Miscellaneous: Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 618

22/02/2011 02:21

Today, a neighbor called the cops on me and my friends because we were "starting a fire" in the backyard. We were using a barbecue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 489

You deserved it 2 865

Taking stock

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Sudarsky's gas giant classification

30/11/2009 02:39

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 049

You deserved it 4 907

Thanks Outlook

By Buzz - 28/11/2008 05:35

Today, I was doing a Power Point presentation to the management committee. Outlook Express was still open, and right in the middle of the presentation, a window popped up notifying me of a new message. "Subject: our reply to your application for the post of Marketing Manager." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 301

You deserved it 8 321

02/02/2014 16:13

Today, the highlight of my day was when I figured out that my little brother's toy dump truck could actually dump stuff out. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 526

You deserved it 7 703

06/05/2009 07:40

Today, I was ordering some clothes from Abercrombie online and I went to measure my bust to check what size I am in American. I got my measurement, checked what size it would be and the size of my bust was not even listed on the website. Great. Now even Abercrombie thinks I have small tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 591

You deserved it 9 116

06/11/2011 17:43

Today, I had a panic attack. Not on a crowded train, or an airplane, or in school, or any of the expected places. It was in my yoga class, which my therapist recommended for me, while I was in a dead-body position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 698

You deserved it 3 975

18/04/2015 16:45

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 943

You deserved it 11 556

22/01/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 685

You deserved it 572

23/07/2009 05:23

Today, I was shopping at COSTCO for a romantic evening with my girlfriend, I bought some flowers, dinner and a super pack of condoms, At the register behind me I heard somebody say "Good thing my daughter has a responsible boyfriend." It was my girlfriend's father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 863

You deserved it 9 605

01/07/2009 00:14

Spicy

Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 171

You deserved it 19 648

03/10/2009 17:55

Today, my friend thought it would be funny to dress in all black with a ski mask and use my spare key to break into my house as a joke. He though it was even funnier when I jumped out the window and broke my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 547

You deserved it 6 312

Game of Nope

By no no no - 23/07/2017 20:00

Today, while watching Game of Thrones, my boyfriend remarked that he doesn't think that "sibling incest is a big deal" and doesn't "get why it's illegal." He has 2 sisters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 914

You deserved it 575

23/06/2016 15:00

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 150

You deserved it 1 215

07/05/2016 01:40

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom in the bathroom, washing a dildo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 159

You deserved it 2 410

11/11/2012 05:05

Today, I was renovating the house, and my girlfriend asked, "Do you use electrical tape on electrical stuff?" Not knowing where she was going with this, I just gave her a puzzled look. She continued by saying, "Because it's not like people use duct tape on ducks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 336

You deserved it 3 271

20/08/2011 04:58

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend sexted me for the first time in months. Half way through reading it I was getting kind of hot. Then I found a spelling mistake and all I could think to do was correct her. She won't talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 039

You deserved it 76 353

03/08/2016 02:29

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 280

You deserved it 1 510

03/11/2017 21:00

Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 674

You deserved it 278

21/09/2010 21:28

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 156

You deserved it 7 871

15/08/2011 21:38

Today, I got a really bad sunburn on my face while at the lake. Not to worry, though; my friends made me feel better by saying, "It takes the attention away from your acne." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 465

You deserved it 3 947

03/06/2012 05:50

Today, I had an unbearable itch on my foot that I could not make go away with my nails, so I grabbed the stapler in my drawer to scratch it with. Bad idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 746

You deserved it 48 949

23/06/2015 02:20

Today, I discovered that most of my family is homophobic while discussing Orange Is The New Black. I've only come out to my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 648

You deserved it 2 908

04/01/2010 21:26

Spicy

Today, I noticed the woman I've been sleeping with for over 2 years never lets me see her naked during sex. I confronted her about it and she replied, "I don't care if you see me naked. I was just leaving the lights off the whole time so I don't have to see you naked." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 171

You deserved it 4 572

14/02/2009 23:05

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 939

You deserved it 53 757

27/06/2009 03:44

Today, I was at Disneyland with some of my friends. While eating lunch, we watched a small child get frightened by the person dressed as Mickey Mouse. We all burst out laughing only to be jumped by Chip and Dale. Apparently I scream louder than the little kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 125

You deserved it 52 139

13/01/2010 00:55

Today, I noticed there was a red truck following me. I walked as fast as I could. I then ran. It followed. I slipped on some ice and fell. I was unable to get up. It stopped beside me and the driver got out. I then said hello to my husband's new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 479

You deserved it 23 454

02/03/2009 18:52

Today, I decided to be a good driver and not run through the yellow light. As soon as I stopped my car another came and rear-ended me. The guy told me to go in the parking lot so we can exchange information. So I drove into the parking lot, I turned my head and watched him drive away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 493

You deserved it 7 584

13/08/2012 22:12

Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 553

You deserved it 1 895

12/06/2009 02:39

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 463

You deserved it 6 633

04/01/2016 06:59

Spicy

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 457

You deserved it 2 668

You OK mom?

By today - 09/09/2021 12:01

Today, I woke up in a good mood, and I excitedly shared with my mom that I was in a "wonderful mood." Her response was to yell at me because she’s "had it with my fucking sarcasm." She refuses to believe I wasn’t being sarcastic. Day ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 930

You deserved it 116

Best words

By "Kilamo" - 25/01/2020 14:00

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years got down on one knee and asked those words all girls love to hear "would you do me the honor of performing fellatio on me"? with a Lifesavers gummy ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 376

16/03/2014 17:53

Today, I found out that my unemployed husband has his own web-comic, that he makes money off it, and that it mainly involves the main character's airhead, money-grubbing wife ruining his life. She looks strikingly like me and shares my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 470

You deserved it 7 048

16/09/2016 04:27

Today, I was told I have narcolepsy, and I've it for a year and a half. When asked why I didn't go to a doctor before, I answered that I'd always assumed it was a normal adult thing to fall asleep randomly because of how everyone says they're always exhausted. Apparently not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 678

You deserved it 1 498

14/09/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 226

03/08/2010 12:11

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81 033

You deserved it 4 708

02/03/2013 02:35

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 220

You deserved it 9 084

17/05/2009 03:13

Today, I was driving home. It was late and I wanted to get home so I started speeding. I didn't wanna get a ticket so I slowed down everytime I saw a car that could be a cop, judging by headlights. There was a car with a busted headlight so I sped up. Couldn't be a cop car. It could. $216 proof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 844

You deserved it 56 708

17/12/2011 13:17

Today, my boyfriend texted me and said I had forgotten my blue bra. I don't have any blue bras. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 495

You deserved it 3 430

29/04/2015 01:36

Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 227

You deserved it 5 212

25/12/2010 04:08

Today, I was straightening my hair for my Christmas Eve party. I put the hot straighter down on my bed for a second, and zoned out enough to sit squarely on it a few moments later. I now have burns on my ass cheek, and a six-hour party at which I can't even sit down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 170

You deserved it 33 049

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:45

Don't worry, they'll get in trouble for the false call, darling!~

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:37

wow what stupid douche neighbors. FYL for having to live next to them.

Comments

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:35

Using a barbeque?

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:16

Well technically they were right but... Still that's a bloody outrage!! They would probably get stoned to death in Australia if they reported someone for that

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:23

Yes FYL for having the cops called on you and causing a stir at your barbeque... Damn Moderators these days...

kriptonite_fml 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:39

how the fux is that not legal

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:42

looks like someone (puts on glasses) got the cops called on them because their neighbors thought they were having a fire in their backyard but really was just having a barbecue.

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 11:17

justalilrandom - Please stop. It isn't funny or clever when that caseislol moron does it, and it's equally not funny or clever when anyone else does it.

TheRealFamilyGuy 5

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 11:34

except when I do it...right?......right?

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 12:01

totally right family guy!

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 13:32

justalilrandom that was well done nice don't listen to that other guy I think its clever and fucking hilarious

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 14:36

not gonna lie but thats a decent one. lmao ignore 'allmidnighteyes'

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 16:20

wats ur fuckin iq. learn how to spell dipshit. thats wats wrong with america. to many dumb mother fuckers. anyways im pretty sure u were smokin weed

allmidnighteyes 10

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 17:07

"wats ur fuckin iq. learn how to spell dipshit. thats wats wrong with america. to many dumb mother fuckers. anyways im pretty sure u were smokin weed" Irony would run rampant within the depths of your comment had it any depth.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:04

I pray that dusty, otherwise known as commenter #53, was attempting to be ironic with their comment. However, I highly doubt it. Please refrain from breeding, any attempt by you to further dilute the gene pool is nothing short of a crime against humanity.

CommonSenseKarma 17

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 5:34

The absolute ignorance of the last three comments will stun generations to come.

finalyearsofhate 22

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Monday 25 July 2011 12:56

I'm sure op meant using a grill.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:37

wow what stupid douche neighbors. FYL for having to live next to them.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:43

Well was the barbecue any good at least?

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:45

Don't worry, they'll get in trouble for the false call, darling!~

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:48

Thats still a fire.

firefighterazz 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 14:48

you dip shit

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Wednesday 23 February 2011 8:45

Shit isn't meant to be dipped.

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Friday 25 March 2011 21:15

then can shit be dipped in a toilet or not.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:50

So its an FML because you're too stupid to cook?

sweet_candy_ 17

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:52

cooking is hard :(

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:11

it's hard if you're retarted.

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:14

don't call someone retarded if you can't even spell it -_-

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:32

and you can kiss my ass:)

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:46

yeah don't be a retart...

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 10:31

Yeah, you retart!

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 10:36

thats offensive to retarts, you retard! No but seriously, if you're going to call someone a retard atleast spell it right, moron (I'm on an iPad btw)

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 13:26

how is the op too stupid to cook if they were using a BBQ? that's like a pilot being too stupid to fly because they were using a helicopter

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:42

:)

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:52

aweeee,I'm hungry

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:28

gah im always hungry lol and this made me hungrier lol

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:53

maybe you should learn to cook bette

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 8:56

You missed your 'R'. And your period!

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:19

Someone missed their period? You know what that means!

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 14:09

ZING!

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 20:14

#15 lol. But who said anything about bad cooking? Bbqs smoke, a lot, whether or not the food is burning.

ElectricGhost_fml 5

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:04

some people need to mind their own business!!!! gosh!!

TrollsHaveSouls 0

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Tuesday 22 February 2011 9:21

cook me a cream pie plz?