Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed... - FML

By Earlybird76 - Canada - Richmond

Today, after 6 months of unemployment and jobs searching, I showed up to my new job 10 minutes early. My new supervisor confusedly greeted me and informed me I was in fact a week and 10 minutes early. HR changed my start date and told everyone but me. FML

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Not gonna happen

Freshman blues

Misheard

By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 14:00

Lightweight

Today, I have a hangover. From one small glass of pink Cava. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML

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By iphonerevolution - South Africa

Today, my teenage daughter faked a suicide because I bought her a Samsung instead of an iPhone for her birthday. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

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By boopingsnoot

Ready for the grill!

Today, at work, the chest freezer was accidentally turned off. I work at a vet and the freezer is our morgue. It got opened before anyone realized the contents had thawed. FML

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By stupid - United States - Middleton

Today, I realized that customers at my work ask me "Are you new or just stupid?" just as often as they did when I first started. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

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By chubbyreddevil - United States

Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML

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By mama

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to have a "rugrat." FML

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By noname - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Romulus

Today, I realized my online dating profile has gotten more views with no picture than it has with my picture. FML

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By dumbbb - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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By Me - United States

Today, I got to talk to the guy I like. Thinking it would be about something pleasant. I was completely wrong. It was about the guy who sits in front of me and his masturbation problem. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By Goodie - United States

Today, I found out my ex bought a digital camera, an iPod, and a large flat-screen TV, all purchased with the alimony I'm paying him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dirty talk

Today, I was in bed with my boyfriend, in the middle of foreplay, and somehow out of my mouth came, "I want to be inside you." I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my father in law drunkenly announced at dinner that he wished my husband had married my best friend. No one stuck up for me. Not even my husband. FML

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By ringmaster101 - United States

Today, I went to the jewelry store to sell my wedding ring after a long and painful divorce. The shop owner took one look at it and called the cops because I tried to sell him a diamond ring that had been stolen from him 3 years ago. My ex-husband left the country a week ago. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

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By ArmyMan - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

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By flymetothemoon

Mother knows best...

Today, I finally figured out what I want to do for the rest of my life. Too bad my tattoos will prevent me from ever getting hired. Guess you were right, Mom. FML

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By preggo - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By contracted - United States - Concord

Today, I received a letter telling me I'm not qualified for a job I've been unofficially doing for the last three years. It's the fourth letter I've gotten since applying. I guess it wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have to train the new person who got the job instead of me. FML

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By toryzhere - Canada

Today, I had a job interview. I have major OCD, and I had to sit in a room with a man covered in cat hair, struggling to even survive for an hour and a half. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out with my girlfriend at a club. As a slow dance began, a guy approached and asked, "May I cut in?" My girlfriend surprised me by saying, "Sure!" As I was about to protest, the guy cut me off and said, "Sorry miss, I was asking him." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By ewewew - United States

Today, during our championship field hockey game, my mouthguard fell into a mass of geese poop. The referee made me put it back in my mouth. FML

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By thehumanshield - United States

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

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By DQB - Canada

Today, I pulled up to a stoplight and blew past the car beside me to merge into one lane. About 30 seconds later, I ran out of gas right in front of them. We were on a bridge, and I had to push my car all the way across. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to take my boyfriend to the emergency room to get stitches from cutting his arm during sex. I sat there while he explained to the doctor how it was the best orgasm ever. FML

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Carrie - France

Today, I'm a medicine student, it's my sixth year, and I have spent the whole day in surgery. No one dared tell me that what I was wearing on my feet was actually supposed to be put over my hair. Which was embarrassing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

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By laxie - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight this shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow and I tugged to hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2020 02:01

Gas giant

Today, I tend to get bloated in the afternoons when I suffer from stress. Lately, I've been so stressed out that I'm seriously considering buying maternity pants, because not even my stretchiest sweat pants will fit me after 4 p.m. FML

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By failure - Australia

Today, I rang my girlfriend to make sure she made it home alright. She told me to check my facebook. Nothing was different so I hit refresh. We were no longer in a relationship. I got dumped via facebook whilst on the phone to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a speech but I wasn't prepared. I decided to give it anyway. While giving the speech, I got so nervous I passed out. FML

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By dinosaurboy - United States

Today, my mom and I went to the mall to look for some boxer briefs. While looking, I saw two girls I knew from school, so I went over to say hello. At least, that was my plan, but my mom screamed, "Look! These have dinosaurs on them!" They left the store giggling. FML

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By Tori - United States

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. Within seconds of getting my drink, I spilled it all over the table and my scarf. When the waiter was helping clean up the spill, he knocked over my boyfriend's drink. All over my pants. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

COMMENTS

By jkwaks | 1

#7433830 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:06

I hope you have enough money to sustain for a week and 10 mins ! Good luck for the job! And congratulations!

Reply

barleyguy | 17

#7434008 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 5:40

i wanted to say exactly that but you did.. soo i replied to your comment instead

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433831 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:07

Better a week early than a week late! And possibly then being fired.... :-)

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7433833 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 18:08

Now OP - and everybody else on here - knows to call once a week to re-confirm your starting day. Thx! :-)

By species4872 | 19

#7433851 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 19:34

Plot twist, OP's new job is in HR.

By commandokid | 13

#7433871 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:07

Better that than a week late!!

By MrSassypants | 32

#7433875 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 20:13

Fitting username.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7433926 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:13

Yeah, even I knew that!

I don't know why HR sent out a worldwide spam about your start date, but I'm glad to know it's legit.

By 00sweeney | 2

#7433940 - Tuesday 4 April 2017 23:53

So, you made a trip you didn't have to?

Your life is *truly* fucked.

By False_Stupidity | 41

#7433948 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:04

At least it shows that you're keen to start.

By Smartlead | 0

#7433958 - Wednesday 5 April 2017 0:47

Nickname is on point yet I think it'd be cool to add "too" so it can be "TooEarlybird"..