm not some anti-drinking, self-righteous bitch, but he just sounds like an idiot. Get over him. Go have fun.

COMMENTS

By monkeyspark | 6

#505292 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:02

I'd kick his ass.

tyhillman | 0

#505366 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:21

Why would you answer the phone in the first place?

toaster468 | 0

#983891 - Friday 23 April 2010 2:11

half life pwns

rawrlily | 0

#1050717 - Thursday 1 July 2010 1:36

so he was your EX boyfriend???

By oogyboogy | 6

#505299 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:03

If he has ever gotten drunk he doesn't deserve you

LordKoin772 | 0

#505472 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:57

Shut up #2

djb23 | 0

#506948 - Saturday 22 August 2009 10:34

The fact that he's drunk dialing you at 1 am shows that he doesn't have any respect for you anyway, you deserve someone better and are definitely better off without him.

By evangldbrg | 0

#505307 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:04

YDI for not being a lesbian

tapesculpture | 0

#511882 - Monday 24 August 2009 21:24

lmfao win

fckinbowdown | 0

#1096551 - Friday 16 July 2010 5:56

you should fuck his best friend

By Intoxicunt | 5

#505309 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:05

He sounds like an ass. I'm not some anti-drinking, self-righteous bitch, but he just sounds like an idiot. Get over him. Go have fun.

By kitkatkelly | 0

#505323 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:09

Now that's one organized chap. Classy, too.

By irishdancer | 0

#505329 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:10

Aww... That sucks. I'm sorry. Certain guys can be jerks sometimes.

By meowalexx | 0

#505336 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:12

Well, he wouldn't be your boyfriend anymore if he had already broken up with you, right?

bs82407 | 0

#919775 - Saturday 6 March 2010 22:04

haha i was wonderin if anyone else would fuckin notice that.

By shootingstar8D | 0

#505337 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:12

Your better off without him

By Acceleration995 | 0

#505347 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:15

at least you know its really over

By Th217 | 2

#505374 - Friday 21 August 2009 20:23

haha dick