Work: Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't...

By comphone - France

Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. I couldn't find my customer's address, so I decided to call him. I'd picked up my wireless house phone instead of my mobile. FML

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Work

Thanks Felicia

Mystery

It's not unusual

Everything is clean

Today, I went to the bank to deposit the cash I made waiting tables. While the teller was counting, I apologized for having so many small bills and she said "It's OK honey, I helped another one of your kind just the other day. You're lucky we take your dirty money." She thought I was a stripper. FML

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By MyBallsForSaleOnEbay - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML

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By isuckatparking. seriously.

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

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By thatsureshowedme - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I tried being rebellious for the first time in my life by sneaking out past my curfew. I decided to use my bedroom window to stealthily leave the house. I ended up twisting my ankle when I tried to make my "grand" escape. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By tsukinoie - United States

Today, I invited my best friend to sleep on my couch while he looks for a new place. He walked inside, dropped his stuff on the floor and asked me my policy on hookers. I laughed it off as a joke. Half an hour later my doorbell rang. He took my laughter as a yes. FML

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By myles bevan - United Kingdom

Today, whilst sat next to a old lady on a flight back to the UK, I exclaimed how I wished somebody would gag the crying baby a few rows behind us. Her reply was, "That's my grandson." FML

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By awkward - Canada - Okotoks

Today, at a grocery store, a man came up to me while I was picking out apples and whispered in my ear, "That's how Snow White died." FML

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By Yeah-It's-Just-Me - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I had numerous calls from people saying they need a baby sitter, because "they know I wasn't invited anywhere". FML

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By chaoticnh - Austria

Today, I found out how it feels to have my groin catch fire due to a magic trick going wrong. FML

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By ninja_blasphemer - Ireland

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom gave me a talk on safe sex. During a three hour car ride. With my friends in the back seat. FML

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By Theaccident - Australia

The truth

Today, my mum told me how I was only here because my dad couldn't pull out in time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Stockton

Today, I had to explain to my boss that using a wired connection instead of wifi won't stop his computer from getting viruses. He looked at me, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, like he was a 13-year-old boy and I was a pair of tits. Then he called me clueless and told me to get back to work. FML

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By oops - United States - Omaha

Today, I forgot to shut off some pumps before closing the main valves that run to them. Several sirens soon started blaring at a deafening level. I'm new here and nobody else is around. I don't know how to shut the sirens off. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By Ladieda - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, my parents think it's so hot outside that it's okay for them to work in the garden naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Desoto

Today, I went out with a friend to grab some food and we were served by this really cute and fun waiter. Stepping out of my comfort zone and deciding to do something crazy, I left my phone number on the bill. I got home only to realize that I forgot to pay the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband and I had the grand opening to our new winery. We had a big sign out front saying "FREE GRAPES", to try and get more people interested. People kept giving us dirty looks when passing. We later realized there was something covering the "G". FML

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By questionmark707 - United States - Fullerton

Today, while driving my car near a farm, I hit a man on the side of the road. I started freaking out and got out of the car to help him. It was then that I found out that I'd hit a scarecrow. FML

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By pissed off

Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML

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By gorillalove - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

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By grossedout - United States - Endicott

Today, I actually had to explain to my husband why his habit of wiping his boogers off into our baby's hair has to stop. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By fmlisthebomb - United States

Today, my mother got a call from our old high school saying that they had fifteen freshmen boys in his office with a nude photo of me on their phones. I had sent that photo only to my boyfriend. Apparently he loves to share me. FML

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By Sherlock - France

Today, my youngest son had to have stitches in his chin. He did great, I passed out. FML

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By poomaster - United States

Today, I spent an hour at work trying to make a tortoise poo. When he finally did, I was so excited and felt pretty triumphant. Then I realized that my job was to make animals drop their load. FML

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By sam - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

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By Stevo - United States

Today, my math teacher told me to learn how to say "welcome to wal-mart". FML

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By sarah - United States

Today, I ate an entire pack of breath mints in preparation for a date. Instead of giving me fresh breath, it gave me a terrible case of diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my favorite drive-in burger joint for dinner. As I was nearing the end of my burger, I grabbed a cup from the cup holder that I thought was filled with soda. Instead, I got a mouthful of dip spit that a friend left in my car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that one should not sleep with their roommate's friends, especially the ones that never go home. I spent the whole weekend in my room just to avoid the awkwardness. FML

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By Missedtheboat - United States

Today, I finished making an awesome costume for a Halloween party my crush was attending. I then checked the invite and found out the party was last night. FML

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By Takuma - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a few of my friends, including an old ex-girlfriend and her current boyfriend of 5 years. When my ex, whose virginity I had taken years earlier, mentioned, "I had the iPhone first," without thinking, I immediately responded, "Well, I had YOU first." FML

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By unemployable - United States

Today, I had an important job interview. The interviewer really seemed to like me. Instead of hiring me, he asked me out on a date. FML

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By jimmy_poison - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend was playing a game on my phone, an unknown number sent me a nude picture and the words "Miss you, baby." This person's mistake just cost me a black eye, and probably my relationship too. FML

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Top comments

By fulgura | 10

#5393017 - Monday 4 March 2013 23:29

I think you could've just done: "Today, I went to work 300 miles away from where I live. FML"

By carriealana | 0

#17369 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:56

WTF? you deserved that one.

COMMENTS

By carriealana | 0

#17369 - Friday 6 March 2009 2:56

WTF? you deserved that one.

By ilybaby1616 | 0

#67804 - Sunday 29 March 2009 20:36

lmfaoooo!!! thats funny as hell!!!! but how did u mistake ur house fonr 4 ur cell??? jwjw

GekGek | 4

#6689723 - Wednesday 14 September 2016 22:40

what the fuck is wrong with you? are you so mentally handicapped you can't fully spell or even spell words correctly?

By vicky93 | 0

#127984 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 0:37

fuck your life.

By lindZAAAY | 0

#334564 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 0:05

typical trannies....

By drinkupgorgeous | 0

#334979 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 3:09

HAHAHAHA

By bigraws23 | 0

#354026 - Tuesday 30 June 2009 6:55

I don't get it

youngboss_fml | 2

#477600 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 20:49

are you bein serious

By angelcmel | 0

#829838 - Saturday 6 February 2010 9:41

LOL hahaha, Honest mistake. I too plead guilty to that >.<

By b182link | 0

#968929 - Saturday 27 March 2010 4:02

uhh payphone...

By bossybanks | 0

#998994 - Thursday 20 May 2010 16:49

lol crazy!

By matt5217 | 4

#1100114 - Saturday 17 July 2010 3:17

that's what I was thinking