Intimacy: Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and...

By cmerr - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend at his college and when I walked into the dorm he was lying in his bed with another girl. When he saw me he simply said, "April Fool's!" It's March 19th. FML

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Intimacy

Generosity

Insurance fraud

All that time I'm never getting back

By Why Me - United States - Seattle

Today, I was unloading Cokes outside of the movie theater I work at. While bent over, I heard someone call out, "Damn girl, you got a fat ass," followed by, "Oh God, that's a man!" I am indeed a man. FML

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By fuck family - Poland - Walbrzych

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my family. Over the next hour, a huge religious debate erupted, and my grandfather drunkenly told us all how he almost killed himself once while experimenting with auto-erotic asphyxiation. My boyfriend called us all crazy and seems to have dumped me. FML

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By Yudansha - Canada

Today, we wrote valentine's day poems in class. I wrote a very depressing poem about how I was rejected by all the girls I like and how it hurt to be alone. When it was read to the class, they laughed and told me it was hilarious. Even the teacher. FML

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By u_n0_mE - United States

Today, I am finally dating the girl I have liked on and off for the past year. In the school play. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was eating spicy wings, I suddenly sneezed. I was sitting in front of a fan and effectively maced myself when my spicy sneeze blew back into my face and eyes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

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By dude - France

Today, I called up my ex girlfriend to ask her if I could come round hers to get my pyjamas back. She replied: "I'm keeping them just in case..." - "In case of what?" - "In case I want to dress up like an asshole". FML

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By thereisnobaby - United States - Cadillac

Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML

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By Fat and Embarrassed - United States - Palmdale

Today, I asked an elderly customer at my work if she needed help with her groceries. She responded, "I normally would, but I'm afraid you'll eat all the groceries." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By CrescentSelene - Canada - Edmonton

Without me

Today, I saw my mom's Facebook profile picture for the first time. It had all of my family members in it. I was cropped out. FML

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By everybodysfool - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Sidney - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, meeting his family for the first time. I was leaning against him when he reached around, grabbed my boobs, and started making "pew-pew" laser noises, all in front of his family. I can't believe I'm dating this child. FML

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By Popscene - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, my boyfriend and I got into an argument; however, his new-found passion for hardcore rapping meant that he tried to "diss" me using bad rhymes and ill thought-out putdowns. It was ridiculous, and didn't really make any sense, so I started giggling. He stormed off, grumbling. FML

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By Anonymous

Corolla Conspiracy

Today, I was talking to one of the advisors at my job about how almost everyone in the workplace who owns a Toyota has strangely been in some sort of car accident in the last year. I happen to have a Toyota. Guess who was rear-ended at an intersection after leaving work. FML

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By SomeoneElse - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newport

Today, I happily announced that I'm getting married. My dad immediately shot back, "And I'm getting E.D., who gives a damn?" Just when I thought he was joking, he muttered that "the bitch" will take everything in our divorce. Moment ruined. FML

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By birthday girl - Australia

Today, it was my birthday. My mom didn't buy me a present, throw a party, or acknowledge the event in any way. Last week it was our dog's birthday, which included a party for all the neighbourhood dogs, and a cake for our dog, made out of bacon. FML

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By Remy - 17/6/2021 16:01

Ad break

Today, I had the brilliant idea of scanning my PC in the afternoon, because Malwarebytes told me I might have malware and it's been running hot and slow lately. Five and a half hours later, the scan is 1.3% complete. FML

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729

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2021 09:01 - Brazil - Itapema

Asked and answered

Today, after a 16-hour day fixing the computer network at my workplace, I didn't even get a "Thank you". I did, however, get people whining about how, "That computer crap never works" and, "Why do we need IT anyway?" FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After looking for the spare key for hours, we called our insurance company, who then sent a "locksmith" with a wedge and a bar to open my car. All he did was break the driver and passenger doorhandles. My stuff is still inside. FML

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By CRC - United States

Damned freshmen

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By sam

Today, I watched as a guy hit my car, laugh when he saw me running towards him, and drive away. FML

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By Ellencrazee - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

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By fml boy

Today, my 10k dirt bike stopped starting. I used it once and owned it for less than 24 hours. Later in the afternoon, I dropped my phone and it cracked. Later in the evening, I was walking in my room towards my bed in the dark and I stubbed my toe on my Pc and one of the panels fell off. FML

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2203

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By Anonymous

Judge not

Today, my friend dragged me out of a movie because they swore a bit and there was drug use. Apparently, she's a Mormon now, and, "doesn't want her values compromised." This from the same girl who tried to get me to try crack a few weeks ago. FML

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By stupid voicemails - United States - Lahaina

Today, I missed multiple calls from the company I applied to. That was the supervisor calling, wanting to hire me. I then remembered my idiotic voicemail I made months ago where I pretended to answer and say stupid stuff for 5 minutes. I don't think I'm going to get the job. FML

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By unemployed - Canada

Today, I went into work. After three years of working 55 hours a week they fire me by putting the contents of my locker at the front door that said "if not picked up by 10:00 am stuff will be donated." I work the night shift. I just lost three sweaters, two pairs of shoes, $60 and my job. FML

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45431

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By Sorry - Canada

Today, trying to take initiative, I wore nothing but an apron and led my husband to the kitchen by his knob to have some fun. I tripped on the floor and used his knob to keep balance. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I got into a fistfight with a complete idiot wearing a panda outfit. My face now looks like a real panda's. FML

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By Kitten

Everyone's a Critic

Today, I was playing some children's music while I cooked so my two-year-old was entertained a little. I started dancing while cooking and she looked at me with a straight face and said, "Mama... Don't dance." FML

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By unlucky - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. My doctor failed to fix it, but did succeed in practically dislocating the other one. FML

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By SadOldBag - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By Mel

Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

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By anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I found out that my parents don't know the difference between a foreign person and a deaf person. They've been yelling at our exchange student for the past 2 days. FML

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By jam - Australia

Today, I received a parking fine for $147. My car isn't even worth that much. FML

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By Anon E. Mouse - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - Canada - Victoria

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

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Top comments

By lolol182 | 4

#43167 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:03

dump him?

By missgoober | 0

#43247 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:25

i don't care if you're in college, high school or married for 30 years. you shouldn't cheat on someone you're in a relationship with.

COMMENTS

By lolol182 | 4

#43167 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:03

dump him?

trenton95 | 4

#970855 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 4:09

number one Is right

rottentomatoes | 7

#3238859 - Monday 5 September 2011 9:36

March 19th was my birthday!

nic7973 | 23

#4049626 - Saturday 18 February 2012 3:13

dump him...or join in?

GirlOnFire143 | 6

#5122729 - Wednesday 7 November 2012 3:21

March 20 is my birthday!

By tehhotness | 0

#43170 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Otto12 | 0

#898078 - Saturday 27 February 2010 19:34

give him a virtual high five. always does the trick

FailVader | 0

#1143793 - Monday 26 July 2010 17:58

how the fuck does he rule? he's a fucking jerk! you know what I hope when I get a girlfriend she cheats on me. she'll be the best girlfriend ever! (sarcasm)

xpopcorn | 0

#1684634 - Friday 12 November 2010 0:57

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

kecke | 1

#5500491 - Tuesday 21 May 2013 5:49

That's messed up dude

Rainhawk94 | 27

#5810134 - Monday 30 December 2013 15:38

The sarcasm in #2's comment couldn't have been more freaking obvious

anon137 | 7

#5842037 - Tuesday 28 January 2014 18:54

You are a fucking asshole!!! Why don't you get a life!

ZeusBeDubsteppin | 24

#5939780 - Friday 9 May 2014 20:23

well you'll die alone.

TrustStolen | 16

#6035613 - Tuesday 12 August 2014 21:49

For what? Cheating?

By omg_18 | 0

#43171 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:05

he could have played that out much better.

By Offspring_fml | 27

#43176 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:06

Wow, that really sucks. The only fool there is him. I'd have to say, don't date college boys.

sportcrazychick4 | 7

#4366528 - Saturday 28 April 2012 18:55

My boyfriend and I met in college... Is that bad?

Elovena | 9

#4812201 - Tuesday 14 August 2012 12:46

Yeah..

By effmailyfe | 0

#43181 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:06

How did you get into his dorm? Do you have a key or something? If he just left his door open, he's even more of an idiot in addition to cheating on you!

By shady_angel | 0

#43193 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:09

:O omg!!!! what a twat!!!! dumped him i take it... thats what he deserves

By heavyop | 0

#43207 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:13

Oh, that would suck. But you have to give the man props for a quick response!

By rachel42 | 0

#43210 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:14

i agree, dump him. but seriously? if you're in college, you shouldn't be surprised. If you aren't in college, don't date someone who is, and welcome to college-life

By fmlplz | 0

#43213 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:16

Was there room for one more in the bed? If so, I hope you know the proper thing to do in that situation. You just made a new friend.

By allstarplayer324 | 0

#43216 - Thursday 19 March 2009 20:16

yeahh, if your still in high school and hes in college or you go to college farther away...you probably should've expected it unless you were dating for over a year.