Miscellaneous: Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist...

By Anonymous - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Our house, in the middle of our street

Zoom this, bitches!

By sad child - United States

Today, I went to my doctor for a check-up. It started with the doctor lifting my shirt up to check my heartbeat, and ended with my gran starting a fistfight over his "perverted ways." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By alexarbusto - 6/5/2020 02:00

Last splash

Today, my phone fell in my cat's water bowl overnight. I'm currently writing this from my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by egging by some bastard riding a segway. He still got away. FML

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By that violates the Geneva conventions - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML

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By lerouxmaster

Today, I received a call from child care. Apparently, my four year-old boy tried to start a mosh pit during naptime. FML

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By Not A Pervert - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, while at work, I was shown CCTV footage of myself staring at the chest belonging to a teenager I was serving. I was accused of being a paedophile and nearly fired, all because I wanted to know what version of Spider-Man was on her T-shirt. FML

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By batman123 - Canada

Today, a girl I really liked mentioned she's home alone and that she was really really lonely. She offered for me to come over and watch a few movies with her, and as I got prepared to leave she sent me a text saying " can you pick up my friend Spencer? " FML

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By neveragain - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 17:02

Wise kid

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML

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By UsuallyaUnicornbread - United States - Morrisville

Today, I went to get myself a latte to make myself feel better after having a bad day. As soon as I sat down to enjoy it, I spilled it all over myself, another customer, and the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By W1D0 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

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By Anon - Australia

Today, I was caught and fined for picking a lock. I have OCD. I was picking the padlock on a toilet paper holder in a public toilet because the roll was the wrong way round. FML

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By pukeytimes - Australia - Leichhardt

Today, I decided to do a good bit of spring cleaning. When my apartment was finally spotless I went to lie down. I woke up later to find my drunk flatmate passed out in a puddle of her own puke on the living room's carpet. FML

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By dentinpalevo - Cyprus

Today, it's my first day-off for the holidays. Today is also the day they decided to start building a house next to mine. I can't sleep beyond 7 am. FML

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By horny bastard - United States

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I left to go home for Christmas holidays. I got 3 hours away and realised I forgot the presents. Along with the engagement ring I was going to give to my girlfriend. FML

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By NonBelieber - United States - Bessemer

Today, just like the last several days, I walked out to my car after class only to notice the Justin Beiber stickers arranged on my bumper and license plates. My dad put them there, and thinks it's just as hilarious as the first time. He has four packs of stickers left. FML

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By jb123 - United States - Rock Springs

I'm still young

Today, I was sitting in a waiting room with my two-month-old son. A sweet little old lady came up to me and said, "Maybe if you knew how to keep your legs closed, you wouldn't have a baby at 15, slut." I'm 23 and married. FML

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By Herestheskinny

Today, I was helping a women that was looking for skin care products. She kept commenting on the look and "texture" of my skin in a very creepy and almost hungry fashion. I'm afraid that she wants to skin me. FML

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By Caz

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

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By Mak10 - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that if you tell your child that they're old enough to cook their own food in the microwave, you have to make sure they're smart enough not to put the metal spoon in with the food as well. FML

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By awhmaaan - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By MasterWong

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Don't wanna know

Today, my mother dragged me into Victoria's Secret to get my opinion on some lingerie. Lingerie she'll be using to get into my dad's pants this evening. FML

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By charpanda007 - Hong Kong

Today, I accompanied some friends to sign up for a gym. When we got there, the guy handed me a form, too. I said, "Oh, I'm not signing up." He replied, "Out of all of you, you need it the most." He then said he was also a nutritionist, and offered a consultation. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my boyfriend in his room, wearing his boxers. He told me this story about how one time he had diarrhea when he was stuck in traffic and had not choice but to poop himself. I asked him what prompted this story. He said I was wearing the boxers he pooped in. FML

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By Anon - United States - West Jefferson

Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By hold your horses pony boy - United States

Today, I took my car into a car wash. I guess it was a bad idea to do it with my dog in the car, because he freaked out, started scrambling around, and ended up pissing on everything, me included. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Roller coaster ride

Today, I had had sex while sober for the first time in years. It was really awkward, bumpy, and I kept on apologizing for being so terrible. FML

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By p0isonOreo68 - 24/9/2020 20:02

Smells better when turned on

Today, my cat peed on my stove. There’s multiple clean litter-boxes that he could have used instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I found out that people can get ringworm from cats. I found out because I have ringworm. I don't have a cat. Then I remembered I helped a friend move about two weeks ago, and spent the night sharing a bed with her cat. That's the last time I ever help her move. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 05:05

Quite the catch

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years has been cheating on me with more guys than I can count on one hand. I'm not sure what's worse, realizing this only after she's moved in, realizing two of the guys were my close friends, or realizing I'd given up my dream career for this. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Norman

Today, my doorknob broke. While trying to impress my dad and show that I can fix things for girls, I somehow managed to lock myself in my room, with the doorknob on the other side of the door. When my dad finally heard my screams, he let me out. He had to take the whole door off. FML

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By ishyboo - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

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By malebonding - United States

Today, I slept in late and when I woke up, thought I was the only one in the house so I decided to walk around the corner to the only upstairs bathroom naked. My dad also slept in, also thought he was the only one in the house, and also decided to walk to the bathroom naked. We collided. FML

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Top comments

By cynide | 13

#5735511 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

You better hope no one comes over to "touch the butt"

By darwinism | 30

#5735513 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

Now Nemo can find you too!

COMMENTS

By cynide | 13

#5735511 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

You better hope no one comes over to "touch the butt"

\ | 28

#5735516 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:02

...prepare your porthole

BeccaHugs | 17

#5735522 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:08

P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney.

I think I could legit recite this address faster than I could my own.

suplarai | 12

#5735652 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:56

Same YDI on this one, that's an Iconic address buddy

KatelynS26 | 6

#5735682 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 21:30

Same here!

pipsdips | 1

#5735784 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 22:57

12 P.Sherman is his name, you also see it in his office.

BeccaHugs | 17

#5735820 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 23:49

53 - I am aware that P. Sherman is the mans name. The sentence/address that is recited throught the movie, however, includes his name every time and that is why I chose to include it in my response too.

ElementaryEdGuy | 18

#5735993 - Thursday 31 October 2013 2:44

Uhh...the dentist doesn't live there. That's where his office is.

nmrg | 10

#5736177 - Thursday 31 October 2013 7:51

I chuckled a little bit at this comment, which soon turned into a full out guffaw.

154rct | 7

#5737225 - Friday 1 November 2013 2:32

I said what what. In the butt

smartypants9 | 15

#5899084 - Saturday 29 March 2014 6:12

You know, maybe everyone who listened to that radio conversation is like Dori. Maybe they all forgot everything! No?

By rawr1308 | 14

#5735512 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

Why would that be your first instinct..

Damian95 | 16

#5735598 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:52

Whoah, OP, that was you?!

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5735865 - Thursday 31 October 2013 0:09

Because when someone asks you a question about addresses your first reaction would be to give your own.

hig999 | 19

#5736553 - Thursday 31 October 2013 14:34

Exactly what I thought

By darwinism | 30

#5735513 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

Now Nemo can find you too!

Kn0wledge123 | 21

#5735610 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:07

All he has to do is keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

By Bevspeaks | 11

#5735514 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

When in doubt, remember: P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way Sydney

By flashback.miss | 28

#5735515 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:01

well, to get from Florida to Australia, just keep swimming.

darwinism | 30

#5735608 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:04

Just a heads up, but you should get your eye checked out before you go for a dip. A fish could easily mistake that as bait.

By Cellusr20 | 5

#5735517 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:03

hopefully nobody is looking for you

By DocBastard | 38

#5735518 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:03

Did they ask the question at tooth hurty?

theomg | 2

#5735529 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:11

OMG no where in the United States has it been "tooth hurty"

Welshite | 39

#5735532 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 19:13

OMG, it was a joke.

euphoricness | 28

#5735617 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 20:17

Two thirty, for the slow ones such as myself.

theomg | 2

#5735803 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 23:31

OMG no the joke was dumb because nowhere in the United States was it 230 the joke lacked logic

FrankHotpants | 30

#5735847 - Wednesday 30 October 2013 23:58

The Joke lacked logic, think about how stupid that sounds.

speckledots | 29

#5736041 - Thursday 31 October 2013 3:48

It has totally logic to this situation. Tooth hurty, being 2:30. P. Sherman is a dentist. Dealing with teeth. How is this not relevant?
I say kudos on the joke line Mr. Bastard.