Animals: Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked... - FML

16/02/2012 07:43 - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 116

You deserved it 4 751

Our house, in the middle of our street

Creepy idea, dude

Time for a change

06/12/2014 05:18 - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 119

You deserved it 3 570

20/04/2017 18:00 - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 499

You deserved it 425

25/01/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 560

You deserved it 3 423

Ever get the feeling you've been cheated?

By kitty - 11/11/2012 10:10 - Australia

Today, I watched my neighbor shake cat food calling, "Come here Mollie" at his back door. I then saw my own cat run into his house. I now know why my cat is so fat and never replies to me calling her Bonnie. I guess I'm being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 952

You deserved it 3 007

23/07/2012 19:12 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 173

You deserved it 5 345

13/12/2008 05:48 - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 737

You deserved it 2 944

30/09/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 440

You deserved it 2 398

08/02/2017 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 740

You deserved it 1 999

28/05/2009 18:09 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I sent a forward to the ladies at my office. When I scrolled down I noticed my personal emails from my best friend were attached. They go into great detail about the sex I had last night, when I was planning on dumping my boyfriend and that I suspected I had an anal fissure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 703

You deserved it 61 041

21/11/2015 14:54 - United States - Yuba City

Spicy

Today, I finally felt ready to lose my virginity with my boyfriend. Unfortunately he was too embarrassed to go and buy some condoms, and suggested in all seriousness that we use a sandwich bag instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 558

You deserved it 3 893

Dad jokes, part #23555

By Lizzie - 06/09/2019 12:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 248

08/07/2013 17:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, my boyfriend and I were out cliff jumping, when for the first time, he told me he loved me. I panicked and pushed him over the edge and into the water. He's now in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 610

You deserved it 72 390

30/03/2015 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 692

You deserved it 26 157

07/01/2012 00:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me there was good news and bad news. Bad news: she's pregnant. Good news: I'm probably not the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 237

You deserved it 4 374

Dirty talk

By Username - 24/02/2010 15:06

Spicy

Today, as I was in the middle of giving my boyfriend head, he looked at me and said "Eat that cockmeat sandwich." He seriously thought it was a turn on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 661

You deserved it 4 741

A tad unfair

By Anonymous - 02/04/2021 14:01

Today, my parents have made it very clear to me that if I fail one more assignment, they’re disowning me. I got a zero on a paper that I poured my heart and soul into, and in the notes, the teacher wrote, “I don’t even need to read this paper to know that it is bad.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 153

You deserved it 116

19/01/2019 14:00

Today, I stopped and helped a young lady stuck on the side of the road. Guess who got accused of forcing myself and got charged with impersonating a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 453

You deserved it 251

22/09/2011 13:55 - Australia

Today, I was expecting my period. To avoid the embarrassment of everyone in the office finding out, instead of putting tampons in my bag, I hid one in my bra. It fell out while I was coming back from lunch. I am now known to all as "The Tampon Dispenser". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 908

You deserved it 33 924

08/07/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 470

You deserved it 1 799

02/02/2010 13:00 - United States

Today, I found out that I owe the IRS money due to my previous job not taking enough taxes out. I am broke, unemployed, and was counting on a big refund so I could pay for my divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 943

You deserved it 4 925

15/01/2010 16:50 - United States

Today, I was on a conference call while in the bathroom with all the important people in my district. I thought my phone was on mute, so I took the opportunity to flush the toilet. Turns out, that my phone wasn't on mute, and everyone heard it. I'm the only one who was on the conference call outside of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 418

You deserved it 30 756

12/08/2009 14:20 - United States

Today, I found my car had been robbed. The thieves stole my GPS, my iPod and my digital camera. While I was filing the police report, the officer recommended I take photos for insurance purposes. Then she remembered my camera had been stolen. She actually started laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 936

You deserved it 5 369

09/05/2013 16:01 - United States

Today, my ex-wife, whom I divorced just 8 months ago, asked me to attend her wedding, because "it would mean a lot" to her. She's marrying the man she cheated on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 158

You deserved it 3 297

11/12/2011 07:29 - Canada

Today, while my boyfriend was sneaking out before my parents woke, he slipped on some ice and fell on their car. The alarm went off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 250

You deserved it 29 682

Imitation is a form of flattery. Or is it?

By Anonymous - 08/08/2020 14:02

Today, and ever since he saw the infamous interview that was on TV the other day, every time I say something to my husband, he keeps quoting, "You can't do that!" and "You don't know that!" at me in Donald Trump's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 171

You deserved it 164

15/11/2012 23:34 - Australia - Saint Lucia

Today, my boyfriend and I cleaned his parents' whole house while they were out, just to be nice. When they came home, they assumed we only did it because we'd made some huge mess that we needed to hide. I'm now banned from their house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 393

You deserved it 2 553

16/09/2012 12:36 - United States - Youngsville

Today, my husband and I bought a new swing for our front porch. We put it together and sat down to enjoy our accomplishment. 5 minutes into our swing I threw up several times. I have really bad motion sickness, and apparently a swing is no exception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 648

You deserved it 3 708

05/08/2011 23:51 - Canada

Today, I was working at the hospital front desk when an elderly man started hurling racial slurs at another visitor. A fight broke out, so I stepped in and forcibly separated the two. The old man tripped and crashed to the floor. Now I'm under investigation for "contributing to workplace violence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 309

You deserved it 2 822

06/10/2014 23:47 - United Kingdom - Bridgnorth

Today, I told my boyfriend about how I was a test tube baby. He looked at me with confusion before asking, "But if scientists made you, surely you'd be really attractive and talented and stuff?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 969

You deserved it 4 586

08/04/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 796

You deserved it 4 103

17/04/2009 14:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to re-take an hour long MRI scan because I got an erection midway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 946

You deserved it 17 229

The Terror

By Anonymous - 12/09/2019 06:00 - New Zealand

Today, it's my first day off in over two months. My colleagues disagree - they won't stop calling me. I'm not allowed to turn my phone off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 519

You deserved it 132

02/07/2009 19:34 - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 004

You deserved it 3 075

20/11/2012 15:50 - United States - Sandston

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house having dinner with her and her parents. I was casually playing footsie with my girlfriend under the table, until her mom stopped eating and said, "You know that's my foot, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 283

You deserved it 33 212

11/08/2011 06:04 - Canada

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 340

You deserved it 4 108

19/06/2009 17:57 - United States

Today, my phone died. I plugged it in to charge and then went out to run some errands. When I returned, my phone was no where to be found, and our shovel was on the floor, muddy and wet. I then discovered my 6-year old son had buried my "dead" 200$ palmpilot because he had felt sorry for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 561

You deserved it 6 982

03/12/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I saw a girl walking to class by herself. I thought she was weird for not having any friends to walk with. Thats when I realized I was eating lunch by myself. In my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 137

You deserved it 42 596

Goddamn safety regulations!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2021 02:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, my partner and I went to the inspection of a house we wanted to buy. The whole roof was illegal. This is the second time our realtor has shown us a house with major issues. FML

I agree, your life sucks 795

You deserved it 81

31/05/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 432

You deserved it 275

04/09/2013 21:07 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 942

You deserved it 8 967

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Mama_Umbridge 8

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 11:58

With your fancy new ferret earring?

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:03

That's one way to shoplift

Comments

Mama_Umbridge 8

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 11:58

With your fancy new ferret earring?

onedayinamsterda 14

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:00

good thing u haven't started working there then.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:06

ferret's are more expensive than a lot of earrings too. FANCY

sweetdreams20 0

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:58

I donno OP you might have PETA after you

SiriusBlack97 17

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:09

I'm nothing like you.. I'm cool!

SecretlyADuck 7

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:11

Soo thats a no on that job i take it ?

Discombobulated9 12

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:54

You were actually given a good opportunity to prove you can handle animals that aren't always going to be cute and cuddly. If you felt you couldn't handle it, you're probably not good for the job.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 14:59

After Kindergarten Cop i can now only hear the word ferret said in an Arnie accent

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 16:49

PETA would hate your new, and may I say fashionable, weasel accessories.

skullcandifiedDJ 5

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 19:12

You be a trend setter. I bet everyone's gonna have ferrets hanging out of their damn ears now

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 22:06

Ferrets, they'll fuck your shit up!

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 9:06

ouch!

Geekyandproud 19

Send a private message

Sunday 17 March 2013 1:22

Why did you steal Draco Malfoy?

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:03

That's one way to shoplift

Doxy 22

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:50

He's obviously a master criminal.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 15:20

Yahoowizard: I love you...

Send a private message

Friday 17 February 2012 15:53

Some merchandise is just IMPOSSIBLE to put down.

MonsterSlayer13 5

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:11

wow.... :l

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:12

why pick up the ferret?

LaughinStock 16

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 14:59

8 they are cute..I owned one and he would shit little mountains lol :). Then I'd try to pet him and he'd get all mad at me :(.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:13

If you get the job, you and the ferret will have a lot of fun!

mk58 31

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:16

The ferret was just testing whether you'd be suitable for the job. You failed the test.

ProhibitionRose 14

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:18

As adorable as ferrets are, I never let mine anywhere near my face as its safe to assume that ferrets that are sold in pet stores bite since they aren't handled as much as ones you'd buy from a breeder.

yummy_richkid 3

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 14:23

Your profile picture fits into this FML very well.

yummy_richkid 3

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 20:25

Oh. I just realized that it fits into the FML for two reasons. I was just reading the caption "At least you tried". But there are also puppies in the picture. Ha. I'm slow.

Pelreskovich 11

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:26

When you show anger you get fired from your job, when you get fired from your job you grow a scraggly beard searching for a new one in desperation. When you can't find a new job you eventually try the pet store and start taking in animals. Once you take in one animal you can't stop taking in animals.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:05

you're one sneaky Direct TV saleman

Pelreskovich 11

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:27

I put my own little twist on it! :)

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 13:41

haha. you know what's funny is, i thought you made it up but knew the reference. then literally 10 minutes later i saw the commercial and went, "OHHHHHHHH!" your comment made the commercial that much more awesome!

Pelreskovich 11

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 14:31

I've seen that commercial at least 15 times and still die laughing, especially when he picks up the cat and is hunching down looking around to see if anyone saw him. LOL.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 14:34

Also, your grandchild could have a dog collar. Don't let your grandchild have a dog collar.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 15:15

Bahahahahaha that is funny!!!! I was thinking in my head this sounds quite familiar :D

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 16:46

Don't wake up in a roadside ditch.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:30

Fail.

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 17:48

Why bother commenting if you're just going to say one word?? You fail! Fyl op, I bet that hurt just a tad :/

Send a private message

Thursday 16 February 2012 12:39

The visual of you walking out calmly with a ferret on your ear makes me laugh.

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 96

You deserved it 313

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 69