Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed... - FML

By Earlybird76 - 4/4/2017 09:00 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5337

You deserved it

284

Tweet

Share

Or he's just becoming an old goober

Ghosted

Freak out

By bowler99 - 12/1/2015 16:43 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little brother walked in on me and my girlfriend having sex and threatened to tell my parents. I paid him $30 to keep quiet. 15 minutes later he told them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39101

You deserved it

15004

Tweet

Share

By thissucks - 20/6/2009 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 2 months found out she was 4 months pregnant with her ex's baby. She told me I could leave her and she wouldn't blame me, but I decided to stay with her. She told me she loved me and then dumped me because she needed to be with her baby's daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59400

You deserved it

6849

Tweet

Share

By Ellie - 8/5/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I was practicing for a choir concert that I have next week. My mom walked into my room and listened to me for a little while. After I finished the last song, she smiled, patted me on the head and said, "It's okay honey, I can't sing either." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24820

You deserved it

2952

Tweet

Share

By girlsx2mom - 31/8/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37520

You deserved it

7839

Tweet

Share

By TheVirginJenny - 7/10/2012 00:05 - United States - Spanaway

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32805

You deserved it

7713

Tweet

Share

By Nightbird827 - 2/12/2015 14:34

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21884

You deserved it

8332

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/2/2014 15:21 - United States

Today, I was driving along, and went to spit out my window. My window was up. This happened in heavy traffic. People saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20043

You deserved it

51717

Tweet

Share

By Lea - 16/3/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27317

You deserved it

4856

Tweet

Share

By Sewert_5 - 10/11/2015 16:16

Today, I made a fatal mistake that may cost my company thousands of dollars. This was right after I got a recognition for my outstanding work last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22858

You deserved it

4007

Tweet

Share

By coolchicka05 - 6/10/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40780

You deserved it

9685

Tweet

Share

By lolwut - 15/1/2012 18:17 - United States

Today, I switched from pads to tampons. It took me several botched attempts trying insert one before I succeeded, and now I feel like I've just raped myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40430

You deserved it

13758

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 18:18 - Ireland - Kilkenny

Today, I was having some rare good sex with my husband, when he suddenly said "I'm fuckin' BORED," and pulled out so he could go play his video games. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45941

You deserved it

5577

Tweet

Share

By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

34279

You deserved it

6691

Tweet

Share

By don’tletthembite - 4/5/2020 02:00

Gifts for the whole family

Today, my trucker husband brought home roses for me, toys for the kids and bedbugs for the whole house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1590

You deserved it

100

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6782

You deserved it

371

Tweet

Share

By ShayisPay101 - 15/2/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, my daughter told me she wanted to be a stripper when she grew up, just like daddy's girlfriend. We're still married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44346

You deserved it

3853

Tweet

Share

By FrOsTy25 - 13/4/2011 22:57

Today, I ran a red light in front of a cop and got pulled over. My friend thought it would be funny to throw a knife in my lap and scream "Help me officer, he has a knife!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

50634

You deserved it

7606

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - 21/8/2012 23:17 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26905

You deserved it

1751

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/5/2020 23:00

Too much of a good thing

Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

679

You deserved it

1424

Tweet

Share

By uhhh what? - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my parents told me that I will grow up to be a criminal, living on the streets, on drugs. All this because I took the last chocolate egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32208

You deserved it

5463

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 01:03 - United States

Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46547

You deserved it

7083

Tweet

Share

By crazybitch - 18/6/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26781

You deserved it

3998

Tweet

Share

By VahnSeiro - 20/2/2010 06:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years called me, drunk, telling me how much anal sex hurts with some other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32235

You deserved it

2715

Tweet

Share

By me - 20/11/2013 15:28 - United States - Bronx

Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45060

You deserved it

3814

Tweet

Share

By Madison Ostermeier - 28/6/2019 12:05

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1477

You deserved it

521

Tweet

Share

By Ndanick1193 - 17/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37196

You deserved it

5279

Tweet

Share

By everybodypoops - 2/8/2017 20:00

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks

3753

You deserved it

466

Tweet

Share

By Nixontones - 14/10/2011 15:09 - United States

Today, I have been pissing blood for 2 hours, ever since some douche in a Nixon mask ran up and slugged me in the kidney. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37929

You deserved it

2501

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/6/2016 03:00

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was ecstatic. Apparently, she'd been trying to figure out how to break up with me for the past four months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13487

You deserved it

1529

Tweet

Share

By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1850

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Sean - 10/6/2013 02:27 - United States

Today, I got a concussion and several staples in my head. As it turns out, watering flowers is much more dangerous than it might sound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41156

You deserved it

7625

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/3/2013 04:01 - United States - Appleton

Today, I told my girlfriend I've been a vegetarian for 6 years. Hearing this, my mom said, "No, you're not. I fry your mushrooms and onions in bacon grease." With this new information, I've been a vegetarian for about 76 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39176

You deserved it

9625

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

62732

You deserved it

12581

Tweet

Share

By randinosaur - 13/3/2011 12:48 - United States

Today, a cop rear-ended me. Then I received a ticket from him for driving too far under the speed limit. We were in a school zone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54028

You deserved it

4222

Tweet

Share

By kronic1990 - 14/1/2015 15:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I tripped over a "wet floor" sign at work and hit the floor hard. The floor wasn't even wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31101

You deserved it

4774

Tweet

Share

By sharkiewarkiemoosey - 11/10/2013 18:22 - Switzerland - Gossau

Today, I tried to catch a train to get to my new job. I was stopped and told that I needed a pre-purchased ticket to enter the platform. The only way to get the ticket, they said, was by buying one on the platform. I arrived by taxi nearly an hour late for my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40378

You deserved it

3992

Tweet

Share

By madfather - 23/2/2009 01:38 - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29048

You deserved it

72362

Tweet

Share

By mimi - 27/9/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, I shat a magnet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14634

You deserved it

35619

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 25/1/2013 20:13 - Canada - Quebec

Today, I got married. I'm Jewish, and it's traditional to break a glass cup by stepping on it after giving the bride her ring. My brother thought it would be funny to replace the glass cup with a rubber one. I slipped and fell flat on my back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39446

You deserved it

4210

Tweet

Share

By kringr - 6/6/2011 00:52 - United States

Today, I went to my high school reunion. I was super excited to see what everyone had done in their lives. The nerdy guy I bullied is now a U.S. Marine and already has two deployments in Afghanistan under his belt. He looked at me in his dress blues and said, "I remember you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

13185

You deserved it

134036

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

COMMENTS

By jkwaks | 1

#7433830 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:06

I hope you have enough money to sustain for a week and 10 mins ! Good luck for the job! And congratulations!

Reply

barleyguy | 17

#7434008 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 5:40

i wanted to say exactly that but you did.. soo i replied to your comment instead

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

By species4872 | 19

#7433851 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 19:34

Plot twist, OP's new job is in HR.

By commandokid | 13

#7433871 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:07

Better that than a week late!!

By MrSassypants | 32

#7433875 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:13

Fitting username.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7433926 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:13

Yeah, even I knew that!

I don't know why HR sent out a worldwide spam about your start date, but I'm glad to know it's legit.

By 00sweeney | 2

#7433940 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:53

So, you made a trip you didn't have to?

Your life is *truly* fucked.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#7433948 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:04

At least it shows that you're keen to start.

By Smartlead | 0

#7433958 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:47

Nickname is on point yet I think it'd be cool to add "too" so it can be "TooEarlybird"..