Work: Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed... - FML

By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5357

You deserved it

317

Tweet

Share

Understandable

Sorry…

Vulture

By Danielle Heichelbech - 8/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Chemical warfare

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

897

You deserved it

135

Tweet

Share

By HALIFAAA - Germany - Braunschweig

Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33284

You deserved it

2174

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 20:03

Greed

Today, my husband told me he wants a $600 birthday gift. He doesn't understand why I said that wasn't happening, and is now mad at me. Not only can we not afford that, he only spent less than $10 on my birthday gift last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1320

You deserved it

107

Tweet

Share

By hornyloser - United States

Today, I had some hot phone sex with my long-distance girlfriend. Half-way through, my mom stormed in, and told me I was disgusting and sick for doing it in the same room as my brother. I forgot about the baby monitor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17839

You deserved it

70076

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7226

You deserved it

1573

Tweet

Share

By the unfortunate man - United States - Salisbury

Today, I was using the urinal when another guy came in. His friends decided to scare him while he was using the urinal next to mine. They jumped out at him, he turned around and ended up peeing all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53161

You deserved it

3136

Tweet

Share

By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8544

You deserved it

746

Tweet

Share

By thatisfuckedup - United Kingdom

Today, I ordered some burgers at a fast food joint. When I said, "No lettuce," the cashier looked dumbfounded and asked, "What's that?" I literally had to say, "The green stuff" before she got it. I'm losing hope. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56341

You deserved it

3865

Tweet

Share

By wideawake - United Kingdom

Today, my husband fell asleep for two hours at a dinner party. We were the hosts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30191

You deserved it

5523

Tweet

Share

By talkssuck - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59343

You deserved it

18468

Tweet

Share

By Shotacon - United States - Woodbury

Today, while using the leg press at the gym, some guy thought he could use more weight than me since I look really young. He hurt himself. He then blamed me and tried to get me kicked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21034

You deserved it

1277

Tweet

Share

By mister_pinky - United States - Portland

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44380

You deserved it

8348

Tweet

Share

By StupidDentist - United States

Today, I went to the dentist to get a filling. Instead of giving me Novocaine, my dentist decided he was going to use a special new paste on me while he drilled. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37856

You deserved it

3161

Tweet

Share

By Ahsan - Pakistan - Multan

Today, I was late for a meeting. The meeting hall door was made of glass, and it said pull, but in my rush, I pushed the door so hard that it shattered into small pieces. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1374

You deserved it

742

Tweet

Share

By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34031

You deserved it

4205

Tweet

Share

By pat - United States

Uncertainty

Today, my parents bought me a wine glass with "Who needs a man?" painted all over it. Cute, until after dinner my mom looked me in the eyes and asked with complete sincerity, "Kara, are you gay?" My parents tried to get me to come out. I'm straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54580

You deserved it

3613

Tweet

Share

By heartless - Canada

Today, I realised that my glade plug-in air freshner lasts longer than any of my relationships have. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53042

You deserved it

10331

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cannock

Today, thanks to the unholy power of autocorrect, I told my mother-in-law that "crispy dick" is on the menu tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12605

You deserved it

1621

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Isn't it ironic, don't you think?

Today, my mom complained that I was being too loud, and she smacked my head really hard. All while screaming at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1381

You deserved it

153

Tweet

Share

By ticketed - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned that several thousand people in my state got tickets this month for driving and talking on the phone. My mom called to tell me this while I was driving. I'm now part of that statistic. Thanks, mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11264

You deserved it

36492

Tweet

Share

By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63079

You deserved it

5248

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I was bitched out at 2am by my parents, for trying to "sneak out." I was sneaking out of my bedroom to take a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45946

You deserved it

3973

Tweet

Share

By TeaSea

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5253

You deserved it

445

Tweet

Share

By Markeesha - United States - Eaton

What happens in Vegas doesn't stay there?

Today, I got a letter from the state that I'm being divorced. I've never been married. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3761

You deserved it

269

Tweet

Share

By naladetet - United States - Newark

Today, I accidentally called my boss 'mom'. Now she is jokingly telling everyone that I'm the long-lost daughter she gave up for adoption, because she knew I'd be a failure. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34570

You deserved it

4310

Tweet

Share

By dino317 - United States

Today, after many weeks of talking to this guy over the phone for hours on end and establishing that we both had feelings for the other, we met in person. He saw me, got an "emergency text," and hasn't talked to me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31053

You deserved it

5507

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my friend decided it was funny to burp in my face. The burp was actually vomit. We were in the food court at the mall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34074

You deserved it

2700

Tweet

Share

By navi - 11/3/2021 11:01

Assumptions

Today, my dad once again had to help me with my technological issues. Isn’t it usually the other way around? FML

I agree, your life sucks

502

You deserved it

373

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30635

You deserved it

4303

Tweet

Share

By Spinster - United States - Brush

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 3 years what he thought about marriage in the future. "Who knows? We might meet other people soon." FML

I agree, your life sucks

26119

You deserved it

2402

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I worked 4 hours for a huge mail call to get all the troops their Christmas mail. And just like every other mail call I did not receive one package or letter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29996

You deserved it

2497

Tweet

Share

By mszoe - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was checking the family's computer history, and found that "Shrek Porn" had been searched multiple times. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33076

You deserved it

3575

Tweet

Share

By Ashes to ashes - 16/10/2020 05:01

Oh, hi grandma!

Today, I woke up to what seemed like dirt on my face. Not dirt. It was cremated remains. My memory charm had broken open in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1098

You deserved it

295

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my ex-boyfriend asked how long he'd have to wait until he could ask out my best friend. We broke up yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33461

You deserved it

3209

Tweet

Share

By EpicFailTime

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33469

You deserved it

2864

Tweet

Share

By ugh - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35100

You deserved it

4402

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my roommate spits the mouthwash back into the bottle after he gargles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33972

You deserved it

2649

Tweet

Share

By Tigerninjagoalie - United States - Tonawanda

Today, I finally found someone who liked me and wanted to kiss me. It was a 5-year-old at the daycare I work at. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11575

You deserved it

1021

Tweet

Share

By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11825

You deserved it

30112

Tweet

Share

By justgreat - United States

Today, I was picking up my 10 year old step-son from the airport. He began screaming and crying saying that I wasn't his father. I ended up sitting in a holding room because the security guards thought I was kidnapping him. My wife thought it was hilarious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48931

You deserved it

3388

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

COMMENTS

By jkwaks | 1

#7433830 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:06

I hope you have enough money to sustain for a week and 10 mins ! Good luck for the job! And congratulations!

Reply

barleyguy | 17

#7434008 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 5:40

i wanted to say exactly that but you did.. soo i replied to your comment instead

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

By species4872 | 19

#7433851 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 19:34

Plot twist, OP's new job is in HR.

By commandokid | 13

#7433871 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:07

Better that than a week late!!

By MrSassypants | 32

#7433875 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:13

Fitting username.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7433926 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:13

Yeah, even I knew that!

I don't know why HR sent out a worldwide spam about your start date, but I'm glad to know it's legit.

By 00sweeney | 2

#7433940 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:53

So, you made a trip you didn't have to?

Your life is *truly* fucked.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#7433948 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:04

At least it shows that you're keen to start.

By Smartlead | 0

#7433958 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:47

Nickname is on point yet I think it'd be cool to add "too" so it can be "TooEarlybird"..